My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 6. Two months ago I was incredibly stressed from work and probably distant and detached for about a week. One Friday night she crawled into bed and said "we need to see a counselor". Already being on edge from work, I didn't respond well. I told her I didn't want to go, didn't know what she wanted to get out of it, and that just escalated the argument. She said she didn't like the person she was turning into (which I didn't understand). Out of exhaustion, frustration and anger I said "If I am making your life WORSE instead of BETTER" then leave. In my heart I didn't mean it, and if I could take those words back I would.
She slept on the couch that night and in the morning stated that she wanted a divorce. I was stunned. She said that she had been trying to tell me she was unhappy for about a year and I just didn't get the signals. We have a 19 month old baby and for months I had been telling her that these have been some of the happiest days of my life, being her husband, being a new father....I was overcome with joy and happiness. Her response when I would tell her this was always "why can't I see that in you?" - I had no answer for that. As she was stating she wanted a divorce she said things like "we are incompatible", "we want different things out of life", "there is no love in this house", "living with you is like having a boss", "you nit pick me from the time you get home until the time you go to bed", and so on. I was completely stunned by all of this. We certainly had our disagreements, but there was never anything indicating that she was unhappy to the point of divorce. The word "divorce" never even came out of her mouth. My heart was broken, and my life felt shattered.
I was able to get her to go to a marriage counselor (by this time she had already retained an attorney). She went with the desire of learning how we can "co-parent", I went with the desire of figuring out if this divorce even needed to happen. The counselor was very unbiased and listened to both of us closely. She believe that we BOTH had good points and ultimately concluded (and I am paraphrasing here) that nothing that we were experiencing was out of the norm and we were plagued with communication problems. We returned for individual sessions - she went first. When I arrived for mine, the counselor told me that in her individual session she seemed intent upon ending the marriage. I was crushed. I went home, told my wife that I loved her, our son and our family and was not willing to give up. She told me that I was being selfish because that was only taking into consideration what I wanted.
Over the ensuing weeks, we lived together but apart. I stayed in the master bedroom and she stayed in a guest room. We would both spend time with the baby by ourselves - not together at all. Her work schedule allowed her to spend Wednesday, Thursday and Friday with the baby. Friday evenings she would go to her sister's home and I would have the baby Friday evening, Saturday and most of Sunday. Sunday afternoon she would return and we would go back to living under the same roof - estranged. I missed her terribly even though she was in the house. We didn't speak much at all. I had lost by best friend, support pillar and partner. By heart broke for my son. On two occasions I left her flowers and a letter. She actually said "thank you" for the second letter and flowers....I thought that maybe I had broken some of the ice. Nope. Later that week she informed me that she had found a condo and was moving out at the end of the week. Again, I was crushed.
She moved out last Friday and took some of our belongings with her. In the days leading up to her departure, she just seemed so angry at me. If I objected to her taking something from the house, I would get a letter from her attorney. It was unreal - like I was living someone else's life. I came home that Friday to a home that was empty of some furniture and completely void of the love that my wife and family brought into my life. I am not too proud to admit that I sat in the house and cried.
We are working on getting to a temporary custody schedule while the wheels of divorce begin to spin (I received papers two weeks after she said she wanted out). I have retained and attorney out of necessity, but he knows I do not want a divorce. Thus far, our interactions have been limited and business oriented. I can tell through the tone that she is angry with me, or just plain irritated. Part of me wants to believe it's because life on her own for the last week has not been "great". But who knows. I have tried sending her encourage texts, just to be friendly but they are either met with no response or some business oriented like "I need a bed for our son!". I am under the impression that I should probably just leave her alone for awhile as I am now reading TDR.
I love her tremendously, and I miss everything about her every single day - even the stuff that drove me nuts. But I especially miss me, her and our baby playing together and spending time - it is a soul-depleting loss. I want her back, and have gone the last mile to make that happen and I have failed. I need hope, encouragement and advice. Right now, I know she wants nothing more than to be done with me - her level of anger is pretty high. I hope that it passes. I hope that she will eventually miss me. I hope that I can save our marriage. I say "I" because right now she has zero interest.
Background: We tried for a year to get pregnant and failed. We then suffered through four failed fertility procedures and the 5th one resulted in our beautiful baby boy. I can't help but think that that added to the collective stress and communication problems in our relationship. As I adjusted to being a new father, she was always intimating that she was ready for #2 and I never fully reciprocated. I DO want another child, but was afraid to really make that known because I felt the pressure to make a baby again would be on and I just didn't want it. I think she viewed that as me saying "no second child" - that added to her desire to leave. It is also important to note that she suffers from depression and has been on antidepressants during most of the time I have known her.
It would appear that I am dealing with a WAW that has already moved out. Her walls are up and she is not letting me through them. Again, it has only been two months so maybe it is still early. The book gives me hope, but I am struggling to get things to work while communication is still limited (mostly one line texts) and she has moved out. Being without our son hurts us both, but he is currently the "glue" that gives us any interaction at all. This week she asked me to take him to the pediatrician for her so she wouldn't miss work (she just started a new job), it seems she still needs or wants me as a back-up to cover her in times of need - but I don't know if that it right or wrong for me to do. Ultimately, I want her back....I want my family back, so I am trying to be selfless but not a doormat.
Is there hope? What to do....What not to do.....how can I save a marriage with a wife that shows no interests in working things out right now......there are so many questions and so few answers. Thanks, all - I appreciate any and all help.
Welcome to the DB board. Newcomers have their initial posts monitored for a little while, so don't be discouraged if they seem slow showing up on the board.
Have you read Michele's book, The Divorce Remedy? If not, get that and study it. That information is the platform for this board's advice in helping each other through these times.
You will find a lot of support here. I hope you will post often and keep us updated.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I handled the doctor situation without a problem. I just focused on what was best for my son. I guess I just felt as if she wanted me to fall on the grenade for her so she wouldn't have to. In a sense, I felt that those are the types of consequences she'd have to live with after making the decision to separate/D. I'm learning.
Gabby - our whole time together I felt I was making her an equal. I never implied that ANYTHING in the hose was her "job" at all. That said, perhaps in the manner in which I said or did things she could have read things that way - but in was never in my head or heart. I think she thought that everything needed to be perfect for me or I would be angry - and that wasn't the case either. Notwithstanding, I can acknowledge her feelings.
I have thought a lot about the reasons she said she wants a D, and I think so many of them have to do with poor communication - which I will take the blame for.
She has been gone a week now, and I am doing my best to work on my 180s as well as the last resort technique. Problem is, with her being away and only seeing each other during custody exchanges, it's hard to know if she would even notice anything.
I think that the time away from the baby is starting to hit her, also. She has had to go back to work full time and we alternate weekends - that is a MAJOR decline in the amount of time she had with him. The time away hits me, too.
The Divorce Remedy has been a lot of help/hope in me getting my head together. I have stopped pleading, writing notes, etc. and I am trying to put forth the best, most positive "me" I can when we interact (text or otherwise). It's hard to do because my heart is killing me, but I am sticking to it.
Right now since the move-out is still so new, I think she is just still angry with me and has no real desire to talk, which I understand. How do I act in this period? I have made some attitude changes, but will she ever see them?
From what the majority of LBH's say in their posts here on the board, they are really scared that the WAW will not see the changes when the only time they see the LBH is when the children are exchanged.
It takes time for her to get her head on straight. The LBH cannot put it on for her. A lot of getting her head on straight comes from the reality of her decisions. (Example: missing the baby)
When you are out of the picture at the point she gets smacked with these reality moments, then she doesn't have you as her handy target to throw darts at.
I really believe she has to experience time without you in her life (as you once were) in order for her to see how life will be divorced.
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How do I act in this period?
How would you act toward anyone who wasn't your W? That's how you do it. I also think you should be nice, mannerly, manly, appear very well groomed (always have a fresh haircut...maybe new shirt), new cologne, have a upbeat attitude (even though your heart is breaking)and don't linger trying to spend more time around her.
Now you think that's not enough time for her to notice your 180's. But she will notice these other things I listed. You would be surprised how much a woman can gleam in a few moments.
The point is that you take these small moments and allow her to see only the very best side of you. You do not show your emotional side. You do not show a possessive side. Remember, you treat her like you would treat a distant relative or a co-worker.
What are your short term goals?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks so much, Sandi!! I appreciate the feedback - and I really need it, too. My short term goals are:
1.) Have exchanges periodically with her via text that are not negative 2.) Have her notice ANY difference in me at all 3.) Exercise enough discipline to limit conversations (text, mostly) 4.) Get out and LIVE and see if she notices
Are those good? I read that part of the book and struggled to come up with the type of goals they were suggesting.
Yes, I think those are good goals. Goal setting is not easy for some people. So, okay let's see if we can break these down a little bit more.
1.) Have exchanges periodically with her via text that are not negative
How much do you text her now? It is difficult to keep things upbeat once lawyers enter the picture. My suggestion is to make positive statements regarding your son. Start with that. As you think about things from time to time, jot it down so you'll remember in case your brain dries up.
2.) Have her notice ANY difference in me at all
That one will be a challenge since your contact will be limited, especially visual contact. As with most, you feel anxious about her noticing, and b/c you feel time is escaping before you have a fair chance to prove yourself. But if you focus on changing back to the man you once were (or better), it will show in your communication and she'll hear from others also. Bear in mind that the main thing is to make life-long changes, and for your sake......and the rest will follow.
3.) Exercise enough discipline to limit conversations (text, mostly)
My suggest is to set your watch (if it has a timer) to keep yourself aware of the length of time you've spent communicating, if it's by TM or voice. If by email, etc., you may give yourself a certain amount of lines to write and then close. I think your hardest part will be in "responding" to her text. Allow yourself no more than three responses at one time. When you begin to have more control....then cut it back to two responses at one time. That includes one word TM's.
4.) Get out and LIVE and see if she notices
The big part is getting out and living! In order to do that, you need to start with an activity calendar. Write in something for every day you don't have your son. Don't spend it all with your relatives. Make it about you and what makes you feel good. Also, during the holiday season, reach out to help those who are in real need and you see a way to help other than just giving money to a cause.
What's going on around town that you would be interested in?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Once again - thank you so much Sandi (and Harrier!). You are both right. I know that making the changes are good for me - especially considering that she has moved out. However, the line turns a bit grey once I factor in the fact that one of her complaints has been "you are too plugged in and don't get out enough". Hence, I want to make that a 180 - and I SHOULD make that a 180, but I also don't want it to go fully unnoticed.
Sandi - you are very right that it is hard to stay upbeat when a lawyer enters the picture. However, I find that I can put the lawyer out of my head as long as I don't hear from him. Hence, I have been intentionally positive and upbeat in my text messages (even though it is a big "as if"). That has kept them mostly neutral to slightly positive. I even dared to make a joke in one today.
As for frequency, I try not to be the first to text. I cast that rule aside for things that have to do with our son (which is the subject of most of our texts). And again, I try to be very positive and let her know what our son and I are up to when we are together.
I have another post regarding "progress" that I would love for you to review and get your input on - thus far no one has remarked.
