I am still new to the community so I apologize if I am not supposed to create a thread.
My husband told me in September that he feels that we should go our separate ways. I am still unclear as to the actual reason, but the death of his aunt sent him on a journey of finding himself and making major changes in his life. I guess I was one of them.
Before I knew what to do with this info ( I hadn't joined the group yet) I begged and pleaded for him to stay or badgered him about what the real reasons were. I don't think he knows. He has told me before that he was clinically depressed and I also think that he is going through a mid-life crisis (he is 45). He doesn't seem interested in much of anything and he has let himself go.
He didn't make any moves over the holidays, but on New Years Even he turned to me and said, I plan to file soon, I need to get this over with. He constantly says that this is something that he does not want to do but he feels that he has to (not sure what that means). I did less begging and pleading and really try to reason with him to no avail.
Fast forward to the end of January, he is off on a business trip and before he comes back to town he calls me and says that he is staying with one of his buddies and his wife and he plans to file the next day. I was devastated. I resorting to pleading again but that quickly turned to anger. I don't get it. What happened? He didn't file the next day, I asked him to go to counseling and he said if I could set something up before he files he would go. I set something up immediately and we went to a Christian Counselor who is also a minister. He was pretty much told that while his feelings may be legitimate (if not unclear) but how he was going about getting the issues addressed are wrong. He sat there and appeared to be taking it all in, agreeing with the minister (who told him that he needs to come back to our home) he didn't.
Fast forward to today. I got a solicitation letter from a lawyer stating that I may not have been served yet but a divorce filing was filed on February 10, 2012. I was devastated. I honestly feel like I don't know what happened. Is it too late for my marriage? I would like to contest it but I don't know how that will make me look. I just feel like I don't have a say at all in how this is going down and I feel like I deserve at least that.
Can you guys give me some insight/advice to help me cope?
Me- 43 H- 45 Married - 3 yrs Together (off and on) 9 yrs No kids Bomb- 9/2011 Separated - 2/1/12 Filed for Divorce - 2/10/12
Welcome to the best place for the worst situation. I can imagine how desperate you feel right now- having received the notice. There are several people on here who are currently in the same position: Rick1963 and MadeToSucceed come to mind first, BUT there are a ton of us in various stages... and as Michelle says: It's never too late to save your marriage.
The following list is credited to Sandi2- another wise elder on these boards, who successfully reconciled her M with DB efforts. Most of us have copied this list and refer to it OFTEN... especially when we are at our lowest. Find a seat and make sure your safety bar is tight a secure, this roller coaster gets pretty rough and is going to last a while
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Thanks for the information. It is very helpful. Many of these things don't apply since he has not come home since he got back from the business trip. His things are still here though, which also makes it hard not to go into his closet and smell his clothes.
I have been praying to God for strength and guidance and to soften my husband's heart and restore our marriage. That is all I have the strength to do at this point.
Me- 43 H- 45 Married - 3 yrs Together (off and on) 9 yrs No kids Bomb- 9/2011 Separated - 2/1/12 Filed for Divorce - 2/10/12
Onthe verge Purg is correct. I'm in the same boat. First you must consult. L and don't tell H. Secondly u must work on You. What does that mean? Well exercise, look good always , get a life (gAL) . Get a new hair style, talk to people try a new hobby. I know how hard that is to do when you are feeling dizzy and in so much pain. Purg posted the rules follow them. Post here to vent and to get guidance. This takes time. Think about other complaints your H has talked about.
You will learn in time that focusing on his flaws won't help you. You will get support from some bright and wonderful peoPle in here. My W saw a L in July and don't go to court until May. So you also may have time. Leave this up to God.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
