Hello everybody. First of all, sorry for my english, I'm not mother tongue. I really need to share my story with you to get the hope and strenght I need to save my marriage. I met Andrew at university. We were 20 years old. A wonderful friendship that transformed into THE relationship for both of us. We spent 15 years togheter: we lived together for four years and got married three years ago. After the marriage, a series of unlucky events - financial problems, we buy a house that has a legal action on, without knowing it, he starts working 24 hours a day and has a lot of responsibilities - bring a lot of stress on us. Last march (2011) I get pregnant, but after one month and a half I have a miscarriage. Since then, I go into a light depression and everything changes and really quickly. By the end of May, my husband begins having a strange attitude: he is distant, he suddenly talks about having a high colesterol, about being too fat and old...when I insist to know what's happening he goes like: "I don't know. I dont'recognise myself, i don't know what I want from the future, for myself, for us". Two weeks later he moves out and goes back to his parents house. Stops asnwering to the phone and to the emails of our beloved friends. Isolate himself from everything. The last eight months had been a rollercoaster of emotions and behaviours. He is a stubborn Aquarius who never changes his mind, but he accepted to see a therapist individually (refused to see a marriage counselor), as I am doing since december. Mixed signals, wonderful days out together, a lot of "I still love you but I don't feel the same feelings as before". Long telephone calls, everyday financial support, but no intention of fixing the marriage. Up to february the 17th, 2012. He asks me out for a drink and tell me he wants to file separation papers. He says he MUST do that in order to find a new way to love me. He adds, criyng, that he's having a nervous breakdown, has a lot of things still to talk abouth with the therapist and is available to evaluate any option for the future in order to reinvent our relationship. Because he can't live with the idea of not having me around. He says I'm unique, I'm the most beautiful woman he has met (actually, I'm the only - maybe that counts now that he's 36? maybe he's just curious about the WHAT IF option?) and that he's glad that in Italy we have three years before filing for divorce, because he wants to think deeply about what he is doing. Yesterday the paper from his lawier arrived. Nothing more than the things you usually read on those stupid papers. Since we have no children, it's only a matter of economic sustainmemt. But apart from this: please, tell me I'm not crazy because I feel in my heart it's not over. Because I can't hate him (as everybody else in the world think I should). Because I see him as a man who is suffering (there's no other woman, if you are wondering) and has lost the track of himself. Because I ordered on amazon Michele's book and I'm reading it carefully, instead of "moving on and forget that a--hole" as everybody, again, suggests). I know we are meant to be together. I promised in front of God I would have done everything to save my marriage and I intend to maintain that promise. But I'd really need to hear from you that I can find the force to do it. Sometimes it all seems so unfair that I just want to cry and feel miserable. Thanks to all. Hugs, Val
Your English is just fine please hit carriage return when you post so it is easier to read.
He is asking for SPACE, give it to him. Get out and GAL. DETACH. Believe none of what he say and half of what he does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
It sounds like your husband might be in a mid life crisis - give him the space he is asking you for. Use the space to take wonderful care of yourself - only concern yourself with you and what you need. Post often here - buy some books - Melodie Beattie is good for me - she has daily meditations on Letting Go. Try to make yourself as busy as you can, sleep well, eat well. Time can heal many things and it seems that you had some big challenges early on - It is good that he is going to a therapist - get help for you too - it's important to talk to people who listen. keep posting
Cadet and Mary...reading your answers was the best way to begin another day. I really mean to follow your precious advices, even because within all this confusion what is clear to me is that I MUST find myself again. During this 15 years with him I basically put aside my desideres in order to fulfill his needs. It was not hard for me, it was a pleasure for me and I've never felt any obligation, but now that I'm suddenly alone, I understand that the only thing I can do is find out who I am and what I want. The hardest part is coping with "not taking personally" what the lawyer writes in the financial mediation (as my therapist suggests). Things like "my client doesn't want to give any support to his wife, she has chosen during the years to work as a freelance, she's young and smart so she can find a more stable job", etc...same stuff everybody has read on those legal papers. But it hurts when you read it and it's easy to think "how can he do that to me? He was happy I had a part time job. He kept on telling me "if you want, you can stay at home and just take care of the house, I'll think about the rest" and try to remember that it's not HIM telling mean things to me, it's just a part of a biggest "legal strategy". And then: a HUGE DILEMMA. Three years ago, without leaving my job, I went back to University to study Irish Literature. My H was very happy and proud of me. The problem is that March, Friday the 16th...it's graduation day and I'll present my PHD Dissertation in front of the Faculty Board. Should I tell him, in this delicate moment, about this important day? I do not expect obviously for him to come, but I don't know...I just don't feel completely at ease if I don't tell him anything. But then...as he's in deep crisis...what if he thinks "oh, she just wants to make feel bad because I won't be there"? OMG, it'so hard. I look forward to hear your opinions
Hi Irish your English is excellent, better than mine. I don't know about the dissertation. I guess if you talk to him you can tell him but have no expectations. I will post the 37 rules for you to read. Post as often as possible so people can get to know you. This is hard work we are all here for each other. There is something called get a life GAL which means to do things that you like to keep your mind of the situation.
What is your native language?
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Hello irishprincess and welcome. Your English is pretty good. I think you're getting your point across just fine. I'm going throw a WAW (check out the abbreviation post in the newcomers forum) right now (though she hasn't left...yet...I highly suspect she is looking for an apartment with her Mom) so I have an idea of the anxiety that you r going through (as most of us do in this forum). Please follow the rules that Rick1963 has posted. These rules are extremely challenging to apply especially #37 "Do not backslide from your hard earned changes." For example this morning my wife was having a panic attack because we were having service issues with our utility provider. So I gave her a big hug and told her she will be fine and that we all love her (I have 2 precious little D's). This was a blatant violation of rule #11...so...I may have just damaged the progress I was making. Good luck and don't despair we are all here for each other!
Hi Rick, thanks a lot for posting the 37 rules...they seem hard to follow, but also challenging. They are the perfect set of goals to achieve. In this difficult moment it really helps me having something to focus on, something like a "discipline" to respect. I'm italian, but unfortunately you won't find any forum like this in italian, that's why I was glad when I found it, it's great to know I'm not alone. And to Horsewnoname...I perfectly understand how you feel and why you gave your W that hug. I can't help thinking that everything could be fine if we just let ourselves step back a little, look into each other's eyes and use those little funny names
Hi Rick, thanks a lot for posting the 37 rules...they seem hard to follow, but also challenging. They are the perfect set of goals to achieve. In this difficult moment it really helps me having something to focus on, something like a "discipline" to respect. I'm italian, but unfortunately you won't find any forum like this in italian, that's why I was glad when I found it, it's great to know I'm not alone. And to Horsewnoname...I perfectly understand how you feel and why you gave your W that hug. I can't help thinking that everything could be fine if we just let ourselves step back a little, look into each other's eyes and use those little funny names...but reality is different at the moment. We have to keep having faith. That'all we have. Hugs
Hello everybody, sorry for not posting for a few days. With the dissertation to present, I was in a mess. But at least, I didn't think too much about my situation. Some updates. I called my H to inform him I was presenting my dissertation. He was surprised and kindly whished me good luck. I was happy. Then he sent me a text message at the end of the day, asking me how it went and congratulating with me when I texted him I got the higher mark. Then, as I was feeling really uncomfortable with the attitude our lawyers were having, discussing financial matters, I asked him if we could go out for a coffee, in order to clarify few things within ourselves. Basicly, what I needed to do was understanding if he was just a liar or what, as he promised me to sustain me and then his lawyer denied he intended to do anything to support. He was very nervous when he arrived. He began by asking me questions about how I was, about family and friends, but all my attention was focused on the fact that, for the first time, he was not wearing the wedding ring. I know it sounds stupid and that is obvious that when a man files for legal separation...he probably doesn't want to wear the wedding ring anymore...but I was devastated. Anyway, we began to talk about the issue. He said he was not lying, he just wanted to reach a fair financial accord. And I believed him, once again. Then I tried to practise the GAL approach. When he asked me how I was and was I living, I told him I was going out with our Harley-Davidson Chapter (the one he cut any contact with, as soon as he entered his crisis) and that I've booked a few weekends away with them in April and July. He seemed shocked. He asked me who was I riding with, who was bringing me on his motorbike. I named few friends, thinking "why do you care? Why do you ask? Why don't you simply realize that I've travelled the world with you on our HD and that's just a way for me to survive?". And then, in the end, I made a mistake. I told him that he felt like, he could have joined us for a ride. He answered there was no problem with me, but with the other friends he was too embarassed to come. I shouldn't have talked about the future and involving him with friends. Anyway, I intend to follow Michele's advice: small steps. But I feel so lonely.
