I've posted before -- Newcomers, MLC -- but thought I'd start a new thread here, as I'm looking for fresh advice because my situation has evolved. Here's the rundown:
October - Found out my wife was crushing on a coworker; wanted a relationship to develop
November - She said she wanted to separate or have a 'non-traditional' relationship with me (stay together, raise our son, but do our own thing)
I got weepy, anxious, angry, went on sleeping pills, lost 25 lbs... was a mess.
Read DB and started sessions with a DB coach. Saved my life. I decided to leverage the weight loss, started running again, rowing... (got lots of complements on my improving physique (though not from my wife)), became more social; going out with friends on my own. I detached.
December - Found out she was pursuing a second guy, then a third; she slept with no. 3 just before the holidays. I had a bit of a backslide from my detachment, called up the guy and told him a few choice things about my wife, which scared him off. Also told her she could work on rebuilding our partnership or get out NOW. She wasn't impressed with this.
(Should also mention that Oct to Jan, she spent about $5,000 (yes, that's THOUSAND) on psychic chat lines, musing about how she could pursue flings with men and not have me find out.)
January to March: All went downhill. All warmth evaported from our relationship. No intimacy. A few big fights. She leading a secretive life, hiding info about here whereabouts, locking down the computer and phone.
April: She agreed to counselling. We went together (I dragged her). Then we each went for individual sessions.
I thought it was a bad case of MLC. Counsellor thinks she has a 'love and affirmation addition' or worse, some kind of Cluster B personality disorder that's making her reach out for external attention/affirmation in any way she can get it (work accolades, friendship, affairs).
Currently: she's sleeping in another room, shooting daggers at me with her eyes; spitting venom with her words. Claims I might not be the father of our son. Says she thinks I'm gay. (I'm not). She has completely stopped contributing to our household financially and domestically. I am pretty sure she's out dating other men.
I have commented on this and criticized, really only from the perspective that she is shirking responsibilities related to our son (i.e., not paying his school tuition, etc. and instead spending all her $ on clothes, the salon and socialising)
Beyond that, as much as I can, I act disinterested in her life, work, etc.
I have told her that I do not agree that a divorce is our best solution, that she should face her demons and get some help... she owes it to our son to give us another try.
She says it's wrong for me to believe that our son will be adversely affected by D... that he will be anything but an amazing success in life.
For now, I have decided that I will just NOT discuss the logistics of D with her... in counselling or otherwise. I won't make it easy for her; won't validate her choice. I won't talk custody or splitting of assets with her. It doesn't suit me right now. If she pursues D, I've told her, she does it on her own.
For financial reasons and reasons of trying to secure custody of our son upon D, she hasn't left. But she is saying when we do D, she will sue for custody and alimony. (When she started this talk in the fall, she was talking co-parenting and wanting nothing from me financially, except to pay her portion of collective debt).
We also live away from our home country on work permits. She is under mine. If she leaves, she will be deported. And she likes her (secret) life (and secret boyfriends) here.
The complication is that my work permit expires in January 2013... and it's looking like it won't be renewed. Which means I have to move to one of the other two countries in which I have citizenship. She only has citizenship in one of those.
I'm networking and putting out feelers for a new job in another country come January... working under the assumption that my son will come with me (my lawyer says there's precedent for this where we currently live).
My wife works for a law firm, so I assume she's received the same info, which is one of the reasons she's so bitter right now. Like it or not, her destiny and being in my son's life is somewhat tied to my choices.
I'm trying not to be a jerk... not trying to hold her hostage, but out of necessity, I just have to make my own plans so I can continue to have a job and take care of my son.
Am I doing the right thing (specifically by not discussing terms of a D right now)? I'm really confused. H-E-L-P!!!
Currently, I am acting as if I don't care what she's up to/we're done. I am also asking her to leave my house (to which she is not contributing financially or domestically at all) as soon as possible if separation is what she's decided on. But she won't go (says it's because it's "OUR" house, our son is there, and if she left, Immigration would find out and she would be forced to leave the country.).
I'd like to think she won't go because there's still some attachment to me, but I have a feeling it's more financial/logistical for her right now.
I haven't gone further to actually call Immigration and let them know our marriage has dissolved, as that would result in her immediate deportation, which means a 'parentectomy' for my young son that would be devastating to him. As such, I've not seriously threatened this either (other than let her know it is a possibility should I choose to do it; she signed an Immigration letter when we arrived in this country acknowledging she would leave if the marriage dissolved (as she's under my work permit)). I know with LRT, you have to be prepared to back it up and do it. So that's not my view of an appropriate LRT at the moment.
We are heading to our home country for a visit with family next week, and while we are there I have set up interviews with recruiters, etc. with a view to returning home in January. I have told her this, but I don't think she believes it to be true... thinks I'm bluffing, I guess.
It will become clear to her when I pack a suit and tie for the trip home tomorrow, I suppose.
In a way, I guess making plans to relocate back home with my son is my LRT. If I still had a functioning partnership with her, I might make some career sacrifices to stay for a couple more years as both she and my son love it here. But if I'm on my own, I'll need to advance my career for financial and self-fulfillment reasons.
For her, my getting a job back home will mean she too has to leave our current country of residence in January if she wants to be in my son's life. The question for her will then be (1) give up co-parenting of our son and stay where she is now; (2) return to our home country and set up her own household (which will be v. hard for her financially) or (3) recommit to our marriage and move back as a family (on agreed conditions that will help us rebuild trust).
At this point, it's looking like No. 2 will be the likely outcome, but I have no other options... I can't keep living here, away from friends and family, in this horrible limbo she's created. The tension in our household is too high... she's out partying/dating every night. Our son is constantly in tears saying "I miss mommy. Will she be home to say goodnight to me? Will she be home when I wake up in the morning?"
So that's my LRT. (And I'll be advising her family and mine of her crazy antics while we're home to prepare them for the events of January... our son will need all the love and support he can get from everyone, no matter what occurs.)
Any thoughts or words of wisdome or other perspective?
