why is it that something as meaningless as whether or not h makes the bed in the morning has an effect on how I feel??
h hardly ever used to make the bed...even when he stays in it for hours after I get out of it...some mornings h will make the bed while he's up there showering and getting ready for his day..and other days he just leaves the rumpled mess that it becomes when he sleeps in it (all summer all I had to do was pull the comforter back up cause I don't tangle the bed all up like he does.
I know it's a foolish thing..but when I go up there after he's gotten ready and find it made..I smile, I am happy, when he doesn't make it...grrrr it bothers me...I don't say anything cause wtf really it's just a bed. but this am I made breakfast (pancakes, sausages, oj and fresh coffee for h) h did help clean up (well put everything in the sink) while getting breakfast ready I swept the floors, took up the rugs and put them in the wash (the crap from the driveway was imbedded in them) after breakfast continued to sweep the floors while h put stuff in the sink and wiped the table..then off to the shower goes h while I do all the dishes...finnish sweeping...mop the floors and dry mop the hardwood...h tra la la comes down and puts on his boots getting kisses from the kiddos and off to work he goes.
should I be bothered by something so simple??? probably not but it does add to things...the fact that I don't know what h's plans for today are? what time we should expect him home? the fact that I didn't get a hug this morning...theese little things all add up...that I know h doesn't see...
don't get me wrong it's not like he does nothing..as I said he did help clear the table..did poor the juice and get out the plates (although he seems to always go for paper plates) and silverware...did say thank you...
I didn't end up going out last night...instead I sat and worked on the craft project I mentioned before..I should be able to finnish it with one more sitting...while h watched cnn and eventually fell asleep on the couch...all in all not a bad evening.
perhaps the day will get better as it goes along.
got my hair cut yesterday..I feel like I should just go back to the long hair I used to have as it seems my hairdresser just doesn't remember the way she cut it the first time...I don't think I like it this time..too short on the bottom and too long on the top...oh well it's just hair it'll grow...
eventually if things reach an even keel where we stay possitive for a length of time...the ole trust issue comes up. I don't have to face it when h is not being "there" as that seems to be more of interest to me. but when h is being the good h..doing the right things etc...I start to wonder is it all a charade...does he still talk to ow?? does he still see ow?? do they still have some "plan" to be together...would ow be that ignorant???
is there anyway for me to trust h that ow is gone and that he wont resume the "friendship"?? h gets angered when I bring her up...I don't like to ask about her because it frustrates him..but I do need to know that this ow is gone and that h is not simply making nice nice with me so that he can have the best of both worlds...his family and his pittiful ow.
if this were last year this time I already would have called ow today and told her to find a new landscaper and to stay away from my h (among calling her other things) she would then try to fire him...he would call me and give me crap for calling her...it's his business (ya well buddy ya made her my business when you stop just being her landscaper) I know ow will lie to me..she did before...there really is no way for me to know if she is gone or not...hell h could mask dropping her as a customer simply to appease me but still continue the "friendship" I belived him before when he said he eneded the r with her...believed her when she said they no longer talked cept for business related stuff...only to find out later they were talking every freaking day!!
will I ever trust this man??? I don't know...maybe I shouldn't but I don't know if I can simply accept it that way...after all if I don't trust him and can't talk to him about it...what's to stop me from "living my life"
blindly trust him...did that for years and look where it got me!!
I know too damn much about people and the world...
grrrr!!! h wants to hang out tonight and play darts...asked if we needed anything at the liquor store...I don't need to play darts...I need to "talk" R talk that is.
I don't know...just not feeling right about things..perhaps the snow...maybe he plowed her driveway again??? grrrrr!!!
can't ask him....
grrrr!!!
put on a happy face LL!!
h wont be home til 6:30 ish...has to go do some sanding incase it snows or gets cold tommorow...wtf???
whatever...if she didn't block her damn phone I'd call and see if she answers. but that wouldn't be right of me would it.
LL..all your feelings are justified...I don't know the right thing to tell you...I have those stupid feelings myself..we have to keep on with our lives..I talked to myself on the way to the mall...praying for help and strength to get these things out of my thoughts..I sometimes wonder the samt thing, that h is just waiting his 6 mos of seperation..then proceed further..or is the ff still with her new bf or is she too waiting and then she and my h can do their thing...I just get sooooo frustrated as you do. Stop and take a look around..your h came home..he did not have to, hopefully he is making these choices because he wants to. Don't sweat the small things like beds being made..they are not worth it. Enjoy the night of playing darts..if h wants to talk and starts the talk then talk..otherwise why wreck a good time together Sue
LL, I hope you can enjoy hanging out with H and playing darts. I also hope that you find some of the things you need by doing that, even if it doesn't include the R talk.
{{{{LL}}}} Sending hugs your way. Hang in there!!
BTW, I thought you might like to hear that my little monkey opened up to me a little bit today. It looks like you were right on when you told me I had a silly monkee. Thanks for being there for me LL. I really appreciate you. You will never know how much you have mean to me.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
LL, Sounds like your roller coaster is still going full speed ahead, but hang in there, it will start slowing down, but as you told me, things will never be the same as before, you both will change. When I had my A 23 years ago, W left with 2 year old daughter for 6 months. When she finially came home, we had sex the very first night, and have been sleeping in the same bed until now. Somehow it seems different with her A. I'm still at home, and she is gone with OG If my DB'ing works, and she does come home I'm sure she will want to stay away from me until she gets her head right. I don't even know why I'm thinking about that, because she probably isn't "comming home" I'm just dreaming.
NO DATING! I agree, but check this out from "Kevinlost"
Quote: I was lost now I am found.............
my wife woke up from the fog today. After she found out that I was going out on a date wednesday night she freaked out. She broke down. She spent yesterday and today trying to figure out why she was so freaked out by this. She came to the conclussion that she loved me and was really jealous of me dating some one else. I know the journey has just begun to healing my marriage but I am hear to tell you that Db works. My wife told me that she loves me today. I am not being overly optimistic but the woman I fell in love with is back. I am leaving work early today because she wants me to come home and hold her in my arms.. She hit that brick wall when she realized I was moving on with my life without her. All she has talked about this evening is our future together. I know it will take time to heal and time to forgive but we are in it together. We will win the war against divorce and we will be stronger because of it..
Any hope?
I'll be doing house work all day today, so the place looks nice when W gets here tomorrow. Then who knows what the hell is going to happen then
just tired I guess... we didn't end up playing darts...instead h read my mind and suggested chinese food...so we put the kids to bed and then off he went to get it..(stinky that only one of us could go but hey what can ya do) so we ate and then chilled on the couch...we were both tired..but h was the one to fall asleep...I could have just was a little tense.
h told me a bit about a conversation he had with buddie on the ride...seems the buddie and mrs. buddie were having some kind of tif..or perhaps more mrs. buddie was in a mood or something..it was nice to have h share something with me. (think that was one of the things I wanted.)
just hanging in today with the family...spent some time outside with the kiddos...h digging out a drain pipe..and us digging out the snow from under the swings to do something...(what a pain it is to get snow boots on a 1 1/2 year old ugh...they came off when I took her out of the swing so that was the end of dd's day outside..son stayed out while h snowblowed some more drainage trenches..the spring is going to be soooo mucky)
so I'm feeling a little better after sneaking off with h for a few minutes while dd naped and s watched tv...maybe we'll play darts tonight...but honestly I am still so very tired...maybe I should start taking vitamins..or maybe son should start sleeping a little later or not being so whinney when he does get up....
son now just HAS to get dressed like immediately after he gets up wich sometimes can be 6:30 mr whinney pants is often heard fussing and whinning cause he can't get his shirt on right...oh the days when he would wake up and prefer to crawl into bed or hell just stay in his pj's half the morning...
ok enough of that.
so what am I saying here...things are ok and perhaps even better than that too!!
Hey LL, I was just catching up with some threads here... and I feel bad that I haven't been by to see you in so long. I'm glad that your H is going to the C. I still have high hopes for you and your H. I think it will just take some time.
You are doing great. I know you have your good days and your bad ones, but overall, you are being so strong in this sitch. Just hold on to that belief that you and your H will someday have a better R than you've ever had... it will just take some time, and some hard work.
ok so LL really really must be tired...after hanging out with the family yesterday...cleaning and playing...I made dinner...in-laws called in the am saying they might stop by but then around dinner time I didn't hear from them so I called to see what they were up to..(didn't want to sit down to eat and then have them show with no place set for them) they were tired so weren't comming.
cleaned up dinner...(getting tired of dishes and what not..trying not to get frustrated with h about it though)
played with kids while h talked on phone with buddie (I guess all is well with that) then played in playroom with kiddos while h watched a bit of hockey....then h played with son while I put dd to bed...h and son then came up..I went to a web page for a new movie (findingnemo.com) for son...son wanted to sit on my lap...I suggested he sit on dads lap..dad intended to go sit on the couch (grrr!!) I was grumpy...h from the other room kept saying grouch...grouch...and then asked why I was so grouchy...I said cause there's a sink full of grouchy dishes....anyway..I ended up looking a the web site with son...its not all up and running yet but I wanted to see it and thought son would enjoy it too.
I did the dishes...h said he would help but sat with son instead (oh well at least we joked about it) I then sat on one couch while h and son sat on the other..I must have fallen asleep cause the next thing I knew son was in bed and h was putting a blanket on me...we were supposed to hang out and play darts or something...but h let me sleep...I slept on the couch til I think 11:30...I never fall asleep like that so I guess I really was tired.
tonight we will hang out and do something...unless of course I am tired again...
h asked me this morning if I felt ok...it's not like me to fall asleep like that...but when you think about it...I really haven't slept much at all since dd was born...first because of normal baby waking stuff and then because of this sit wich all came about when dd was 3 months old...so I think LL has a right to be tired and fall asleep on the couch.
looking back over the past year I know I didn't always do the "right" things...I let my pain and anger guide me...I let my confusion guide me...I let my selfishness guide me...
I had good days and bad as we all do..I had strong days and weak ones..I had days when I could overcome the fear and anger and hurt and stand strong and truly be the woman I wanted to be..and there were days when I acted on impulse and anger...for those days I am ashamed...but know that I cannot condem myself for it...we are all human after all.
there are things that I did along my journey that are a dissapointment to me...I wish that I could share this dissapointment in myself with h...but feel there is no need at this time..as he may add it to his own dissapointment in himself.
what did I do right...
accepted my part in the downfall of r (that was hard hard hard to do)
accepted that though I thought I was trying after disclosure of ea ow...I was not..I was holding on to it and treating it as a crisis and avoiding dealing with OUR issues. (hard to do...ow became a new problem for me)
tried to understand h's feelings (still have a hard time with that one sometimes)
started living my life for me again
stopped trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be. (still hard on some days and with some people)
stopped taking everything so personally (still have a hard time with that on some days and not just with h, despite LL's tough tone she is probably one of the most sensative people you'll ever meet)
started attending church once again (though have not kept up with it since h's homecomming)
started using a softer tone with others became more active and less re-active
learned that I have no control over anybody but myself.
what did I do wrong...
blamed h for more than his share
talked to too many people about sit
called ow too much ( but then it does let me know her a bit and understand her)
said and did alot of things in anger...
spent time with other men (and that I greatly regret now and don't totally know why)
spent too much time trying to figure h out once I thought I had figure myself out instead of paying more attention to myself.
I don't know why I'm taking the time now to list all these things out...just that I'm feeling confused lately and I don't know why..I'm happy that h has come home...but I don't feel that we each as individuals are done learning whatever lessons we were supposed to learn.
I don't want h to leave again and don't think he needs to either...I just don't know how we are going to make this journey a pleasureable and rewarding one for each of us.
the other night with our chinese food we got fortunes and damn they were so fitting I wish I save them...I will to the best I can to paraphrase..
mine..once you decide what you want...open your eyes and see that you already have it.
h's...no one can decide for you what you want....
hmmmmmmmmm berry interesting!! (I feel like h is looking to c to be told whether or not he should be here or wants to be here) ( I am never sure if I am happy with what I've got or not)
I know these things are hokey...but they can be manipulated to fit the sit..and how ironic that we should each get fortunes like these.
anyway...still work to be done...but I think we are getting somewhere...h still being the good h..still getting hugs and greeting and leaving kisses that are more than the pecks I used to get!!
If my DB'ing works, and she does come home 