Approximately 15 months ago (December 2010) my wife found out that I was involved with another women. My affair was 4 weeks old when this happened and the affair hadn't gotten to the point were it was physical; however, if my wife would have not caught me the affair was surely headed toward becoming physical. I immediately ended my affair with the other woman, and begged for my wife to forgive me. My wife was extremely hurt as one could imagine, but I was grateful for her strength. My wife decided that our marriage and family are important enough to get through this difficult time. we made a committment to each other and we had one counseling session with our friend and Pastor. Unfortunately, I had to go away on a military deployment just a couple of day after our counseling session, in fact when my wife found out about my affair I was away in training and was onoly able to come home for 4 days before I had to leave once again. My being away proved to be of no help as it was during my many months away that my wife decided to divorce me. I came home on a 15 day leave in August 2011 and that is when my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. I went into complete panic mode, which completely backfired. Up until this point I was under the impression that we were still very much in marriage saving mode. It was at this point I found the Divorce Remedy. I read it and made a plan to save my marriage on my own knowing my wife didn't want to save our marriage. I finally came home in December 2011 and immediately went to work applying the techniques I had learned about in the Divorce Remedy. I was sleeping in a different room. I was patient and things started to change. We started going out and hanging out in the house doing everything together and having fun together. It got to the point that my wife initiated sex. I was completely amazed that we had gotten this far in just one month of me being home. It was now February 2012 when my wife went away for work for a weekend and did something to raise my suspicion that there was someone else in her life. I confronted her with kid gloves about it and she absoluetly exploded. Needless to say my wife ended our hanging out and ended our sexual activity. Again, I found myself back at square one. I kept applying the techniques but I saw almost no progress. I began to wonder more and more if there was another person in her life, so I asked her. She then told me that there was another man that was interested in her and that in fact she too was very interested in this other man. This hit me hard and became physically sick. It was almost as if she was proud of this fact. At this point I thought that it was just that, an interest without action. I decided to go to work on saving my marriage with more determination. At this point my wife was spending very little time at home and was staying over a grilfriends house. I grew more suspicious because of this and asked her once again about this guy she is interested in and how far it had gone. At this point she was minimizing her involvment and it was very apparent. Well, she finally told me that she had in fact been talking with this man for several months now and went on to tell me that she was fully justified in doing so because of what I had done and that she would continue even though no divorce papers had been filed. I had never felt so disrespected. She not only matched what I had done but was in fact proud of it and throwing it in my face. To top it off my wife was free to come a go all while I provide for her cancer recovering mother who lives with us. Yesterday, I decided I would no longer stand idle while she continued with this other man. I told her she would have the weekend to move herself and her mother out and that I would be at my brother's house with our 3 sons for the weekend to give her ample time to move out. Apparently she will be staying at her girlfriend's house. Ths was not at all easy, it hurts to kick someone you care and love about out of my home, but I reached my breaking point. The level of disrespect is beyond what I could endure. After all this, I'm still of the mind that if she came to me at anytime and told e that she wanted to give us another go and the other man was out of the picture, with proof, I would ,without hesitation, hit the ground running to save my marriage and rebuild our love.
Welcome to the forum and sorry you find yourself here. A couple things first, break your post into paragraphs so we can read it easier. Also, put whatever pertinent info into your sig line. Wow. Yeah, this will be tough, but every switch is tough. WAS will lie about the level of contact, always minimizing it. And your W is feeling entitled right now because the line was crossed already by you. I think you have done pretty well so far and have drawn your boundaries. You could step back for a bit and breathe, regroup. Have your plan ready. This will be dynamic, of course, because her behavior will determine the plan. Hang in there and don't be afraid to ask us questions.
I think you did the right thing by taking control back. Including telling her to move out. The only way she may get rocked to her core, is to see how life will be without you. You may not recover you marriage, but the important thing is to recover yourself.
1. Where will your sons be living ? 2. Are you still in active duty ? 3. Do you have another deployment coming up ?
Now you have some advantages over a left behind husband / betrayed husband.
You will understand her M.O. As you have experienced it first hand. You also understand that there is nothing you can say or do to make her come back into the marriage. Only she can do that. It is a choice. And one that she will have to make.
As you have already been working on regaining your self respect as a man. I suggest that you stay in your lane and continue this personal growth. As you have said. Respect is important. And if you waffled like a fish out of water, IMHO you will lose your self-respect. So continue to work on your-self. Your going to need a BFH for this. Grow into the man you want to be. One that will make yourself proud. One that will make others take notice. Make this your primary goal. And show it with actions not words. As this is an inner journey.
The other aspect that you need to do right away is square away your finances. Joint accounts. Close them. Joint credit cards. Cancel them. Do it quick. Take a snapshot of your fiances and put it away. If your paying for the cell phone or car insurance. Begin the motions to cancel it. Square away the finances for you and your family. Do not help her in anyway. Do not finance her flight in anyway.
The next aspect is to act as-if. I believe that you should not fall back into your old habit that got you to square one 15 months ago. You need to be a rock. [url=www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45664&Number=1972248#Post1971843]Read this and understand what is being said.[/url] She is going to come at you with anger. When she does. You be respectful. You be a gentleman. But you do not put up with any bad behaviour. You hang up. You call it out. But you end the conversation. If she comes at you to help with fixing the car, or help on the apartment. You do not help. She has decided that she does not need a husband. So she gets none of those perks. Do not meet any of her emotional needs.
I think that you should not leave the house when she is moving out. This way you can verify that she is not taking anything that should stay in the house. I also think that you need to take inventory of everything in the house right now. So you know exactly what she is taking. And for afterwards when she comes back looking for some dvd or something. You can state. All items will remain in the house until separation is finalized.
And read , read , read.
See what works.
See what drags out limbo.
The goal here is to get you back on your feet. And on the path to recovery. To become a strong man. For yourself first. Your boys second. And to be of the right frame of mind to be able to make your choice to repair the marriage, when your wife makes her choice.
Good luck.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
1. Where will your sons be living ? 2. Are you still in active duty ? 3. Do you have another deployment coming up ?
Now you have some advantages over a left behind husband / betrayed husband.
You will understand her M.O. As you have experienced it first hand. You also understand that there is nothing you can say or do to make her come back into the marriage. Only she can do that. It is a choice. And one that she will have to make.
As you have already been working on regaining your self respect as a man. I suggest that you stay in your lane and continue this personal growth. As you have said. Respect is important. And if you waffled like a fish out of water, IMHO you will lose your self-respect. So continue to work on your-self. Your going to need a BFH for this. Grow into the man you want to be. One that will make yourself proud. One that will make others take notice. Make this your primary goal. And show it with actions not words. As this is an inner journey.
The other aspect that you need to do right away is square away your finances. Joint accounts. Close them. Joint credit cards. Cancel them. Do it quick. Take a snapshot of your fiances and put it away. If your paying for the cell phone or car insurance. Begin the motions to cancel it. Square away the finances for you and your family. Do not help her in anyway. Do not finance her flight in anyway.
The next aspect is to act as-if. I believe that you should not fall back into your old habit that got you to square one 15 months ago. You need to be a rock. [url=www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45664&Number=1972248#Post1971843]Read this and understand what is being said.[/url] She is going to come at you with anger. When she does. You be respectful. You be a gentleman. But you do not put up with any bad behaviour. You hang up. You call it out. But you end the conversation. If she comes at you to help with fixing the car, or help on the apartment. You do not help. She has decided that she does not need a husband. So she gets none of those perks. Do not meet any of her emotional needs.
I think that you should not leave the house when she is moving out. This way you can verify that she is not taking anything that should stay in the house. I also think that you need to take inventory of everything in the house right now. So you know exactly what she is taking. And for afterwards when she comes back looking for some dvd or something. You can state. All items will remain in the house until separation is finalized.
And read , read , read.
See what works.
See what drags out limbo.
The goal here is to get you back on your feet. And on the path to recovery. To become a strong man. For yourself first. Your boys second. And to be of the right frame of mind to be able to make your choice to repair the marriage, when your wife makes her choice.
I don't know. I left when i confirmed my husband's affair, but sometimes i wonder if putting distance between you and the WAS is helpful for the marriage. I understand the need to give space, but is separation really helpful? (just trying to get your opinions)
Me 33, H 34 T 15 (on and off, 7 years this stretch) M 4 DD 3 OW July 2010, IDLY - Oct 2010
1st sep 28/5/11-14/8/11 (my idea) OW confirmed 25/11/11 (H travelled with OW 26/11/11) I moved out 3/12/11
in my case, it is not. my husband is of the mindset that if i don't want to be with him and i don't communicate, i don't care about him or i'm retaliating. maybe each sitch is unique. i tried LRT but it's too close to my behavior that drove him away. so it's not a 180 for me and that's what he needs from me.
hope my opinion helps.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
in my case, it is not. my husband is of the mindset that if i don't want to be with him and i don't communicate, i don't care about him or i'm retaliating. maybe each sitch is unique. i tried LRT but it's too close to my behavior that drove him away. so it's not a 180 for me and that's what he needs from me.
hope my opinion helps.
In your case. I think I would communicate to him that there is nothing you can do to stop him from being with OW. And that you will not communicate with him about the relationship while there is someone else invested. And move on. If he wants to talk he will.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I don't know. I left when i confirmed my husband's affair, but sometimes i wonder if putting distance between you and the WAS is helpful for the marriage. I understand the need to give space, but is separation really helpful? (just trying to get your opinions)
If someone wants the "space" to actively pursue an affair they will. It is their choice. It is their choice to leave the house. It is their choice to continue with communication with the other person. You did not push them to do this. So do not ever blame yourself for this. That distance you put between you two was to protect yourself so you could get your brain functioning again. Begin to build a safe environment again.
It is all choices. DB teaches us to improve ourselves. So we can be able to work on the marriage with new skills if that time comes.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Wow, I am absolutely grateful for all the responses. Chatterbug, my sons are staying with me; however, my wife has them on her days off from work. I am no longer on active duty, and will no longer deploy. I am going to get out after 14 yrs of service. I have lost friends on multiple deployments and it has obviously taken a toll on my family.
I can say that I have felt a sense of freedom more and more since my wife and her mother have moved into a girlfriend's house. I did want to call W to come home the day after she moved out but I held back and I am glad I was strong enough to stick to my decision.
I have kept my conversations with my W within the subject matter of our three sons. This has not been easy, as my W has tryied to have several conversations that deal with everyday things.
I am already planning on doing something (hobby) I have been doing off and on for the past 7 yrs and will now go at it in full.
My finances are in order, and W has taken responsibility for her debt. She did use a few dollars the other day, but has already put the money back into my account.
At present, I feel better and better about my decision; not because it did not hurt to tell W and her mother to leave but because I truly believe the separation was something that needed to happen in order for there to be a chance at restoring our marriage. I do realize restoring the marriage may not happen but the separation is needed for there to be a new beginning in the future.
