Together since we were 15.

[Sad_but_happy]

Sorry for the typo...

"You are setting a boundary based on HIS wants and HIS wishes"

[rickb89]

Jenna - don't let this guy use you. If there are definitely OW in the picture then let him decide the life he needs - single or with you, but in the meantime you should define the life you want for yourself.

You can still leave the road home to you paved and smooth for him. In other words you can calmly tell him that you want to lead a life in an exclusive relationship and family. If he can't do that then he's okay to go off and find what he needs to do. This is very scary stuff because I'm sure you cling to the ML sessions and his flirtateous comments as it still being a bond between you that you do not want to sacrifice.

I don't think anything good for you can come from him playing the field and having you whenever he wants. You're at another place in your life and deserve to live that way. You can let him go and I think your best chance of him maturing, and coming to terms with his adult responsibilities lie in that path. He will never figure anything out if he can come home and get comnfort whenever he wants. This guy needs to grow up. The most loving thing you can do for him, yourself and kids(?)is to let him go and find his own being.

Look, I'm a guy who was married young so I can give you some real insight into how the other half thinks and feels. Don't sell yourself short!!!

[Jenna333]

SBH- So true! I have to look at it that way from now on. He chose this, not me. I'm just respecting HIS choice without disrespecting myself.

Rick- Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. He says he's not seeing anyone and it's just casual talking, so I'm not sure if I'd consider it OW in the picture. I think I do, though, because he won't agree to be separated without seeing others. That tells me where his mind is.

What you said about clinging to the bond is exactly right. I feel like I'm sacrificing it by not going along with it. But I need to realize that that's not what I'm doing. He isn't serious about wanting to be with me, and honestly I need to love myself more than I have been. I shouldn't share my body/mind (he very much enjoys talking with me) with him when I want us to be exclusive and he doesn't.

[Sad_but_happy]

Hi Jenna,

I heard the greatest saying (more for a woman so here goes)...

"Conquer my mind and you can have my body, find my soul and I'm yours forever."


You deserve nothing less!

[Jenna333]

Thanks for sharing that with me, SBH

I'm feeling angry. I'm feeling like he gave up on us long before he made me aware of it and started getting interested in these other women. How could I have competed with them? Right now I feel like saying have fun finding out that the grass is not greener!

This feels weird to type out, but we we're both attractive people. I have family and friends telling me I could get any guy I want (that's not true) and that I will be happy again. For so long ex felt lucky to have landed me. He gets better looking as he ages. He knows it. I think he wants the attention. That just makes me so angry. We have a FAMILY. A 7 year old daughter and a 4 year old son! I almost hope I don't want him back when he comes crawling home.

Too bad this frame of mind never lasts long with me. It hurts less.

[Sad_but_happy]

When you get to indifference you will be done. It happens without realizing it. You wake up one morning and realize that you need to WAKE UP. That is where I am.


I hope he wakes up before you do. For his sake...

[Sad_but_happy]

BTW, I'm hoping you don't reach indifference. That you never reach it. Because it's also not a fun place.


Back to DB'ing.... Be pleasent, set boundaries and GAL.


Everything else will fall into place. Maybe not exactly how you want it to or how you thought it would. But how it SHOULD...


Good luck Jenna. You DO deserve more at this time. So give it to yourself.

[hoswald]

Jenna--

This... I don't know if you will even want to hear this--in fact, I'm sure you won't--but I married a woman I had been with since 15; we married at 21, and were together for 19 years, when she abruptly became bored, developed "extracurricular interests", and left. I was absolutely gutted.

I had always thought that marrying young, we had grown together, something others couldn't do. But I now feel that maybe that was a bad idea, that we were never fully ourselves and never really knew what we should have been seeking in a partner.

Now that she's gone... well, I'm still gutted. But I'm growing in a lot of ways I never would have with her around. So even if this doesn't work for you...

I'm feeling angry. I'm feeling like he gave up on us long before he made me aware of it and started getting interested in these other women. How could I have competed with them? Right now I feel like saying have fun finding out that the grass is not greener!

...this is exactly what happened to me. And she will find out the grass isn't greener, just as your lad will. I hope that yours works, because I want to believe in marriage, but even more, I hope that you will find happiness; and I'll bet you will.

[Jenna333]

He said he reached indifference with me when he left. I don't think that's true, though, considering he says he hopes we work out maybe in a couple of months. I think the thoughts of other women clouded his mind. We also both weren't happy, but we really could work through this. I have a feeling I'll get fed up before too long. I have so much love to give, and if he doesn't want to commit to me, I won't be miserable waiting around for him.

I read up on your sitch a few days ago, SBH. I worry that something like that will happen to us if he gets involved with anyone but then wants to come home. I was involved in an EA for years (as a teen) and ex could never forgive me for it. It caused a lot of issues. Maybe we really have gone through too much...

[Jenna333]

Thanks hoswald. I'm sorry that this has happened to you. We used to say we felt lucky to find each other so early in life and that we got to grow up together. It really hasn't been a positive thing, though. We never grew into our own people (especially me). We had no idea how to have a healthy relationship. It makes me sad that we now know better for next time if 'next time' isn't with each other, but I'm doing all that I can to better myself. If he doesn't want to come back and make his family whole, his loss.