Hello everyone. This might be a little long winded, but I appreciate any feedback and advise you can give me.
while I had many girlfriends prior to my w it was my w who I ever felt real love for. The day I met her she took my breath away. Interesting enough a good friend of mine warned me to stay away from her. I played the old game of not being interested just be friends with my wife for several months while she chased me. One reason is I have relationship issues from my upbringing and failed relationships with woman prior to becoming involved with her. When I finally gave into my wife I never felt so secure with anyone before. Though, I think subconsciousness my past unresolved issues is what led me to where I am at now.
My W and I have been married for 15 years and have two kids; D and S. Our marriage started rocky. While I wanted to marry my wife the day I decided to commit myself to her in the relationship I think she felt forced due our d being conceived. On top of this we were very poor money wise and we lived in a very poor part of town. Complicate it even worse w was sick the whole time of her pregnancy and could not work. This put a lot of pressure on a new family starting. That pressure also drove me to do two things; rapidly grow in my career requiring self study and long hours of work and determination and constantly worry about money.
Due to the stress of starting a new family and my failed relationships with girlfriends and family I would get upset easily. Add to the fact my wife is very strong minded person and doesn't back away from a fight we argued a lot. Though I didn't really know it at the time when I argued I would get louder. I didn't think I was yelling, though recently she has pointed out that I was yelling and it damaged our relationship.
As my career took off and we become financially sound our fights decreased. Our second child came 5 years later in the marriage and I thought everything was going well. My w did show times of depression, but I never really paid the attention I should have. I wrote it off as being depressed staying home with the kids all day. Eventually she came to me and asked to go to school and I was excited about it. However, prior to being accepted into nursing school she asked for a divorce. I was devastated and pleaded that we work on it. Shortly after she asked for a divorce she was accepted in nursing school and she asked if we could stay together while she attends school which I agreed was a good idea.
All through nursing school I took over most of the chores and care of the kids so she could focus 100% on her schooling. Around this time I also found religion and became saved. This changed me greatly. I no longer argued with her and learned great patience when she was upset. I also found it very rewarding to take care of my family; cooking, cleaning, care of the kids, even care of my wife. I also stopped complaining on what she wasn't doing.
After nursing school our relationship was on an upswing. I was promoted to manager and she was a nurse. We moved to a much larger house in a better community. Everything I felt was bliss until 2009 when she asked for a divorce again. This time she gave me more reasoning. She said she thought I deserve better and that she doesn't love me like a wife should love a husband. Two weeks after she said this she moved out.
During the separation I played it cool. I didn't push on her. I didn't beg. I went to counseling where I learned even more things that i was doing wrong and started working on changing those negatives. Meanwhile she had two major breakdowns and eventually requiring hospitalization. After coming out of the hospital she was on medication and living with her mother she was "forced" to take them. While on medication I noticed changes in her and things appeared to get better. We were laughing. I went on a trip to Vegas and while on Vegas she asked to come back.
When she came back she asked for two things; improved sexual relationship and outings together. I asked for counseling. I took her to Vegas and we had a great time and I tried to improve our sexual relationship, but it was hit and miss.
Now to current. The past three years since she has been back has been a constant roller coaster ride with ups and downs; more downs then ups. Last year we had the best two months of our marriage because she wanted to have a baby. Sadly, I went on a business trip and when I came back things changed again. she said I didn't call her and said I wasn't trusting. Asked for a divorce or an open marriage. Over the past 10 months its been a constant hell. She has been very rude and mean spirited at times. She has made it known to me she doesn't think our marriage is a marriage. She doesn't love me romantically; though loves me like a "brother". She thinks its okay that we live as Husband and wife, but not have relations. When i pry to what had happen she brings up the first 5 years of our marriage when I used to yell and she says she can't forgive me for verbally abusing her. Now, I know I used to yell and I take irresponsibility for raising my voice. I even grabbed her once after she hit me. One thing I have never done was say mean spirited words and call her names. With that said, she acknowledges that I am a changed person and even says she feels sad at times that she doesn't love me as a wife should love a husband. She says I am a good father and provider. She says that she can't trust me to allow her heart to love me. She told her friend that she has to turn off all emotions in order to not love me.
Obviously this is tearing me a part. I also did all the wrong things the book advises not to do. I bought her huge valentine days gifts this past Valentines day. When she was cold to the gifts I broke down (3 years of emotions bottled up) and cried and pleaded with her. One of our mutual friends has called me at times to consult me and I have confided in her how much I love my wife and want to do anything to save our marriage. Another no no. Her Friends and family all think she is making a big mistake as they have seen over the past 11 years how much I have changed and they all like me. This has made her even more angry and accusations of me trying to control her using friends and family. Not true by the way. I never talk to her friends and family except the one and even then I don't go into all the negatives. Just reinforce that I am deeply sorry for hurting her and want to do anything to gain her trust again.
What am I doing. I am trying to play it cool, but lately I can't act myself around her. We are both going to the gym and while I always think my wife is beautiful independent on her weight she is looking even more attractive now causing me to be jealous of other men (which is not a characteristic I ever had) and urge to hold her. I have lost 75lb and on target to my goal of ideal weight by summer. I am doing this for myself, but would be lying if I didn't say it wasn't to try to gain her attraction. I am also going to counseling.
Since Valentines day she has been more cold than ever. I fear I made such a huge mistake with the gifts and becoming weak by crying that there is possibly no saving it. I have had thoughts of running away. Has anyone been in the situation that your wife is so depressed that you are the cause for all the problems and is holding on to a problem that happen 10 years ago preventing her to show any emotions to you?
Has anyone been in the situation that your wife is so depressed that you are the cause for all the problems and is holding on to a problem that happen 10 years ago preventing her to show any emotions to you?
Welcome to the board.
Get the DR book and read it.
So you are the cause of your wife's depression. You REALLY believe that? Is that the same as when an alcholic drinks it is the sober mates fault? Or an abusive person blames the person they are hitting. Your fault is that you are an enabler.
Foregive yourself for this and LET GO.
You need to learn about Detachment You need to give her SPACE And not beg, plead or pursue Get out and GAL. But remain true to your marriage vows. Be the BEST DAD that you can BE. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
When I read as a first liner that " I had many girl friends before W" says alot about you. Correct me if am wrong but how is your self esteem? Yes women don't like a crying man. Be strong confident but not controlling. Post often and read others stories.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
It is more like 12 years ago. When we argued I would get louder as the argument became more heated. I also grabbed her once after she hit me. I was furious and felt like hitting her back.I told her to move, but she wouldn't move and I told her I felt like hitting her and she threaten to get her father to come "beat me up". This resulted in me gabbing her, yelling at the top of my lungs, and pushing her out of the way. She brings this up regularly as reason for the failed marriage. She says she can't get over that day. This is preventing her to "trust me" to love me despite acknowledging that I am far from being that person today. I am a big softy. Actually, a push over (answer to the self esteem Q as well).
Cadet, Your spot on. I am enabler. My counselor said the same thing.I read DR this past weekend.
The other poster. Actually, yes I do have a low self esteem. Interesting enough I come across as very confident and often accused by her as being conceded.
I do feel somewhat responsible for her depression, but I am not convinced that my actions 11 to 12 years ago are completely the sole reason for our failures. I do accept as the book indicated 40 to 50% of the failure. I even realize I am an enabler and failed in intimacy and communication.
I am somewhat going dark. She wants a roommate and I am acting like one.
Been getting the band back together Past three weekends spent time in my friends studio laying down bass tracks.
Interesting last night I did break a few rules. I know DB sinner LOL. We were talking and she asked me to buy something that I can't afford at the moment then tried to guilt me into buying it. With few words she basically called me heartless and malice. I got very upset and instead of fighting with her I got up and went for a drive. This really ticked her off and after about an hour of me being gone she told me I was a jerk and being unattractive. I called her back and explained to her in a very calm voice that she was hurting my feelings and that I didn't want to fight and felt it was better that I leave and allow my emotions to settle down.
We actually had somewhat of a productive conversation. She told me she doesn't trust me. I pressed for reasons and she really couldn't explain it, but did bring up other issues over the marriage where she felt I was taking her for granted. I agreed to all of it and expressed that I was deeply sorry for hurting her and that I never intended to hurt her. I also told her that I realized several key things that I failed at in our marriage and informed her that I feel personally responsible for our marriage failure and is why I am depressed. Though, I clarified my position more like 60/40 my responsibility. I kept the conversation focused on me as I really want to know my failure and if it can be corrected.
I also explained to her that i was brought up in an abused home and that I didn't have good role model to model myself after. I told her I realized that in 2009 when she left the first time. I asked her if she noticed that i changed and she said yes. I told her good that I am still work in progress and that I regret daily losing her and that I want to fix myself to not ruin other important relationships in my life such as our kids.
I told her that if we stay or divorce that I need her to forgive me and trust me again. I said I am willing to do what it takes to earn it. We can't parent our kids or even be friends if there is no trust and forgiveness is what is dividing us.
Day to day I say, but not optimistic. She doesn't want a divorce, but I don't want a roommate.
