You are going through a lot and being tired makes things seem worse. Are there short term options for getting some additional help w S? Can you let him stay with his grandparents just long enough for you to recharge? What about moving there temporarily? Like they say, the best way to eat an elephant us just one bite at a time so maybe there are initial steps you can start now that might give you a bit of a break. Hope that makes sense. Hang in there. We're all pulling for you and here to help.
Unbidden - thank you, yes small steps...small bites: I need to get my anxiety/stress under control.
So how to not be a caged person in the meantime... I actually like that statement Kat... I think I'll print it up and put it where I see it. Not as an excuse, but as a reminder to not be in a cage.
making the big move: I am flying out to visit with the inlaws in a couple of weeks with S and we will check out the schools. I have a referral for a family lawyer to see if I can even move or what my options are. I would ideally love to keep S in the same school all year, but I will put in a few changes below and see where I stand in a few months.
meeting up with friends regularly: I did find meeting with my friends this week helped my mood Friday. I scheduled meetups during my lunch break - so it was a nice break in the day, plus they are supportive. I try to not get into my situation too much because they know I don't want it to 'define' me. Also, I don't want to talk about it all the time.
Tomorrow a girlfriend and I are going to be attending a church service (first time in months). We also found that the church has a single moms group which sounds promising for both of us. And it has a divorce care group and one for the kids.
Re: H Someone posted in another thread about just go with the thought that their spouse was 'up to no good'. That keeps me from snooping, spying or asking questions. Thinking of how to make the most of my encounters. And HOW I am going to handle the button pushing. What my script will be. I am practicing that script daily, otherwise if I am unprepared I do feel like a caged trapped animal. Which means I will lash out and fight. So to not fight, I am working on humorous responses. To lighten up.
Was thinking about what made him fall in love with me. We had bad schedules then too. So... I had friends. I was social. I was into art, complimented him and smiled at him. I hadn't been doing any of that - and focused too much on negative parts of him for this year. Regardless if he and I work out together, I will be happier when I am doing those things.
I was trying something different with H today and will try it this month. It's not what I am used to, makes me uncomfortable in a way - but I am mirroring his way he showed his love for me way back years ago. I will post how that goes.
Me& h + S M: 13 t: 14
H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my! I'm done. 12/12
"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Not really... He called me last Friday and asked me how my day was. Never happened before. He also made a comment about how I haven't called in 2 days and while it was nice, he wanted to know how my day was. We got into a fight Friday night. Yikes. I held my tongue longer than usual... but not a success. Will keep working on that. Saturday was fine, Sunday he said he'd show up and never did. Didn't expect him to anyway. S and I went to church.
I'm looking at apartments downtown in the city. Never lived there - always in the suburbs, and it seems like an interesting thought. At least I could keep the job I've got for a bit and keep S in the same school. Though I kind of like the thought of an adventure elsewhere... I looked up international travel. Thought about making plans for S and I. I would've loved H to go - but that's off the table now. I have the next 3 days off - I hope I'll be productive
Me& h + S M: 13 t: 14
H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my! I'm done. 12/12
"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Also, I'm the one instigating the fights. I get stonewalled. Rather than walk away, it eats at me. I have to figure out how to stop this. I know, free will..... I'm reading a book that did help me 'last' longer than normal without getting angry. So maybe at the end of it with some practice, I will be able to let it go.
Me& h + S M: 13 t: 14
H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my! I'm done. 12/12
"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
25YearMLC's question of what (Rough Enough) is afraid of made me think... i am afraid of being alone (already am...) i am afraid of doing things by myself (I already have been...) i am afriad that i don't know what i like to do anymore (hmmm) i am afraid that i need to have someone with me all the time i am afraid of being stuck doing things i've always done just because i don't push myself. i am afraid of making big changes just in case he wanted to come back
I also started to think about what I needed that I didn't get in my relationship.
Companionship. Even doing laundry together would've been a step forward. Eating food together... hasn't happened in years. Sex. Being told no. Telling no. Frustrating. Speaking of being told no. I would ban the word! If I ask if my H wants to play video games together: "No" want to go for a walk: "no". Everything is no. No thanks!
I see our lives got separated with the split schedule. I also see he vicariously lives through phone calls to 'share' in the day. That's not living.
Sitting on the couch TOGETHER is important to me. Eating. Even something silly like laundry. Just something. Yes, I can live life on my own - separate and be fine. But I don't think humans are meant for such isolation. It would throw me into depression and then continue to throw me down further into depression. Talked on the phone about this. Just me talking. I said that not that it matters - but I won't be nor could be a relationship at all like that.
So what am I afraid of now? Being in a relationship where I am virtually alone. The relationship I've had with H for 2 years. Being stuck in holding pattern waiting for a man who is depressed and seeks short term solutions to make himself feel better briefly. Being dependent on someone who doesn't think about anyone other than himself.
Me& h + S M: 13 t: 14
H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my! I'm done. 12/12
"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Day 1: success. This weekend (Friday, Sat) H is over. I did not argue with him, pick a fight, bring up R talks... phew. I was very chill. Made sure to dress hot, not crowd H, and be the woman that H initially fell for. It felt good - relaxed. Of course I've had the last 3 days off work, so no stress for me either
One of my goals is to not be a director. H invited S and I to pumpkin patch. He mentioned it two weeks ago and then never said a word, then called me a few days ago asking what the pumpkin situation was (were we buying them at the store or...) I said 'oh you mentioned the pumpkin patch but I didn't know if that was still on' 'Oh yes, yes! Let's do that on Friday'
So we went. I backed off entirely. He had his iPod speaker in one ear (guess he couldn't back away from the music). I would've normally been annoyed - but I figured it's his safety escape. He made a few jokes, played with S while I talked with a woman I met there (figured I didn't need to be 'right on top' of S and H's activity, plus I like being social, and it extended our stay.
Did the pumpkin thing.
H said he was going to bring his laundry over and would pay me to do it. I haven't done his laundry in about 4 years. I didn't object- he joked about it being a pumpkin payment.
H also asked me about if I have been scoping out apartments. I didn't really respond specifically (leaving some mystery) as he told me to check them out at different days/times (hopefully avoiding the mistake we made when we bought the house). I know H is interested in where I'm moving as I had casually mentioned I was looking in the city (a big draw for him - but he can't afford it).
Oh and I've been GALing up a storm! Been using my parents as babysitter, which I think they are appreciating more now that they are officially empty-nesters.
Me& h + S M: 13 t: 14
H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my! I'm done. 12/12
"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Day 2: A success! (My success is when I don't end up yelling, getting angry, swearing, pressuring - and when I can spend the time smiling and being chill).
One thing that I'm not sure if I should do or not: pursuing - just slightly (no pressuring) and only in person. So I mean like being flirtatious. I didn't do it before (well I did when I first met him), it was a problem for him in more recent years. Now, it seems like he enjoys me pursuing him because it gives him the 'control'. I should just keep observing reactions for a bit.
Misunderstood re: laundry - he likes doing his own. Wanted to use my machine. Go for it. I mentioned: 'oh I thought you wanted me to do it. I thought it was sweet that you know how I like showing my love with doing things for others'. We finished up as a 'family' with one basket for the 3 of us.
Had a good day with H. He made dinner and took off as usual. Said he was going to play video games with a male friend (eh... true or not who knows, I've 'heard' it before). "Oh sounds fun"
Physically I'm feeling great, mentally I'm trying to stay chipper. Listening to positive music and messages today.
Getting some more stuff cleared out for the eventual move to(???)
Most importantly! - I think I might have found my calling! I have to do some studying to accomplish it - but I am very excited about pursuing a career doing something I get great satisfaction out of. My goal is to transition by June. And the median salary is what I am earning currently (enough to be independent fully paying for S and I, if H ever stopped paying for S), so financially I would be confident in switching my career.
Me& h + S M: 13 t: 14
H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my! I'm done. 12/12
"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Journal: I'm never as detached as I'd like to be. H is taking s to a movie. I wasn't invited. I am hurt and I know I shouldn't be or be surprised. I am a quality time person, I've always asked h to do things either by ourselves or with s, and even if he declined, at least he had the offer.
I tried to be chipper about it, my voice doesn't lie I guess. I was upset and my voice was strained. H is at my house tonight and tomorrow, usually I'm there hanging around but Maybe i shouldnt be now. I want to be but nothing has changed except h has a new address (still no furniture) and maybe I'm too available. I haven't left much since feb.. Otherwise I'm always available. H always knows I'm at home w son.
It just seems like this horrible continuation of what led up to this - our ships always passing. But now worse since I sleep by myself.
How do you be an example of love by withdrawing? How do you be a lighthouse yet be unpredictable.
Me& h + S M: 13 t: 14
H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my! I'm done. 12/12
"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
