So I am new this forum and do not exactly know where to start. In fact, I am a bit nervous about posting my story. But here goes…
Back in early February my H dropped the bomb that he wanted a divorce. Now I knew things were not the greatest between us. We argued a lot and didn’t see eye to eye and didn’t have much of a romantic life after jobs, kids and other misc. duties but I didn’t think we were to the point of divorce. I just thought we needed to re-group and re-focus on our marriage.
Needless to say I was numb. I told him I didn’t want a divorce. We have a 10yo S and a 4yo D who are our life and I told him we can’t rip apart our family. He told me in no uncertain terms it was over and he had enough. He said all we do is fight, we never laugh we have absolutely nothing in common. We have been married 12 years and together for 14 so to hear these statements was almost laughable.
Of course, I did all the wrong things. I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I bargained, I argued. All was for naught. His mind was made up. He also said he just didn’t have those feelings for me anymore. He said they had been gone a long time and he just couldn’t get them back. I told him we needed to go to counseling and that I would do anything to make it work for the sake of the kids. He said no, we should have gone to counseling years ago and it was too late. Nothing would change.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Hi wishing, so sorry to hear what you're going through. My H said basically the same to me, and for what it's worth, many if not most of us here have heard the same. It's like a script.
For now, know that you have time, more time than you can imagine, and that changes you make will change the dynamic between you without him ever going to counseling.
Recognize that you can't change him and can't change his mind, and work on what you control, which is YOU.
Look for the 37 rules, it's a good place to start. Read DB. Take care of yourself in every way possible. You will be OK.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. My husband dropped his "I love you but I am not in love with you" bomb on me in February too. We're classmates in a way.
I really can't recommend reading Michele's book The Divorce Remedy highly enough to you, especially the section where she talks about spouses falling out of love. It's been such a comfort to me. I still read it weekly, and I was reading it every night!
Find a therapist to talk to, even if your husband won't go with you. It will help. I'm nowhere near fixing my marriage - I just now had my first good weekend since the bomb drop. I have a long, long way to go, and so do you. But take heart. There's a great bunch of folks here to talk to, and they will encourage you to not lose hope.
I am wishing you all the best in this journey none of us ever wanted to take.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
You may want to decode this site a bit more and put things in your signature block like "married 12 years, one son, 10, daughter 4," and ages of all, etc.
Then list the bomb drop day or comment he made, ("Div Bomb & date, how he worded it, etc)
so It will help future posters to recall your situation and go from there.
Also post in small paragraphs b/c they are so much easier to read. So that's my "tech" advice.
MY DB advice is to check out those 37 rules which were assembled by some DBers, including Sandi and are based on the Divorce Busting approach.
Please read the book that forms the basis of this solution based approach. The sequel is better imo, & that's the Divorce Remedy book. Either will help you realize that
what your h SAYS at the moment can change. It will. You'll feel confused & hurt. All you can work on is YOU and you are all you can control. Let go of what you cannot control and life will get better-I promise you.
SIDENOTE***(Solution based approach means instead of rehashing the past or how you got here or who is mostly to blame, or what happened in your childhood OR bashing the spouse, which a lot of marriage counselling can do... you work on what behaviors help your marriage and see which ones hurt it; then you take the simple but radically different approach in therapy and
you do more of what helps the relationship and less or none of what hurts it.)**
You know You are the mother of his children. You always will be. But for you to restore your marriage, He'll have to believe that marriage to you can be better or different
for him to want to return. That means YOU will have to demonstrate change in YOU...
even if "he's the problem"...why? B/c YOU are trying to save the marriage. You are here posting. Your husband is not. So all we can help you with is you.
And you are the only thing you can control here. Learn to back off his words for they can be meaningless. HE'll speak with clarity he does not feel.
Believe nothing he SAYS and only half of what he DOES...and take time to read the materials suggested AND this site will help you a lot.
Also, SEE a Lawyer. It does not require you DO anything but you need information and you can see that as empowering. Knowledge is power.
I found myself reassured by seeing a Lawyer, and less frightened. It made me feel free to choose to remain married rather than forced...make sense?
Plus, and don't freak, chances are your h has given this far more planned out thought than you realize.
Men tend to make more financial plans than women who want out, do.
Arm yourself with information of how to help your marriage AND how to protect your legal/financial interests. And your children's.
You need say nothing to your h about seeing a lawyer. I suggest you stay silent on that until IF and WHEN you receive legal papers yourself.
Even a third of divorces filed in my state, end up not being completed...people reconcile at the last minute or when reality hits them.
But you still have to protect your kids and yourself.
And work on you. What does your husband SAY his concerns are with YOUR behavior?
Are any of those claims at all valid? If so, work on them. Without telling him, Show him YOU are awakening...changing &
that you are becoming a woman only a fool would leave.
And keep us posted! The more you post the faster your words show up here and the sooner you'll be taken off moderation.
Which means you'll get replies faster too. Hang in there and do not give up!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi wishing, you are not alone. Many, many of us here have heard the exact or similar words from our spouses. And most of us felt the way that you do: scared, hopeless, despairing. The first thing to remember is that it absolutely DOES get better. No matter how your situation progresses, you will begin to gain control over your life again and that utterly paniced feeling will subside. The methods on this site and in Michelle's book help you get to that point faster, with more grace, and with a greater chance of reconciling with your spouse.
You know by now that all the begging, pleading, and crying are not working. In fact they are making things worse. Stop immediately. You may backslide from time to time, but pick yourself up each time and re-read Sandi's 37 rules that Rick quoted above. Believe me, you will feel better as soon as you start employing these principles because they bring you the peace of being in charge of your life and actions.
Listen to 25yearsmlc. I love this part of her post, "It made me feel free to choose to remain married rather than forced...make sense? Your husband is not the only one on a journey here. You are, too. You don't want to remain married to him no matter what. You want a healthy, honest relationship where you both choose each other freely. The things your H is saying now will seem harsh, but try not to take them to heart. He is most likely saying them to solidify a painful decision that he thinks he cannot change. He doesn't want to show any weakness or uncertainty. But what he has are feelings, and feelings can change.
What you must do now is to change yourself. You are the ONLY person you can change right now, and that is a very powerful thing. Good luck and keep posting.
Mimi
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Thank you all. I have been "stalking" this site for a few weeks now, too scared to post anything. But I am glad I did. So I have reviewed the 37 rules and I have the Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy Books as well. I have met with a lawyer as well and I know where I stand.
On February 29 he filed for divorce. This past Saturday, March 18 I was served. I was just devastated. Since the bomb I have found hidden charges on the credit cards for flowers, restaurants, gas purchases in areas miles from where we live. He has started using Rogaine, coloring his hair and wearing different style clothes. I even saw charges back in November where he started registering for online dating sites.
Well, since I got served papers yesterday H and I had a long discussion last night. I didn't bring up the credit card or anything. I cracked the surface and I saw my H that I haven't seen in months, maybe even years. He cried. I have never, ever seen him cry.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
On February 29 he filed for divorce. This past Saturday, March 18 I was served. I was just devastated. Since the bomb I have found hidden charges on the credit cards for flowers, restaurants, gas purchases in areas miles from where we live. He has started using Rogaine, coloring his hair and wearing different style clothes. I even saw charges back in November where he started registering for online dating sites.
Well, since I got served papers yesterday H and I had a long discussion last night. I didn't bring up the credit card or anything. I cracked the surface and I saw my H that I haven't seen in months, maybe even years. He cried. I have never, ever seen him cry.
Basically he told me he has no intention of leaving me hanging financially and made a pretty good offer of giving me $20,000 a year in child support, keeping the kids on his insurance and working out a schedule so we could both be in the kids lives every day plus paying for whatever I should need for the kids like sports, doctor bills, etc. He wants to make sure I will be okay on my own. He also said he doesn't want this to be at all like what it was when he was divorced from his first wife. He told me I don't hate you and I never ever want you to hate me. I asked him how I was supposed to believe him after all this? I said you don't talk to me, you don't want to be in the same room as me and you can't even look at me. And you say you don't hate me. He said nothing could be farther from the truth and he cares about me deeply. And he started to cry. He told me he doesn't know how else to act around me so he puts on the façade. He told me that this past year has been just such an emotional nightmare for him that he just couldn't deal anymore so he just snapped and now he just feels nothing. He is just dead inside. I told him that I knew the past year had been difficult. I told him I knew he was gonna snap. I told him I tried to help him. I asked him to talk. I asked to help and he just pushed, no shoved me away. I said I have been with you and sacrificed everything for you and this family and after 14 years of you being my best friend you pushed me away when I was just trying to help. I told him I can't change how you feel and I can't alter your decisions but I don't think it's fair that 4 people are affected by the decision of one, especially when two are children. And I also told him that I don't think divorce is the solution. I think it will only cause more problems. And I also told him that no matter what happens with us that he needs to talk to someone and quit pretending everything is okay in his mind. He needs to stop pushing people away and get help.
Brought over from your other thread, try to keep posting here until you get to 100 posts.
You are getting some good advice.
It will get better.
Read over those 37 rules.
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
DIVORCE = SPACE
Give it to him because he is going to take the space one way or another.
I am so sorry you are in this situation! It still amazes me how many people have the same type of situation occurring every day. I, too, was told by my H that he wants out, has no feelings for me, and that he just wants to start his whole life over. He just walked away from everything and I, too, have been trying to "help" my husband this past year figure out what is going to make him happy in life, but I guess in return that pushed him away.
The only thing you can do right now is be the best person you know. My DB coach told me that I need to be the person he fell in love with because that is the true me and throughout the years of our marriage, life and other things have gotten in the way of the two of us being truly happy.
We separated a month ago and went on our first 'date' yesterday. It was okay...could have been worse, but could have been better. So, things can get better....keep your head up and keep posting!
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
