My Story/Mixed Messages...

[2012sf]

The doctor's appt went well enough this afternoon. Waited in the waiting room for almost an hour before we went back, then got the cast put on his arm. He has been a trooper. Hasn't even wanted pain meds. I gave him some tonight just to make myself feel better I think.

Interactions with my H were good enough. He was happy and talkative. Still wish I would get the detaching thing down better. It is so hard when we leave and normally we'd all go with him. He mentioned driving around a little to look at the Fort and eating out. That was one of our favorite things to do was to drive around and check out an area, listen to music, talk. Now he doesn't want me along. I just took the kids and we headed home. And I fought not crying and just felt bad. I know I am letting him determine my mood with that. I just can't seem to get it in check though. I guess I need to feel good with the fact that I dealt well with him, we made it through another day without any problems. I feel like I am really starting to have it sink in that he is gone and I don't have my best friend anymore to hang out with and it hurts pretty bad. My idea of family I have is just not there anymore. And who knows if it ever will be again. It makes me look around and really feel like I am not happy with where my life is right now. I know I have to try and find out what will make me happy, I am not doing a good job of that.

We texted a little more tonight, just him checking on our son, small talk, and I am just going to try to be happy that I didn't mess up and we made it through another day with good communication and no blow-ups.

Tomorrow I go to counseling in the morning, then will probaby hear from him later in the day. He was going to go get the kids and take them, then later that night our daughter has a gymnastices program. So we'll all go to that together and the kids were going to spend the night with him at his place. Feeling rough tonight, and lonely. I know I am wallowing in self-pity right now. Time to go to bed and start over again tomorrow.

[fightingforit]

2012sf- you are right our sitchs do have a lot of similarities. My H is really pushing my buttons this week, I called the DB center and I am going to talk to my coach in the am about how to handle it. THis is a frustrating process and I have to commend you for being able to do it while pregnant! You are a strong woman. I will be reading:)

[2012sf]

Fightingforit,

I will probably get a DB coach sometime in the future. I am seeing an IC through my husband's work insurance right now, so going that route for a bit. I can't afford the DB coaches yet, but I will make definitely do that if it gets down to last resort time and he is filing paperwork, etc.

I know what you mean about pushing your buttons. I used to feel I was overly sensitive to some things my husband would say that caused me to feel insecure, but I am starting to see a few behaviors in there that I think may be intentional. I know better than to second-guess his motivations, but I am really starting to see a pattern of when I am happy, he has a few things he does to take it down a notch. When I feel more upset, he seems like he is happier around me. I have noticed it a couple of times where he says something kind of out of nowhere that he knows would probably hurt or get a reaction and then yesterday, he did it twice right before we were leaving. I am really trying not to let it get to me and just blow it off and keep on with the positive attitude. I felt like crying most of the way home yesterday, but I don't show that to him. I never would have thought he had that in him before, but now that I am seeing a lot of sides of his personality I hadn't realized were there, I'm starting to see some of that too. It is a little empowering, because I feel it is a sign I am gaining a little perspective on his true personality and not just attributing this whole mess to me. But it is unsettling to realize if he is that kind of person, there is probaby more, and it is making me think will we ever be able to fix this and get a good marriage put back together out of all of this?

[2012sf]

Journaling--I went to my IC this morning. I wasn't sure what to talk about, but once I got in there, it flowed pretty good. My counselor mentioned that when she first saw me, we were talking more about my anxieties, insecurities, and she said now when we talk she is getting a sense of just an overall sadness about the situation. It's funny to hear how you are through someone's eyes. I do feel that way right now. When this all started I was worried, trying everything I knew to reverse things, felt like a mess, insecure in myself. Now I still am anxious and worried sometimes, but I have really gotten better about watching my actions, what reactions they get from my husband, thinking a lot about my future and how to handle things without him. I have been feeling very sad lately for a few different reasons. I feel sad for losing the dreams and plans we were making that were all getting ready to take place. I feel sad for this baby and how we had planned it, were excited about it, and here we are on the verge of divorce and it isn't even going to know what it is like to live in a home with two parents if we don't fix this. I feel sad for my kids and how they are hurting. I feel sad for my husband. I see him trying to do things like he is a single guy in his early 20's, and making work and people that he has only met in the last year or so priority in his life, and not seeing the effects on his life he is creating. I feel sad I am going to have to figure out how to be a single Mom with 3 kids and possibly move all of us to a new town to finish school and find a good job. I miss having a close adult to share things with and that knows me and wants to be a part of my day to day life.

Lately, I am having a different perspective on our situation and I am seeing how careless he is treating these wonderful kids and the relationship we had built for so many years. It is so hard for me to wrap my mind around the giant switcheroo in his attitude and thoughts that he pulled out. I am not saying in any way that I am giving up. I just really am starting to feel he is on a path that is going to really hurt to watch, that will hurt me and our kids so much, and is going to end up hurting him. I can't stand that thought. It's like he is trying to grow up all over again. I don't like seeing it happen, but I can't push him away to the point where I am not seeing it either. I am not ready to do that kind of stance. Not strong enough to enforce it with him. This last week has really shown me how he doesn't care about anyone, except himself though. He has duties in his mind and he is trying to check those blocks, but he is spending all his free time living for his wants and needs, shedding any commitments outside of financial, work, and kid time. I'm like the nanny he can leave the kids with and come by to grab whenever he feels like making time.

I expect to hear from him anytime now. I feel like I am too weak to go through this rollercoaster every day.

[scaredsilly]

yes, we didn't get into these sitch's by ourselves. the thing is, if we fix ourselves, will we be "too good" for our spouses if they don't?

[2012sf]

Scaredsilly,

I talked about that with my IC this morning. I was saying how at least I feel like I am getting some perspective and working on myself, and heaven knows I do NOT want another man for a long time, if ever, but at least I feel like I will have my eyes wide open and be really on the ball with reality and what is going on.

It's like watching a car wreck in slow motion with my husband. And it really hurts, because I care about him. Even though he is doing most of it to me, I still feel so much pain and sympathy for him because I see the way he is hurting the relationship he has with our kids, with his family, placing value on things that are fleeting, he is setting himself up to be in such a bad place. I almost feel guilty to GAL, because I feel like it is leaving him behind even more and he is already doing so much of that to himself and hurting from it. I don't want to hurt him, which sounds crazy even to me as I say it when I think of what he has been doing to me. I know I will come out of this eventually and be better than I have ever been, it is just really hard now. My H is digging a hole for himself, saying he wants to move on and have all these things, but none of his actions are setting up a scenario for these things. It is sad.

[2012sf]

Finally had to text him to see if he was picking up the kids or not. We left it up in the air yesterday. He was, just thought I knew that. I won't see them all until later when I have to fix my daughter up for her program. Wish I would see them sooner. I miss the kids.

It's not been the best day. A friend had her baby today and texted me a big family picture of them. Makes it feel so bad about how messed up our family is right now. In 3 months when we have this baby, I'm pretty sure our family isn't going to be all put back together. To hear my husband tell it, I'll be getting divorce papers as a present right after. Grieving what used to be right now.

[Brit45]

I've just read your entire thread....I don't know how long this will take to be moderated and updated.

I don't know if you're giving yourself enough credit for everything you're going through and doing. During a separation, everything gets turned upside down..even small things like who cooks the dinner and turns off the lights to big things like finances, child care, taking care of things you never had to do before (you should have seen me trying to find a fuse in the house) You are handling all this and keeping a civil relationship with the person who is breaking your heart. You're understanding of his situation, listening to him, and keeping things friendly. And you're doing all this with PG hormones floating around.
Give yourself a MASSIVE pat on the back if not from yourself from me! You're so strong. Probably stronger than you realise. I don't even know you and I'm proud of you.
Many of us act out emotionally, angrily, we vent at them, blame them, etc.
I can't predict the future or I wouldn't be here trying to ask others if they think there's hope for me. But I'll tell you what my therapist said at the very least you'll have a friend for life at best you'll be better lovers than you ever were before.

[2012sf]

Brit45,

Thank you so much for the kind words. They really gave me a boost and made me feel good. It is good to hear sometimes how much we are doing right, when all I had been focusing on was the bad. I am really trying right now to stop with the negative and try to focus on the positive and not let it all get to me so much. I come on here to journal and let it all out, and that helps a lot. Sometimes just venting and letting off steam helps me feel better and keep from doing it with the person. Anyway, just really wanted to say thank you for your post. I will have to find your threads and go read your situation.

[2012sf]

Today has been actually good, even though it was stressful for a moment. My husband and I met up to go to our daughter's school for a party they were having.

Before that, we did our bill talk we do every 2 weeks so that we are on the same page about our joint account and how the money is flowing, etc. It went well. I had actually sat down and worked up a budget a few days ago for me and the kids in case of divorce. Kind of a snapshot of what I wanted the finances to be if I had to take care of them on my own. It was depressing to do, but I had kept wondering with as much as he was throwing the D words around, so it was for me to get a better grasp on finances for myself to know what I was looking at if he never changes his mind and we start getting into legal stuff. Anyway, I was talking with him about it, and finishing my school, etc., and he let it drop that he had went to talk to a lawyer just to find out more about everything, because he had heard what I had told him, but wanted to have things verified.

At this point my heart dropped to my toes and I felt like I was going to throw up. I held it together though and kept calm. I asked what he had found out.

He basically said the lawyer verified what I had told him. In our state, since the separation wasn't wanted by me, I had 2 years from the move out date before he could file for divorce. YES!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so happy!!! That just bought me a ton of time to Divorce Bust, and just not worry about him serving me papers.

He confirmed some other stuff that I had told him also, nothing major like that date stuff.

I asked what he thought about it all and he just said he was glad he went so that he knew what to expect now and had actual confirmation on stuff. That he wasn't planning on filing anything right now anyway, and that he was happy with how the last week had been between us with how we are getting along and stuff, so he just wanted to keep working on us getting along and get ready for the baby and continue just living and doing what we have. It was actually a relief to hear all of this. I know I have until February 2014 now until he can make this legal. I can only imagine the rollercoaster we will ride until that date, but at least I have the relief of knowing I have time. And I can have this baby with no papers being served right afterwards.