Like Two Sparrows in a Hurricane (2)

[kml]

Barb - remember that MAL is the one that dumped HIM, and that this weekend was the first time RC's friend came to town. I could see RC being confused, perhaps afraid to trust Mal, and now being stuck between a very early new R, and the old desire for Mal. He very well may end up choosing Mal.

Nonetheless, Mal, he has said he wants to pursue this thing with J. You made it clear that you wanted him back, and you have shown him your sturdy friendship. Just don't press now. It's okay to continue to show him your friendship to see if he will come running back to you - he might, after all, you didn't think J was all that much competition. Just don't get stuck - live your life, keep your options open, don't get hung up.

[SunFunOne]

Nope - I must have missed that part.

Don't it always seem to go - you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

Mal - I just want you to be happy. Clearly you are not right now. But I believe things will work out for the best. We just don't know what that is right now.

Barb

[MAL]

Barb,
I posted a recap last night around 6:43 that might help explain the history a little more.

I don't hold any grudges or anger at RC at all. He has been and still is a really good guy and has never done anything to be mean or intentionally hurt me. Even during the break, we still kept in contact as friends, and it went just fine.

When my dad went in the hospital and he found out, he offered to come up to be with me while we waiting to figure out what was wrong. When he found out about some scary news from my doctor, he immediately reached out to me to offer support. He truly cares about me and my family. And because of that, he earned the right to be called my friend.

He doesn't have to be my best buddy, and I don't have to be in an EA with him like an OW. I need to find the boundary with that, and I know I will.

The situation we are in now was my doing. We could have continued being friends with him never knowing how I felt. I don't want to lose his friendship because I know it's a pretty strong connection and he will always be there in some manner. He is also close to my OS, and I am close with some of his family. I don't see that changing, regardless of what happens with us.

I just need to find a way to separate my heart from it as much as I can, and I feel like I can do that. It stinks, but as Andy said, it is what it is.

I am very happy at my church and have made some of my own friends there (not because of RC). Bible study and choir are on Wednesday nights and he doesn't attend those. All of these things bring me much joy.

His friend J lives 5 hours away so I know she won't be there on most Sundays (until they resolve the 5 hour distance thing). I just need to prepare myself for the Sundays when she is there.

She is also Mormon, a completely different faith. So until she converts, I don't thing she will be a regular member of our church family. And I don't see RC converting because he is born and raised Southern Baptist all the way.

The 5 hour distance and difference in faith all buys me more time to find a balance.

Eventually I will be moved on and I don't think the Sunday or church things will be as much an issue for me. It's just tough now because it's all new and my heart is wounded. I am pretty confident that it will be okay in time. I just need to work through it.

[MAL]

It's okay to continue to show him your friendship to see if he will come running back to you - he might, after all, you didn't think J was all that much competition. Just don't get stuck - live your life, keep your options open, don't get hung up.

Thanks Ellie.

I don't know that I am competent enough to say she isn't competition. RC isn't hung up on appearance. He is the kind of guy who looks at the inside, and I have no idea what her insides look like. lol

Just kidding. I guess I'm saying that she may be a good fit for him (if they can work out the 5 hour thing and the differences in religion). I don't really know her well enough to judge. She was there during a time when he was lonely and filled a void. Where that goes, only time will tell.

They could just have a strong connection and become friends only. Either way, I'm going to try to be his friend.

I will keep working on all the things you suggested....
Living Life
Keeping my options open
Avoid getting hung up
And keep working at this fitness thing I've been doing...if nothing else, I will be one hot chick! lol (totally kidding)

Time Time Time

[MAL]

Don't it always seem to go - you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

Ain't that the truth! Talk about regret and wanting to kick yourself in the backside!

And if I had the nerve to talk to him earlier, this might be a different situation.

But I can't go though life with regret. RC forgives me. God forgives me. Forgiving myself -- that's a whole other issue. I think that is one of the things that gets me the most and that will be a big part of my healing and moving forward -- something I need to fix in myself.

The rest is in God's hands. I'm looking forward to what I'll be posting a year from now, whatever it is.

[ANS]

Hi MAL,

I don't understand the "we'll always be friends" thing. Especially if you still love him. But that's me. My W once said we'll always be friends, but no more. Obviously, I don't understand that because she'll always be more than a friend to me.

I've also seen couples become "friends." It was generally very short lived.

But you're not me, and you're not these other people. If you can do it, more power to ya!

And maybe it's the best way to keep your options open. Detached but open.

[kml]

Actually, I am still excellent friends with all three of the men I dated since my divorce (prior to the current boyfriend).

Granted - two of those relationships had expiration dates from the start (too young). The first one, perhaps we wouldn't have ended up as close, except his son became very seriously ill just two days after he broke up with me, and they needed my help, so we HAD to communicate.

But the key thing, I think, for me, has been a willingness to just accept people and situations as they are, which I find does not lead to bitterness. If someone I love needs or wants something other than me - when we're in a non-committed dating relationship - so be it. We can still enjoy the friendship.

[MAL]

I feel the same as Ellie.

I know someone that I dated after the D. He is married now but we are still good friends. We don't see each other as much now, but we travel in different circles.

With RC, we will be in the same circles. I don't have to be his best bud, but I think we respect each other enough to be able to be around each other and talk. I honestly don't think that will change. If we begin traveling in different circles, then we won't see each other as much, and obviously the friendship will be more distant. I don't see that happening anytime soon.

That is why I know I need to find a balance.

I will always love him. But maybe someday that will be a different kind of love.

For now, friends but detached....ahhhh, the mystery I need to solve.

[SunFunOne]

Hey Mal,

I should have read your whole post but I just didn't have enough time. It explains a lot that I misunderstood.

I guess time will tell. And only you can figure out what your heart really wants and what Mal really needs.

I just wish you the best.

Barb

[MAL]

Hi everyone. I haven’t been around for several days, but mostly because I’ve been keeping busy and trying my best to move forward (with options, of course).

I’ve been getting in exercise (Rec Center, riding bike, or walking). I have church, Bible Study, and choir. I also went out with some friends on both Friday and Saturday night.

I will admit that I had some ‘stinkin thinkin” on Saturday which got me down a bit earlier in the day, but I kicked that to the curb later that day. Sometimes I reflect on past mistakes and wonder if I’m ever going to be able to have a normal relationship with someone, and when I do that, it gets me down. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but sometimes I am. Sometimes it seems like the scars from my divorce will always be there.

I thought about things in me I still need to work on, which are definitely true. And I made some commitments to myself to work on them. But then I turned it around and tried to focus on what I do have that is good. I know that are many things about me that would be valued in a relationship with someone. When I do that I feel more empowered and hopeful about God’s plans for the future. If I can get that to even out, I will be in a much better place long term

One of the focuses is on my physical health (including losing some weight). Some of that is on hold pending the tests last week (will know the results on one tomorrow). By the way, I hit 25 pounds lost last week. Yay!

Another one of the big things I’ve been working on is spending time with friends and making new friends. I know that YS will be going to college soon, and I will be facing an empty nest. A relationship with a guy is not going to fulfill all my needs. There are some needs that only friends can fill.

Friday night I met some friends from high school who were here visiting from Hawaii. We met some other high school friends for drinks and then met up at another local place for some karaoke. I had a great time, lots of laughs and some singing. We closed the place down, so Friday night was a late night. And goodness -- I enjoyed sleeping in on Saturday!!

YS was with his dad over the weekend and I had a lot of time for me on Saturday. I did some things around the house (in between the “stinkin thinkin”) and then met a friend (and a bunch of her friends) to listen to a local band later that night. I didn’t stay out too late though since I had church in the morning. I got home in time to do a quick review of my Sunday School lesson for the next day and practice the song we were singing in choir.

I didn’t really have contact with RC over the weekend (until church on Sunday). We do play Scrabble on Facebook, but I don’t count that as real contact. It just says that we are friendly to one another. We did have a brief text exchange on Thursday and he said he wouldn’t be at the Rec Center that night. Keeping the commitment to myself, I still went and took advantage of the alone time by riding the bike and listening to my tunes. I can’t do that when he is with me. Having the alone time at the Rec Center works out well since I can have a variety of activities when I’m there. It also gives me an opportunity to do more cardio.

I did see RC at church on Sunday, as usual, but I prepared myself for it. I prayed (of course) and asked for some clarity if I was being lead in any way. Maybe I prayed wrong or something, because I definitely got what I asked for….maybe too much! I don’t know if I should kick myself or just be happy with what things are in this new friendship state.

I’ll come back and post about that.

I hope everyone had a great weekend! Happy Monday to ya!