I met my boyfriend in 2009, we chatted online for 5 months, went on a date, and moved in together a
month later. I was so in love, he was so smart, sweet and funny. He seemed to feel the same way, we did everything together, it just seemed like the logical thing to do
since we hated being apart. 7 months after we moved in, he lost his job, lost his house (not the one we live in) and tore a muscle in
his back. He was in pain for over a month, I took care of him, got him medications, tried to convince
him to see a doctor, managed to get him to a chiropractor. We didnt have sex, he was in a lot of pain.
He managed to get a job 2 weeks after being fired (for a wage increase). I started to notice he was withdrawn, not sweet like before, he stopped touching me, holding hands,
cuddles. He stopped helping round the house. I waited for a couple of months, I didnt want to pressure
him and I felt rejected. When he was free from pain I tried to initiate some kind of affection, like cuddling etc, but he would
always find a way to get out of the cuddle as soon as possible. He's an insomniac and sleeps very little, he says he enjoys it, that he gets to work longer hours, but he
is then too tired to help round the house, too tired not to be in a bad mood, and I guess his libido is
affected by this lack of sleep too. I have tried getting him to a sleep clinic but he doesnt want to go, I
gave up because I realized pretty soon that he does what he wants and I can't convince him
otherwise. He's been sleeping 4 to 5 hours a night since he was 15 (hes now nearly 40). I got to the point that I felt so bad about myself and so sad and confused that I started having panic
attacks. I would lie in bed and try to sleep but all of a sudden, I'd feel so upset that I couldn't breath,
Id have to get up and go calm myself down by sitting on the bathroom floor. I finally got the courage to ask him about it, but I didnt manage to keep it cool, I cried. I asked him if
he loved me and he said yes, then I said, why do you not touch me then, he said he didnt feel like
having sex, I said, ok, but I am not talking about sex, I am talking about affection, he said he was
worried that I would want sex if he gave me a cuddle or a kiss. I told him that if you dont want sex, I
am not going to force you, that I would only enjoy sex if he was happy about it too, that I respected
him and would never pressure him. I told him that I missed sex but that I missed affection and love
more, that I couldnt be happy with no affection. That the sex issue could be worked on in time, no
pressure. I asked him if he knew why he felt low libido, he said that it was because he didnt feel very
happy, that he felt bad about the way his body looks, that he used to have a muscular body and now
doesnt, I told him I love his body as it is but that I understand how he feels because I feel bad about
myself sometimes too and that I think he's gorgeous and wouldnt change a thing (very true, I think he's
beautiful). I asked him if he would let me cuddle him (now that he know its not foreplay) and if he felt
uncomfortable, to tell me, not to physically push me away. He agreed, so I gave him a cuddle and told him I love him. Nothing changed, I would try to cuddle him and he kept pushing me away, I then gave up. I couldnt take the pain. A few months later I tried talking again with him, we basically had the same conversation, but with a small twist, he said: Well I never though sex was that important, I actually prefer being on the computer doing something. I felt so angry about this that I didnt say anything. HOW COULD HE SAY THIS??? I felt lied to, cheated, tricked! How could he say he never liked sex, was it all an act? He said it in such a "matter of fact" manner that was comparable to being slapped in the face. I have always found it easy to date, to meet men, I have always enjoyed sex, I made it no secret to him as I didn't wait to be intimate with him, I think half of the relationship is physical and half intellectual. I can't believe that he knew all along he didnt like sex, if he had told me in the beginning, before I fell in love with him, I would have told him I didnt want to go down this road. He basically pretended to be sexual and I stupidly fell for it. I love him but I dislike him also, he is selfish and self centered in all of our relationship. He wont share intimacy, a conversation or even be polite. Last night for example I brought back some cakes for him, I had gone to a work dinner (which I invited him to as always and he said no as always) I stopped by a bakery and got a box of cakes for him, just as a nice gesture (I was thinking about you gesture) I get home, he doesnt even get up from his chair to say hi, I give him the box and kiss him on the forehead and smile and say: Here are some cakes for you, they smell lovely! He says: OK. This is enthusiastic response to anything I try to do to be nice. I got him chocolates on valentine's in a heart shaped box and he didnt even say thank-you, I didnt expect a present, I just want some acknowledgment that I am not a doormat.
You have bravely posted your thoughts on this forum for a reason. You have probably searched and thought that you are in a Sex Starved Marriage (or LTR)of sorts.
You are showing anger and pain, which are understandable.
One thing that you need to do is understand that what is important to you, may not be important to him.
Let me explain. According to 5 Languages of Love, some people need presents to feel loved (box of chocolates on V-day) and other people need things besides presents (touch, quality time, acts of service, praise or words of affirmation). You are not going to change this orientation.
Your guy obviously isn't into touch as much as you are. Sex is very important part of bonding and growing a relationship and you realize that.
You have listed a number of things where your guy could have huge self image issues as he has explained to you. His body not being as muscular as it once was, his loosing his job, etc. Lack of sleep can do all kinds of bad things to a persons body, besides being just tired. He could have some real physcial (and medical) reasons that are interferring with his sex drive.
The guy you may have fallen in love with, may have been destroyed by the job loss and letting himself go physcially may have hightened his self image and sex drive problems.
You obviously by posting her, would like to rebuild the relationship rather than letting it go.
MWD has some great practical advice on how to save relationships. One of them is not over pursuing. Another is to try to get your partner to get emotionally healed. My advice would be to get him to see a doctor for a full medical check up including blood work to see if he has any underlying medical problems that might be causing his low libido.
Once you are certain about that, start figuring out ways to work on "you" so he views you differently and so that you supply him with confidence in himself. MWD suggests that the HD partner work on GAL or getting a life, I suggest that you read up on what she suggests in this area and do that to make yourself happier. Once you are happier, you will be more fun to be around and less needy.
Good luck.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but as someone who is now, after 17 years and two teenage kids, thinking that I made a terrible mistake, I think you're being given a gift. Get out and start over.
From your timeline, it sounds like you had about six months together where things were good, and then about a year and a half or so since, where you've been trying to make things good again. Sounds like the honeymoon phase or infatuation phase has ended and now you see the real guy and it's not a good match.
You're not married, you don't have kids, you're learning a lot about what you need, and he doesn't provide it.
You sound like a wonderful, dedicated, caring person. I wish you the best.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
You missed a lot of dating/exploring time. Would it be crazy to "break up" only partially--move out and leave open the possibility that you'll date each other?
