Is my Head in the Sand?

[labug]

Hi All,

I’ve been lurking here on and off for 6-7mos. While I’ve received support from reading other’s situations, I now would like some input on mine. I have some very good friends who have been with me throughout this but they really just don’t get why I’m still in the marriage. Sometimes I don’t either.

My story is like so many others here. We’ve been married 33 years, together 36. Yes, HS sweethearts. We have 2 sons, both in college, the older is 22, younger almost 19. No difficult issues with them, for that I am so grateful. They are becoming fine young men.

I’ve always been the main breadwinner in the family and that was fine. We’ve never had a lot but never needed a lot. H went to college but quit a few credits shy of graduation…hmmmm. He has also had several different jobs through the years but nothing really stuck and he never wanted to move up. It was always near minimum wage stuff but, I filled in the gaps. That’s been my role, filling in the gaps. He took over being the stay-at-home parent at one point and did a very good job at that and has a great relationship with our sons. Most people would describe him as a nice guy. He likes to describe himself as being stubborn, like that’s a good thing.

He had a problem with alcohol for several years, he was a drink a bunch of beer and pass out guy. Never verbally or physically abusive. When the boys and I could no longer tolerate this, I went to him and said “you need to get help or find another place to live.” He quit drinking, refused AA or counseling, attended SMART recovery for a few weeks and decided that wasn’t for him. I thought our lives would be rosy then.

Wrong! Because we didn’t deal with the issues around the drinking. I always took care of things, filled in the gaps, smoothed things over and as so often happens, I became angry, resentful, unhappy, depressed. Can you say codependent? He became more emotionally unavailable, shut down, unable to tell me what he liked or didn’t like in the marriage (other than not enough sex). He would just go along to get along.

We began to lead parallel lives as the boys were in their teens. During this time we built what was supposed to be our house to retire in. And when I say built, I mean we built it with a only the bigger jobs contracted out. H did 75% of it himself and he wanted to do this. We’d built before and I didn’t want to go through the stress again but supported him as it seemed so important to him. We now have a beautiful, small home in which I live. He lives in our 24’ Airstream trailer in a camping “resort” about 7 miles away.

So now for a timeline of the break-up. In 2008 I moved my Mom 1800 miles from a care home in her hometown to live near me in another carehome. She was wheelchair bound and needed full care due to a stroke. This was a bad move as it added to my stress and my depression. H had no opinion, at least not that he offered, on this move.

Dec 2008, things are rocky between H and I. I work and spend a lot of time in my room. I’m more depressed but really don’t see it as that, I think I’m just unhappy with my job so I change jobs. Things improve a bit. Nov 2009 we have an argument (something silly) and he utters the “I don’t love you, I haven’t loved you in a long time and I don’t think I can ever love you again,” line. I’m devastated and feel that I need to move out at least to clear my head and hoping that it will clear his.

So I move out for a week and we talk, I cry, plead, you know the drill. We decide to give it a chance. I start counseling (I’ve been seeing the same person weekly, since) which has been tremendously helpful. I worked on every aspect of my self, more sex, more talking, more fun. Things seem to be improving. My mom died in Feb of 2010 and he was right by my side helping me with everything. I couldn’t have gotten through it as easily without him and I let him know that he was my rock.

Things go along and I still struggle with the depression but I am getting a handle on it. It just takes time. In Jan of 2011 I went on a 10 day medical mission trip to Honduras and when I returned I sensed a difference in H. I came down with a nasty virus and was really sick for a couple of weeks and by then it was the anniversary of mom’s death and within a few weeks her birthday. Let’s just say it was a perfect storm. On March 15, we had another silly little argument about money (I can’t really call it an argument because he doesn’t argue, he just shuts down when things get difficult) and the old “I don’t love you…I’m done!” comes out again. I came back in anger,” Then you leave this time.” And he did, on mom’s birthday, Mar 17. He has let me know that I controlled everything, I was always angry and I was mean. He’s right about some of that but I cleaned my side of the street.

Of course I did all the no-nos. Called, cried, begged, guilted, pleaded, apologized, booty-called But that was all the first week.

He’s been gone since and I’ve seen him a total of 5 times. I find it interesting that he still wears his wedding band. He has never contacted me, I always have to initiate contact. There are house issues, son’s schooling issues, money issues, etc. We have not talked R since about a week after he left and I met with him to make amends and ask if divorce was in his plan and when. His response: “I’m not thinking that way at all.” That was 9 mos ago. In those months he’s given me less than $2000 total and that was for car insurance and groceries. The boys are on his health insurance. He pays nothing else. Yes, I am that stupid. Obviously, this is not a legal separation.

When we told the boys we were separating, they both asked it we’d done everything to try and work it out. One asked: “How about counseling?” H: “I don’t need counseling,” said with a self-satisfied smirk.

I don’t want to confront him because then I’m afraid he’ll really leave but I’m not quite sure how he could be any more gone!

labug

[grebjack]

If your head is in the sand, so is mine, I think. But I think the more important response is what were you hoping to hear? If you're feeling foolish for letting him contribute so little since the split, and you want a community that will cheer you on while you fight for your marriage when the rest of the world says move on, you can find that here. If you are done and looking for someone to ratify that decision for you, you will find supportive listeners for your recovery here, too. But I don't think any of us has either the right or the knowledge to tell you which choice you should make - only you can decide that.

So I'd encourage you to think about what answer you hoped to hear, and take that as your answer. And to ask yourself what your husband's version of the story is. That may be hard, as it sounds like you have one of those partners who shuts down rather than telling you what he's feeling (me, too), but there is still a lot to be learned by watching what he does. What would happen if you invited him to join some holiday festivity with your and your sons? Would it matter if the event were on neutral ground (i.e. not the house that he left)?

Best wishes,

Rebecca

[labug]

Great questions, grebjack. My main issue at this point is/was the money and how to handle that in a DB way. I have wanted to save my marriage and have been DBing along. But in writing my story, something I haven't taken the time to do before, I may have answered my own internal, unspoken question.

Thanks.

[labug]

The next step was to create some boundaries. I had to look at what was acceptable for me financially at this point and communicate that to him. I've drafted that and am now sitting with it for a while. I've learned that it's better not to let emotion rule my head but to pause and think.

I have always been the rescuer, the fixer. A 180 for me is stepping out of that role, knowing where my responsibility ends and another's begins. This is uncomfortable territory for me.

[labug]

GAl

I have always had difficulty with fun activities or other things that are "just for me." I was raised in an atmosphere of scarcity, so felt guilty spending money on me. (guilt and shame, huge motivators-?demotivators for me)

I'm working to get over that flaw.
-yoga, am and pm
-meditation
-riding my bike more, avg 7-10m 3-4x/wk
-going to movies by myself (daunting at first, but now fun)
-decreasing interactions with people who suck the life out of me
-saying no to things I don't want to do
-saying yes to things I want to do/try
-volunteering
-my meetings
-right after the bomb, I joined online weight watchers for 3 months. I'm a comfort eater and knew I would balloon if I didn't do something. I lost 20lbs and have kept it off!

The most helpful thing for me has been (remember I mentioned guilt earlier) to stop beating myself up for things. If I don't ride my bike 4x/wk, I let it go. If I skip yoga one morning, I let it go. If I need to ignore the phone, read a book and not talk to anyone for 24 hours, I let it go. I don't want these things that I enjoy to become drudgery. It's about making conscious choices instead of just reacting and feeling guilty.

[labug]

Journaling:
S19 and I went to visit S22 and celebrate my birthday (12/7). We windowshopped among the Christmas shoppers and then had a great sushi dinner. After dinner we bowled, which is always good for a few laughs.

It was a great day, tinged with a little sadness that someone was missing. But it's not as painful as it was a few months ago.

[labug]

I had another realization yesterday...I've always carried a lot of anger which led to resentments. I played the rescuer, the fixer, and yes, sometimes the martyr, always seeking the approval and praise of others. When they didn't respond the way I wanted, the resentment came and I cared for, fed and nurtured it. I blamed others for my anger, "Couldn't they see how I had sacrificed for them? How I had fixed things for them?" Needless to say, they didn't ask for my sacrificing or fixing.

Why didn't I let go of this? Because to let go of that comfortable place of allowing those external forces control me, of being able to blame others for my situation was scary. Moving forward meant I was in control of only me, I had to step up to the plate for ME.

[labug]

Wow, I just read in an old thread:

It's been said that it takes one month of solid DBing/GALing/PMAing for every year that you've been married, in order to begin to effect change.

That's a sobering thought.

[dbmod]

^

[labug]

Hey, I'm live in realtime! Thanks dbmod.