Well one of the books I picked up yesterday was "Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go" by Susan Forward. All I can say is WOW! Read it last night.
I am realizing that the relationship might not have been the best. To tell the truth there were many time I was unhappy. Fantasized about leaving. Even a couple times early on I tried to leave and she convinced me to come home.
I really don't know what to think right now. Should I db? Should I walk away and forget? I don't know what to do right now so I won't do anything. Is that right? Woke up this morning very sick after having an OK night. Actually ate well last night but woke up sick.
I feel like she is the only one who will make me happy. I am realizing that might not be rational. I have only been back on my meds for a short while. I've been acting out in some very unhealthy behavior the last couple of weeks. I honestly don't know what is real and what is not anymore. This is hard.
I want to call her and tell her about what I read. Apologize for smothering her by smothering her with apologies and explainations. Irony at it's best.
Another thing I did that was very unhealthy was get rid of all my friends when we got together. I had been going to AA for a few years at that point and had a lot of friends in AA. When we met I told her I didn't drink and was in AA. Within a month we were sharing bottles of wine together and all my friends were gone. She was everything.
Now I'm sitting on my folks couch. Unemployed. Totally alone. I will do my best not to call her.
Sorry for ranting. I just had to rant hear. Afraid I was going to call.
I feel like she is the only one who will make me happy. I am realizing that might not be rational. I have only been back on my meds for a short while. I've been acting out in some very unhealthy behavior the last couple of weeks. I honestly don't know what is real and what is not anymore. This is hard.
I think you may be more rational than you think....
Although you know that you cannot lay your happiness at the feet of another person.
Only YOU are responsible for that one brother...
What is real is, that you are Bi-polar, off your meds, and drinking again (?).
What is real is, that you need to rest, get back on your meds, and get your feet back underneath yourself. Until you can do that, you will continue to contribute nothing to any relationship.
I know how hard it is to do that.
Have you looked into any support groups in your area ?
Originally Posted By: Jack Straw
Another thing I did that was very unhealthy was get rid of all my friends when we got together. I had been going to AA for a few years at that point and had a lot of friends in AA. When we met I told her I didn't drink and was in AA. Within a month we were sharing bottles of wine together and all my friends were gone. She was everything.
Get back to that...find out when the next meeting is, and find that again.
Originally Posted By: Jack Straw
Now I'm sitting on my folks couch. Unemployed. Totally alone. I will do my best not to call her.
Get out and go for a walk, exercise, whatever you need to do.
You went out for a walk yesterday, and felt a lot better when you got back. Do that when you want to call her.
Jack, I never posted to you before-too early for me- but I did read you in the archives.
What happened to that Jack ???
How did you lose yourself in the relationship ?
I don't think this is even about you getting back in that relationship right now...
This is about you finding Jack again...
You can do this, you have been there before, you can do this again....
Drinking again? Not in the last few days. The thought of taking a drink makes me want to throw up.
How did I lose Jack? I don't know. She became more important that me even though I was unhappy a lot of the time. I am not being crazy when I say this (or maybe I am) but I really don't know what is going on. What is real.
Thanks for the kind words. Gonna go get out of the house for a bit.
When we met I told her I didn't drink and was in AA. Within a month we were sharing bottles of wine together
Wow - she KNEW you were sober and in AA, and she drank with you???
Sorry, honey, this woman is NO GOOD for you. Anyone who doesn't respect and help someone in AA is a selfish bad influence. I have friends who are in AA, I would never dream of sabotaging their sobriety by drinking with them or allowing them to drink around me.
Get back to AA and let go of this unhealthy influence. You have to get yourself in a healthy place before you can have a healthy relationship.
kml - that is what my whole family is telling me. We are not good for each other.
She just texted me and we talked briefly. She is going to call me in a little bit to discuss splitting up the cell phone family plan and how I am going to transfer the utilities to her name. She is moving so fast to get away.
Thank God we did not have kids together.
I will be strong on the phone. Non emotional. All business. I know I can. I know I can. lol
Did it. She called me and we discussed dividing the family cell phone plan. Told her that utils would be paid by next Monday and she can take them over. I was unemotional. Didn't cry or beg. Kept it purely business. Said goodbye first.
This was harder then I thought but I did it. Thanks for letting me rant in here the last couple of days. Was hitting a real dark point but I think I pulled back from the edge. Thanks.
I think once you're back on your meds full-force and once you get a couple of these victories under your belt, you're going to start seeing this R for the toxic one that it is.
I should not judge a R just from the few posts here but it just really doesn't sound like this one was good for you.
But... it WAS good for you as it helped you as a stepping stone to your next level in life.
I know how hard it is to struggle with a mental disability. The stigmas,and all that (I suffer from depression, as well as BPD traits)
Getting them under control is one of the biggest things you'll ever do in your life and is something to be hugely proud of.
If you're truly in AA as an alcoholic, then god forbid, don't touch it.
If you were there to control excessive drinking but can still drink in controlled amounts, then I suggest sticking to very light drinks like lite beers. Wine, especially red, had been known to react very badly with anti depressants. And ALL alcohol is not good with A.Ds. A couple of beers once in a blue moon isn't a huge issue but it really has to be monitored.
Please don't take my words as rule. I am just a girl who has learned to be the best she can while having an ailment similar to yours. I just wanted to share what works for *me* and everyone is different.
Jack, before you start believing that this woman "is no good for you", you first have to come from a place of responsibility.
I don't know, but could imagine any number of ways why you "abandoned" the support of your AA friends, which could just as easily be your addiction deamons telling you how you were "good" now and that you could control yourself, just like believing that you'd be OK with your meds.
While your W may be responsible for encouraging you or at least enabling you, you did make those choices.
You and your W may be plenty good for each other, as soon as she respects your condition and addictions and you have strong commitment and boundaries and safety nets in place to keep you on your path of health and well being.
Wishing you the best as you work through this.
And yes, as mentioned above, reconnect with your friends and build up your support network again... this will help you in so many ways...
Correct me if I'm wrong here, but I thought she was just a live-in girlfriend, not a wife?
AS for the drinking - yes, of course YOU are responsible for the decision to drink again. But nonetheless, I don't think much of a woman who knows you are in AA, who doesn't at least refuse to drink with you. If I was dating a sober alcoholic, no WAY would I drink with him. If he wanted to drink with me, I'd kick his butt back to AA meetings! That's what a SUPPORTIVE partner of someone in recovery would do.
That, and her poor parenting skills, are what makes me think she really wasn't a good match. If those close to you are saying the same thing - and they have a lot more information that I do - I would take their word for it.
Just to clarify Jack, I like to talk from responsibility as a perspective of what we can control. When two responsible people join their lives, a great, long term and potential intimate relationship can be formed.
By all means, your GF could have come from a "more responsible" position. Outside of any psych analysis, she was "less than supportive and responsible" in the relationship.
She too would do well to take a look at herself and discover how else that shows up in her life and how she can become an even greater person...
In the mean time, it still remains you being responsible for you...
