He wants a divorce, I don't

[unimaginable]

There is alot to comment about but I don't have time to comment on everything so I'll just say what little I can right now.

First off, I wasn't "holding out" on sex. I wasn't doing it to punish him. I just didn't feel loved to give him what he desired. I desired closeness...emotional connection...I even told him how I was feeling but he discounted my feelings and said that I shouldn't feel like that and ignored what I was trying to convey. I don't think that was being very fair or open minded to my needs. Yes, I did try and we had a few intimate times together, but it really only felt like I was just giving him sex and I wasn't getting the affection. Am I supposed to just keep giving in and not have the emotional connection that I desire?

And when he said that I would just throw it in his face IF he were to change his mind, my answer to him was that I wouldn't do that. There was a time long before we got married that he wasn't sure about being with me because of his previous divorce. I was asked to give him space and stay at a friend's house. I did. After a few days he asked me to return and we made up, but I NEVER held that over him or made him feel guilty about it. We just moved on. I reminded him of that time when we were talking and I reiterated the fact that I have never brought it up. And I would never do that. I told him I could understand how he was feeling. But again, he doesn't want to talk about the problems and he is just waiting for me to change. Yes, he brought it up a couple of months ago and yes, I tried to change for him..for us..but I wasn't getting any change from him. It felt all very one sided and that's when it slipped back into the way it was.

I have other comments to reply to but I need to get myself together before he comes home. I did retain a lawyer today to protect myself. I understand that it takes 6-7 months before the D actually would go thru so hopefully we can try to reconcile or move on, but either way, I've heard what you said and I've taken action in regards to it.

Will the marriage ever get back together..I don't know. I hope so. But right now, I am protecting myself and trying to stay strong. I will address the other comments when I can.

[unimaginable]

So, I retained the lawyer today, to protect myself. It was painful as hell but I can't afford to "bury my head in the sand". This is killing me and who knows...maybe down the road it willget better. But right now, since he won't talk to me at all, I HAVE to do this the legal way.

He has taken off the ring and won't discuss anything with me so I need to move forward since that is what he is doing. I still don't plan on giving up. If anything I need to work on me and maybe, one day, he will see what he is missing out on.

I told him about retaining the lawyer and he got really pissed and started calling me stupid [censored] and [censored] and lashing out that all I'm doing is creating more debt when he can just file the paperwork thru a paralegal and we can have everything split down the middle. What he doesn't know is my mother paid for it.

In any case, he wanted me to fire the lawyer and deal with his people but since he won't discuss anything with me, I have to do what's right for me..and doing it thru a lawyer, I believe, is the right way. It still kills me inside though.

I will deeply think about having a Plan A and B. Ultimately, I do want us to be together and by changing the way I am, I am trying to be a better person. Hopefully things will get better. If for anything else, for my sanity and emotional well being.

[Rick1963]

UN you are not listening. Tell him nothing u did not have to. It is good that u retained a L but it is not good that u told him. If u want to save the M u better pay attention to what people are posting to u. Go back to older post and read them over and over. Right now u are ur worst enemy. Calm down. Please know that we are behind u even if u don't like what we have to say ok.

[MrBond]

I agree with everyone else.

"I know I had a part to play in it but he does too."

It takes one person to change the dynamic. You can't expect him to love you in the way you want to any more than he can expect you to do the same for him. Right now he sees you as selfish and you see him as selfish. There's a lesson there.

[jks]

You are getting THE BEST advice... take it!! Take it!!

And you're so lucky because you're getting it early on in your situation. Just remember, if you're feeling like you need to say something to H, I would post it here first and ask for advice of whether or not to do it. Or how to say it. I have learned this the hard way.

It's amazing because reading your situation and the advice given here has given me such a great perspective. My H is openly having a PA and has fallen in love with OW. He is now moving right along to D. Funny thing is... that I'm realizing now is I have not been able to consistently show him my changes. This is HUGE!! From now on, no more. I am going to rise above. And that's what you need to do. Do not take this as you are right and he is wrong. Take it as you just want to be better for YOU.

The best advice you will hear is... Believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see. It is so true. Do you know how many times my H changed his mind? One day he was saying, I want a D and I'm sure of it. The next he was saying, all I want is my family back and I miss you. Even though your H says these things, he most definitely can be torn inside as to whether or not this is what he really wants.

He may seem absolutely sure but I'm telling you, it can change. So go with that. Knowing that it can change and that you're going to focus on you and what will make you feel better about yourself. If that means getting a job, then continue to pursue that.

You can do this!! Keep posting.