I know, particularly because I am now on post 27 and still in moderation, I'm using this forum to vent and express my frustrations, confusion, doubts that I don't feel comfortable sharing elsewhere.
What may not be coming across, however, is that alongside any comments I make about wanting to save my marriage (or not), I am committed to 'saving' myself. I've been doing a lot of self-analysis, 'Getting A Life' (I haven't been out this much since university), engaging in hobbies, exercising, going to counselling (although not finding it hugely helpful), taking more care of my appearance, trying self-hypnosis, and am trying to work out what (apart from my H) I actually want in life.
I've been doing this quite hard core since January. H has, in the past commented he was 'glad' I'm going out more and can see that I'm making changes, being proactive, doing things and that the changes I've made are 'commendable'. He simply, however, doesn't really care.
I know the purpose of GAL is to focus on and help myself, it's just so painful that he seems to have moved on so effortlessly and achieved a sense of peace, whereas I'm still waking up overcome with grief and panic each morning...
Or, should I just stop all contact and take the next 2 months to try to protect myself financially as much as I can (it's an automatic 50/50 split where I live unless I can get him to agree otherwise--this would leave him with $100k in his pocket and $3000 month in disposable income while I really struggle to manage._
I am committed to 'saving' myself. I've been doing a lot of self-analysis, 'Getting A Life' (I haven't been out this much since university), engaging in hobbies, exercising, going to counselling (although not finding it hugely helpful), taking more care of my appearance, trying self-hypnosis, and am trying to work out what (apart from my H) I actually want in life.
Good!
Originally Posted By: twl142
I'm still waking up overcome with grief and panic each morning...
Yes, working on stabilizing my emotions is something else I am really trying to do. I'm trying to be gentle with myself about it and give myself time but seems to be getting worse rather than better.
I accept that my only chance to save my marriage is by going dark.
Even then, however, I feel there really isn't anything in my favour that would help me save my marriage.
We live 2500 miles apart, H sees OW everyday H has indicated is has NO interest in reconciling and is 'truly happy' in his new life (which I can see that he probably is)
During our marriage I never gave myself fully to my husband. I was thoughtless, self-protectionist, set him unrealistic standards he couldn't achieve, and took him for granted. It hasn't been a particularly nice thing to find out or acknowledge about myself, but I completely accept it is true.
It has taken losing my H to make me take my blinders off, realise how much I love, care and appreciate him, to see how I've undermined his feelings (and ego), and to see how I've been steadily contributing to the break-down of our marriage. Another not nice thing to accept and acknowledge about yourself (and one of the reasons why I am perhaps somewhat defensive and more understanding/accepting of H's A).
I am starting to understand that, although I have been saying to him, I know there are no guarantees that things will work out, but I would like us to try to give our marriage another year, another 6 months, even another 6 weeks, to him it seems like I'm asking for an absolute and asking him to give up the OW, and be forever in marriage that he is certain is beyond repair and that could never be happy or healthy. From his perspective he probably feels like he gave me a decade to become the kind of W he wanted and needed and now it's "too little, too late" for him to give me any further consideration
From his perspective, I'm asking him to give up his current happiness for something that has 'not worked' for many years. If the situations were reversed I may have responded the same way he has.
His needs are now being met not just by the OW but also by a new city and job he loves.
I feel I have to acknowledge that there is no way I can compete--I really don't stand a chance and it's probably kinder (and less selfish) to all involved if accept he has found a new, happy life that doesn't include me.
Whether it's the ideal of marriage or whether it's him I've been struggling to fight for has been something I've been asking myself (particularly when all of this first began). It is also something H has mentioned previously, and to his mind at least, he thinks that, while I have grown to care/love him, it is the ideal of the marriage I am afraid of losing. One of my saddest realisations and discoveries is that it IS HIM, not just the ideal of our (or any) marriage. It has always been him. And part of me just can't bear to just let him go...
Someone else predicting your marriage is over is fortune-telling at best and unethical at worst---
Use the steps in Divorce Remedy, including the Last Resort Technique. A 'quick fix' or a 'technique/trick' isn't going to do it. REAL CHANGE...beginning with the Last Resort, to allow you and your spouse to center.
Begin systematically as if you haven't begun before.
From H's perspective he has a job he loves, has someone who makes him feel good about himself (and like he is the only person that matters), a good circle of friends and a good lifestyle. Coming back here, means not only coming back to me (someone he no longer loves or probably even likes anymore), a marriage that would take a lot of hard work and effort with no guarantee of it ever actually being happy, no job (his job is very important to him), the reality of life with its many day-to-day chores and errands, and no close friends nearby (living in a university town a lot of my H's close friends have since moved away). I can appreciate it is not an appealing prospect and, if the situation was, reversed and I didn't feel so strongly about not divorcing/always being committed no matter what, I would also probably try to hold onto my new found happiness like grim death.
You can start changing things right now so that your life is not this. It sounds like a big drag (from his viewpoint), and for your H to want to be married to you, not because of a sense of obligation or commitment, but because that is the best life he can imagine, you need to change that picture. He may not see it, but you need to change it for you too, and for anyone who might be in your future.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
