4th and long, goal to go, touchdown required

[Brit45]

If you don't have any resentment over the gifts or the other people then good. Moving forward don't buy any gifts if you expect anything from them. A wise person once said don't loan money to friends give gifts. My mom always said if you can't do a favour happily don't do it. Having anyone do anything for me when it comes with expectations makes me run a mile. Even if it's thank you.

To that end no gifts for your anniversary. Would you send your first wife a gift on your anniversary? no. Why? because you're not trying to get her back. So yes, giving gifts on your anniversary is pursuing in my book.

okay tough love:

My history of jumping from woman to woman precedes itself. The difference being in this last instance I had no intent of it happening, it just happened.

you're rationalizing to yourself that you're still repeating a pattern. Do you want to break a pattern or not? It's your choice really. You know that jumping from woman to woman hasn't gotten you closer to your goal of personal happiness and stable relationships in the past so will you choose to do something different now? or continue to as my mom would say go round that mountain one more time?

There is one thing that you can't provide on your own however (actually you can but not quite the same lol) and that is an enjoyable sex life. I would not be GAL otherwise so that is largely why I'm in the situation that I'm in. I'm not a sex addict by any means, but I could not fathom the thought of going a month much less a year without sex, perhaps that's just me.

2 things stuck out here to me:
GAL is for you having a sex life. Oh dear, I don't think that's the point at all sweetie. Trust me I get it and it's typical. You've been trapped in this bad R and nothing's better than getting attention from someone new, good looking, with none of the baggage, who makes you feel desired and amazing between the sheets. None of that helps you to your final goal of personal happiness and being in a stable relationship. GAL should be about you making you feel desired and amazing because you're getting out of your comfort zone, doing things you've wanted to do, getting in touch with yourself, learning about why you do things, and learning from your mistakes, deciding who you want to be in a R whether that's with W or someone one.

Second:
the thought of going a year or a month is not a possibility for you.
okay so how much do you want this?
I imagine if someone could look into a crystal ball and tell you if for the next year you had to live on cheese/crackers/water with no sex but after that year you had the most amazing partner for life. She was everything you'd dreamed of and you were happy, confident, content, and loved I bet you'd take that deal.
If you read other threads you'll find a common theme PATIENCE. You'll also see people say that this time is your time use it for you. Think for awhile about what you're willing sacrifice a month, 6 months, a year. NOT FOR HER but FOR YOU!

I realized I had control issues. I want to know what the outcome will be and if I can't control it, I might do something to force it. (a bit like you thinking you will go ahead and file in August) Although it might make the uncertainty go away it wouldn't make me happy.

Finally one last thing. Facebook. Ye gads, I think FB is the devil. haha. I can't tell you how happy I have been since I hid H from my timeline, and deleted the app from my phone. I only log on once a day and limit my commenting and liking to 5 mins. You must stop SNOOPING. Yes it is snooping if you're checking to see what she's posted, what she's listened to (analysing those song lyrics) STOP. It will be hard and it will be uncomfortable but it will be easier.

Everyone can give you advice and you can read all the books but it all comes down to you, what changes are you willing to make to make you can find personal happiness and have a great R.

[Broken74]

Thanks again for your post Brit45! :-)

I have no expectations for anything I am doing for them now. I am just hoping that the 529k contributions are not perceived by her as my still "being there", but I don't see how she wouldn't perceive them that way. It is for the direct benefit of the kids and not her however, so hopefully that doesn't count, and it is a 180 for me.

I wholeheartedly agree on your example for the anniversary. I'm not going to do anything at all, and now that I'm not thinking about that anymore I am very much at peace with that. :-)

As far as the new lady and I we are just "hanging out" really, nothing serious. And I probably should have chosen better words with the sex/GAL explanation. I am GAL like a crazy person doing whatever I want, whenever I want which is nice. I catch up with friends all the time, enjoy time at my golf club, am in a basketball league, and recently got a promotion at work that is keeping me more than busy. I guess my point with the sex is that I just very much enjoy the company of a woman, period. I don't HAVE to have that aspect in my life, but I have always enjoyed life more with a woman's touch present versus when it's not there. I'm not talking necessarily in a R sense either. Women have never been my problem, Marriages a different story I guess, I'm thinking maybe I'm just better served to avoid the contract.

So I do continue to work on myself, work is good, I'm working out getting in better shape, and I am detaching more everyday.

Which brings me back to full circle as to why I got spun up last week. The only reason I broke my darkness was because a "day of significance" (anniversary date of her surgery). This prompted me to text her and I got a positive response which led me to try to do something nice in the study care package that she enjoyed and thought was very thoughtful. Then I see that she unblocked from FB and visited my linkedin profile and was listening to all the "take me back" songs on my streaming music service.

So I initiated my own emotional spin cycle. Then mothers day is another trigger so I sent the card, but that was nothing major.

I am finally ready to drop the rope. I did it for 3 weeks I can do it for 4 months. After scrapping the anniversary there is no reason for me to contact her, there are no other dates of significance before July which is my stepkids birthdays.

I think my W is a WAS/MLC hybrid, she had it rough growing up and had a child at 14 after being "raped" (although I don't know in what context since I knew that would be a painful topic we never discussed).

I think I'm just going to journal going forward, because there is really nothing to think about anymore in terms of her or our R. I'm going to keep supporting my stepkids because I think it is the right thing to do, and because I know their biological fathers aren't going to.

Man this is a very cathartic experience. It's over, I accept it, and I'm not crying. Maybe something will change, maybe it won't. I'm living life for me and to make me happy, she's missing out and that's her choice. If the tides turn I'll have to think long and hard if she deserves another chance with my heart. I'm going to exhibit PATIENCE as that has been a very difficult thing for me to do during this ordeal. I am normally a very patient person but this HAS been so gut wrenching it has been hard to be patient. I finally realize that I have no control over this, it doesn't matter how nice I am or what I do it's not going to affect her train of thought, she is the only one who has the ability to figure anything out. If it's meant to be then our paths will cross again, if it's not then so be it, I will wish her the best and know I'm going to be happy.

I think I'm going to have more free time on my hands by not dwelling on this anymore. I will drop by and comment on sitch's if I think I can help. And I think I'll steal a page from Ro's book and post my weekly goals out here for public accountability. I'm working this weekend, but have a 4 day week and 3day GAL weekend in VA coming up and I can't wait!!!

Thanks Brit45 and everyone for your support I appreciate each and every one of you!

Hey listen, hear that??? THUMP That's the sound of a big a$$ rope hitting the floor...

[Yasu]

You have really progressed Broken! I can really tell! I appreciate you commenting on my old thread. I will update a new thread with numerous goals I achieved, which lead to some pretty darn good accomplishments recently. So -- I encourage you to stay with the "goal" program! Yas

[Broken74]

Thanks Yas! It's been the longest 8 months since the beginning of time, but I FINALLY think I've got it, maybe... lol

[Brit45]

You sound like you're getting it! Well done!

Well you can't control how she perceives the gift to the kids. And if you attempt to make sure she sees it one way it just screams that it's pursuing so leave it alone and continue doing what you're doing.

I would continue to do some soul searching on why you're seeking out female company or and if you need it. It's something I've had to do as well. As much as I enjoy being in the company of someone who finds me interesting and attractive it's only going to confuse the situation.

I thought you gave a really interesting story about the last time you recognised an anniversary. It spiralled...it started with a positive response from her and ended in you analyse song lyrics. In everything you have to look at it from how it affected you....you got the fix of a positive response so you continued and got another positive response but then it consumed you till you were at work looking at her FB wondering what she could be thinking. We've all been there. All we want is that tiniest positive reassurance and then we think we can detach loads more. CADET suggest a book to me called Solo Partner. There's a link to a thread from CADET about the dance of detachment that you might find interesting.

It sounds like you have a great life with a lot of good things going on! weekends away and time at your club. Don't downplay that! My IC made me list everything that was going right in my life to make me realize that although my M breaking down was MASSIVE in my mind it was only one aspect of my life.

Continue to focus on you. I think you have made some good changes now stick with them. In those 37 rules there's one about how your consistent actions will be taken more seriously than anything you can say.

((((((HUGS))))))

[Broken74]

Man I'm so sick of this song and dance, this is actually kind of funny. So I forgot my anniversary date, because this is the case it was quite easy to detach from this event. I thought it was 5/21 when it was actually Friday 5/11. This prompted the following text conversation from/with my W today. Get the 2x4's out I know I am unfortunately not good on my feet/in the heat of the moment.

W: Hey, Hey, Hey. You always ignore me on the weekends. Lol Helllurrr

Me: Hey, Happy Mothers Day

W: Thanks. Thanks for the card. I was surprised it was a mothers day card though. You so forgot!!

Me: So forgot what?

W: Anniversary

Me: I didn't forget anything. I didn't figure you'd like a reminder of something you wished never happened. Mother's days a little different.

Her: I don't believe you. I know you better than that. You would've at least sent a card. It's no biggie but it's ok for you to just admit you forgot.

Me: I didn't forget, you know I would never forget our anniversary. I'm just trying to do what you said you wanted and would make you happy. But make no mistake, I did not forget. I did celebrate the day and will be doing so as long as you're my wife (attached picture with my wedding band on). Be careful and please tell your Mom, Sister 1 and Sister 2 I said Happy Mothers Day.

I called her on the way home from Mom's and we had a quick chat. Explained how there was no way I forgot our anniversary, she was venting about everything she has going on, how her sisters husband is a jerk, and how her ex is making her life hell. I said I wished there was something I could do to help. She said she had to go but would call me later.

Then she reopens the text conversation:

W: Did you go to the Zac Brown concert?

Me: I would have liked to but I had to work. Actually working now, did you go?

W: Yep. Went with a group of friends. Wasn't that good. I just noticed the playlist on Rhapsody. Since when do you listen to country? Lol You must be dating a country girl.

Me: Cool I'm glad you had fun. Nope not dating a country girl. I've always dabbled in country. You must be dating a country guy.

W: I wouldn't say that but I think alot of ppl listen to some country.

Me: I just hope you're happy. You doing any karaoke? We could do some mean country karaoke duets. Not Country, but I've been trying to learn "Forget You" by Phone Calls from Home, that's one of my new favorite songs.

W: Shuddup. You saw that song in my playlist. I never listened to it (blatant lie she's listened to it at least 20 times). I was tryin to find the other forget you song. Lol

Me: You should give it a listen, it's good. Lets sing in Burlington on Wednesday night, I know a place. Although I may be working all night, I'm being told I'm being groomed for executive leadership lol.

W: You know our voices don't match

Me: I've been singing a lot, I can harmonize with pretty much anyone, we've never even sang together, you don't know everything ;-).

So this will probably continue throughout the evening. Time to strap back in GOOD GRIEF.

Take this as a positive thought right??? Any guidance/feedback is appreciated I will have much interesting content for my call with Cheryl tomorrow at 2pm, I will certainly report back with our discussion here.

Thanks in advance for any feedback and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!!!

[Broken74]

Oh yeah I forgot because I got so spun up, thanks for your post Brit, you are the best. I agree with labug, I know you just started here but your eloquence and train of thought are extremely helptful to everyone here I think, especially me. I would have thought you have been at this for years. Thank you again, I will read up on the pursuit/distancer/detachment dance because that's certainly what I'm in the midst of!!!

[Brit45]

been at what for years? trying to get my husband back? HAHAHA that's terrible.

But I am blushing thank you I am really happy that I'm able to help any. I just give my advice as if you were my friend and I want the best for you!

Okay PUT DOWN THE PHONE. if you don't want to ignore, fine on her next text say something that cuts off the conversation ie I'm really tired, I've been working all weekend going to take a nap/heading out with friends/something that can end it.

Positives: A) high 5 on the whole anniversary!!! I think that conversation went well! Who cares if you really forgot because you weren't going to send her a card/text anyway! Right? riiiiiight, B??? please say right. haha
B) she asked you about the country music, the concert and you were easy brezzy.
I actually looked at my old texts from THAT MOMENT when H GAL piqued my interests. I texted him saying why is there a fifth of vodka in the kitchen? since when do you drink alone? this is weird. whatever I'm ending this convo.

Negatives: you shouldn't have called. Hey, I'm not the best at this either but you should have left it. Give her space to think about things like you not sending card and how that makes her feel.
Also stop pursuing! you practically asked her out on a date, suggested it, then a venue. She baby stepped into being curious about you....kinda peeked around the corner and you ran out on the front lawn opened the doors and invited her to a bbq!

End it while you're ahead and continue to detach. All in all I think she's getting interested!

[Broken74]

You're right Brit, thank you again that's definitely what I need to do. I thought just detaching was hard when we weren't communicating at all, this is obviously only going to get harder before it gets easier. And I've already booked a 3day weekend this weekend with my lady friend, that's GAL right? lol My stress level is going to be through the roof, as sad as it is to say it, I think my sitch is in the best spot that it's been in since it started. So the keywords are PATIENCE and HOPE people...

Thanks again Brit and good luck to everyone!

[Broken74]

Man this is a very cathartic experience. It's over, I accept it, and I'm not crying. Maybe something will change, maybe it won't. I'm living life for me and to make me happy, she's missing out and that's her choice. If the tides turn I'll have to think long and hard if she deserves another chance with my heart. I'm going to exhibit PATIENCE as that has been a very difficult thing for me to do during this ordeal. I am normally a very patient person but this HAS been so gut wrenching it has been hard to be patient. I finally realize that I have no control over this, it doesn't matter how nice I am or what I do it's not going to affect her train of thought, she is the only one who has the ability to figure anything out. If it's meant to be then our paths will cross again, if it's not then so be it, I will wish her the best and know I'm going to be happy.

NEVER GIVE UP DB'S!!! Man I have not quoted myself before but this has to be my mantra going forward. I said this 48 hours ago and now it seems she is making the first small steps into putting some interest back into me. My anxiety is through the roof, I have a ridiculous week at work this week. I can't take meds I got some when I was freaking out last time and they sent me off the deep end to loopy land.

I am excited but so freaking scared I am going to do something stupid to $*@& this up. She hasn't texted back nor called. I'm just going dark and will see what she comes up with next. She did end up listening to the song I suggested and other "forgive me/take me back" titles like I Need You Now by Lady Antebellum. I know this is mind reading but as she somewhat alluded to "dating" someone (e.g. I wouldn't say that but I think alot of ppl listen to some country. **I think she was trying to bait me into getting ticked off***) why would she continually listening to all this "take me back" music? I KNOW I NEED TO STOP THIS BUT I CAN"T HELP IT. I did a 180 by not changing the password to my music service so she could keep using it, so I can see everything she listens too and SHE KNOWS I CAN SEE IT AND SHE KEEPS LISTENING TO ALL THE I MESSED UP/TAKE ME BACK MUSIC.

AAARGH I'm freaking out and mind reading out the WAZOO!!! I need 2pm tomorrow to come quick and need to CALM DOWN and hope that Cheryl will take me away!!!