Young and the restless? No it's Older and Patient

[MrBond]

If you decide to go the route of R, then I would strongly suggest you get MC. Or maybe go to something like Retrouvaille or Joe Beam's weekend or a consult with MWD. There are alot of issues going on and just because she's come to peace with them doesn't mean that you have.

Get the help for both of you.

First and foremost though is to not let any of your DB efforts slide. Keep those changes going.

[~ kd ~]

Do you believe her?

I mean... outside the outpouring of emotion and the specific words that she said in the conversation... how certain do you feel about her sincerity to DO THE WORK necessary to allow the two of you a fresh start?

If there are any "signs" to look for... they would be her making effort to connect with you... and anything you might notice of things that show she is being someone you might want to be with...

Regardless of if they were with your X whom you felt terribly hurt by... or anyone else whom you had no history with...

That she is someone that you would want to be with...

[WenikiTiki]

WOW! That was a rollercoaster classic move. Didn't even see that twist and bottom falling out coming, did you?

In my journaling U had written a couple different lists of what I would expect/want were my H to say he wanted to get back together. Because he has said that several times only to bounce back to OW usually quickly.

I wrote things like long term MC, Changes I would hope to see him make on his own, without my asking for them, words I would want to hear without prompting. Did you ever mame such a list?

And my H's cousin also was left by his wife and they got back together a few years later. I talked to him recently. He told me that he believes my H will come back to me. And he said when he does, to make him beg and crawl for awhile, don't just cave and go back.

He said he made his now wife again wait 6 months, because he didn't want to disrupt the kids and he really wanted to believe her sincerity in wanting to work out their relationship. And they seem pretty happy now days.

Back again to WOW!

Aloha,

Wendy

[Seminolewind]

Thanks everyone!

Good looking out Mr. Bond!

Have I come to peace with what has happened in my life? Some but not all! I was devastated for a long time. It took me almost a year to even feel good about myself again. What is different now? Instead of me not sleeping at night my ex is in the battle ground and can’t sleep. I remember those nights that my mind just raced and all the bad thoughts would just paralyze my mind. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

I will say that all of this has taken me by complete surprise. But to be honest the signs have been there for a few months. I don’t know why but looking back I should have seen this coming. Maybe I had blinders on just trying to protect myself. Maybe it’s the crust that protects our hearts, keep us from seeing things. I honestly think she has wanted me to start pursuing her and I haven’t.

I think she is seriously working to put her life back together and she is still battling plenty of issues. She knows she is the only one that can fix herself. I have plenty of empathy for her right now. I really wish I could help her but I know she is the one that has to do this for her. I truly seen signs of the woman I fell in love with and I miss that person. I know she is still lost and searching for herself and I wish there was something I could do to help her find her way. The good news is she knows she is the only one that can fix herself. Regardless of what happens between her and I she is heading in a direction that is better for our girls.

I have asked myself many questions over the last few days. I think if she continues to progress, she would be the woman I want in my life. I told her that I wouldn’t set myself up for failure. I told her that I will never settle for less than I deserve and I would expect the same out of my partner. I want to wake up every morning and thank God for blessing my life. I feel that is how all of us should live our lives. If my ex does show me through her actions that she is going to be that person that I want in my life, we will both do the work to start a new relationship. Until then I am going to continue working on the most important thing, me.

Milton Bradley uses false advertisement! I bought a puzzle the other day that said 8 to 10 years, I knocked it out in three nights! Maybe I really am a genius! Sometimes a little humor helps!

Something I have been thinking about: Just when you think you know, you really never know!

[AJM]

Hey Seminole. Interesting turn of events. Can I say I think this is the harder part?? Harder than her leaving? It changes the entire paradigm and you are going to have to adjust. Even harder, you worked for a long time for these words, and then just when you gave up....

I agree with Wen. Slow and verify. She talked the talk, but it's a long way from walking the talk. You may decide to see if she is for real and see if this is what you want. But if you go that route, then you'll want to see if she is for real. That means you'll stay guarded (like it or not) and that makes it harder. But you'll have to be able to trust her if that's where you go and while I'm not a fan of games, which it would feel like, it's really about testing to ensure that it's really what she meant.

If you do not, it won't be fun either if you want her to go away and she wants a relationship.

Either way, better than the spew and anger, but seems like this is the real work that you've been prepping for a very long time.

Remember what you've learned. Remember who you are and remember you are worth a lot!

Good luck,
AJ

[Seminolewind]

Thanks AJ!

My ex did talk the talk, although she hasn’t walked the walk. I had a gut feeling that she was saying all the right things and it seemed she was not really ready. I can’t be certain that she will for quite some time if ever. It upset her because I wouldn’t just jump back in right where we left off. I couldn’t and she made a demand to move 1000 miles away to be near her parents. Actually I didn’t say I wouldn’t move, I just told her that we would have to work slow at finding out if we could get back together before I made such a drastic change. We have a granddaughter that we need to think about and the relationship between the two teens is shaky at best. My ex was upset that I hadn’t looked for a job within three days of hanging out and talking. I feel she wants things just to go back to the way things were in the past. I knew that wouldn’t work and said this is going to take time and patience to start something new. I took my time and thought about the best course of action to put us back together and she only heard what she wanted to hear. I am only willing to do this the right way and if that makes me the bad person I can live with that. I have plenty of empathy for my ex, it’s just that I deserve nothing but the best for the girls and me. I keep telling myself only a fool would rush into a misguided relationship. I felt that she was jumping in blindly and really just bouncing around like a squirrel in the middle of a busy street.

The problem is my ex is still in MLC land and I don’t think she is thinking logically. The good news is she has started opening up a little to her dad. She told him that she is very ashamed of something but she hasn’t actually told him what makes her feel the shame. I know this is an important part for the MLCer when they are coming out and I am happy she is showing signs that she is moving possibly towards the end of her dilemma. When she is really done with this MLC crap I should be able to see it in her actions. Right now she needs to continue on her journey and I will continue on mine.

Because my D18 and her boyfriend broke up over the weekend my ex thought that D18 would just move with her and start her life over. What neither of us knew is D18 is pregnant again. When it rains it pours on my parade. It looks like I am going to have my second grandchild in December. I am disappointed that my D18 is making poor choices in her life. As a father I wanted my kids to have better than what I had through life. I kind of feel I have failed as a father with my D18. I wish she would start making better choices in life and I am pretty much just beating my head against the wall. I know I can’t control what anyone does in life. I just wish she would make responsible choices in life. I am trying to look for the good in this situation but that is a difficult task.

For something positive I now have two teenage daughters. I don’t think the youngest will add as many grey hairs as the oldest has. We had a great weekend and a house full of kids. Great time all around.

I have an awesome camping trip planned for this weekend. A group of friends are heading out for an awesome 3 days of fun in the sun and the weather looks like it will cooperate. I feel blessed to have some great friends. I need a break from my ex and the teenage drama, this should be what the doctor ordered.

Have a great week everyone.

[AJM]

Glad to hear it Seminole. And no, it doesn't make you the bad person. You don't owe your ex anything and you know that. That does not make you a bad person. It makes you...you. She wanted this and she has her own row to hoe. You have yours.

As for your daughter - poor choices? Or just not the choices you would make? Is there any good in this situation? Sure. It'll take a while to see it and it certainly is not what you wanted, but it can still work out well. As a father, I get it but as an outsider I feel obliged to point out that it will work out for the best long term. Like you said, you can't control what you can't control.

Be good.
AJ

[Seminolewind]

Update:

The only thing I have seen from my ex is more crap behavior. I have had enough and have been telling her that I am done taking the blame for her problems. I don’t think I have been DBing lately and for some reason I just tired of the push pull crap.

She has been telling me that she is moving to Texas to be near her parents and I told her that we have 50/50 custody and I don’t think that is going to work. She lives in the family home her choice and according to the decree she is responsible for making the payments until it sells. She told me that she is moving July 15th regardless if the house sells or not. She says it’s my problem after that. I have been patient with her and walked away every time I started getting angry. I told her that I thought she was being unreasonable and she needed to take care of her responsibilities before she tries to move. She just gets angry and tells me that I dumped the house on her. I didn’t her and her lawyer decided what she wanted through arbitration. So she asked me Monday to tell her what I thought she should do. I being me, like to think things out and this is what I sent her today. I should have probably asked for advise before I sent this. Oh well what am I going to lose my wife? Lol!

Ex W,



You told me to tell you what I wanted you to do in life. I don’t control you and you know what? You do need to hear my thoughts. Well I am going to give you a couple options and you can decide.



Option one. You can stick with your plan and move to Texas. I would recommend that you consult your attorney before you do anything that could have potential repercussions. I also believe that as unstable as you have been that I will have D 13 live with me during the school year. We can meet half way through extended periods of time off from school so you can spend time with her. I think she deserves a stable parent, that is thinking rationally about life and right now I feel I am the best option for her at this point. I will be the one that provides the safety and security for both my daughters and granddaughter and you can go and try and figure out where your priorities are in life. I am not willing to change my stance on this option. I am tired of hearing everything is my fault and it’s about time you took responsibility for your own actions. I fought for 50/50 custody and I am not willing to settle for less. I am a dad first. If you prefer this option we can work out the details and I will have my attorney send it to the Judge.



Option two. You can stay here and go get some psychological help and get your life back on track. I will pay for you to go get the help you need. No I am not looking for anything in return I just feel I owe that much to our children. From my experience a therapist is not a bad route to help get over some issues in life. You already know you have been acting bat chit crazy and I think it’s time for you to fix yourself. It’s time to show everyone especially your daughters through your own actions that you are getting on the right track. You need to teach our daughters how to be a good person/mother again. You can take the steps to forgive yourself and start trying to get along with me enough that we can co-parent effectively. I am very willing to help you get your life back in order. I think our kids deserve a good mother again. If you don’t believe that you have turned into a person that your children do not respect. I would ask you to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself how do my kids view the new improved Ex W? Think deep and hard about that answer. Quit lying to yourself and justifying everything you have been doing. I know you are sitting there saying to yourself and he thinks he is Mr. Perfect. Nope I don’t think that at all. I know I have made plenty of bad choices, the difference is I am not afraid to admit to mine. I don’t justify crappy behavior and I learn as I move in life. I have plenty of things I could change to make me an even better dad. The good news is, that’s exactly what I want to do for our kids. I also decided that I am not going to be your whipping boy any longer. You will not blame me for the choices you made or make in life ever again. Those are your choices and you need to take responsibility for those choices. It has been long enough that you have been blaming everything on this guy. If you want people to support your decisions they need to be made rationally. Take the blinders off and look at the big picture. We all have opinions and you may not like mine, all I can say to that is, put your kids first. They deserve a mother that has her priorities straight.



We both have a vision and see things that happened between us our own way. Yours, mine and the truth. You may think that I am blaming everything that has happened on you and I want you to know, that I am not. You have some valid complaints about the things that happened in the past. I take full responsibility for the mistakes that I made and I forgive myself for making those mistakes, they are in the past and I can’t change them now. The past is a worthless thing to continue fighting about and I just don’t see the point any longer. Most people learn from the mistakes they make in life. I choose to move on and not let those types of mistakes happen in my future. You told me that you know so much more now about life/relationships that you are dangerous. You know I feel I have learned quite a bit about life/relationships and what’s truly important in life. I also know that life experience is important so a person can grow and flourish. You only see me as an angry man that has hurt you. I am not angry I just don’t think it’s reasonable for you to keep blaming your problems on me, you need to remember this is the road you chose to travel. I fought hard to fix things between us and you rejected me every step of the way. That is perfectly fine, you begged me for a divorce and it’s done. That was the one thing that has helped me the most in my life. I thank you for that. It has shown me a different prospective on life. I feared many things at first. Then I faced those fears one at a time and learned so much about the man that I truly wanted to be in life. He is a strong and confident man that loves his children. I know I am a good man and I know I deserve to be treated like a good man. I am not willing to put myself in the mine field and let you keep blowing up in my face. Everyone has their limitations in life and I don’t have to let someone treat me disrespectfully. I don’t need a person that is so confused they tell me one day let’s get back together, then a couple days later get out of my life. That was being immature and very confusing to our kids. I value our kids and myself way more than that. I know what I deserve and I will not settle for someone that just enjoys hurting me because they can’t figure out where the real issues are coming from. I think these options I have given you are the only ones available. You need to stand up and start thinking about the most important thing in your life, our girls. This isn’t about you or me or who did what to who. The immature blame game is worthless and it doesn’t have a place in my life.



You are entitled to think whatever you want about me and how I see things. I can’t worry about how you view me anymore. I have plenty of empathy for you and I think I really understand the battles going on inside your mind. I truly don’t see you as a victim. You are a grown woman and you must be held accountable for your own actions. You made choices and you really need to deal with them. I am a grown man and I am going to think things out before I make any decisions. I need my kids to see that I am a man that has their best interest in mind. This is the dad that is going to pick his kids up when they fall and try show them how to live there life to the fullest. They deserve someone that will teach them, instead of just giving up on them. If you don’t think that kids follow in their parents footsteps, just look at D 18’s boyfriend. I am sure his mom thought she made all the right choices in life also. You need to look at our daughters and see what they are learning. Is this how you want them to behave in life? I think it is time to show them the right path to travel. I refuse to respond to any hate filled or victimizing communications from you anymore. If you send that stuff again I will just delete any ignorant responses. So think this stuff out and start being honest with yourself. I would be happy to discuss anything as long as it remains civil and not unhealthy drama. That stuff is for teenagers not adults. You turned me into the person I am today and I thank you for that. I know my kids look at me a whole lot different and I like the man they see and call dad.



Seminole

I think I made her angry and she responded with this.

I’m sorry for blaming you. You are right; that was immature. I’ll be talking to my lawyer asap. I’m glad you’re who you want to be, so am I. Please stop controlling me. I’m in the driver seat for me and my kids/grandkids. Thanks for your support!!

I don’t know why but I almost responded with an “Lol”. I just have been getting so tired of her blaming crap on me that I just have had enough. I figured I am divorced and I am tired of the drama every couple weeks. D18 is living with me, has a baby and is pregnant with number two. Her boyfriend is on and off about every two weeks and it’s stressful. So I just think something has been building for a while and I finally said enough. I tried logic and we all know where that leads. So this stuff just kind of boiled out.

Have a good day.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hey Seminole,

Sorry that it has come to that.

I would get tired of the drama too.

As for the advice?

heh, its a little to late, that dog won't run...or rather that dog has already run.

If you don't want the drama, though? Why provoke her?
If you're asking what do you mean?

Are you going to tell me that the email you sent wasn't designed to that way?

If you don't want the drama? Don't feed the troll. ; )

[BeingMe]

I thought the same thing, Seminole. The email you sent her had you blaming her, and holding yourself innocent, a "good man, good dad". I don't doubt you are, but as Jack says, "why feed the troll." You must've expected this response. You've delved into the past, but expected her to not do that. You can't have it both ways. You should've left this dog sleeping.