LL, I was not going to respond..just read, but I have to...I know I have not got any room to hand out advice as I am not even close to your point in our r BUT...he talked..a little...he's confused...again would being apart maybe help? I really don't think he wasnt to lose you, but he just can't seem to express that...he is feeling alot of grief and guilt...he's willing to go to c. I know you have to take care of you and your needs first..only you know when enough is enough.. Hugs for you LL, Sue
In essence, your H may not know much about how he feels about anything, but he has discovered he does not want to lose you! ... and now you know it too. That's a very good start.
Quote: You're working on his timeline, not yours so be careful about getting too excited, going overboard and pushing him away again.
I understand this completely, it is frustrating...because this r has been on his timeline since day one...these are not new issues..these issues have been festering for 10 years and we have only been married for 5 of those ten...I know enough not to get to excited...infact I still plan to meet with the lawyer on friday...
h knows he is frustrating me...and admits that he if in my position..would probably be giving up too.
the fact that he is suddenly willing to go to c..is wonderful...but honestly doesn't give me all the comfort that I want. infact I had to ask him the purpose of going...was it to learn how to end the r...or try to repair it...at first his answer still was a circle with no answer either way...I pointed out that we would need to have some goal in mind in going as there would be different directions to go in depending on our desired outcome..so then h said...well then I guess to find a way to work on the r and stay together..
so you see...the vaugeness of his replies does not warrent a celebration...well maybe a little but I'm not doing any gopher dance till he asks me to put my ring back on.
LL and finally this mornig when h was leaving for work..(didn't leave til 11) I got a kiss on the cheek that led to three or four kisses on the cheek..I didn't know how to respond to them and was in a awkward position (on the floor at the puter with son at playhouse disney) so as he walked away toward the door...I got up and gave him a hug and said...it's ok to be scared...
we'll see what this week brings...I have hope but I'm staying on the fence.
Quoting jethro: IMHO, your H works too much, is away from home too much, and doesn't pay attention to the most important things in his life.
I agree--and a lot of guys come to grief because of that behavior. Ironically, the motivation often is the desire to provide the spouse/family with "the very best" home, possessions, vacations, opportunities, etc.
Unfortunately, that usually means lots of time away from home or just being preoccupied and "unavailable." And then there's that additional "decompression" time on the golf course, in front of the tube, or at the bar. More time away and unavailable.
That urge to be the "provider" is very powerful--and successful ones really are more attractive in womens' eyes. But guys, just being the "physical" provider is only the tip of the iceberg.
Quote: That urge to be the "provider" is very powerful--and successful ones really are more attractive in womens' eyes. But guys, just being the "physical" provider is only the tip of the iceberg.
h is learning this the hard way...expressed last night and other times that he thought that was what being a good h and father was about..but is realizing it is not..he wants to be there for the kids..realizes that simply being here is not enough for them...they need interaction as do I. that even though it is enough for him to just be here it is not for them (was mostly in reference to son but obviously more) and therefore is not enough for him.
when I met h (we were young so I don't know if it makes a difference) h had nothing...actually our first date was at my house and I paid to rent a video...second date we went out to dinner and h had a salad because he didn't have enough money...it was never about money or gifts for me..when h did start his business and started having money I was lavished with gifts...was spoiled at christmas and on birthdays etc...it wasn't what I wanted but hey I didn't complain.
I always said to h..even before we were married that he worked to much and didn't have time for us..he was working for our future so we could have a good life...my phrase was always..."I'd rather live in a shack with you and be happy than live in a castle alone" funny that for a bit I did live in a castle alone (but with my children)
h is realizing there is more to it than that...he is struggling with keeping the desire to give more than that. I don't fully understand how h feels..probably because he doesn't either..but I do understand..hell after all there are days when I want to be with him and days when I don't...some times I want to cook and clean and other days I don't..we can't be "on" all the time...h's "on" time just got to be less and less and now he doesn't know how to use the switch.
anyway...I am hopeful but not doing any dances just yet...time will tell.
(2) "well then I guess to find a way to work on the r and stay together" sounds pretty clear to me about what he wants.
(3) It sounds like your H's love language may be gifts. I was really shocked to learn that this is my love language. I started crying reading that chapter.
The fact your H has agreed to see a C w/you is huge! Help him learn to talk about his feelings more. Make clear what your expectations are but make sure to help him to meet them. This kind of stuff comes natural to you ladies (think of how you talk to your GFs). It is not natural for guys! Encourage him! It's like teaching a baby to walk!
LL, your H sounds a lot like mine did, he was very confused and depressed and hurting too. The difference is MY H would not go to C, we never did together, I went alone a couple times. So My H wouldn't go to C, and now we are 'piecing'. And gonna make it. i asked him this past Sunday if he wanted a D and he said No. Your H is not done with you and your M, just as I knew mine wasn't either. Let him be the one to file for D if that is what he wants. In the meantime you can still get your advice about finances, etc. Why should you make it easy for him? Lisa
