Brand New here, my story, my ?'s

[Ichrus]

So I have not keep up much with posting or being involved on the boards, but have read almost daily and it has helped in my saga.

Felt the need to post/vent today.

This afternoon we have to tell our daughters (6yo and twin 4yos) that "sometimes adults change the way they feel and love each other, or they can't agree on things and so they decide they have to live apart and get divorced..."

I know I need to be strong, as calm as possible, present as much of a "united front" as possible, reinforce this is not their fault and they will always be loved and taken care of...I just feel like my mind and heart is in such a haze right now. Almost that drunk/head spinning type feeling where you are looking through your eyes like windows from the back of your head.

We have planned and prepared for this as best as we could (mostly me planning and making sure WAW read and learned what I looked up and was on board with the plan). WAW is really emotional and torn up about this part (and has said this is the thing she most dreads and would have been her only reason for staying anyway)...and I found it interesting to observe last night after we went over our "script" that she said she "hates that SHE is doing this to them"...making me think she is possibly acknowledging or accepting more of her role in getting us to this point.

I think I did well last night in not getting into it with WAW, but was just screaming out in my mind "you choose this path, I know I played my part in putting you on this path, and I wish I could have fixed a ton of things I did or did not do in the past...but you decided your R with OM was more important then even giving our M an honest effort and chance to fix...Your R to him, and your fear of losing him was more important then us and our kids"...but I did not say any of that.

I WILL be strong for my kids, and will provide them the sense of stability and love and comfort tonight and moving forward. I know my WAW is going to be am emotional mess tonight and I want to help counter that for them and for me. I also think I need to not see or speak with WAW tonight after kids go to bed...I don't think I am, or will be, in a place where anything good will come of that (would likely want to "stick it to her" a bit and would say some of the things above, or other things that I might regret later)...so as much as it might be a 180 to try to be there and supportive of her feeling horrible about the kids, I just don't know if I can do that tonight...might just have to see how it all goes down.

W starts moving out on Sunday and kids will have their first night at their "new" home on Tuesday (with me this weekend and we will be getting out of the house all day to not be around the move). In many ways I am glad she is going...we both need space and time and she needs to find whatever she needs by having life teach her some lessons...I guess I just really hate that we (really her) were not able to honestly try to fix/build a better relationship together (without OM in picture) before deciding we needed to take this step. I morn the loss of what "we might have been" of the life of comfort, security and happiness we could have provided for our kids together. I know we will all be OK coming out of this one way or another...and I am, and will continue to step it up to be the very best father and man I can be for my little ones and for myself...it is just going to be one of those days in life that forever sticks in your memory, and not in a good way.

So I really am going to need to "act as if" my arse off tonight for my kids, and as much as possible toward my W...and make the most of a horrible situation, talk, and evening.

I am not very religious or believing toward most organized religions...but am (and have become) somewhat more spiritual and do believe in a higher order and plan to the Universe...so with that in mind...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.

(I certainly will need the strength, serenity, patience and wisdom to get through tonight)

[Rick1963]

Whose idea is this? I don't think telling them is a good idea. Anyway you can avoid doing this? Is W adamant about it? If this is her idea, I will let her do all the telling and explaining and you should say nothing other than reassure the kids that you love them and that they will be safe. Do you have a L? If not u need one ASAP.

[Ichrus]

So tonight is the first night I am home alone and W is moved into her new apartment. Now there have been nights where she stayed at her parents, and she has sleep on the couch for the last week...but this is very different, more final in lots of ways. It is a quiet and somewhat surreal experience. I feel sad, angry, have moments of feeling resentful...there is also a small amount of peace or serenity too. It is comforting that my three little girls are asleep in the home with me, and we get to spend all day tomorrow together as well.

I feel I am cycling through emotions and feelings...there are times of being very angry and hurt (how could you be so naive to give up your family and not even try to work on us because of some OM whos reality is sure to be very different from the fantasy in your mind)...to interspection and some guilt (I know I was neglectful in our M too...was I so bad that I forced my W to feel she just had to get out at any cost...even hurting her kids, damaging her family relationships and going against her catholic upbringing)...to some calmer detachment and acceptance on some levels (the weeks and months ahead will teach us both major lessons about ourselves and where we want to take our lives moving forward...I know I have been changed by this, for the better through pain and truth, now is the time to know myself and make my own happiness, be a great example and lesson for my children).

I know this will be hard, and I have a long, tough path ahead...but I also know I will be ok, and could even create a fantastic life coming out of this for me and my girls...and a future partner. Maybe that partner will be my W, maybe someone new...time will tell.

I do still have raw, fresh feelings of bitterness and resentment...right now I very much want W and OM to have life and reality hit them hard and fast and for their fantasy to crash and burn. I want W to realize the cost of everything she is giving up is not worth what she is chasing. And I suppose one of my bigger, somewhat irrational fears is that W and OM build a great relationship and get married and are happy together. I know it is petty and sad and vindictive, and I would feel much better about W finding happiness with anyone besides OM too. Intellectually I know I need to drop the rope, not worry, focus or care so much about W (and certainly not care one whiff about OM) and just focus on finding myself again, GAL again, build my own happiness again...but emotionally it is just hard in this moment.

So we both will certainly have time and space now...we both will have some major time without kids to GAL and do whatever we want (an odd feeling to have after almost 12 years of marriage and 7 years of young children to care for nightly). I plan on getting back into competitive swimming, playing some more golf, reconnecting with old high school and college friends, and building better relationships with my family and with coworkers and new friends. I know wife plans on OM...and I so badly want to stick it to them with a "how does it work with you both being "good" Catholics and W and I still officially being married?" but I will bite my tongue and refrain from that bit of vindictive jab and really try to just let her go and let life teach them whatever they need to find out.

Just felt the need to get a lot of this out tonight...tomorrow is a new day with my girls and we all will have some challenging and interesting weeks ahead.

[peringo]

Ichrus, I feel for you, hopefully the grass won't be greener for too long. I'm at the same place in life...

[BeingMe]

My H never moved out of the marital home, but I can guess at how you must be feeling since he travels away from home a lot, sometimes a month at a time. And, I don't know what he does during those travels - perfect job for an A.

Good that you're letting all these feelings out ... the good, the bad, and the ugly. You will get through this, and once you're GAL, detaching, etc., you will find life can have some interesting hidden doors that you couldn't see with the marital problems in the way.

Have fun with the girls tomorrow.