Well didnt hear anything from the W all day today until 8:30 tnite. she asked via text if she could come over tmrw morning for breakfast w /us before the C appt. I said come on over. my nerves are ratcheting up a couple notches. Is She coming over t get a game plan/ all on the same page sorta thing or am i making something out of nothing. time will tell i guess.
W came over in the morning for an hour before appt. She talked about how she doesnt understand why I dont hate her and she thinks of me as her best friend and even though i dont show it she knows im still angry and hopes its not forever and that i can forgive her. she says she just doesnt like t be alone. She says she wants someone there in the morning and nite(I work for an airline so im gone 2 or 3 nites). I just listened and told her im rarely angry and i could never hate her. i think of her as my best friend and i have already forgiven her. she says i should be angry at her it would make me feel better. I said are you still angry at me and she said no but this was easier when she was.Right now she says she feels alot of guilt and remorse.
So we go to the C t talk about the kids and this C we both like right of the bat. 10 minutes into it he says" ive been doing this for 23 yrs and i have t say, i look at yall and you 2 dont seem like the normal couple getting the D r you sure you want t do this?" W tells him were best friends and love each other but alot has happened and then we give him a quick run down of the current sitch. He did a good job of a little talk about us and the switch to the kids. He tryed t tell the W that this R she is in is a fantasy. that neither one of them were or are being real t each other. that this was a big betrayal on OMs part and once a betrayer? W then defends him w he has been on his knees asking for forgiveness and that hes a christian. C say well if he was asking for forgiveness and believed himself a christian once he realized what he was doing was morally wrong he would have stopped. He told my wife that his actions on the situation is a giant red flag.
Anyways there was no ahha moment for her but she does want to see a IC so i hope that works out. i will probably see one aswell. He probably said 3 or 4 times i think you guys should reconsider but the W just shook her head.
When we left she said she liked the guy and wishes we would have seen him 5 yrs ago. then she brings up OM and i say i dont want t talk about it. she says yes he betrayed you but then again so did she. I told her at the time she was an emotional wreck at the bottom of the barrel and he knew this because he was being my shoulder.I said you had convinced yourself that i had someone else and you were trying t protect yourself. I say he took advantage of her, that hes an opportunist and someday she will realize it. she said "well i guess i was too". she went on about how hes sorry, treats her well and wants t marry her and doesnt drink anymore and so on. i just said i dont want t talk about him, i know his personality is fun and a good time but,his character is very flawed and that she didnt ruin a friendship(btw him and I) because that friendship was never gonna last. She said she had made an adult decision and she has to stick with it. she cant be that person who doubles back around? she wishes things were different but she made a decision. i told her you left our R because you felt trapped and now you feel trapped in ur new R. she gave me the little smirk that says its true. So much for not talkin about OM...
she then came into my place for 20min or so hung out w the kiddos then split for work. This is all so frustrating. I dont know if today was positive, negative, neutral, the start of a turn in the good or bad direction. she wants to see a IC now so I have to think thats good no matter what happens.
The rollercoaster continues...The W seemed like the C might of hit a chord with her. she asked the other day when i was getting the kids W "have u ever thought about moving away from here" L "where to?" W" I dont know some small coastal town somewhere" i just replied "huh" and went to go help the kids get ready. then about 15min later i was in a different room and she comes in W " you never answered my question" L "what question was that?" W "about moving away" L "sure ive thought about moving away from this town" W" where would u go?" L "I dont know" I left it at that.
she has texted the last couple days not saying she misses the kids now. she says i miss you guys. Another positive is she went and saw a IC 2 days ago.Now all of this sounds kinda positive But the OM is still very much in the picture. She still spends the whole time i have my kids w OM and alot of the time she does have the kids.
I know they have the whole day tmrw planned w my kids from sunrise beach service, to brunch party, to dinner at her grandparents. So it just blows my mind that she will make suggestions of running away t another town tgether with me but continues on w the OM and brings him around our kids. If that was a legitimate option/wish for her wouldnt she end the R with Om and try to work on us? I feel i shouldnt respond to any of that stuff until she ends it with the OM.Is she just putting the feelers out to see if im still there? does this still fall under standard script?maybe cake eating? i try not to listen/expect much from that kind of talk but how can you not. dinner at her grandparents... really.. that one hurt. I found out from Grandpas happy easter mass email that talked about who was coming to eat dinner with them. pretty much list my family and take out my name and enter OM name. that stung. im sure he didnt realize he was sending me a copy.
Up until tday i was having a decent week. went to the gym a few times, went offshore fishing, went to a friends bbq. had some good times w my kids.needed to vent. happy easter.
Been feeling down since sunday. The thought of my kids and W spending sunrise thru sunset w the OM on easter is pure pain even though i try to block it out of my mind w/ exercise and work.
I know people read my thread.. but not alot of comments. I could really use a hang in there or something. hope everyone out there is doing better.
how about thinking about the kids watching OM dressed in a bunny suit pooping out eggs trying to impress the kids...?
hate to say it man, but your kids will or will not like the OM based on the OM and does not mean that you will ever be replaced as their dad... the one and only... he is just some guy their mom is dating...
and when he gets drunk and stupid... when he's an idiot... when he's making their mom choose between him and them... your kids won't be real impressed... because they want your W to be happy... they want someone to be nice to their mom... ALL the time...
or maybe... just maybe... your kids see this guy as someone who stole their mom from their dad...
What memories did you make for the kids for easter?
Hey thanks KD for that visual . My job had me work on easter but the friday before we had a good time coloring eggs.
Apparently my D thru quite a few fits after school yesterday and even hit my W. She has thrown little fits before but nothing out of the ordinary 7 yr old girl range.
I wonder if it was caused by left over exhaustion from the day before or if she is starting to figure out OM is more than just a "friend" and acting out or maybe a bit of both.
My kids were 12 and 7ish when this began. Both have acted out in ways that kids do... but could certainly be pointed to the M breakdown being the root...
I've actually done some checking there, with my kids...
As much as it was important for me to leave, even though it hurt me a lot to do so... my kids do not understand why I left and they are angry at me for leaving...
On the other hand... I have found that my kids are also very angry at my W for things specifically relating to the breakdown of the M... things like, "I was mad at mom because all she ever said, right at the beginning, was that she was [insert word]." I can't remember the word right now... something like "stuck" or "confused" or something similar... basically that was all she said and never showed my kids that she was sad or upset and wanted to try to "fix" things... even though I understand that she did not want the kids to see her sad, because she wanted to be a "rock" for them...
So yes, the kids will act out... and the root cause will be the breakdown of the M... and they will lash out at your W... and they will lash out at you...
The reason my kids don't lash out at me so much, is likely because they are generally with my W and feel that she is a constant... they are likely worried about lashing out at me because they think if they do, I will leave them forever...
Your kids don't want to loose you forever... so they will defend you... especially in your presence...
So you coloured eggs with the kids on Good Friday? Awesome! Are there any other memories that you would like to create with them around easter, or was that good enough?
Also, find ways to create NEW rituals and customs and traditions for you and the kids. They don't have to actually be any specific, currently traditional dates...
You could say something like:
"OK, the third weekend of every May is going to be 'May Day' from here on in. We are going to get 10 trees on that friday, draw faces on the pots and paint the trees with biodegradable, yellow paint on Saturday, and then on Sunday, we will plant them, sing songs to the trees, and eat an ice cream sandwich in their honour..."
What ever you do, be creative and allow your kids to join in the development of the tradition. What ever the message and meaning might be... or even if there is no meaning or the meaning is specifically to have no meaning and just have fun...
The kids will NEVER forget that and are likely to cherish (although, with a raised eyebrow, questioning your sanity) those moments...
Thanks there KD for your post.One of the positives out of all this mess is my relationship with my kids. i actually have them pretty much half the time and sometimes maybe a little more.
since the W isnt around when i have them its just me interacting with them, like a single parent . our relationship in the past was good, i thought, but i would call it great now. In fact the W comments on it pretty often.
She assumed, i guess, that i would be a dead beat dad. She has commented many times that was one of the major reasons for all this is she believed that i wanted to be single and not be a part of the family.
I know im doing a good job with them and doing things to stay busy.i feel like all my strength lately comes from them. i can see and so can W that they always look forward to there time with me. this is something im very gratefull for. Thats why it stings so bad t have OM around them. I have no trust or respect for him and dont want my kids around him. I have no control over this i know.
