Do what I can but still have questions 4

[aeolianchaos]

IC requires 3000 hours of training to get an MSW or MHC or MA Psych. To practice privately they need to do another 3000 hours of supervised practice and sit for an exam. As clinicians the best of them are quite capable of performing the same effective therapeutic interventions as a Psychologist. Mileage always varies.

If you work with a Psychologist they can also perform assessments if you are concerned about some kind of underlying personality disorder.

Life Coaches serve a different purpose and depending on your state may or may not need certification.

They perform a functionally different task in many ways: life coaches help people to identify and achieve personal goals. They can be useful for any number of purposes and often specialize in specific dynamics of a person's life.

[aeolianchaos]

I should probably add the disclaimer that this only represents my personal knowledge of the distinction between the two. I am neither a life coach or a psychotherapist.

[Rick1963]

aeoloanchaos you are pretty on the money with the distinctions. A psycholigist can also perform IQ testings in addition to testing personality issues in some states they can prescribe meds. Most therapist go on to get specialized trainings in different theories i.e DBT, Cognitive , psychodynamics etc. I have not talked to a life coach but assume that their training is very specific to MWD theory on how to save a M and yourself.

SW I think an IC who has been trained in cognitive therapy ( Becks theory CBT or Albert Ellis theory REBT) can help you change some of your behaviors and thinking patterns. just my 2c

[soccerwife]

Last night I stood up to H and told him that if he wants to get a D, then he is completely on his own. I told him that I will not put ANY effort into it until I am legally required.

I had promised him a month ago that I would go to a mediation meeting to, in his words, "see what D would look like." I don't trust him at this point for mediation. So, I told him last night that I would go to the mediation mtng like I promised but he wouldn't like my statements and it would be a waste of his money.

We had quite a long argument about it and I overstepped a lot and fell back into old habits, but at least I was finally honest with him about what I am really feeling about the mediation meeting.

I felt great all day about myself and only had minimal regret about losing my temper last night. I have certainly turned it around this evening. Despite his anger with me at the moment, he is still being civil, that would normally take him a week to achieve after a fight.

[aeolianchaos]

Last night I stood up to H and told him that if he wants to get a D, then he is completely on his own. I told him that I will not put ANY effort into it until I am legally required.

What did you feel as you did that?

We had quite a long argument about it and I overstepped a lot and fell back into old habits, but at least I was finally honest with him about what I am really feeling about the mediation meeting.

I don't think that you standing up is a bad thing. I actually think it is a good thing in many ways.

Yes, you take the chance that your husband may move further and faster towards divorce. That is the risk you take. However, your husband's behavior (as you describe it) seems to me as manipulative and strikes me as a form of normal marital sadism.

One thing I learned recently is that this kind of power dynamic ends when someone stands up and says 'enough.' So if that is really the dynamic at work, then it may be the best thing that you say 'enough.'

BUT

Be clear with yourself: You are not telling him what to do - you are telling him what YOU are going to do.

[soccerwife]

Well, I haven't checked in here in quite a while, and I think it is time I get back to it. I have been employing DB techniques even though I haven't been on here. I have felt pretty good, except for a few really down days this week. Not much has changed in the house except that H is more persistant in D and is now also threatening to move out sooner rather than later. He is using the threat of moving out to try to get me to agree to go to mediation. I will NOT back down from what I believe.

I believe he is feeling frustrated because he is feeling a tug back toward me again and it makes him uncomfortable. I agreed to talk with him tonight. I will simply validate his opinion but not bother stating my side again because it only prolongs the arguement and makes him justify his POV even more.

As per Laurie DB Coach's suggestion to me months ago, I am planning out tonight's conversation so that we end closer rather than further, just like what happened last night.

Me: "H, you said you had a bad day today, do you want to talk about it?"

I will just listen with interest and offer no advice, criticism, or complaints. He will likely ask if he can set up the mediation meeting or if he should begin looking for another place to live to speed up the D process (a threat). I will say that I have already stated my POV on that topic and have nothing new to offer but if he needs me to restate how I feel, I would be happy to clarify things.

I will also restate what I said last night that seemed to get his attention: "I don't trust that he has the family's best interest at heart and that he needs to begin treating me with more respect and kindness to regain my trust. If he is unable or unwilling to put effort into that, then I know that he cannot be trusted in the case of D." Further, I may state that making threats is no way to gain trust.

At every opportunity I will attempt to lighten the mood with other topics just as happened last night. List of things I may bring up:
1. my grandma is in hospital but doing fine
2. kids school day
3. plans for next week
4. the garage I got him for our anniversary
5. I will ask him about his car repairs and his soccer game

[soccerwife]

The conversation last night went great as far as I am concerned. I let H say whatever he needed to get things off of his chest, I didn't argue my POV (because it has already been stated so many times and I never get anywhere), I didn't conceed to his agenda, and I didn't let him be disrespectful. I did encourage his positive feelings and actions, show him that I am making positive changes in myself, and gained control by relinquishing control.

I am so surprised with myself. I didn't cry at all, and never even had the urge to cry. It was actually pretty easy. I am so much stronger than I was when I first joined the DB community. I am so proud of myself.

I still have a long road ahead of me and still have moments of doubt, but my hope that H will make the right choices grows every day, despite all of the things he is saying and doing at the moment. Believe nothing you hear and less than 50% of what you see... this is so true. His actions continue to downspiral, but he has begun to agree that he is being a bad person. Baby steps.

[soccerwife]

Well, last night was interesting... Kids and I went to granddad's for dinner and got home at 9pm. H had just got home from his soccer game and was sitting in the dark. I ushered kids to bed and went back downstairs to get my vitamin to find him BAWLING on the couch. I don't mean just a little dry. He was sobbing and rocking back and forth. Hardest cry I have ever seen from him.

I have learned enough to know to never ask what is going on - it is always bad. So I just sat next to him and held him and rubbed his back. He kept repeating "I'm Sorry, I can't do it anymore." I didn't ask what this meant, I just let him keep going. He hugged me and just kept repeating that he is sorry. (is this remorse I detect?)

The hug freaked me out a little, so I kind of pushed it away (probably a mistake, or maybe a 180). Anyway, after he cried a bit and felt a little better, I went to bed. I came back downstairs at 2am and he was awake and I suggested he get to bed. Then I got up for good at 6:30am and as I was walking down the stairs I heard him say, "great, she's awake".

I let him know that I heard what he said and that I would appreciate it if he treat me kindly today.

Well, since he didn't go to bed until nearly 7am, he didn't get up until around 4pm. Then he got right in the shower and took the kids to a movie and didn't allow me to join him.

At this point I just feel sorry for him. He is so confused and mixed up. He needs medication but refuses to even talk about it.

I honestly don't know how he lives through a week on only 3 hours of sleep each night and then teaching all day (I hope he isn't teaching your kids). And no wonder he is so irritable and treating me so badly.

[25yearsmlc]

sw,

I have to ponder your sitch more thoroughly before "advising"....but for now just know that I am sending you thoughts and prayers of support.

Sometimes I wish we had a "hug/slap" button to click here so we could you a hug and the WAS a slap thru the computer...alas,

my prayers and virtual hugs will have to do. Til later, when I come up with a brilliant plan to solve all your problems,

take care

((( )))

[soccerwife]

This has been the week from hell... I really thought I would be past this already.

The last two mornings he starts in on me first thing about how I don't care about his feelings and he doesn't want to talk to me. I know he is having trouble paying his bills this month so I offered to pay his car loan and he said the only thing I can do to help him right now is to go to mediation.

I went right back into old habits of crying, begging, and pleading. I told him he is a fool to give up his family and that no other woman will ever love him like I do or be willing to put up with him like I do. Then, worse yet, I threatened suicide. Sometimes I really feel like that is to only option to give him what he wants (freedom) and for me to escape the pain (plus prove what he is losing). Don't worry, I made it through this depressive cycle and I see both the physician and the therapist tomorrow morning.

He will regret what he is doing sooner or later and he will learn what is truely important in life. I just hope that I haven't moved on when it happens.

And at this point, I really don't think it is possible to ever trust anyone again. H was the most honest and trustworthy person I ever met and that is literally the reason I chose to be with him (I had other offers but he was the better choice because he promised to never hurt me, no lie). The only thing that will make all of this pain worth anything will be if he changes his mind, otherwise, I really don't think that the happiness I once enjoyed outweighs the risk of more pain.