MLC?

[psalm46:10]

Haven't posted in a while, still trying to take in all the changes that are happening lately.

My dad drove down from NY for a week. He needed to get away as he is going through a divorce. H spent a lot of time with us over the week- went to a New Year's Eve party with the kids and I, spent time fixing some things around the house that have been neglected, and even spent time downstairs talking with us.

Monday evening both my kids were staying with friends for the last sleepover of Christmas break and I asked him if he would like to go out to dinner or to a movie. We actually did both. Dinner was pretty awkward as we have had very limited conversation over the past 4 months, but we managed without too much silence and even laughed a bit. We did talk about counseling. He said that he was excited for me to meet his counselor. Turns out he has been going weekly for the past few months- to a Christian counselor! We discussed the day/time that would work best with our schedules and he said he would set it up at his next appt. on Thursday.

The next day, I texted him and thanked him for a nice evening.

Last night he actually called me to say he was going to a basketball game with some friends. I though that was huge as he has not shared his whereabouts or plans for 4 months! He said that next week he was going to try to get tickets for all of us to go. When he came home he seemed sad, but did sit with me and watch tv for a bit before going up to his room.

This morning he came into my room before he left and said he was going to his counseling appointment.

I texted him a while later saying that I respected him for having the courage to go to counseling, and that I wanted him to find peace regardless of where our marriage ended up.

A couple hours later, he responded thanking me, and then actually apologized for all the hurt and pain he has caused! I was floored.

I am still so hesitant to think that this is going to work. We have such a long way to go, but I can't help but be a bit encouraged by his forward progress! I am keeping my expectations at zero and giving thanks for each small baby step!

[psalm46:10]

Prayers needed please! I have my first session with H's counselor tomorrow. She wants to meet with me alone before we meet together so I feel comfortable with her. Thank you!

[psalm46:10]

Still trying to deal with the mess that is MLC!
One day he talks to me, the next he doesn't. I made the mistake of getting myself sucked back in. Luckily, I recognized it quickly and was able to detach again.

So I met with his counselor last week. She said she was hopeful as he is the one who sought out counseling, and most men don't. She also told me that I was in for a long haul. Without giving me any detail, she said all I can do right now is to pray for H. He is stuck in his fear and shame.

We are meeting tonight for our first session as a couple. She scared me a bit when she talked about her plan, she said we would do a few sessions together, as he has some "things he needs to tell me." Please pray for strength for me to hear things that may not be pleasant, and to still have forgiveness in my heart.

Some days I feel it would be so much easier not to try, but to run like he is! One thing she did tell me was that I needed to stop being so hard on myself. As I was explaining to her how I have been trying so hard not to react to him, that I tend to take it out on and over-react toward my kids, she told me to give myself some grace. This situation stinks, and I don't have to handle it perfectly. Although in my eyes, anything less than the best is not good enough. And that is where God is showing me my faults. People don't expect me to be perfect, they expect me to be real. It is going to take some more work before I can get my head around that, but I'm willing to work!

I'm sure I will need to vent tomorrow after tonight's session!

[psalm46:10]

So we met with the counselor tonight. Session went well, or so I thought. We agreed to some ground rules, which H has already broken. Should I be surprised?!

We agreed that we would not discuss our issues outside of counseling, so that we felt safe to express ourselves.

No sooner did we get home, but he is outside on the phone with his female "friend" from work. He admitted to sharing the details of our session with her, but I am supposed to be ok with it because she is in her 60s and she is pro-marriage. Big deal! She is also the woman who calls my husband at all hours of the day/night to discuss her personal problems with him. He has not come to family things because he is out late at "work dinners" with her. And I'm supposed to be ok with him sharing our personal business with her?!

Ok, rant over. I emailed the counselor and told her that due to this incident, I don't feel comfortable sharing anything else with him knowing it was going to be relayed to her.

I went out for a run, and when I came back, he was on the phone again. I can hear bits and pieces as his room is right over mine. He had a very angry tone to his voice like this is my fault. Oh yeah, I forgot- everything is my fault!

Not sure how to proceed...

[job]

psalm,
You have to remember that mlcers do not follow rules, guidelines or boundaries very well. In fact, they are like children. If you tell them not to do something, it is almost always guaranteed that they will do it.

For now, try to ignore his behavior and continue to focus on you and your goals.

[psalm46:10]

Feeling very sad today. I am so lonely. I can be in a room full of people and still feel so alone. How does everyone else handle their lonely times? I try to distract myself by going and doing something but then the loneliness creeps back in. Ugh! What's even harder is that H is right upstairs. He has stopped coming down to hang out with me at all and just stays in his room. It is so hard!

[job]

We all have experienced the feeling of being "alone" in a room, but it takes time to get over that. You are still very new to this game called "MLC". One of the things that helped me overcome this feeling is that I learned to say over and over again, I am just as good as the rest of the people in this room and I have a lot to offer. I learned to put a smile on my face even when I was feeling sad and I "forced" myself to introduce myself to others and beat up conversations w/them. It's a huge step, but it was what I needed to do to get to the other side and learn to chat up people in my "single" state.

You will need to find projects or start some hobbies so that his "alone" time in his room doesn't disturb you as much. You need to learn not to depend on him to keep you company...this is your time to learn about yourself. Make a list of the things that you want to do, i.e., learn or complete and get started on them. You will find that the hobbies and projects will open doors for you to meet new people.

[AJM]

Hi Psalm. It takes a lot of time before you really "feel" better about things. It starts with acting as if. That helps to train yourself to feel better about things. Kind of like training to prepare for the real thing....

What we tend to do here is to help people break up the tasks of repairing themselves into smaller and more manageable/attainable pieces. Several of us come back to help just as we've been helped, so you can bet we know where you are in this journey - we've been there.

It gets better. The surprise and shock wear off. The perspective is regained. Happiness is had again and you'll figure out what you like and do not like. What you're comfortable with and not comfortable with. But it takes time and effort - keep at it, P. Keep at it even when you don't feel it. The low feelings are the temporary part; good things are waiting for you if you can let go of the current "junk" and have an open hand waiting for it.

Be at peace P. While it hurts, it is temporary. While it seems dark, you may find it's the best thing to ever happen in your life.


AJ

[AntoniaB]

I'm not read up on your sitch but read the few posts above about loneliness--just wanted to give you some tips.

I think distractions are helpful to a point. Especially productive distractions. I used to feel incredibly alone when it got to the weekend because I'd assume that everyone was doing something fun, something with someone, but me. And yes, you can even be doing something with people and feel "alone", which really is just a form of feeling self-conscious that you're going through something really rough and probably putting on a brave face, and that can make you feel isolated too.

So I would do certain things that were productive--a big thing for me early on was driving out of town to a used book store and getting a bunch of books. Then I'd go to this place and get lunch alone--but I'd read one of my new books during my lunch. I'd take the books home later and have new things to distract myself with, and I'd figure well, at least I'm becoming smarter when I'm alone :-)

Now, I associate that time of eating out alone with a book as "me" time and I really have grown to look forward to those occasions and not think of them as distractions but desires.

So developing some sort of list of "things to do" when you feel the loneliness coming on is helpful. Think of these things as healing rituals.

But the other side of the coin is that it can also be instructive and helpful to your growth if you walk straight on into that loneliness and face it head-on and not try to distract yourself. This can be tough to do, but I think in the end you feel better. What I started to do (and this was on the advice of my doctor) was to confront the loneliness by journaling when I felt it coming, and just sort of freewrite and talk out why I felt lonely or sad or what I was feeling, to see if I could learn something from the way I felt. SURE, I'd sit there bawling my eyes out doing it. But inevitably it would turn into a cathartic experience. I'd eventually cry it out, and I'd eventually just calm down, and it would pass, and I'd feel better that I let it out and confronted the way I felt directly.

I think eventually you will find a balance between distraction and confrontation.

And I agree with AJ...with every passing week, I feel more and more like what happened to me was the worst and best thing to ever happen to me, and you will get there in time.

[psalm46:10]

Thanks everyone. I guess the stress of this roller coaster is getting to me. And then that he is the one saying he wants to work things out, and then he is the one hiding again. I know he is very confused but frankly I am just feeling like I could care less, and that he is just plain being mean!

I have been doing a good job at staying busy, I joined a softball team, I am in 2 Bible study groups, and I have 2 kids that keep me busy. I'm trying to find the balance between being gone, and being available to my kids. One day at a time.

Antonia- My counselor and I have discussed facing my feelings head on as well. I tend not to, and just pretend everything is ok. I am working to identify the emotion, and where its coming from before I move on. I need to journal more!