After minimal contact over the past three weeks (minus a few text messages about our separation), my W and I agreed to get together this afternoon to discuss where we are in this separation. I stopped by my wife's condo (to which she has made some major renovations in the past month). When noticing the renovations, I remarked that either this would be ideal for putting on the market, or would make a wonderful long-term home for her. She said nothing. And the silence spoke volumes.
Turns out my wife has seen a new counselor on a bi-weekly basis. After two sessions, the counselor told her she needed to come in weekly. The C thought she had major "angst" issues. Major relationship issues. Her mother had asked her "why can't you just drop the emotional wall you've put up between you and your H?"
I have tried to accept and validate her feelings, point out that marriages are challenging and those that make it make a choice to make it work. I pointed out the goals I have for myself. Then I told her my intent was to move forward, happy. I certainly want her along for the ride. She apologized again and again...and again. I told her good luck, we'll see where this goes. And I took off. I feel like I stood my ground while still offering the opportunity to come along for the ride.
Right now, I just don't see how this goes forward. I am so incredibly sad over this. I am trying my best to keep faith alive but this rejection from my wife is just so saddening to me. I keep going back and playing out moments in my mind - moments where I could've done something different. Said something different. Acted in different ways. I think about what happens if we do go forward. Could I trust her again? (When we dated 9 years ago, she left me for another man and we were apart for roughly 18 months before getting back together, eventually marrying). So I feel this is her walking out on me a second time.
I have some major decisions to make over the next couple months, including where to live (which would be in a town two hours away from my W). I have spoken with my family and several trusted friends. While they are telling me they will support me whatever happens, it's clear to me they feel I need to move on once and for all. This S has absolutely stripped away a lot of dignity. That's NOT to minimize the other S's here. There was no affair (that I am aware of). There are no kids involved. I read some of the other posts here and I am incredibly sad for the folks writing.
Personally, I am incredibly sad. I held up together emotionally during our 90-minute get-together. But once in the car, I cried. This feels like a death. When I think of my W crying, looking up at me saying "is this it?," I want to cry. But she had every opportunity to say "yes, I want to work on this with you. I value our M and I want to give this a chance." She wanted to have this meeting about our R and this is where it went. I'm a believer in M and I did not do this to get divorces, but at this point, I'm trying to be as pragmatic as possible. I am just not seeing a good way forward.
The only plan I have as of right now is to go completely dark. I have said enough. Probably too much. She knows where I stand on the idea of M, but she also heard me say that I must live my life and I intend to do it a happy man.
Recently, I saw a great post on here about what it means to do 180s for nobody other than yourself. I found it so inspirational but I completely lost track of where it lives. If anyone has a link to this post, please post it. I need inspiration to move on alone. I have no idea where this goes but I'm being logical and I just don't see my M working out. Thank you for reading to this point and for any words of wisdom.
midwest...sorry for your sitch. It's so hard to be here...so many, it gets depressing that our society treats M with such disrespect. But, you seem to have the right attitude going forward. You can only control what you do and no one else. Just be thankful that there are no children involved in all this...they are the ones that truly get hurt. And, unfortunately, since it is so easy to D...the mad cycle continues for the next generation. M is a life-long committment in my opinion...I also take it seriously but, too, have a W that has completely checked out yet has confirmed that it is over. It tears me apart every waking second I think of it...I still love my W dearly and I cannot believe that our R, and our family, is broken beyond repair. But, she needs to also focus on herself...and understand what she's truly doing. She's following the "script" of a MLC...and there is nothing I can do about it. I just hope that she moves on productively, becomes a stronger person while I stay a supportive friend to her and a loving father to my children. And who knows, maybe our paths will cross again when we both are stronger and more independent to have a healthy, respectful, loving R.
But, I am here to tell you that it does slowly get better...especially if you concentrate on yourself, to make you a better you. Eventually, life is worth living again because of the enlightenment you receive when you truly focus from within.
Hang in there my friend...let your heart be your guide, it will always lead you in the right direction. I also look back at the many instances when I could have done/said something different by letting go of all the petty things in our life. But, no chance to change it now...and we all have to live with our decisions/actions. Again, it will get better...stay focused and positive. Easier said than done, I know...but we are all here for each other...and together we will all get through this.
Me:44, W: 39 D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs) M:17, T:21+ Bomb:3/18/12 W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12 Separate since bomb Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12 No talk of D since mediation
Thanks for the wonderfully kind words, totallydevoted. One of the things I keep going back to is how she always wanted an emotional connection. She wanted deep, connecting conversations. Those moments I tried, she shut me out. Over the last few weeks, she had text me about how she really wanted a deep, productive conversation. Today, in an effort to discuss the M, it all fell apart. Well, maybe it didn't. I said what I had to say and her silence spoke volumes. But I am having a hard time not beating myself up over what could've been. How could I have made this conversation more productive and conducive to reconciliation? I just don't think I could have because her heart is simply not in it. She's trying to work on herself and has absolutely no place for me or the M right now. But the hardest part is not kicking yourself for how it could've possibly gone better. The mental games these situation's create is simply maddening. And that's the hardest part for me.
sounds very similar to my sitch. My W told me that she knows I love her but feels that I don't like her...and that isn't fair to her. She's right...but so wrong. I, too, have had trouble nurturing that emotional connection with my W. She says that I am not affectionate enough for her, that i don't cuddle enough or hold her enough. I do get her point...I guess I'm not just wired that way completely.
I have read a book and have found myself on this path with IC...it's a book titled "Hold me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson. It focuses on the affection theory and emotionally focused therapy. It "trains" you how to realize that deep emotional bond that everyone needs...and how to nurture that bond. I wish I would have found this book years ago...I just know my marriage would be so much different and happier. But at least I have found it as well as this site and its resources...even though my M is probably over...FOR NOW ...it will still make me a better person. Either for my W, if our paths cross again and she can forgive and focus her growth from within...or at least another possible R. At this point in time, I have no plans for another R...I only want my W...and I need to concentrate on me now anyway.
My 180 is to stay positive, strong, supportive and be a good friend. Some day in the future if I continue to expect nothing and improve my world...she will see me ina different light and think of me as her "Prince Charming" again...and, heck, if not then I'm still a better me.
Me:44, W: 39 D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs) M:17, T:21+ Bomb:3/18/12 W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12 Separate since bomb Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12 No talk of D since mediation
midwest. IMHO I wouldn't go dark. not yet. I understand your frustration however you haven't had enough time to truly do the 180. I believe the 180 is for yourself. It took me a few (5 mos) of doing the 180 to realize this. In those 5mos I was doing it to show HIM I had changed, but it served no true purpose for me. Once I did them for ME, I was able to slowly detach and treat him as a friend. During this time (the first 5mos) I thought I was tapping into his love language (affirmation) when I was only tapping into part of it and overdoing it at that.
Now I am doing his true main LL (acts of service) and we are much closer emotionally. No R talk which frustrates the heck out of me but I am much closer to him than I have been since before this began.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
One of the big issues in this M has been the "power struggle." It's been an issue that's come up in every other R she has had. She's always had to hold the power. To have the upper hand. She's been the one who has left others. What she has needed is balance. And at the peak of our R, there was balance. I don't know where things tilted. I'd pursue her. Make her breakfast in bed (so many times). Do things for her. I'd give, I wouldn't receive. The one point in this separation where she wanted me, it's when I wasn't pursuing. Now I haven't pursued in the past few weeks, but she's clearly moved on mentally. It's such a catch 22. She says she wants an emotional connection but when I pursue that connection to her, she backs off completely. She must be an IC's dream come true. (No wonder the IC recommended a weekly session). There are so many catch 22's and oxymorons in this whole sitch, it would make your head spin. That's why I feel the absolutely only thing I can do at this point is to completely go dark. I'm always there. When I haven't been there, it's at least made her think.
I retain a little tiny sliver of hope, but as I've said before, I have to be pragmatic right now. I just can't go on doing the same thing expecting different results. I'm not prepared to file for D at this point. I need to get through the next month or so, alone, dark. And focus on myself, my work and becoming the best person I can be. I have gone to my W too many times to seek a way to move forward together. I have expressed what my hopes are. She is not talking in terms of "we." She needs to let her guard down and come to me. I can't continue this fruitless pursuit that is leading me nowhere.
Or any other links to threads about the 180 as an exercise simply for the LBS.
I received a text from my W on Monday night apologizing for Sunday's meeting. Honestly I have no idea how it could go any differently. I told my W I was moving on with my life and she was in tears. I replied to the text that I felt sorry for any time I was never emotionally accessible. I wrote that I believe a marriage is about becoming better individuals while growing together. She wrote back apologizing for not having been a better wife and for being selfish. I replied that I just did not want us to end. That's the last communication. I'm not sure what else I can possibly do at this point except go dark and move on.
...it will still make me a better person. Either for my W, if our paths cross again and she can forgive and focus her growth from within...or at least another possible R. At this point in time, I have no plans for another R...I only want my W...and I need to concentrate on me now anyway.