Your H is a runner. It keeps him from having to face himself. My H is too, but his choice of running is work.
I agree with Bond that it is a set of choices, but I believe MLC is a form of mental disease. Not an excuse, but an explanation. The fog they're in allows them to justify the choices they make.
For a MLCer to make it to the other side it takes deep introspection. The facing and making connections to wounds that happened long before you met them. In many cases IC to help them understand and settle those internal issues.
It has been my observation that MLCer's try multiple methods to try and outrun their pain. Reality eventually smacks most of them right in the face and they eventually realize that the grass really wasn't greener and they are no happier and in many cases a lot less happy than they were before they left. Only now they have to face the destruction they caused.
As a mom, the hardest thing for me to deal with was the hurt to our children. When I accepted that I could do nothing about forcing H to be a good parent, I have let it go and stepped up for my kids.
What your H is doing is typical. You have no control over this. You only control yourself. Regardless of what he does, your boys know you're the one that is there for them. Unfair that it is you have to fill in, to the best of your ability, the gaps that your H has created.
You're doing well GM. It takes time to navigate your way through the chaos.
Thank you so much, SA. You're right. My H is a runner. He's also CA and PA. Because of that he has been storing frustration for things he felt he didn't have a say in (including the color of the carpet we put in five years ago!). He has blasted me with all of it, of course, forgetting all of the good things including his statement to me that "our marriage is perfect except for the finances." He said this in the six months before he left. I want to believe that in time he will stop hiding behind the ridiculous criticisms of me, reflect on himself and start remembering what was good. In the meantime, I'm reflecting now. Yes, there are things that I really love about my H, but there are other things that I don't. Can I live with the other things if we were to reconcile? I don't know. I feel like I'm doing a mental and emotional detox.
Regarding yesterday, I'm so glad that during my fit I posted here. In the past I have called my H and let him know that I thought he was wrong which turned into a R talk which ended with me feeling hurt. It took a lot of contol, but I'm so glad that I didn't contact him. I'm feeling better today and somewhat victorious.
I haven't heard anymore about the house refi, so maybe my H is annoyed at my response. Who knows. I'm starting to wonder if he has been so obsessed about the house because it's his only real reason to contact me. We don't communicate regarding the kids because there hasn't been much reason to. He has agreed that I will have 100% physical custody and he will have "reasonable" visitation. That's a fluid situation.
Regarding the D, my attorney hasn't heard from his regarding the next step which is providing income/debt statements. If my H wants this D to move along then he will have to push for it.
I have to respectfully disagree that MLC is not some kind of emotional disorder --because I truly think it is. After going through it myself --seeing a husband who was a pillar in our church --and highly respected for his work ethics at the office --reduce himself to being a kid who had to seek pleasure and women --there is no other conclusion that makes sense. Also I sought the help of a highly respected psychologist --who spent quite a bit of time with my husband and with me. His conclusion was that this was definitely MLC --and that my husband had suffered quite a bit of emotional abuse in his childhood at the hands of his parents. The death of my husband's father (my father in law)-was the event that triggered the whole explosion. But in looking back over a decade or longer before this --I can see two different times that my husband almost went over the cliff --but didn't. I didn't understand what was happening at the time --but after consulting the psychologist --and learning from Snodderly's messages --I realize that he tried to enter MLC years before --but didn't succeed. Which explains why this time his foray into "outer space" has been much more pronounced and destructive. Yes --I still believe that he is responsible for what he has done --but for the time being he is in the ozone --and not ready to face himself or the ugly truth. Thank goodness for forums like this one --to get more information out about what is really happening! MLC is an ugly thing --but for the most part --it started with parents who whether well meaning or not --did some major damage to their children. And now decades later --the price is being paid. Thanks again Snodderly --and to all of you who are doing such a great job in explaining the real truth of this horrible "transition". Ottocat
I agree, ottocat. I re-read snodderly's post re why they run. It describes my H perfectly. Thanks again, snodderly for providing that link to me a few weeks ago. Understanding what is likely going on takes some of the sting out. I realize the part of this that is the most hurtful is the thoughts I have of my H with other women. Of course, it's all in my imagination since I've not seen anyone that he is dating and I have no idea how they spend their time together. I'm really trying hard to control these thoughts. Any suggestions besides keep busy?
Snodderly, I've been going through your old posts looking for your email address. I haven't found it yet, but I've been caught up in reading other's stories. There have actually been a fair amount of reconciliations, but they took several to many years to happen. At least they did happen, so that's somewhat encouraging. Those that were successful had a tremendous amount of courage and resolve when dealing with their WS from opening the cage door to being a good listener and friend. I'm not quite there yet. I need to continue with detaching before I can consider being a friend. However, I can say there have been a few times when my H has opened up and we did talk like two old friends. One conversation was about something that happened to him as a teenager and the other was when we were discussing our respectives jobs. I realize that unless I have absolute control over my emotions and can keep the conversation off of us then I absolutely can't talk to him. I'm not a good actress so I can't fake being happy. In time, with total detachment, I'll be able to do that and we might be able to establish a new connection. Reading old threads and following the history of other situations will help guide me when I'm ready.
Golf Mom, One thing that I just thought of. We talk so much about how it takes such a long time for the MLCers to travel their journey before any sort of reconcillations are to be underway.
I think one thing we all need to remind ourselves of is how much time WE NEED. Look how much pain and heartache and detatchment we really need to work through and come to grips with, so if and when the "prodigal son" does return, we really can handle it with grace, dignity, detatchment, understanding and patience. WE really must travel a journey of our own to get there. And it's a long one!
In my opinion serious detatchment must be with us, yet at the same time total understanding of MLC and total acceptance of what happened, and being able to let that anger finally go and forgive.
I know for me that is the ONLY way I could EVER be friends with XH, and feel good about it.
I now know that I still have a long way to go because Im still just so angry. My anger lingers because Im in a new place...remembering oh so many things that were not nice, and realizing how I chose not to pay attention.
Look for TMAK-Explanation of Reconnection 05/27/04 and unless Snodderly has changed her email address you'll find it there.
I knew I'd seen it in one of the threads I'd printed off and sure enough, it was at the top of the page of the one I'd been re-reading most recently. Neat coincidence maybe? Hopefully saves that needle in a haystack experience for you.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Golf Mom --it sounds like you are doing just great. Realize that a man in MLC is really not himself at all --like Snodderly has said many times --he is the mirror image of the man you once knew. Talking to a man in MLC can be quite a challenge --because you still want to relate to him as before --and yet if you try things will really fall apart! Just keep reminding yourself that your husband is "in a different place" --be aware that he also may not have your best interests at heart --only his --and be wary of financial and legal issues. In some ways you are dealing with a spoiled little kid in a grown man's body --and you have to be very careful about anything that could affect you financially or legally. And yes --there are reconciliations --but often they can take several years. I have just witnessed one recently and the MLC spouse was gone for 12 years --but thanks to the incredible fortitude and insight of the left behind wife --this relationship now is very much alive and well! Hope you find this encouraging. But in the meantime --find some new paths for yourself --and make the most of life for you and your family. You will be glad that you did ---Ottocat
Kimmerz, you are so right. It is a long journey for us too and some parts, for me, have actually been good. I am definitely struggling though with the thought of my H with someone else and my own loneliness. I so don't want to be single again. The thought of dating sickens me. On the other hand I can't imagine being alone for the rest of my life. I really enjoyed being married even though some of it was difficult.
GWN, thank you so much for the clue. I was starting to wonder how I was ever going to find the post I needed. However, I have continued to learn a lot from those earlier threads. I believe it was TMAK's story that I was reading this morning. Her story had a good ending.
Ottocat, my H is very much looking out for himself and seems much more concerned with his own financial well being than that of mine and the boys. It's really amazing to me how someone who has children can be so self-absorbed.
I've been reading The Four Agreements again and one seems so applicable to what we are all dealing with. It's the second one, Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering. Oh how I want to master that one along with the others.
On the acting 'as if'. I found this very hard to do at first. What I did was start concentrating on the blessings I still had versus what I had lost. It wasn't long before I wasn't acting anymore.
Kimmerz is right, this is a long journey for us too. You will grow and change in ways that will empower you.
The thing I thank God for is that I get to take this journey with a clear and sane mind. My decisions and choices are not driven by emotions, unlike my H's.
There have been times where I was angry believing my H was out living the high life with his ow. Snodderly was so right when she told me that if I sat quietly, answers would come to me. Some of the things I learned about my H's 'new life' made me understand the phrase, "All is not as it seems".
I've turned it over to God and laid it at His feet. He's working on the other side of the mountain. This will turn out exactly like it is supposed to, and through your own journey you will gain the tools you need to deal with it no matter what way that is.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
