My mother in law does not like me. I am too weird for her. The only thing we have in common is we love my H and we are both oppinionated women. Other wise she is a business minded, feminist, claims to be a christian but not sure about that, who seeks earthly treasure. I am a creative, old fashioned, conservative christian, who does not care much about status or money. We have never had a relationship and always butted heads but we agreed to disagree and had 2000 miles between us.
3 years ago I told my husband we could move closer to her if he wanted and we did. She helped us get on our feet there. She ended up investing in a lot of houses to eventually sell to us family members. In the end things did not work out $$$ wise for us and she basically threw us out of the house. She also never treated her grandchildren like they were much more than a nuisance. But I kept on trying. I ended up giving up on a business idea because it was not feasable and she started to hate me. We did not speak for months. I also think she is embarassed because her son is poor and she blames me because I am a homemaker.
Well now I find out about this EA and she is promoting it! She is buddy buddy with OW on facebook. I think she was (or is) trying to take my husband and OW on a cruise this month with her and some other family members. I tried to be the bigger woman and apologize to her and build a bridge between us. She refused my apology and told me I would never change, I destroyed my marriage, and I should just move on!!!!
What do I do? I just can not believe she cares so little about her grandchildren that she would have them devastated by divorce and encouraging her son to move thousands of miles from them. I can't believe she is trying to push my H to the OW. I don't know how my husband can think she has his best interest at heart when she threw us on the streets and hates me. I honestly do not think that my husband can move on and try to work things out with me fully with his mother promoting the OW. I think one of the big things is that she tells him not to trust me or the changes I have made because I won't stick to them. I wish I could just make my husband understand that the changes are going to stick because my marriage is too important to me to not keep up with them.
good thing you are not married to your mil! So why is this post about HER, and not about you and your marriage and your husband?
Why did your h have an EA to begin with? Why'd You want to live closer to your mil?
What's it mean when you say it didn't work out financially and she kicked you out of the house? Did you guys pay rent or not?
The "Christian" comments you make are a huge turn off for me b/c although I'm a believer, when I hear it said with contempt about another person, I think there is hypocrisy, and self righteousness around. Don't judge her faith. Don't judge her at all. You don't have to prove anything to us!
But I'm guessing that attitude has not helped you but has gotten you here, along with whatever else you are leaving out of the post.
You have to open up more bravely for us to help.
I mean, how can we possibly advise you about your marriage,
when all we know is your mil is a strong minded woman with a career, and you are a strong minded homemaker? Personally I can't stand it when career women mock homemakers OR homemakers mock career women.
Don't we females have it hard enough dealing with sexist men in the world? Must we backstab each other too?
Obviously there's a lot more to your conflict than those factors.
But like I said, where is your h in all this?
what did HE SAY about YOU or your flaws or what he wishes you would change?
Have you changed those things? How? Have you read the Div Busting or Div Remedy Books at all? You need to do that asap so you can understand where we are coming from on this site.
We don't advise you on how to change your h (or his mother for that matter)
we only advise the partner posting here....ie YOU.
What is it you are working to change in YOU so that by definition, your relationships with others also change?
FYI my r with my mil was horrible for a third of our m. She was mentally ill, from a very different culture, she hated my faith and the fact that I had a career w/our first kids.
Then when I stayed at home with our 3rd child and quit my job, she hated THAT! I could not win. So I stopped battling...made things much easier.
what is is you want to change in you? That's where we may be able to help.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I did not ask how to change MIL, I was asking what I could do about the situation. Nor was I judging her in a bad way. I was simply explaining our differences, we have VERY different world views. As for the christian part she says she is a christian,BUT how many true christians would tell their son to abandon their children, move a thousand miles from them, and pursue an affair? If that is christian, well I am afraid I might need to examine my faith!
I have addressed EVERY issue and fault my husband had against me. I am doing back flips to save my marriage. Everything he complained of was very superficial, and I have rectifyed everything. In fact he tells the pastor who counsels us that every time. The only thing I have ever done to my MIL is not agree with her view points and stand up for my beliefs. Like I said I also stopped pursuing a business because it was not feasable and she got mad at me. I was trying to start a home daycare but the market in the area was over saturated so I stopped taking the classes, etc. She saw it as me not sticking to anything. She booted us from the house because when we got it our income was higher. We were struggling to keep up with everything. Another family member offered to take the house over and she told us we needed to move. The other family member ran into the same problem and they had to move too. It was just a bad idea to mix family and business, especially in this bad economy. My H has defended me from his momther for years but he stopped when his affair started. Up until the affair everything was ok although our marriage was not great because we were not maintaining it. When the affair started that is when he suddenly stopped "loving" me. It was your text book "I am having a bad week with my spouse and so are you lets talk about it" emotional affairs.
I just don't know how to deal with MIL and her promoting the affair? There is probably nothing I can do. My husband will not tell her to back off and let us figure this out or defend me because he says he still does not know what he is going to do. He says I have made great changes that please him but he seems to have to hide that from his family and friends. She is the boss plain and simple and he is not going to rock the boat.
am I missing something? Is there another thread of yours somewhere? I am missing the information you seem to think I know.
Have you read the Div Busting Book or Divorce Remedy books? They are solution based approaches to marital problems and that is based on the simple but radical idea that we need to work on US ONLY b/c we are the only ones WE can control. AND that we should do MORE of what helps the marriage and less/none of what hurts it.
A marriage is a relationship between 2 people and one person CAN change that relationship by changing themselves, by definition...
I don't know your changes b/c you are being vague about them.
Originally Posted By: JAS2000
I did not ask how to change MIL, I was asking what I could do about the situation. Nor was I judging her in a bad way. I was simply explaining our differences, we have VERY different world views. As for the christian part she says she is a christian,BUT how many true christians would tell their son to abandon their children, move a thousand miles from them, and pursue an affair? If that is christian, well I am afraid I might need to examine my faith! this information was not in your first post. You simply alleged that she is encouraging an "Emotional affair"and you seem to think you need to work on fixing HER but you cannot.
You can only work on YOU. That's a premise of the div busting approach. The books will greatly assist you in seeing this.
I have addressed EVERY issue and fault my husband had against me. I am doing back flips to save my marriage.
If that is true, and you are the best YOU that you can be, then leave the results up to God. There's nothing else.
But my guess is, and it's only a guess, is that if you were to dig deeper and more bravely
some of your flaws might not be so superficial. YOu might be truly flawed like most of us here, and need to do some serious work.
Everything he complained of was very superficial, and I have rectifyed everything. See above comments.^^^
In fact he tells the pastor who counsels us that every time. That ^^ is standard WAH talk. It means he doesn't want you to keep trying.
The only thing I have ever done to my MIL is not agree with her view points and stand up for my beliefs. I have found that unless someone insists I verbalize agreement with them, it's not productive to argue with inlaws...and even then, it has to matter a lot. Frankly, if they think the role of government ought to be more or less than I think, though it's important to me, it's not important enough for marital or family discord.
IF they asked me to deny God, THAT would matter enough to "Stand up for my beliefs"...
Like I said I also stopped pursuing a business because it was not feasable I must have missed that information.
and she got mad at me. I was trying to start a home daycare but the market in the area was over saturated so I stopped taking the classes, etc. She saw it as me not sticking to anything. She booted us from the house because when we got it our income was higher. We were struggling to keep up with everything. Another family member offered to take the house over and she told us we needed to move. The other family member ran into the same problem and they had to move too. It sounds as if your mil was not able to subsidize you OR anyone else in the house payments....SHE is probably very disappointed too.
was just a bad idea to mix family and business, especially in this bad economy. My H has defended me from his momther for years but he stopped when his affair started. Up until the affair everything was ok although our marriage was not great because we were not maintaining it.
explore this^^^....there is more to this statement than you may wish to consider b/c right now you are reeling.
How long have you been married and how mnay children do you have?
also if you can define 2 180s of yours, or a single GAL activity that will help YOU not spin wheels....
When the affair started that is when he suddenly stopped "loving" me. It was your text book "I am having a bad week with my spouse and so are you lets talk about it" emotional affairs. not that familiar with this textbook. Usually an EA leads to a PA for a man and sometimes, there is something else going on IN the marrigae. What do you wish YOU could do differently
if you had it to do over? This is KEY...
B/c In the final analysis, your h MUST believe marriage to you can be better than before, or he will not return.
I just don't know how to deal with MIL and her promoting the affair? There is probably nothing I can do.
Correct. And HER VIEW does not matter. Only your h's does..learning to let go of what you really cannot control will be very freeing and empowering.
My husband will not tell her to back off and let us figure this out or defend me because he says he still does not know what he is going to do. He says I have made great changes that please him but he seems to have to hide that from his family and friends. She is the boss plain and simple and he is not going to rock the boat. what "boat would rock"? I mean, what difference does her view make NOW that it did not matter before? Something IN your marriage has shifted for HIM to make these choices...what is that do you think?
I just want to know what I can do if anything?
get the divorce remedy book and read it asap.
Read other people's threads here too. And give us the info we need.
length of marriage, kids and ages, etc
it's Not hopeless. But I don't for a minute think your personal work is done.
And that's okay! Welcome to humanity.
I will also send you a list of "Do's and Don't"S for newbies if I can find it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Please read the Div Remedy or Div Busting book so you can get the full benefit of this site. It's pretty much mandatory. Some of the jargon and many concepts are best explained in the book so we don't have to start from scratch here.
The other book I recommend is "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman. If you were not in a marital crisis, I'd say the 5 Love language book is the single best marriage book I ever read. We DO speak, hear, given and receive love in different ways.
For DBers, get the DB books and then 5 Love Languages and
as for the rest of the books to read that many suggest, it depends on what your particular situation is. THOSE books I just mentioned above, help ALL marriages...
Div Busting (and the DB coaches!!) has an incredibly specific way of approaching problems that give you tools for life. If you can, hire a DB coach for some sessions. As tight as money may be, divorce ain't cheap either. I DID MANY things to help my m but the single best thing that helped me change ME and thereby save our m, was coming here and hiring a great DB coach...
These are "Rules" for newcomers assembled/organized by Sandi, consisting of principles based on MWD's Div Busting approach. I recommend you copy and paste & print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have to. I know I did.
FOR WHEN YOU GET "THE BOMB"…. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patience on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). Silence can be powerful.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever, and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a big turn-off for your spouse.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. It is crucial that you understand and accept this. "Tactics" are not real changes.
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
you DO have another thread with information there, that is missing from this thread.
It would make it MUCH easier to follow your situation and help you
if you can keep to one thread only. Just an FYI-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
