Do what I can but still have questions 4

[Harrier]

SW - I do hope your "threat" was only words because if you are feeling any inkling of those feelings - talk to someone ASAP. I'm glad you are talking to someone tomorrow, but don't let the situation beat you down any further

I am ashamed to say that last year I did the same thing a number of times (my wife didn't drop the d-bomb yet, so it was because of my issues with her) while it may get their attention, it is probably one of the worst things you can do to get it. You know all this.

I'm going to suggest something that may help you. I really think you are seeing the world in black and white now. I know how hard it is not to, but you know the world isn't black and white.

You should look up "cognitive distortions" on google. I know this has really helped me.

[soccerwife]

hello everyone... I just looked back through all the old posts I have been missing for a couple weeks and you all posted some really great information for me.

To those that asked/or were concerned, I am seeing a phsycologist who is trained in cognitive behavioral therapy and he is already helping me with the suicidal thoughts and the "black and white lense" issue. I know that threatening suicide was not productive, it only made H angry with me and pushed him away. This comes up every couple of weeks for me and I know it is a huge problem that I need to work on. I don't believe that I would ever actually follow through with hurting myself, but sometimes I just can't shake the feeling, even with the meds I am on.

Someone asked me a few pages back for an update on the MF MF program and I have to say that now that I am finished with the entire thing, I am completely sold on it. I could certainly see how it is difficult to implement when you are seperated from your spouse. Many of the suggestions MF makes can only be done face to face with your spouse. However, no pain, no gain.

I actually catch myself laughing occasionally because my H behaves EXACTLY as MF predicts to the things I am doing.

I don't consider it pursuit but I can see how a very literal viewer of DB would think that it is pursuit. I feel that the MF techniques can be applied right alongside DBing. In fact, I think the two authors should get together and develop a SUPER PROGRAM!!! Heck, lets also throw in the 5 love languages author, and some of the other experts and make a program that makes the obstinant spouse completely powerless to love. HaHaHaHaHaHa!!!!!!! (that is my evil laugh)

One of the best things about the MF program... you get to download your actual Q&A session and listen to it over and over again. I have probably listened to MF answer my personal questions at least 50 times already, no joke. It is my source of inspiration. It gives me the motivation I need to stay on track each day. If I know H is going to get on my back about something, I listed to MF and I am A-OK.

If Michele or one of the dbmods is listening to me right now, here is a suggestion... allow clients who call in to download their session so they can review it when needed.

[soccerwife]

MFwMF just started a community forum for marriages in crisis!

I don't have as many questions as I once did, so I haven't been posting here as often, but I am not leaving all together. H is still threatening to leave, but I really think I have a plan that is going to work now.

[soccerwife]

H left a couple weeks after that last post. My world came to a halt. I woke up on Thanksgiving Day and told him that I was thankful for having him in my life and that I loved him. He moved out that afternoon and filed for divorce the next day. To this day I still can't figure out why he left. I have made very little progress in the last two years. He will not speak to me unless it directly pertains to the kids. I refused to sign divorce papers and this Thanksgiving, in just a few short weeks, I will be forced to give up on all of those hopes and dreams. The divorce will go through and I will have completely lost my best friend and the man I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. It is like dieing of cancer. A long and drawn out agony. Accept when death actually comes, you still don't get closure. You don't get a circle of friends and family crying beside you at a funeral. You are left on your own. I am still in so much pain. I don't ever imagine feeling better or trusting anyone new. I really believed I was going to have a happy ending on the forum, but I was so wrong. I was wrong about what was meant for me in life, I was wrong about trusting a man to do what he promised, and I was wrong to trust that anyone could help or had answers to my questions. But, the funny thing is, I still have hope. I have hope that my Matthew will come back to me someday just like when I called for him during the birth of our children. I have hope that I'm not wrong about that.

[jp787]

Hi SW

Sorry to hear you are hurting.

Can you expand more on what you have been doing over the last two years?

Are you seeing a IC, on anti depressants?

What have you done for you, to make yourself healthy and change into the person you want to be?

[soccerwife]

Oh my, I have really worked hard on myself over the last two years. I have been seeing counselors frequently. I had an excellent Christian Counselor for the first year. He put me into a depression group for a while. Now I am seeing another Christian counselor. She is also good, but doesn't do cognitive therapy, she just listens and encourages. I was on anti-depressants for the first 6 months and didn't like the way they made me so dull. I couldn't feel any emotions at all. I decided to go it on my own a while. I am now starting on St John's Wort and the verdict is still out. I eat well, maintain a healthy weight, run 24 miles a week, spend quality time with my kids and family. I try to enjoy time alone, I actually like going out to eat alone because there is no one to complain about the food and service and I can go anywhere I like, even fancy places. I have taken up many new hobbies and further indulged in the hobbies I already had. I am gardening, homebrewing beer and wine, cooking every chance I get. I have read hundreds, literally, of books. I have joined a couple recreational clubs. I adopted 2 dogs and 4 chickens. I have traveled a little. I have gone to a bunch of concerts and shows. I have remained diligent with Bible studies and prayer. And, I have made a very special friend who understands me and makes me happy. And I try to give as much as I possible can to the people I care about. But, you know, it isn't enough to get me past this.

I have trouble feeling happy for others. For instance, when I see a "happy" couple together, I always think in the back of my mind that, too bad for them, its only temporary, he will most likely hurt her some day. And I seem to be self-defeatist. Ever since I started spending time with someone who makes me feel good, I think it is only a matter of time until he gets tired of me and throws me out like my husband did. So, I have considered not being friends with him anymore just to avoid that pain in the future.

I didn't get back on this forum to find help, really. I wanted to post just in case anyone remembered talking with me back then and wondered how my story turned out. And I felt like a lier these last two years knowing I left this optimistic loose end dangling when the truth was so different. I didn't write on here for two whole years because admitting that I failed to save my marriage was so painful. I felt like a worthless failure, and still do to a large extent. This site is about hope, and getting control of an out-of-control situation. I didn't deserve to be on here anymore bringing people down. People on here need to hear that anything is possible. They need to feel like miracles can happen to them and that their families can be the ones who make it work.

Like I said, I have not given up hope, but my situation will be coming to an end in the very near future and I don't have much faith that H will change his mind in a time period that coincides with my healing process.