Today H called me at work to inform me that he left some utility bills out for me to take care of. Apparently, he'd not paid our gas bill for the past three months and now there is a final disconnection notice from the gas company. A week or so ago, I'd asked H to set aside some time so we can review bills and such, figuring I'd be taking over most of the utility bills since I'm the one living in the house. I wanted to have some arrangement regarding finances...(the mortgage is in his name, and he always took care of the payments each month) but I had been thinking we could work something out so I'd split the cost since he's not living here now. When I brought this up to H, he said, sure we'll talk about the finances soon, but right now his business is struggling and he barely had enough to cover payroll. It was clear he didn't want to have the discussion at the time.
Anyway, when I spoke to him earlier, I said that I thought it would be fair if he still contributed to this past month's utilities, since he had been living here during that billing cycle. I was particularly peeved as he hadn't made me aware that the gas bill got three months behind! Well, he copped a major attitude with me. Didn't seem to think I should expect anything from him since he moved out three weeks ago. I feel like he's intentionally trying to make things difficult for me. I remained pretty calm and said that I'm sure we can work it out. But inside, I was effin' boiling!!
I then asked him if he went to the IC app't yesterday as he hadn't made any mention of it when I saw him and spoke with him last evening. He angrily grumbled that he did. And that was it. No feedback, no further comment. I dropped the subject. I go to IC on Saturday.
I get that he does not want to talk about what's going on in his head right now...I respect it and am not pushing the issue. It feels hurtful to know he doesn't care to share anything at all, other than impersonal stuff. It's hard for me to handle this complete disconnect. I realize it could be a coping mechanism for him, but part of me feels like he just wants to cut all ties and be free from everything that has to do with us/me. This casual mentioning of "I left the bills on the table for you, oh and by the way, the gas company is threatening to shut off service mid-June if you don't pay the past due balance"...its like he's saying...good luck picking up the pieces and managing on your own, 'cause I don't want any part of it.
I believe I can make things work financially; it may take some adjusting for a bit, but I should be able to cover most household expenses for now. It irks me the way he's handling things though.
I haven't mentioned in my thread that H has a history of hopping from job to job/starting new businesses and then folding. In the twelve years we were married, the longest he stayed at one job was about three years. He's had dozens and dozens of different jobs in the 20 years I've known him. Time and time again, he'd get fed up at a job and suddenly quit. Now, he always was able to find work and there was not a time that he'd been unemployed for long or slacked completely off. He's worked mostly in the construction business and he is a hard worker for sure. Yet, I can recall numerous occasions where I'd come home and he'd say, "I quit my job today". The typical reason was that he couldn't work with a certain boss/manager...someone was always an "a-hole" and he felt he didn't need to put up with it. I would try to be supportive and patient and I'd tell myself he just hadn't found his niche yet. Honestly, this instability with his career is one of the reason's (even subconsciously) that I didn't feel comfortable planning a family.
The other thing I've held off on mentioning before is H is a heavy pot smoker. I mean, he smokes up at least 3-4 times a day, every single day. Even now, when he stops home once or twice a day, part of his routine is to go downstairs and light up a joint (guess he's not able to do it at his buddy's house). In our early years, I'd expressed my concern with this and asked him to cut back. He would blow my concern off, reassure me that pot is not a hard drug and hey, its not like he sat around the house all day or was abusive or unable to function normally. Look, I'm no prude and I realize that pot is not the worst thing in the world, but I really had a problem with how much he seemed to *need* to get high, so frequently. Eventually, I stopped nagging him about it...my concerns fell on deaf ears anyway, and he was still a good guy overall who overlooked a ton of my faults. This is how I rationalized.
I'm just so frustrated right now. I feel like I have been quiet about the issues and resentments I've had toward him for too long. I know I've been no picnic to live with either, but I'm sick of being made out to be like the "bad guy" or the "indifferent wife" who singlehandedly brought the marriage down. He's hurt me too over the years with his behavior and has contributed to the breakdown of the R in ways I'm now only beginning to recognize. I wish I had grown a backbone long ago.
And so now he's giving me a hard time about finances and acting as though he could care less. Like I have no business questioning him or expecting some fairness. When this separation unfolded a few weeks ago, I wanted to be understanding and make sincere efforts to work though our issues. I've been taking a lot of blame and really trying to look at myself and how I've failed in the M...but, you know what? He failed me too. And because I was so freakin' passive about these things, he seems to think he's the only one who "tolerated" so much.
Thanks for reading through my little tirade. I need to go to the gym now and get rid of some of this angst!
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
Went to IC today; H went on Wednesday. H hasn't talked at all to me about his IC. The therapist did mention today that H continues to press on that D is his goal. She also commented she feels he is struggling quite a bit...he vacillates between saying he doesn't love me, then in the next sentence he talks about how much he loves me.
In my session today, I talked a lot about the resentments I've carried with me over the years. Also discussed the way I don't voice my anger and have always had a problem with this. The MC noted that I present very much "in control" of myself and that perhaps that's a frustration for H. She suggested that maybe he's wanting me to express something, anything about our R. I told her I'm making a concerted effort *not* to press H about the R right now...that I feel he's unreceptive and that when he brings up the R, he pretty much does so in reference to "when we get divorced" or, "once we are divorced". The other day H told me he cries a lot and feels pretty miserable. I asked him what he thought that was telling him (in other words, if this separation is affecting him like that, maybe its a sign that its not the right thing?). His response was, "I don't want to get into that right now".
He's increasingly distant too. The last couple times he was here, I hugged and kissed him before he left, but there's not really any reciprocity. He doesn't push or turn away, but he's kind of just tolerating my affection...or so it seems to me. I feel pretty rejected.
On the upside, I'm enjoying the GAL activities. I feel I'm making progress in those areas at least.
The MC suggested H and I each have another IC and then in two weeks, have another couple's session.
So, I will continue to be patient and take care of myself.
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
