2012- that's great news! It would take some of that baby joy away knowing that papers were on their way. Now you can breathe and enjoy preparing for your new little one. Sounds like you are doing great, keep up the good work!
M 37, H 37 M 10, T 12 S 4 D 2 3/14/12 ILYBNILWY 4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing 4/26/12 H moves to his new place
I know!! I am still a little giddy over it! I had looked online and thought that was how I interpreted it off the website, but it was so good to hear an actual lawyer put it into words to my husband and I think it will help him stop putting so much thought into it, because he knows I'm not going to budge on it earlier.
I was really sick over thinking about having the baby and then having to worry every day if this would be the day he decides to do it. I feel like a real weight has been lifted.
M 36 H 36 D9,S6, Expecting D in August 2012 M 13 T 18 Told me he wanted to separate 12/31/2011 Moved Out 2/2/2012 Didn't want to work on things, wanted divorce 4/20/2012
My husband came back over before he went to work to go eat dinner with us. He said his sister and her family had called and they were traveling through the area and were going to stop by in about 30 minutes to come see us all. I was excited they were stopping in, I really love their family. I think he expected for me to freak out a bit, because I hadn't had any prep time to clean up or anything, but I really didn't even think about it, except to run the vacuum really quick over the rug in the living room. That was a 180 for me. I usually want the house all clean and picked up before anyone comes over.
I don't know if it was because of that, or what, but I went back in the kitchen after that and was finishing up making dinner and he came in there and just said he wanted to tell me something really quick. I was on high alert, because these conversations can be bad. Anyway, I said sure, what was it. He said he just wanted to tell me that he was really happy with the way I have been this week and the way I have been with him! I wanted to jump up and down at that point, because it's one of the few nice things he has said directed right to me in a loooooooong time! And he just said it, kind of gave me this serious smile and I reached over and rubbed his neck and said thank you, that means so much to me, then he went back out of the room. Definite babystep!!
I know better than to feel too excited, because I know I can have a great day with him and it can go haywire the next, but I am so glad for how things went today. And it has also been a week since we've had a big blow-up. I have done pretty good about avoiding any hot talk and trying to stand down when I can tell he wants to make an issue of something. That is so hard for me sometimes, but ready to do it for another week and see how if there is more progress.
M 36 H 36 D9,S6, Expecting D in August 2012 M 13 T 18 Told me he wanted to separate 12/31/2011 Moved Out 2/2/2012 Didn't want to work on things, wanted divorce 4/20/2012
So far today, he called after he got off work and came by for an hour or so to see the kids before we went out to go do some shopping we had planned. He didn't go with us, he went home to nap. We left it at maybe he would call later and he would go to a movie with us that the kids want to go see. So, we are back home and may have that happening in a few hours. Trying not to count on it, he is kind of moody with what he is the mood for.
I've been doing good about keeping busy. It seems like we get along good when we are around each other right now. Not like everything is great, but it is more relaxed, and I can tell he is not stressed all the time about me. I am trying to keep standing back and not pushing for confirmations on getting together, trying to arrange things too much. I know if I start that it will be pressure and go downhill.
We are probably at the best place we have been in at least a month, maybe since this all started even. It is still not even close to reconciliation, more like a friendly truce, but I'm glad to see progress and I am hoping to continue the DB and the progress will get even better. I do feel like I am on eggshells a bit when he is around, always trying to keep it friendly, not push too much, not be around all the time, it is a little exhausting. Like trying to tame or not spook a wild animal.
M 36 H 36 D9,S6, Expecting D in August 2012 M 13 T 18 Told me he wanted to separate 12/31/2011 Moved Out 2/2/2012 Didn't want to work on things, wanted divorce 4/20/2012
He texted and wanted to see the movie after all. We met up with him and drove over. It feels good how much less tense things are when we are together. He still seems like a stranger in some ways though. Like he is never all the way comfortable and a little harsh at times in his responses. I don't take it personal, it's just a mannerism I hadn't noticed him having before. The theater was packed when we got there, and we actually had to split up and he sat with our son a few rows back and my daughter and I sat up front more. That was a bit of a downer, because we always talk all through the movies and like to laugh together, etc. I acted like it was no big deal though, and afterwards we all talked all the way home about the movie and the parts we liked. It was the Avengers, and such a good movie! I was really glad we were able to go and it was fast to come home afterwards, because he had to work, but we packed in a lot of good interactions.
He mentioned that tomorrow he wanted to take the kids and spend the day with them on a "secret mission". He won't tell me what it is either, but he says it is good and I will like it. I have a feeling it is to get something for me for mother's day, because I can't think of anything else it would be. And I am kind of excited, because he is not a gift giver, so it will be neat to see what they pick out. I think it will just be something from the kids, but that is still more than he usually does. I am not going to get my hopes up that it will be something from him that shows more progress or leads to more. I am still just going to be happy that he is pre-planning something that revolves around me with the kids and glad for whatever it is.
Next weekend his whole family is getting together at his Mom's house and he works, but he wants me to go ahead and go with the kids. I think I will, although I feel wierd about it. I get along great with his family, I just feel strange going by myself and they all know our situation. He wants me to do it though, and I want to try and show I can be independant, so I am going to do it and try to enjoy it all and hopefully he will like that and it will help us even more. I feel like I'm always trying to figure out the next step for advancement lately. I'm so thrilled to have a week without any backsliding for once, the babysteps are really on my mind and I keep trying to figure out how to get more when I get a chance.
M 36 H 36 D9,S6, Expecting D in August 2012 M 13 T 18 Told me he wanted to separate 12/31/2011 Moved Out 2/2/2012 Didn't want to work on things, wanted divorce 4/20/2012
getting together at his Mom's house and he works, but he wants me to go ahead and go with the kids. I think I will, although I feel wierd about it. I get along great with his family, I just feel strange going by myself and they all know our situation. He wants me to do it though, and I want to try and show I can be independant,
Is this how YOU want to spend Mother's Day?
I'm not sure that doing what he wants you to do shows your independence.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
One of the things he has said to me before is how I don't show independence about doing stuff on my own like trips I want to take, planning for stuff that takes me out of my comfort zone a little. I traditionally rely on him to go with us, or to plan it out.
I have been after him to go with me to his Moms for a couple of months. She lives a few hours away. His Mom has been texting me asking when a good weekend would be to get all the kids together, and his schedule just isn't where we can take a weekend to all go. He is an EMS pilot, and is doing crop dusting on the side, and the hours have been over the top this spring. Anyway, she finally just set a weekend, asked us all to come, and I do want to go and see them. We always have a blast. His brothers and sisters are like my own. When he was deployed I did it all the time. I am just feeling wierd now because of our situation. I know they are all fully supportive of me and have each told me that individually and repeatedly, I'm just dealing with my own demons of trying to get myself to go do something on my own with the kids, and commit to it. Without him. That has been hard for me to do since this separation started. I stay close to home a lot, and don't like to face people, or worry about talking too much about the situation. I know that is a big part of getting a life, and I need to step it up more, but it feels like we are making a little bit of slow progress, so I always worry about messing it up.
I know, on the surface it sounds like I am worrying too much about what he wants, but with the PTSD, there is a lot of push away, pull back on his part, and I am dealing with trying to gain his trust and him being able to be close again to me, so I feel like I am trying to listen a lot to what he needs to be able to overcome that hurdle. He has pushed away all close relationships and as bad as he is to me, I'm still the closest one. He can deal with work people easier, because he doesn't open up to them. I wish I had a good support group close by for spouses dealing with PTSD vets I could reference for help. I feel like it is a little different situation than the normal WAH, although there are similarities too. He was diagnosed and started counseling within a month of the talk of problems in our marriage and from what I can find in books and off of online forums dealing with this, I'm not the first person dealing with this reaction. PTSD spouses have big issues with trust and closeness, especially with their significant others. So, while I am trying to treat this as we did have problems in our marriage that needed fixed, I'm trying to figure out how to deal with them and not go dark, or let him feel I am pushing him away in any way, because from what I have learned he needs to be able to re-learn to trust and let me close to him again. I really feel out of my element half the time to figure out how to put the pieces together correctly.
I have heard his brother refer to this time in our life as my husband has deployed again. That is kind of accurate. He focuses on work, fitness, himself, and has moved out, kind of isolated himself, and when he feels like he is ready for family time, he comes to us. It sounds a lot like MLC symptoms too, so I get confused, but he has been diagnosed with PTSD, so I keep going back to that as the biggest factor. Divorce Busting tactics have been helping our situation in that I have stopped freaking out about the whole situation, begging, persuading, etc., but I am in a bit of limbo trying to figure out how to piece what I am learning about PTSD and relationships in there, because it is a piece of this puzzle too. And it doesn't fit in there quite the standard way a civilian WAH would operate.
Anyway, I know that was a lot, but I hope it was a little clearer on what my Mother's Day dilemma was about. It would show him independence for me to take the kids and do a weekend without him and go out and have fun, I am just a little torn over leaving him for a weekend and going to his family and enjoying them the whole time while he works. And I want to make sure it is what he really wants, so I don't end up hurting any progress towards trust we have made on the PTSD trust issue.
M 36 H 36 D9,S6, Expecting D in August 2012 M 13 T 18 Told me he wanted to separate 12/31/2011 Moved Out 2/2/2012 Didn't want to work on things, wanted divorce 4/20/2012
Today, he had taken the kids out all day to go to an animal type nature park and then shopping. They bought something for me for mother's day too,I think. I was watering the flowers when they got home and I had to turn around and close my eyes so they could unload the car into their Dad's car with lots of kid patrol and "don't peek Mom's". It was cute. I heard all about what they had saw, then my H said he wanted to talk to me for a minute, so we got the kids inside and came back out to talk in private.
He was supposed to take the kids tonight to sleep at his house, but he asked me if it would be okay for them to stay here with me. He said he had them all day and just really needed to be alone tonight and sort out his thoughts. And then he also said he wanted to tell me he was going to go to his counseling tomorrow and then go fishing or do something alone all day and just wanted to basically disappear for a day to think and be alone (his words), but he wanted me to not worry and know he was okay, he is just processing a lot and really needed to not be around anyone. Tomorrow is a PTSD counseling appointment in the morning. When he started them, he wanted me to go on each one, now he wants to go by himself and he doesn't want to be around anyone afterwards for a bit. This is the first time he is making a day of it, but it is also the first full day off in a long time that I can remember when he has had an appointment.
I said that was fine and I understand, and just to call me if he needed to talk or wanted anything. I know I have to give him that space when he needs it, and I have been seeing how he loves the kids, but I can tell it is a lot for him to handle sometimes. I know he is struggling with the knowledge that he feels he can't handle certain situations, and that is hard for him.
We talked a little more, and he really opened up and frankly blew my mind. He was telling me how he is struggling a lot, he is crying frequently, he goes back and forth from hour to hour about getting a divorce and then moving us all back in together and moving somewhere new to start over together. He talked about how a lot of the time he doesn't say anything, because he knows his thoughts are going all over the place and aren't leveled out, so he just says nothing and lets it pass. It was probably a 30 minute conversation where he did all the talking and really opened up. It also really confirmed in my mind not to question whether PTSD is the driving force in what he is going through right now ever again. I was able to even talk to him a little about it and he didn't react like he usually does. I think he knows it even, and he is fighting that knowledge, but I could see it in his face that he knows it is controlling his actions and changing him. He even said at work, his coworkers are talking about how he is more anti-social at work and doesn't talk as much, keeps to himself, goes to bed early. (He sleeps there in 12 hour shifts.)
I just told him I am glad he is still talking to me and thanked him for letting me know he needs the space and not just disappearing and letting me worry. I told him I will be there if he needs to talk or needs anything, but that I would leave him alone so he could have his solitude and space tomorrow that he asked for. I also thanked him for being honest with me. I know he is closing doors on people left and right, and even with how he is acting with me, he is trying hard to not do that and hurt me. Man, this is hard to watch though. To see how hurt he is and how he is hurting himself, and to not really be able to do much to help it, except stay away when he needs it and try to give him "normal" when he can deal with it.
I actually mentioned that I had been reading about PTSD and spouses and had found that forum that I mentioned in an earlier post and it was helpful to me to read about other situations people are going through. I was careful not to blame everything on PTSD and him, because he gets very upset if he feels I am "diagnosing" him and the relationship, but he actually just listened this time and didn't react. He didn't say much either, but he was listening. I didn't talk about it much, I didn't want to push my luck, I was just trying to open a dialog with him, but I told him I was trying to learn more about it, and that I wanted him to know he can talk with me about anything and he can also let me know when he feels a certain way and I would try to help him if I could, or if he wanted me to. I said I'm not going to judge his actions, or react, I just want to be there for him, and I hope that he doesn't feel the need to hide it from me. I know he heard it, and will think about it. I also know this appointment tomorrow is a big deal for him.
It is a lot for me to think about tonight. I feel like I know better what I am fighting now. I just have to figure out how to go about it.
M 36 H 36 D9,S6, Expecting D in August 2012 M 13 T 18 Told me he wanted to separate 12/31/2011 Moved Out 2/2/2012 Didn't want to work on things, wanted divorce 4/20/2012
In the middle of H's disappearing day. Feels wierd to know I for sure won't hear anything from him today all day. I have kept busy doing things around the house and am getting ready to go get the kids now from school. I can only hope he is having good time to think and that the thoughts are leaning towards the positive with regards to me and our family. Still trying to process all that he told me yesterday about how he is all over the place in what he is thinking. I suspected as much, but to hear him lay it out like that was pretty eye-opening. I really hope the good and our family will overrule whatever keeps pulling him back towards walking away from everything and that he decides to make some commitments to our family. I need to get busy again. I really don't need time to think today, it is hard and makes me just go over stuff I really can't do much about.
M 36 H 36 D9,S6, Expecting D in August 2012 M 13 T 18 Told me he wanted to separate 12/31/2011 Moved Out 2/2/2012 Didn't want to work on things, wanted divorce 4/20/2012
SF so sorry not to have been on your thread until now I have just caught up and think you've had a lot of breakthroughs.
I can't even begin to give any advice on PTSD but I do think he sounds like my H with the processing. Once we had a massive talk about me wanting him back and him dating another girl and that night he told me he went to bed at like 5pm and slept the whole night through. Processing. I think some men will have a conversation or an event whether that's with you, the counselor, or the kids, then need to go away and think about it with no outside input.
Rather than hoping the thoughts are positive towards you guys instead just think and hope that he is healing and getting clearer in his thoughts. He sounds hurt, confused, and conflicted.
oh my H used to say the same thing about me not doing things on my own however if you won't feel comfortable don't go. Do something else on your own. Take the kids out somewhere, someplace you've always wanted to go.
