wife mlc? help

[Quorumof1]

This is a long post but I hope some of it is sinking in...and your words are useful for guidance...

[s][/s]
ANYHOW...what you need to digest is that the couples who successfully RECONCILE,

IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT (b/c I can't tell)

are the ones in which the LBSer bravely looks within to find their flaws and to change THEMSELVES...without any guarantee that they'll get their spouses back

but they will be better people.

IF YOU WANT TO RECONCILE....

THEN HERE IS WHAT MY DB COACH TOLD ME TO DO & much of it applies to your situation...

The goal is to

1) KEEP THE ROAD HOME, PAVED & SMOOTH (so don't make it harder to come back than it already would be)

2) Lose the anger, esp in front of your wife.

3) Applaud loudly for hte 1% positives She does...even when it's hard.

4) Do NOT bad mouth the OM. That just unites them, and is beneath you.

Be the better man, the better choice, w/o obsessing about them...

5) Be a man only a fool would leave.

6) Do NOT challenge her choices, b/c then you force her to defend those choices more, and that cements them in...

7) Demonstrate through your behavior & actions...

how YOU would be different in the marriage If you were to be given another chance.

That's the only way She'll believe marriage to you can be good.

8) Read the Five Love Languages as fast as you can.

I believe you still have a chance to turn this around.

Do you want to? Think hard about that....sometimes it's about "winning" as opposed to loving.

If this is your pride, then move on.

But know there is a fine but important line between self respect and false pride.

Many MANY people confuse them.

Those angry prideful LBSers say "show the WASs the consequences" or "teach the WAS a lesson"

and that is pride talking about taking punitive measures...not coming from a place of love.

It Never helps, it Always backfires. Shaming them fails, as it should.

I really hope for your kids sake and your wife's sake and yours

that you will try to turn this around by

working on YOU and YOURSELF...b/c

if she sees changes in you that she believes in,

you have a real chance of restoring the marriage into a beautiful thing.

Wow, this is some outstanding commentary. Very insightful. I will be reflecting on this for my own situation. I can only say that I wish I'd found this site a few years ago instead of now. But then I expect many here feel or have felt that way.

Q1

[lostadrift]

havent seen my kids since wed afternoon and i leave to go out of town to work tmrw for 3 days. debating whether i should ask W if i could come see them for a little bit tonight to say bye or should just stick to with my daily phone call?

[Cadet]

havent seen my kids since wed afternoon and i leave to go out of town to work tmrw for 3 days. debating whether i should ask W if i could come see them for a little bit tonight to say bye or should just stick to with my daily phone call?

Definitely go see your kids.
Why would you NOT do that?

Wild horses could not keep me from seeing MY children and being the BEST DAD that I could possibly be.

That has nothing to do with her IMHO.

[lostadrift]

thanks Cadet...Well I tried to setup a time this evening where i can see them but the W shot it down.Shes headin t the beach w/kids t hang out w/ OM. he lives across the street from the beach we would always hang out at.uugh sometimes i feel like things are starting to come around and other times like everything is slipping thru my fingers. this is the latter.

[lostadrift]

Yesterday i received this email from W.
Dearest Lost,

I have wanted to write a letter to you for such a long time. It's been like trying to think in a pool of molasses...the words just wouldn't come out. I have been unable to face the reality of what has happened to us up until now... and I am so sad about it all, I am still struggling for words. I was so frustrated, so alone, so hopeless, so desperate for change... I would have done anything those many months ago to try to stick together... would have even brought another baby into our lives to save us. Desperation causes people to think, say, and do all kinds of things that seem crazy, but when it's out of love for another, everything goes, you know? Somehow, though, the scorn that came about turned me in such an opposite direction, I ran as far and fast away from us as I possibly could. I ran until I was so far, I couldn't see you anymore, couldn't hear you, couldn't think of your face anymore without feeling the urge to run even faster and farther away. But the day came that I stopped,looked around me, and realized I had absolutely no idea where I was or what I was going to do about it. So I sat down. I have sat a long,long time, wondering about things like joy and pain and fulfillment and loss and friendship and hope and dreams and purpose.
At last I have come to the conclusion that I am going to be okay, you are going to be okay, and the kids will be okay because we are strong. I tend to be somewhat on the stubborn side from time to time, and I have decided this happened to us for a reason, though the pain makes it hard to accept it as a positive change. I have never hurt so badly in my life, and can imagine in my many nightmares how badly you have hurt. The choices I have made have made it impossible for me to ever go home, and I know it. The loss of home and family and friends has caused wounds so deep, they will never completely heal. I have realized that even though I lost the half of me that was you, the love we have shared is rooted so deep within my bones, it can never really be torn away. How could we end? But the answer is really that we never did, we changed, we are continuing on with our lives, we are growing despite ourselves. I want to be happy. I want you to be happy. I want to be free to make mistakes, or find our answers, or wander down paths we never were brave enough to take before. I will be your friend... I will have your back... I will always be here if you need me, because my dear, you are the best friend I have ever had in my life.
Never forget. Always remember. Move forward with hope.
Life continues for us all.

Love, W

I spoke with her briefly yest. I told her i got her letter and i really appreciated her sharing her feelings with me. that her feelings are important to me and i know sharing them with me is hard to do. i also complimented her writing skills and told her she should be a writer. other than that we made small pleasant talk about kids etc.

I have received text in the past that r kinda similar. Ive read this 20times, sometimes i see some positives and other times not so much. I found it interesting that she called being w/ me home. We both live now in seperate places from our house that we had to short sale after bomb. any input/ insight is greatly appreciated.
thx

[lostadrift]

well i know this is the hot hour and im on page three so i figure id give this a bump and hopefully get some input. some of yall should have a salary on here!

[adinva]

Hi Lost. I think you did a good job by not arguing the points of her letter. At some point I'd wonder if there's a way to show her that bridges can be built back, that it is possible to come back. What do you suppose causes her to think she can never come 'home'?

[lostadrift]

Well I'm not completely sure. I assume that either she feels I wouldn't be able to get over her R w om or she wouldn't be able t get over the guilt and remorse for all this. I think it's basically the thought of too much damage has been done to recover from. Ideas?

[lostadrift]

Just came back from picking up kids from W house. i went in with a smile and hugged the kids and scratched the dog. W came over and gave a big hug aswell. she had saved me a plate for dinner and it was tasty. i really focused on praising( prolly a little overkill) the positives from her. she was nice and smiled and gave me a few gazing looks. then she got kinda sad. so i asked whats wrong? she just said she was gonna miss the kids. i said i know what u mean. i then said if you wanta come over for a game night with the kids this week let me know. she didnt say anything so im thinking maybe i shouldnt of said that.anyways i cleaned my plate and got out there while the getting was good and left with another nice hug from W.

Now a little venting. when i was eating she asked me if i wanted a beer I and asked if she was gonna have one. She said na ill prolly have one later, so i said no thanks. Ofcourse in my mind im thinking shes not having that beer alone.... i know..i know but its hard t not think of things.

[lostadrift]

well a bit of a positive day yesterday. Early in the morning W calls. She says shes not really calling for a particular reason.She talks about how she misses the kids and i say again i know what you mean. She then starts asking me if i just act like i dont hate her because of the kids. i say no i could never hate you.

she says she doesnt understand, if our situation was reversed she would be devastated she says how do you stay so calm and cool? you should teach a class (if she only knew what a wreck i am most of the time huh).she said i guess thats a gift you have. I tell her shes gifted at alot of things. she said she doesnt feel that way that she feels like a bad person. she sounds sad and then says "i miss you guys". so i said again if you want to do a family game night let me know, she didnt say anything.

About a week ago she mentioned taking the kids to family counseling and said maybe it would be good for her too. So during the phone convo i told her i heard of a good C from a friend that was doing pre-marriage counseling and thought the guy was great plus said he did family couseling as well.she said that sounded good.that was about it for the phone call.

so yesterday afternoon I called the C and talked to him and he is pro-marriage and familiar w DB. he said the first session would be just me and W. I told him quickly of our sitch and what i want .

C said that in the first session he will talk about the ramifications of a D on kids and ask us if the D is definitley happening (whew that kinda makes me nervous).he says if it turns in to MC then he will put that hat on and go with it. If not then it becomes the kids and thats who he would be seeing for the next multiple sessions. So we have an appt tmrw at 9 and im starting t get nervous. told the W and she said she would be there at 9.