Albuquerque living part 4

[Albuquerque]

I've been away from the boards for about 5 months now. Thought it was time for an update. You can find my previous threads here

Thread 1
Thread 2
Thread 3
Thread 4

I briefly read over other posts in this forum. Saw some oldies but always the newbies. The only thing I can say to the newbies is to listen to the "oldies". They are young at heart but wise when it comes to this unfortunate topic.

As for me, things are kind of at a standstill. It has been a year since my H moved back in. Things were really tense for awhile. But then things settled down and we got into a really good groove. The annual conference he works in January came and went without much of a hitch. xOW was there but I didn't see her. He said he saw her but there was no contact other than some nasty looks. H had some of his buddies come down to help him work the conference. He said he did nothing but extoll my virtues while with them, which was nice. Things were fairly good although we both knew he still had work to do on himself.

In about February or March, he decided he wanted to wean himself off his AD again. He'd tried unsuccessfully a few months back. He didn't like the side effects. So he went off of them. Unfortunately, things kind of went downhill. Many of the classic MLC signs came back. Brooding, disengaged, forgetful, inconsiderate etc. I literally walked into his office, showed him something I got in the mail and he said absolutely nothing and continued working on his computer as if I wasn't there. Was he ignoring me? No. He was just "out to lunch". I know it. But it's still hard to deal with. His willingness to help me with D went down significantly. I became the default person to take her to and from school, deal with teachers etc. I kind of had to take a refresher course in dealing with an MLCer. Except this time, I had to live with him. And to top it off, although I know NOW he went off his meds, he didn't bother to tell me at the time. Now, based on his attitude, I kind of figured that's what happened. But I didn't ask. I figured his choices are his choices. Eventually, after weeks of crap, he texted me and apologized for his behavior and told me about the meds. As much as I wanted to tell him to go back on them, I didn't. He's still on his journey and it's up to him to find his way out. After a few more weeks, he restarted his meds.

I've seen some improvement but he's still not entirely himself. I found a research article recently that stated that much of the AD on the market work no better than placebo. You'd think that might be difficult for him to swallow, but he started thinking that perhaps he can get out of his slump on his own. He's still on his meds for now but it may have given him a slightly different perspective on things.

As for me, I can't say it's been easy. I've worked on refocusing on myself. I DO think that having him come back resulted in me losing some of that focus. But I'm back training for triathlons again. Unfortunately I don't have as much time for my pole dancing classes, but the tri training should help me keep some of my form once I go back to it. I've also started a local meetup group and have met some great folks. But even thought I'm doing these things, I have to say that for the first time since dealing with all this MLC, I question now whether it's worth it. Do I love my H? Yes, I do. When I catch glimpses of his old self I remember why. But he hasn't been around in a long time. And when he is, it's often short-lived. There is no consistency and I think that's the hardest thing. I never know what kind of husband I will have when I wake up, or come home from work.

As a result, I think I've gone into my own mini-MLC. I'm not crazy. I'm not abandoning D or buying a new car. But I am considering things I've never considered before. I don't picture my future and see my H with me necessarily. What does this all mean? I'm not sure. H has noticed the change though. We went running together recently and for some reason, it was carthartic for me. I was just so happy being outside running. I mentioned it to H after we were done and he said "You haven't been happy for awhile". And I think he's kind of right. I guess I'm to the point where I feel like I've done what I needed to do. I have dealt with a lot. And now it's my turn. I need to make sure that my life is where I want it to be. And certainly, having a H who is in perpetual MLC is not it, despite how I may still care for him.

Despite the downsides, I'm still doing well overall. I'm glad we are together for D's sake. And I don't think our R is necessarily doomed. It's just that MLC takes a loooong time and I think he had hoped to be better off than he is right now. I'm glad he's at least aware that he's got issues. He just seems to be spinning in a circle right now rather than making any good forward progress. Having him back on his meds has made a difference. We shall see how things progress.

[kml]

MLC vs. simple depression....

As for the antidepressants - when people have been on them for a while, then stop, they can have a rebound effect where they get depressed again - like a withdrawal. It may be more successful if he goes down VERY slowly - no more than 10% a week.

And he should consider physiological causes of depression - vitamin deficiencies (B complex, fish oil, vitamin D), hormonal causes like thyroid problems or gluten sensitivity, sleep disorders.

Also ask about Deplin - a prescription, high-dose methyfolate (B vitamin) that is used to treat depression.

And exercise is a good as Prozac in some studies.

And yes, you are doing the right thing in taking care of yourself - all that walking on eggshells around the depressed guy is draining.

[angel61]

Good to hear from you Alb!

I think I can almost picture how life is for you at this point.

Sometimes, after all the drama, we sort things out, OW goes away and nothing much is happening - so life becomes sort of humdrum. Ho hum.

But the depression is still there, the MLC is still there, many things have not really changed. Maybe we expected something more?

We start to question if it was all worth it - went through the pain, hung on when everyone was telling us to make a run for it....and then this?

But really, what would have been the alternative? an broken family?

I guess sometimes we just have to be thankful for what we still have......

[Albuquerque]

Update. It's been another long time since I've made a post.

I'm living proof that the MLC journey is a long one. My bomb was in January of 2010. And though we've reconciled, H is still working on his issues. My last post was a bit of a downer when I read it. I remember it well. Fortunately, my attitude and my life have improved since then. Refocusing on myself has helped a lot. H went off his AD med AGAIN since the last post and this time, he's stayed off of them. And while he's done better this time than on previous attempts, he still has his days where he's just off. It's very obvious when that's the case and on those days, I just go on my merry way. I have numerous activities that get me out of the house. I've spent less time devoted to triathlons and more time to the pole dancing/fitness. I just love it. I'm still not very good, but it's a great workout, it's liberating, and it's good physical therapy for my upper body. I even had a professional photo shoot at the studio both on and off the pole (the studio brought the guy in). So those of you that know me on the alt, you may see some pics soon! It was very fun.

H's journey continues though. While his progress is achingly slow, I DO see continual progress which is what I want to be seeing. I still see him trying to find himself. I think he still doesn't really know who he really is and that's a struggle for him. He has a lot of hopes and dreams and knows that some of them, due to age, are not achievable. But those that are still possible seem to linger just beyond his grasp due to his inability to make a plan and move forward. He often deals with analysis paralysis. He can't decide what to do so often does nothing. But I know he is trying. And where he is today is WAY better than where he was a year ago. Very very slow progress but progress nonetheless.

He recently made a FB post that surprised me. It said
"Life is good. I'm happy where I am, whom I'm with, what I do and why I do it. Happiness takes work, sometimes, but it's worth it.

I've been through some dark places. I've been broken and powerless and out of control. There are many things I regret.

But those days are past. Life is what you make it, and I make mine as exciting, interesting, passionate, intelligent and loving as possible."

It was nice to hear him say something like that. He still has very dark days but I think he sees life differently now.

As for the OW, she keeps popping up every so often in strange ways. About 3 months ago, she, out of the blue, FB friend requested me. I could NOT understand why since she's spent the last year with me blocked. I asked my H if he knew why she'd do that. He was stymied and had no idea. The whole thing made him anxious. He asked me what I was going to do and I said I didn't know. I was really tempted to say yes because I think that would've been unexpected. But at the same time, I'd rather go on with life without dealing with that past. So I just left it unanswered. After a few days, the request went away and I was blocked again. So that was really weird. And more recently, one of H's friends spoke with her on the phone. She apparently warned his friend about my H and that he just uses people and went on for several hours. The friend asked if she wanted to get back to together. She claimed she didn't so the friend asked why, after over a year, she was still so worked up about this. The OW brought up weird things about me even. For instance, some weeks ago I commented on a business page, to a business about the fact that I disagreed with some of the things they were doing medically (which happens to be in my field and I've even spoken professionally on the topic). It turns out the OW also does the same things that I spoke out about. The OW viewed it as me, attacking her personally by going on the site and speaking out. I guess she feels the only reason I did that was to get back at her. When I found that out, I literally burst out laughing. It was so far from the truth and so amazingly odd that I couldn't do anything but laugh. But it IS sad that despite a year or more, the OW still clearly hasn't let go. More proof that the OP the MLCers find are often just as broken.

Another thing I was happy to see was what my H told a friend of his who's going through a separation. The friend (a female) asked my H's opinion on how to know when a guy wants an actual relationship. She's only been separated for about 4-5 months now and dated a guy already but that didn't work out. She was now considering another guy but she wasn't sure he was looking for a life partner and wanted a guy's viewpoint. His advice to her was this. (And I can quote him because it was via email and he forwarded it to me for my opinion)

"You need to learn to be an individual first, and a partner second. I submit that you can't even be a good partner if you aren't a good individual. I wasn't. I lost sight of that during my vacation in crazy time. It has taken time and effort to feel comfortable with myself. I credit Albuquerque for my own ass kicking. She made it clear that she loved me and wanted to be with me, but could and would go on without me, and not blink twice at it. That was very attractive to me, in a weird kind of way. There is the old saying that "it's nice to be needed". I don't think that's true. It's nice to be wanted. By someone who doesn't need me. I hope that makes sense. "

So despite his occasional down days (just yesterday was a good example), the overall trend is upwards. I haven't been on the boards nearly as much as I'd like to be. I know how hard it can be when you're in the middle of hell and especially now as the holidays are fast approaching. I will try to do better but when your computer sits next to your H's, it's hard to keep this place secret. Fortunately, he doesn't get up early

[job]

Thank you for coming back and sharing some of your h's comments w/us.

Your journey has been a long one, but you've been patient and have given him time and space to do the necessary work to heal. He's got a ways to go, but he's "baking up nicely". I'd rather see him move slowly than too fast during the last leg of his journey.

Please take care of yourself and continue to be patient. He really is trying to recover from his crisis and hopefully it won't be too much longer.

[TSquared2]

Hi Alb,

Thank you for posting your update, it is giving me maybe a peek into the future as my sitch is a few steps behind yours. W is doing this now without meds like your H, and I see a lot of similarities in behavior and the figuring out what can and cannot be done now...

Achingly slow...that about describes it...lol.

Thanks again for updating, you've been helpful to me!



T^2

[TSquared2]

She made it clear that she loved me and wanted to be with me, but could and would go on without me, and not blink twice at it. That was very attractive to me, in a weird kind of way.

How did you do this ^^^^^^^^ ? Set him down and told him? Just showed by doing?

Thanks!
T^2

[ericmsant2]

"You need to learn to be an individual first, and a partner second. I submit that you can't even be a good partner if you aren't a good individual. I wasn't. I lost sight of that during my vacation in crazy time. It has taken time and effort to feel comfortable with myself. I credit Albuquerque for my own ass kicking. She made it clear that she loved me and wanted to be with me, but could and would go on without me, and not blink twice at it. That was very attractive to me, in a weird kind of way. There is the old saying that "it's nice to be needed". I don't think that's true. It's nice to be wanted. By someone who doesn't need me. I hope that makes sense. "

Priceless....a testament to YOU and HIM.

Eric

[Albuquerque]

TS2,

To answer your question, it wasn't necessarily done intentionally. While my H was off galavanting with OW, I continued LIVING with my D. We did fun things together. I started up new hobbies for ME. And when he'd come to the house to get D, I always tried to me happy and pleasant (that part wasn't always easy but just the act of doing helped ME). Apparently, (and I only learned this after starting deep conversations with him after he started peeking out), this jarred him. HE was the one that left because he felt restricted and unhappy. So his leaving was supposed to fix all that. And yet when he saw me, he always saw me happy. He said I "glowed". Meanwhile he was spending a lot of time in the fetal position when he wasn't galavanting with OW. He said that it jarred him to the point that he tried to NOT come to the house. It's called cognitive dissonance. It's when the facts of the situation don't match up with your perceived notions of the way it should be. In that situation, people tend to do one of two things. They either rationalize the evidence away in a way to convince themselves that they are still right in their beliefs. Or they stand back and take a hard look at the fact that they might actually be wrong. Unfortunately, the latter choice is the harder and rarer option that people take (not just in MLC but just as humans we tend to do that).

According to him (and feel free to read back on my thread because I wrote about this time), this is what caused him to start talks with me again about possibly reconciling. Yet, even then, he still had the OW. And it soon became essentially him trying to decide between the two of us. He was very open and honest about it (with me). Ironically enough I think he didn't have these types of deep conversations with her ever. Anyhow, we had many discussions about what he should do and who he should choose and what would make him happy. These were extremely difficult discussions for me because on the inside I wanted to scream. But I tried to be calm and rational (and most of all honest). If he were to find TRUE happiness with her, then that should be his choice. I didn't like that at all, but that was me being selfish. I TRULY felt that if he were to ACTUALLY find happiness elsewhere, then that should be his choice. He seemed to want me to make a case for myself. At one point I remember saying something like, "it's not up to me to convince you what to do". I remember him seeming shocked that I would say something like that. It seemed like when he'd talk to OW, she spent a lot of time trying to convince him that it was wrong to come back to me and he was making a big mistake. Yet when he spoke with me, I told him to make his own decision. I loved him. I wanted him back. But ultimately it was his choice.

As is typical with MLC, it took him a loooong time to ACTUALLY make the choice. He made the choice several times but left the OW hanging around for far too long. There is no better thing to learn than patience when dealing with MLC. It wasn't something I used to be good at. It's one of the things I'm grateful for learning. It's helped not only with H but with D as well.

[TSquared2]

Thank you Alb...

This is excellent stuff, I will be ruminating on it. I could use some work in a couple areas for sure. I also like the reality check that even after the mlc'er re-commits, they still have to work through their demons within.



T^2