I've been able to resist for a little over a week now, but I'm a "fixer" and keep wanting to fix things. I have given more thought to what went wrong in my marriage. I think I expressed more what I wanted/needed to wife. I have to think harder about things I did wrong. She has asked me a couple times in past to convert miniDV tapes of the kids to DVD which (I did in the past), there are about 5 I didn't do. Do I do them now. Is that a good thing or a gift/perusing activity? I'd have to mail them off (about $10/tape) to get them done. The only other things she really ever complained about was I did not do my share of (inside) housework and kids bedtime, and I have been doing that for a month or so now and she doesn't seem to care.
Things are still pretty settled. I still want to give things more time. Any thoughts if I should meet with her attorney this week, or try to push things back. I want to keep the peace. I took her attorney almost 4-5 weeks to call me to schedule an appointment. If I do go, I'm expecting to basically listen.... to waste time and not accomplish anything. I'm thinking to push to the next week (if he calls me back), then not be co-operative then either. Suggestions? I've been completely willing to help settle things for almost two months months now, so it would (I guess) be a 180 to not meet or try to settle.
I kind of fell off the wagon today. Found out wife took today off to look for apartments. I thought we had a good week or two. I started talking about relationship and fixing things. She is as good as gone and we are not going to agree on custody and I'm sure fight for kids. I'm more pessimistic now, I have a hard time seeing how we can realistically reconcile while fighting over assets and kids.
I know you didn't really think she'd take you back if you copied the MiniDV tapes, so I won't even go there.
There is nothing you can do to control her, convince her, or change her.
Keep focusing on YOU. Keep working on GAL activities, keep working on your 180's, keep working on "acting as if".
Get your own lawyer and protect yourself, don't work with her lawyer directly. If she is committed to divorce, it will happen, and you cannot change that.
That does not rule out reconciliation. Things might get worse before they get better, but it's not over until you decide to walk away. All that matters in the end is what changes you can make, how you feel about yourself, and what you decide to do with regard to wanting to reconcile.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks, I think I'm just freaking out. One of the rules is "no gifts", her birthday is next week, do I get her anything? Or just something VERY modest?
OK, I think its over and not sure I want her back at this point.
We talked more, I know I get nothing but lies from her and back talking to friends/relatives. I don't think I would ever trust her again at this point. She is showing more anger now, I think she is trying to get off some meds. The backstory on "why she doesn't love me" is expanding more. She said I was not a good father for 8 years... but I have been for last 6 months, and she resents that. Before any piling on, I'm not sure if I did 50/50 work the entire time, but I have been majorly involved. I know I have done picking up from daycare and school, and feeding, and generally watching in afternoons and early evenings a lot more. She has done more of nighttime routine and stuff like birthday parties, play days on weekends.
Hiring a lawyer, I may take 50/50 custody if she offers it. I no longer trust her with kids completely so not even sure if I should settle for that. If she wants me in future I may just consider it at the time.
Help in thread has been awesome. Thanks everyone so much. I will leave door open if possible and just see where this goes.
Just to let you know that this is perfectly normal behavior for the WAS. They'll go through a period of anger and blame their spouse for everything. They don't want to take any responsibility for their role.
"I no longer trust her with kids completely"
Why do you think this? Careful with the way you phrase this. It makes it sound like she's going to hurt the kids intentionally in some way.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
My W has also noticed my changes, but is also quick to tell me that it will only last two months. Well we are on month two and I continue to do more with the kids and stuff around the house. Doing things for me and the kids is so much more fulfilling than in the past when I made "changes" only to keep W to stay. Just y two cents.
I know. I think I've accepted my wife is not the person I thought she was. I wanted to understand "what she is thinking", "why she would want this" but I think I've accepted that I never will. She is insisting on decided custody, ED, etc legally right now, is not just trying a split. I have business interests, lots of debt, premarital assets so split will not be easy. I know the divorce is going to suck for the kids but I've done everything I can to save it. Wife is going to be gone soon, I assume there will be a quick court case for temporary custody which will set schedule.
I think she knows I'm good guy, I have not let myself go, etc. It appears to be about her having to do about 65% of child raising in the past, so her solution to make is better is to try to full custody. She stopped taking ambiem and is moody.. mad all the time now. She should not be taking it when she during her custody time with the kids, and she have to get up earlier than she ever does, and get off work a hour sooner... and actually feed and play with the kids in the evenings. Kind of concerned how she will handle it. She took the kids away one night last weekend and they cryed because they wanted to be at home with me... stuff like that is really putting a lot of pressure on her. She looks exhausted all the time now.
Just wanted to follow up. I am not actively trying to do anything to get her back. I've stepped up working out but that is really just for me. She moved out a little over a week ago. She changes her mind about custody every couple days. Last week she said two oldest kids would stay with me and youngest would split time between us. She told the kids last night we were doing a 2 day rotation will all of them (which she has not discussed with me but I guess I should be happy with 50%). She fired her attorney apparently. Still very moody. I took off easter week and took all three kids on a vacation, we had a lot of fun... but that appears to really upset her.
