(((111))) I'm sorry you find yourself here. I wouldn't contact him anymore.
M & H 25 T 9 D 7 S 4 Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me. Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out 2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other. 3-4-12 H moved back in. 3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
Just got brushed up on your sitch, One. Definitely no fun! A break-up + OW is a double-whammy of hurt. You may not be following "the rules" to a T right now, but cut yourself some slack. Right now, you're hurting intensely and have been dealt a traumatic blow. We all first came on this site shaken and riddled with pain. It is definitely a process, no matter how things turn out.
The others are right in that you need to stop the pursuit immediately and go as dark as you can get. One thing I might mention is that, since your guy sounds like he is the "one-up" in this R and because you guys used to be incredibly close, he will not trust your darkness at first. He will test it in some possibly hurtful ways, maybe over a long period of time. Then, once he sees that this is truly the way that it is, perhaps real change will begin to go into effect.
Also, I mentioned both of these books on Accuray's thread on "Romantic Love vs. Mature Love," and they bear mentioning here: "After the Affair" by Janis Spring and "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass were the two most informative books that I read on affairs during the start of my sitch. I would highly recommend them both. Also, I'd advise checking out the website "Surviving Infidelity." It's a wealth of info. The "Wayward" section of their forums offer a POV from WAS' who now deeply regret their actions during the A. Not sure if it will help you, but it helped me gain more compassion and perspective toward my W.
Hang in there! It's going to be all right! You're with good people now.
Don't beat yourself up. This is hard. But please go dark. It may begin to give you some peace of mind.
(((HUGS)))
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Ouch! One of the downsides about letting the ex in on the sitch...
I wouldn't be so drastic as to say the R is over now. He might be angry at you, but this could be a way to project his anger onto something else -- after all, he's the one who lied about that stuff, not you. He will know, deep down, that it was his fault.
My advice: don't divulge anymore to the ex. Obviously, she can't be trusted to keep a lid on things.
I know what it looks and feels like right now. YOU can go on. Honey, we have all felt the way you do. Everything seems unchangeable right now. But you change what makes you feel sad. GALng really does help because it gives your mind time, rest, and a chance to heal from the pain. I have been to the point where I wanted nothing to do with life. YOU will be okay.
What are you doing right now? Are you somewhere where you can take walk? I think you need fresh air and a chance to develop new interests. Take care.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I no one likes people who are depressed and don't help themselves. Every other person I know, including people just on the wedding forum I was on to plan my wedding are trying to get me to see that he is partially wrong too. Right now all i can see is what i've done wrong since the start. How I've ruined everything. I just turned 41. We were supposed to start trying for a baby the minute he got home. He was so excited for that We were supposed to be posted to a new city/province or maybe even country We were supposed to be married
I love him and I don't want to leave my house.
I don't want to leave this life.
I don't want my life without the above.
I just don't.
How can I start feeling confident in myself? How can I let go of feeling like there is no point in continueing
(((((((((111))))))))) I thought you could use a few extra hugs.
I can hear the depression in your posts. I bet you kinda feel like the day he dropped the bomb? Let yourself be sad. Cry, scream, eat ice cream, throw pillows... cry some more. Give yourself some healing time.
Then, when you've gotten a little strength. Take a shower, or bath. Find some uplifting music. No one expects you to 'feel better' overnight.
Don't put this all on you. It's very easy to give into the acceptance that *you* did everything wrong.
As far as feeling more confident... Bklynmom and I both bought fancy 'underthings' Just a little something that no one else would see, but makes us feel a little sexy. I cut my hair and did highlights after the bomb. Try to find something simple that makes you like who you see in the mirror..... the more you do it, the better you start to feel.
It's a long, rough ride on this DB roller coaster.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Purgatory and DU have both written some awesome posts about getting by, 111. You'd do well to follow them. It's quite normal to feel this low in the beginning. Allow these periods to unfold. They will be frequent, but they will eventually pass.
You might also do well to look into the cognitive side of psychology -- essentially, that what we think shapes the world outside of us. Your last couple of posts were filled with all sorts of negative assumptions. You may feel very strongly that all of those things are true, but it's helpful to realize that little in life has any inherent meaning other than what we give it. So if you are prone to think negatively about the world, your world will be negative!
Think of your thoughts and feelings as being "theories" or "ideas." They might be true. Then again, they might not be. Once you learn to question the validity of your patterns of thought, you might realize that things are not quite as black-and-white as you may have previously assumed.
You will get through this. No matter what happens.
