3 years with H..in beginning he had ex girlfriends calling all the time and was quick to try to make me go with him to do them favors..then started hiding calls..as I got angry about it..once made me get out of bed at two in morning to go with him to pick up drunk/high ex who said she was stranded..but when she saw me..and realized we weren't all going to party..asked to be taken right back to where she was..he was not cheating but would not sever ties..it drove me crazy, he started lying about contact and I became completely mistrusting...he was using and I was drinking..I am now in recovery..he is too as far as I know ..but he left three months ago and moved into a house with a guy pal and his daughters this guy was separated from his woman..but then she moved back in and is a bisexual swinger..her man left to go fishing (h's first buddy roommate) so now h is living with his buddies daughters and swinger bisexual wife...he has had some contact with me...but refuses to say if he is dating or not..will not say he no longer loves me...just says he doesn't know what he wants..or gets mad and says he is done..shuts me out and withdraws..I pursue...a few days ago he had some chick with him at my place of work and I saw them and lost it...I got irate..he texted holy crap it's not like I was on a date or nothin...but I was a mess..people at work were saying things to me..I cried..got angry and had to leave work early...the next day as I went into work swinger roommate is being paged to customer service..it was too coincidental..I felt violated and angry and hurt...I went off on him badly ..repeated calls, texts gmails..angry angry..threatened to cost him his job if he did not stop messing with me at mine..etc etc...It was horrible...
then, my AA kicked in and I stopped..told him it was alcoholic behavior and I was sorry.but then..he started yelling like a crazy person over the phone at me that he was not screwing with me at my job...but I would not let him finish..I interrupted and said that I just wanted him to know it was ok..I wouldn't retaliate and that he could do what he wanted he started screaming at me again and hung up without making any sense...
I calmed down tried to call, left voicemail which he deleted without listening to..i had a read report attached..so I know..I got crazed..left apologies, called repeatedly he ignored me ignored me ignored me...then shut phone off...I gmailed him this apology..
Subject MY APOLOGY..NO BLAME TO YOU
I am sorry. Truly sorry. Sobriety is good and I am happy a lot of the time, but I am also sad a lot of the time and hurting and very angry and lonely at times and just completely emotional. I can't just numb my feelings with booze or make myself so drunk that I am super pissed at the world or you for...MY OWN PROBLEMS. I do wish that I had done so many things differently. I do wish I wasn't always afraid that other women, drugs and partying were more important to you than me. It was my low self esteem. I wasn't jealous of those women, Jimmy, I was afraid. That is the absolute truth. I was afraid that living without partying would bore you and you would cheat on me when partying without me or you would just leave me to party. So, I pushed you away. I didn't do it conciously..I did it subconciously..my fear of losing you caused me to behave irrationally and I pushed you away.
Always thinking I was right, always thinking the worst, and never believing much of what you said....and I know that hurt you a lot..and I am sorry...I don't even know how much it must have hurt..
I do know how sorry I am and if it compares to that, it must have been awful.
I am sorry I lashed out at you trying to hurt you when I felt hurt. I should have been able to tell you...that hurt my feelings ..instead of saying something mean or doing something mean to you...
Hindsight is 20/20 and God knows, my eyes are just barely beginning to see...a little more each day.
About The thing with the chick in Walmart...I was raw emotionally because you wouldn't respond to my gmail about seeing other people and just telling one another the truth..then I heard you were in store with some chick...and saw you..and it hurt ...it hurt terribly...but that isn't your fault or your responsibility...it's mine. I should have just accepted that you don't want to be with me at all and that you can go and do whatever you want with whoever you want....and it isn't all about me....but instead of allowing myself to feel hurt I got angry...after I got asked to leave work early..as I was crying...I got angrier and angrier.. ...and I lashed out cruelly ..and there is NO excuse for that. I am sorry. Then I arrive at work the next day and Jolynn Karella's being paged to come to customer service...I had to go to the bathroom to compose myself...I just felt like there was no escape..work is where I just forget everything and focus on the tasks at hand...and I felt violated...I felt punched in the heart...two days in a row. Again, that is not your fault and I am sorry I took it out on you. Sorrier than I can even convey.
I am not going to do anything to hurt your employment. I am not going to harass the women you choose to date or associate with or whatever...and once I send this, if you ask me to never contact you again...I won't. I am going to keep going to AA and keep working on me...I gain insights and learn lessons daily...but I have a long way to go.
I don't know what you are doing, so I will no longer assume that you are partying and doing the worst things possible.
I had what they call in AA a lightbulb moment, when I did get rewarded by karma with some cash I didn't know I had coming for choosing to do the right thing as far as not screwing with your job and trying to let you know that...and I realized it was karma..or God..or whatever one may want to refer to it as...that cash is going to help out a lot and it came after I had emailed you and said I would not screw with your job. The timing proved to me that when you do the right thing, good things happen...and I wanted to explain that to you
but I went about it wrong..I didn't want to hear what you had to say...I was being selfish and self centered...I just wanted to tell you that no matter what the circumstances of you being there with that chick...I was not going to be vindicative. You were so angry at me that I again screwed up and did not allow you to have your say. I am sorry very sorry for that...I am learning as I go and hope to get better and better at all of this...I know that I have to accept that you can go and be with and do whatever you want with whoever you want. Date, non date..it doesn't matter... It hurt me to see you with another female, shopping...in the store I work in...as it brought up memories of us shopping together and us being a couple and I just wasn't ready to see you with any female shopping..whether a friend a date whatever..but that is not your fault or your responsiblity. It's mine...you don't have to live your life worrying about whether or not something you do is going to hurt me..you have made it clear you don't want me as your girlfriend/lover/best friend...I am sorry I have had such a hard time accepting that...
Once you said your future and your life were in my hands...now positions are reversed...and all I can say is I hope that maybe next month...we could have lunch as friends ...just as friends..because seeing you once in a while is better than never...and I am going to try very hard to be able to be your friend...someone you would want for a friend..and I hope that you could try to just be my friend...please do gmail every now and then and let me know how you are...
I know I have no right to ask you to do anything and so I hope that whatever love you once felt for me will allow you to open your heart enough to read this and believe that I mean it...
It would mean the world to me if you would come to an aa meeting with me for me..as I celebrate my 90 days..so I could apologize to you in front of the group...they don't know specifics about you...I only discuss my wrongdoings at meetings...as that is how it works and that is how my sponsor demands I behave...so you wouldn't have to worry that I had bad mouthed you to them...I haven't..but I don't expect that you will come or even think I deserve you wanting to support me like that..but you once told me..there's always hope...it would be humbling and very beneficial to my growth and sobriety for you to allow me to apologize to you at a meeting..
I do love you, but I accept that you don't love me and I will no longer blame you for my feelings/reactions to things...I am letting go with love, Jimmy, really...as hard as it is...I want you to have everything you want in life...and I realize that doesn't include me as a girlfriend/lover/bestfriend...I just hope as I said..you will let me make amends and you will allow me to try to be your friend and you will try to be mine...thanks for reading this, if you did. Colleen
Well, the email actually worked, I think. He came and spent two nights with me before leaving for work. He agreed to take me to doc apt when he gets back ..which is out of town. He says he loves me and says he wants things to work. Says he will not lie to me and has been texting and calling quite a bit. I am a bit suspicious still that there is something he is not telling me, but I am hopeful in time,he will...I am not prying too much or pursuing too much, but am replying and being pleasant as possible.
Cadet, thank you. I agree with everything you said. I guess I need to work with babysteps. He is saying I love you and texting luv ya... he said in a text right before going to bed at his work camp .."Going to head to bed soon. Love you.. we still have a lot to think about when I get home. I think we both will be happy though." I replied that I was happy we had agreed not to see others or sleep with others and I loved him too..
Ok, so am looking for advice..do I now just act as if..or what? Not sure how to proceed..have been just kind of staying very even keeled with him..not getting upset when his responses were not exactly what I thought they should be etc...
Welcome to the roller coaster! Sounds like you're off to a good start by trying to not react to his words/actions. Have you read the DB and DR books?? They will give you a concrete outline for what you should try to start doing. The following list is credited to Sandi2 (she successfully recovered her M using her DB efforts. Use the search box to type her name and read up on her posts- they are filled with great insight!) Copy this list onto your computer, print it out and keep with you- many of us have it in our wallets It's a great reminder to stay on track when you start to backslide. I would also search for 25yearmlc, she DB'd her M while living in Alaska (and reconciled after 2 years).. her posts are also a valuable resource on these boards.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Keep posting on here and other's threads- the more you post, the faster you will not be monitored.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
I have read the books and that list is awesome! Thank you! I made the mistake of asking him if he wanted me to change my relationship status on my google plus page back to "in a relationship" and he responded..sure you can! A few days later..I noticed he had not changed his. I asked him if he was going to and he said he could not on his phone...I tried on mine..and he was right..it's not an option. I then said well you have your xoom tablet, you can change it on that. He said ok. Then two days later..he said he hadn't had time, was tired from working but would get to it..he brought it up. I said, that's ok..I changed mine back to single for now..when you are ready to change yours, I can change mine..and we can decide what we want to put. He laughed nervously ...then said he had to get off phone..talked a bit more about work, so I said, well go get some sleep, I have household stuff to do too..he said, ok..luv ya goodnight, I said luv ya, too and hung up. He called the next morning and asked if I was mad, I said..no..why? He did not answer. I changed the subject. Tonight, he brought it up again. I was at work and he texted me to call him on my lunch before he went to bed...I work 4-11pm near home..he works 6am to 6pm..and often goes to bed at camp by 8pm. I called him at 720 pm. He asked how my day went, I told him then he said he wasn't going to be awake long enough to change his profile status tonight..I said no problem, when you change yours I will change mine...not a biggie. He changed the subject abruptly again asking about the weather at home..we discussed it and then I said I needed to eat and had little break time left so I better let him go..I got off phone and then did text sleep well. Went back to work. He is being very odd.
I am not reacting and starting a fight..as he may want that.
Wow..today, I slept in. I woke early for a bit and he had texted happy valentine's day babe, he wished he was home and that he loved me. I replied with I love you too and fell back asleep. He texted a bit later and I woke up and replied..just getting up..then he called me, we talked..he said he wants to move back in...just stay at house and slowly move his stuff back from rental room as it is paid til the fifth of march..but said he was thinking he would not stay there at all!! wow. I said ok, and then we had small talk for a bit and then I told him I had to get moving and he said he had to get back to work..he did say he had not sent flowers or anything, as he wanted to take me out for a nice dinner after he got home..I said that would be nice...am happy. I have to get ready for work now, so that's it till later..but I know I need to keep not reacting and focusing on me...C
Please stop ALL discussion of his relationship status...it is what it is.
Nothing you say to him will change the REALITY of it, even if he caves in and pretends he's in a R with you and guess what? he's NOT sure he wants to be or that would not be an issue...
do NOT bring it up again...ever....it's repeated pursuit. I do NOT buy that your email worked.
I think he's interested in cake eating as much as possible and doing the minimal amount necessary to keep you hanging on...sorry but that's how this reads to me.
YOU CAN turn it around but NOT by repeating the pursuit...
Originally Posted By: jimmyjamsgirl
Wow..today, I slept in. I woke early for a bit and he had texted happy valentine's day babe, he wished he was home and that he loved me. I replied with I love you too and fell back asleep. He texted a bit later and I woke up and replied..just getting up..then he called me, we talked..he said he wants to move back in...just stay at house and slowly move his stuff back from rental room as it is paid til the fifth of march..but said he was thinking he would not stay there at all!! meaning he wants to STORE his things at YOUR PLACE but NOT LIVE THERE?
Suggest a storage place nearby...enough said..
besides, you two are not ready to reconcile. Sobriety is more than merely not using/drinking./
Are you doing all your work and the steps? IS HE??
Can you really be with him if he's not? And lets' face it, he's no 12 stepper. wow. I said ok,
why did you say "ok"? Am I reading this wrong?
and then we had small talk for a bit and then I told him I had to get moving and he said he had to get back to work..he did say he had not sent flowers or anything, as he wanted to take me out for a nice dinner after he got home..I said that would be nice...am happy. I have to get ready for work now, so that's it till later..but I know I need to keep not reacting and focusing on me...C
good luck....
keep going to your meetings and work the program b/c the program works
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It's a great reminder to stay on track when you start to backslide. I would also search for 25yearmlc, she DB'd her M while living in Alaska (and reconciled after 2 years).. her posts are also a valuable resource on these boards.