Where to start! My husband and I were together 5 years, married for 2. We started having problems in February this year where I noticed he was becoming quite distant, staying later at work etc. We talked about it, and he said that it wasn't that he was feeling unhappy, more that he just felt he could be happier. He was adamant things would be ok though. We went away for a weekend at the beginning of April and whilst there I found some text messages on his phone to a work colleague, saying that he missed her and had been going to a phone box to try and ring her but wasn't able to get through. I was devastated, and insisted on going home. After a couple of days of his apologising I decided I didn't want to give up on our marriage, it was so early on. I told him this, and was very hurt to find he didn't feel the same, he didn't love me any more, and felt that there was someone 'better' out there for him. And that was it, complete shut down. Prior to this period our relationship had, I thought, been solid. He was saying he felt our 'spark' had gone, he wanted someone different (that ran, was more sportive, tidier - basically the exact opposite to me). Nothing I said was getting through, and I'm afraid I did go through a crying and begging phase (I cringe everytime I think of it). He had it all arranged, he'd buy me out of the house, I could find somewhere new to live and we'd just put it down to experience.
I got to the point of feeling exhausted because of the constant negativity and put downs from him - he was even saying he'd had a rubbish time on honeymoon. So I did find somewhere else to live, all the time feeling it was wrong but at a loss to know what to do. I genuinely believe that it has been a case that the honeymoon period was over, and he felt it shouldn't be and was looking to recreate that feeling with someone new.
We have been living apart now for a month. After two weeks he sent me a long letting saying that he had been a fool, and let little issues build up so big that he couldn't see past them. He was willing to do whatever it takes to get our marriage back on track. I was overjoyed, but a little cautious and said we should take things slow......two days later he changed his mind and said he didn't want us back.
I feel quite drained but, whereas before I was losing hope, that letter gave me the faith I needed to commit to getting us back together. I sent him an email setting out my feelings, but for once it wasn't over emotional, and wasn't asking anything of him. I haven't received a response, but he also didn't reply telling me to stop wasting my time (as he has previously). I only received Michele's books last week so have worked hard at putting them into practice. He calls on a daily basis and has come round two evenings this week - both times I have kept it quite light and chatty, not talking about the future or putting any pressure on him. I am also taking time for myself, meeting up with friends, new interests, and working on the negatives that I know are there (nagging, criticising if things not done how I would want etc).
Phew. Well, there's my story, I'm hoping I have a chance of success if I take things slowly, but if not, I figure at least I will have my life back and can hold my head up high. Any advice anyone has would be gratefully received.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I'm sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, but I assure you that you are among good people who are here to offer support and advice.
Is this the first M for both of you? If so, your H is going to find out quickly that the "spark" and butterflies in the stomach feelings do not last forever.
You are correct, you may not be able to save your M despite all your DB efforts, but if you commit to working on yourself regardless of what happens you will be a much better version of yourself and will be able to hold your head high.
I won't lie, it's an emotional roller coaster , so strap yourself in and get ready for the ride. The good news in that is your not on the ride alone. We are all here for you.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
Thanks for your messages, it does help knowing I'm not alone, although I am sorry that all of you are having to go through this. It is the first marriage for both of us, and I guess I feel disappointed that this is the first 'bad patch' of our relationship, and he's immediately wanted out. I'm trying to only be positive around him though.
At the minute he's accepting most offers I make to come round to see me....I wonder if I should keep asking him (so that we are spending time together) or whether I should stop for a while and keep myself busy doing other things, (or a combination of the two!) does anyone have any ideas?
My biggest problem is my impatience, and wanting things to happen immediately so I'm really trying hard to control that at the moment!
Its certainly a rollercoaster ride isn't i! my husband has now on 4 occasions said he would like to reconcile,but each time changed his mind. two weeks ago he told me he did not want to lose me and wanted our marriage to work. I worked really hard to keep this light and fun and moving slowly,only for him to say on friday he was again having doubts about whether we would actually work. we are still in contact but i have again backed off and am letting him doing do the communicating. how do i help him get past that point?it as though as soon as he makes the decision,something goes on in his head that makes him withdraw completely. its so hard not to feel despondent,although i am still showing him nothing but positives. help!
