Too little, Too late.

[sunshine76]

Hey Purgatory, that's great that your MIL is being so supportive of you. It sounds like your H is just not quite ready to sit down and talk to his mom about everything just yet. When he is ready to talk to her atleast you know that she will not be pushing him towards a divorce like alot of family members and friends will do.

I had to laugh when I read you comment about your H "needing space." I can't tell you how many times I heard that when my situation first started. What the hel! does "space" mean? If you need me to go away and be quiet for a week just tell me, but when you just say that you need "space" my mind starts coming up with all kinds of thoughts (none of which are positive).

I love roller coasters, but this ride suxs. I want my money back

[Harrier]

I love roller coasters, but this ride suxs. I want my money back

my favorite quote on this is something like - a occasional ride on a roller coaster can be thrilling, but to be chained for one for a lifetime would be a nightmare.

[purgatory]

I think this place should be called "DB Land, The unhappiest place on earth" Filled with roller coasters (that never seem to end), a hall of mirrors that let you see all aspects of your relationship, a maze that keeps you guessing at every turn and house of horrors which include: affairs, liars and manipulators.
That's my idea, send it to Disney! Ok, I'm in a rough spot and I needed to make myself laugh.

Over the past 2 days, I have seen a huge change in H and then have it taken away just as quick... (kinda long, hang in there please)
We were discussing our separation agreement and somethings were upsetting to me and I had to excuse myself because I knew I would cry. H came and found me and laid down next to me and apologized for how hard this is on me and that he never intended for the talk to upset me. (He hasn't shown concern for me in over 3 weeks, even though he has heard me having breakdowns... I saw this as a positive.) We talked a little more about the papers and I asked him not to sign anything before he's deployed for a year (it's just and extra slap in the face. I mean, can you get MORE separated than 3000 miles in between?!) He said that he at least wanted to get something in print about finances and the kids. He brought up the fact that I have threatened to take the kids away before (6 times to be exact), even going as far to pack suitcases and the car (here's where it gets weird...)

I don't remember any of this.
It freaked me out that he had a different version of our history... I really started to panic. He seemed genuinely concerned that I didn't remember these awful events. I lost it. I started crying and saying random things because my mind was racing... "I could never have said anything like that", "that wasn't me", "The crazy me caused all this destruction and now I have to pay the price", "what else don't I remember?"

Luckily, I had an IC appointment today so I was able to replay it with her. *I saw my H when he came to get the kids before my appointment, he lingered by my car and smiled when he said good-bye (little flutters in my heart)* My C was able to walk me through it and decided that I am suffering from 'fugue (sp?) states' where the brain blocks out events because of trauma. From her therapy standpoint, she feels that my post-pardum 'hormone hurricane' could have been enough to cause these events. I had a theory (and she said it was really promising) that my now known heart condition could contribute to these fugue states- because my heart doesn't re-oxginate the blood when it's stressed (or any high-heart rate)...so my brain would have been suffering from lack of oxygen when I'm screaming my head off.

I'm really weirded out by this new 'awakening'. I feel like the more I learn about what I don't remember, the more I realize how out of control I really was. I had always said that I felt like a battle in my head and that I didn't know who I was anymore (during my post-pardum). My H seems to be concerned. I told him that I was scared he would think I'm a crazy person and that I shouldn't be around the kids, and he said this is something that I couldn't have ever controlled and he wouldn't hold it against me... and yet he IS holding it against me because he's leaving me for what happened during those years. Grrrr

I really wish there was a way to get him to say: "ok. the crazy you was the mean one, show me the new you." That won't ever happen, but a girl can dream, right?
I'm more motivated to continue down this path to be happy with all that I have discovered about myself and show him and the rest of the family the 'new' me

AND on top of that drama... my H found out that he will be going to Afghanistan in July for 385 days. He actually wanted to talk with me about which job he should take over there- we made a pro and con list and his main concerns were which ones kept him close to the internet so he could communicate with me and the kids (I was pleased that he put my name in there too)... but now I feel like I have a deadline for my DBing. I can't see how I can 'show' him much of anything through the phone and webcam I know that my DB efforts will make me a much better person and mom, but it [censored] that he won't be around to see me be awesome.
Then he tells me that a friend offered to let him move into his house until July (this friend is married and a really good guy, so I'm glad it's not a single bar-hopping friend.) My H said he's not moving until Feb. Then he says:"well, what's the point then- I'll only be there for a few months until to July, so I don't know."
[WTF am I supposed to think?? He says he's moving out, then can't decided when or if he's really gonna do it]

A 2 day roller coaster... I won't demand my money back as long as someone makes it stop!!

[sunshine76]

Hey Purgatory, there's no doubt about it that your husband going to Afghanistan for a year really stinks! On a positive note I would take it as a compliment that your husband is not packing his bags right now and moving in with his friend. He must be noticing some changes in you which is why he is hesitating on moving.

I know that it seems like it will be impossible to DB via email and web cam, but I actually think it will work to your advantage. When communicating via email we have time to think about what we are going to say and how we are going to say it. It also gives us the opportunity to go back and edit what we wrote. Look at how many people meet and get married via online dating now a days. They are communicating mainly via email. I really think this will give you an opportunity to put your best foot forward and let your husband see that you are in fact changing.

It doesn't sound like you are getting off of this ride anytime soon (me either so don't feel bad) so we might as well get as comfortable as possible.

Hang in there!

[PERSEVERANCE]

Hi Purgatory,
Has your husband been to A-Stan before? Contracter or military? A year is a long time to be away from your family. It will give him a chance to really miss you and the kids... & an opportunity to cool off and evaluate what is truly important in life. Don't give up hope, let him move out without a fight and let him have his way. Sometimes "desiring" something is better than "having".... Once he moves out & heads to Afghanistan, he will miss you and maybe see that he was wrong. I'm a newbie, just passing on my 2 cents. Take care. I'm praying that we all find peace and happiness .
- I should be flying home to see my family tomorrow night- just finished demob'ing at a base down south after a year long tour in rural Afghanistan ... Excited to see my family but still nervous to see my W-

[seeking answers]

Purgatory,

Change your perspective on your H leaving for a year. This is your chance to really shine. Make changes that stick and figure out how to move forward.

Don't worry about your H not seeing your changes. Your children, just in their conversations with him, will let him know about your changes. Others that talk to him regularly will also let him know as they will see them too.

In your conversations with him don't tell him about your changes. Actions speak so much louder than words! Work on getting yourself stabilized and in a good place so that you can handle how ever your sitch turns out. You know what's happening to you health wise, now work with your doctor so that you control your emotions, so that you don't put yourself into the position for fugue states and losing control and memory of your actions. It is scary that you could get so angry that you would lose memory of what you said or did.

I'm glad you got help for the postpartum depression/psychosis symptoms.

Do not pressure your H to stay at home until he deploys. Let him work through that. You have some knowledge right now and knowledge is power. Start being the best person you can be, the one only a fool would leave. Keep in mind the DB principles when dealing with your H. Remember that how you conduct yourself will leave a bigger impression than any words. Maintain grace, honor and dignity in all that you do and how you handle whatever comes up. One thing that will definitely push him away further is to act needy, they see that as trying to control them to make them stay.

You have opportunities to turn this thing around, but it won't happen with tricks or magic, and it won't happen fast. As it took a long time to get to this position, it will take a long time of consistent change to convince your H that the changes are real and that M to you will be different from here on out.

Hang in there and work with your knowledge for a new and improved you. Those loving feelings are actually a choice not a feeling. Your H can choose whether those feelings for you return. You are on your way to being awesome!

[brenalim]

Don't think of July as a deadline. Check out DestinyUnknown's post in the Midlife Crisis thread. She did GAL while her H was overseas and it worked for them. It can work for you too.

Your new diagnosis is a great way for you to understand his perspective and for him to understand that this isn't the real you. Keep SHOWING him the changes. It takes time and patience... There are years of trauma to undo and it can't be done overnight.

Remember progress is progress. He hasn't moved out. You have a whole month to keep showing him the changes. Distract yourself from the negative thoughts so they don't consume you. I put together a LOT of puzzles. keep going to therapy, talk with friends and post here. You will survive this!

[purgatory]

I am so blessed to have people like ya'll to keep an eye on me. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and responding with such encouraging words

Sunshine: I like your theory on 'being able to edit' what I say and write to him while he's overseas. Since email/webcams will be few and far between, I need to make sure that they are the BEST as possible! I did have a tendency, during past deployments (the longest one being 9 months) to let him know what things were stressing me out back home with the house or kids... I learned the hard way that this doesn't make me or him feel any better. So, my 180 will be to be positive and happy during our few conversations

Perseverance: Thanks for finding me! I had been following your posts are you traveled home, glad to know you're almost there I figured if anyone would- you would understand what it's like to miss your family while over there. I'm hoping that he will finally get his 'space' (3000 miles away,haha!) and when he has down time, that he can reflect on what he really wants for his life. *My H is active duty Navy and will be doing a PRT in Afg. It counts as his GSA, so he shouldn't have to go back. He won't be allowed any RR time :(* Any ideas for what I can do to 'help' him cope while he's gone? He's never been gone longer that 9 months at a time and even then, we had phone calls 3 times a week and emails daily- so this will be new for both of us.

Seeking- I really appreciate your perspective. I am really trying to be ok with him moving out-if he chooses- before he deploys. It crushes me to think that he won't get to spend every minute with our boys before he leaves... but I think that he will realize how much he misses when he's gone. I've been trying to chant 'he can't miss anything until he's gone'... so I need to let him move out, without fussing. I have never had good patience and always tried to control situations (so that I couldn't get hurt), so my 180 is to hold my tongue and just let things take it's course. It took almost 9 years to get to this point... I guess it should take longer than 6 months to undo

Brenalim: thanks for the thread suggestion, I'm going to head over there as soon as I'm done typing "Progress is Progress", I really like this. I think I'll make a t-shirt! I have had a hard time finding distractions- I'm glad to hear that the negative thoughts consumed someone else. I have made a playlist on my ipod- all upbeat and fun songs- NO love songs (which was really hard to do) and I blast it in my house while cleaning, in the car and while I'm working out. I decided to do that after I started crying in a store that was playing Xmas songs, pathetic, huh? I am implementing a 180- do not dwell on the negative
thoughts.

I am so grateful that I have found this site and really feel blessed to find the support and encouragement that I've been needing

[PERSEVERANCE]

Hi Purgatory
Most bases and FOBs have Internet access ... Skype is a great way to stay in touch with the whole family. Sometimes r & r is more of a tease.... So difficult to come home for 2 weeks then say goodbye again.

[DestinyUnknown]

Hi Purgatory. Thank you for reading my posts. I want you to know that you are doing great. The most important thing ( that i have to keep in mind) is to GAL all the time. I know how hard it is to not focus your efforts on demonstrating changes to H or to not be around him for fear of losing him, but please GAL and do not make my mistake of pressuring H. When I GAL'd, i began to feel comfortable with me, I noticed changes in me - I felt better, I looked better, I interacted better with others. While my H was away for the first few months of his deployment, there was no contact with him for 4 months. When we did begin communicating via Skype, I was always calm and felt more comfortable than I ever had speaking with him and he did as well.

I encourage you to GAL; do fun things with the kids; do things to make YOU happy and that make YOU feel good about YOU.

The LBS in the MLC situations have a difficult job in facing their own demons and the reasons for the breakdown in the marriage itself.

I cannot tell you that it is not scary or difficult; but if you focus on yourself as everyone has said (and recently even re-introduced to me), you will begin to feel better about YOU. And hopefully, your H will see changes but the changes have to be lasting for YOU, not him. I made the mistake in bringing up the old issues from the past that is causing strife in our reconciliation.

Honey, I wish you the best. Be good to you and your kids; that kind of genuiness can benefit you.