In my opinion telling the OM's wife is morally imperative. By not informing her you are keeping a secret from her and are actively protecting the affair. OMW deserves to know what is happening to her life and to make her own choices accordingly. You telling her the truth won't hurt her, her husband's actions have already done that.
And as aside, in my experience the vast majority of the time when caught an OM will run back to his wife and cutout without a second thought his "side action", which happens to be your wife. Conversely, I have observed that this is not true of most WW. Some will drop their affair when caught, but most have developed a strong emotional bond to their affair partner and will only consider stopping an affair when they become overwhelmed with negative consequences. Moving out is a negative consequence, but moving out temporarily to give hubby some space and using this as an opportunity for more time with OM is definitely not a negative consequence.
Totally agree. It IS a moral imperative. Ignorance is not bliss in these sitches. And it can be downright dangerous. OMW should know something as important as this in order to protect herself financially, emotionally, and her health may be at risk as well. She deserves to know this information so she can make her own decisions for her own well-being.
I think I'm done now. This whole thing came out about four weeks ago now. She agreed everything would be broken off with OG. I've been doing DR and it's been helping. But I found a box of gifts from OG in our bedroom including undergarments with swastika and ss logos on them - who wears that stuff and keeps it in our bedroom? I'm shattered by this. As well as something dated a week and a half ago so she's lying directly to me about there being no contact. I have learnt an awful lot about myself, I also think I've taken a bit more blame on myself than I maybe should have.
I'm not going to raise it now her, waiting till counselling on Monday.
I think I'm done now. This whole thing came out about four weeks ago now. She agreed everything would be broken off with OG. I've been doing DR and it's been helping. But I found a box of gifts from OG in our bedroom including undergarments with swastika and ss logos on them - who wears that stuff and keeps it in our bedroom? I'm shattered by this. As well as something dated a week and a half ago so she's lying directly to me about there being no contact. I have learnt an awful lot about myself, I also think I've taken a bit more blame on myself than I maybe should have.
I'm not going to raise it now her, waiting till counselling on Monday.
Wow, that's not creepy.....you W is involved with a skinhead? Not to mention the disrespect on keeping crap like that in your marital bedroom. Ick! If you are truly "done," bring the items to the C session. And tell the OMW.
Actually the OG isn't a skinhead, she was before we met when she was younger. I guess she must have told him about this and he's played up to it. I haven't let on I know yet, I've still been DRing, even bought flowers and took her out for Valentines day - not going to give her any excuses that I'm being bad to her. I don't want to rub it in her face at the counseling, I'll still be sensitive, I've told the counselor already a bit about it on the phone, I don't want her getting hostile, the kids are still in the house with us.
Update. Counseling and DR is working. I raised the box of gifts in the session, told the counsler I can only see one way out but he talked me around. It came out that W had thrown out gifts from her first boyfriend (skinhead) when we got married, and was stuck on the memories of that and hanging onto this. Said she hadn't gotten attached or used anything from it but couldn't bring herself to throw it out, wanted to give it back so OG knew she didn't have any of it. Counselor gave me the option of what should be done with it. I would have liked to have burned it but I agreed for it to go back. After the session I asked W if she would put a note that it was really over, she readily agreed and looked up and found a pretty blunt no contact letter on the net and wrote the letter. The box went back with letter included, she didn't want to go through the contents or look in the box.
We spent the day out together yesterday, even revisited somewhere that we'd had a big argument a few months ago and re-did it having a great time. Pretty much had about ten hours together, just us, doing stuff and there was a fair bit of talk from her about plans for us later in the year.
Haven't told OMW, I'd have to track her and down don't have her full details but the counselor hasn't said that we should go there, and there is a reasoning that sometimes it's better not to find out, if an affair ends and the offending partner decides to get on with fixing things it seems it can be better for the spouse not to know. Plus I don't want this guy having any excuse to come back and contact my W now.
I'm struggling with the thoughts of what they've done together. The thought of her being touched by him and when/where/how that might have happened is really hard to deal with. Also the idea that if I see him on the street or something I don't know that I'd simply turn away. I'm trying not to put any of this onto W but it's darn hard keeping it locked up. There are so many little things that come up, did she wear that underwear, they had pet names for each other - don't call me my nickname now!, from this restaurant I can see a place where I knew they were together, where did she get the coffee mug, - at every turn there's something. If I can get past this somehow we've got a chance.
Well we're still hanging in there. I'd love to get some ideas of how to cope with the thoughts of what's happened physically, I have dreams about it that wake me up. Last nights was, OMG I bet they've done it in our house. Hadn't thought of this before, don't want to raise it but it's now on mind.
Well it's been a bumpy ride but we're still together. We are still in counseling and will be for some months. W has agreed to leave her work, which she loves, but whilst I have tried, I'm unable to get over her continuing to work where the OM might still find excuses to bump into her. The assurance is that it's over, there's been a "no contact letter", and W's manager, whilst not aware of the situation, has been asked to have OM deal with someone else in the department when necessary. Still, I'm not going to put myself in the situation of being the sucker who thought everything would be ok and not require a commitment to move away from this situation. W has agreed, we have an outlook to a new future together now and we are spending a lot of quality time together. I am continually looking to myself to be a better man and whilst I may never be perfect I am 200% committed to continuing to be the best husband I can.
