You've got to read the book Codependent No More. I'm sure it's been suggested many times. Your letter is entirely codependent. You are addicted to her. That's the message of the letter.
It is likely that you have always been needy and addicted to her and it's out of control now that she's removed herself. She is your fix, and she has taken away your supply.
It is likely that OM is NOT this type of guy. This was the dynamic that happened in my sitch. The ONE THING that XH pointed to that made OW different from me was that "she doesn't NEED me to be happy the way you do....she has a very independent life and is a very independent person."
Sure this was his rationalization, but it was TRUE about me. He hit the nail on the head. This was my biggest problem in our marriage. My addiction to him.
Now bottom line, he had the same addiction to me.
So he has become addicted to OW now. Their relationship appears to be a reverse of ours, where the more codependent party is HIM. That's because he isn't learning from his mistakes of codependency.
Your wife is giving you a million indications that your addiction to her is driving her away, and likely it's driving her to someone who isn't so needy. OF COURSE she finds that attractive.
Until you can show her that your life doesn't depend on her, you have no chance at her ever seeing you as different.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
You can't say the phrase anymore, "I'm here if you need to (or want to) talk."
She has said over and over that she does not.
You rationalize saying it because you think it means you're being supportive or kind. But she sees it as pursuit.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
You can't say the phrase anymore, "I'm here if you need to (or want to) talk."
She has said over and over that she does not.
You rationalize saying it because you think it means you're being supportive or kind. But she sees it as pursuit.
So true^^^. Plus, why wouldn't she assume you'll be there, forever waiting? You pretty much say that to her. So why should she rush back anyhow?
Tad, you really DO know better. You SAY you are a different man. So You have to let what you changed inside, show on the outside.
Inner changes that don't show on the outside are pretty much Not changes. They're more of the same old/same old. We can talk & talk about "our changes" but if we ACT the same, we are the same.
We are what we do and say. Not what we hope for or meant or wished or thought...but what we do or say. No amount of talk means anything if it doesn't match.
It's also being accountable for what we do and say. Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Tad, I suspect you knew already the things you were told after posting the letter. I read the letter and it shows a great deal of heartfelt pain. I am saddened for you buddy.
I can tell you that few people outside this arena will ever know what you are talking about. Many will think you are a pansy or a bit** or just nuts. They won't believe that somebody could do or say the things done and said in your situation.
We have been there and know. We have felt and do feel the pain. We tell you with loving kindness and your best interest the things we choose to share. I know you know that and I know you are doing very well dealing and coping.
Allow me to add something to your thought process: She has mentioned she appreciates not talking about the relationship. Ok. So don't. That's a loud and clear message to not talk about it. She mentions you haven't changed and determines she'll go through with it. She gives you vegetables (for the record I always want to marry/sleep with people that give me vegetables - I've been in therapy about it, but so far nothing works (j/k) ) She talks to your kids and then doesn't. She talks to you and the next day blasts you about it. She. She. She.
What about Tad in all of this? What is it that Tad wants? I suspect Tad wants it to stop. I think Tad is living a nightmare from the current perspective. I think Tad has a lot of online people that do NOT want to see him get stuck. I think Tad feels guilty about leaving his W of 26 years behind even if she wants to. I think Tad is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't but he's having a heard time being still and hearing because Tad has needs of his own that are going unmet. He isn't quite sure how to go about getting those needs met. Damned if he does and damned if he doesn't and waiting... how long must he wait?
I could go on Tad. But I want you to know that we hear your pain, hear your frustration, your questions, and your confusion.
We do and we have been there in many ways, but not all. It takes time and the desire to be ok regardless of the outcome. A very strong desire. It helps to have clear paths, but this isn't one of those times in your life Tad.
Step back and answer the question: what does Tad really want? What is Tad hearing from himself? I don't think it's 100% that he wants W back, but rather he wants what he had and more specifically he wants to be happy again. He feels that getting W back is the right thing to do and will lead to the happiness. But is that really the case?
BTW, God listens. You may not be hearing the answer either because there is too much other noise in your head or because it hasn't come yet. But he listens.
Be careful what you ask for
Be at peace Tad.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
My dear Tad you may forget sometimes, but you do have support to meet some of your needs. Right here. We're trying.
And AJ's right. We HAVE been there. I went on ADs, and I am glad as heck I did.
They helped me Stop the driving & "looping around the freeway" and allowed me to take the exit ramp. I stopped (or lessened) the obessive pointless questions --"what if I do this? What if I say THAT??
What will H do or feel or say and then what do I say or do or feel or think? What's h going to do next? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING??" and Ad infinitum...(& ad nauseum)
that's why we want to help you get off the freeway, Tad. We want you to take the exit ramp and go to a scenic overlook to see your life...
really see it.
Look at where you were, where you've been and How you got here.. and after all that--ask yourself where you want to go from this day forward...b/c that's the question only you can answer.
Allow me to mix the metaphors one more time, okay?
...imagine your life is a novel.
How's your "life novel" going? How do you feel about the chapter you are IN now? Okay...so
WHO WROTE THIS PRESENT CHAPTER?
WHO WILL WRITE THE REST OF THIS NOVEL?? How about you being the author of your life? Write the rest of this the way you want it to go, with you as the strong hero, et al... AJ and others are correct about how the WAS comes back if and when they do. As far as I know, of the ones who "really" return, it's after the LBS gets a life and moves on or starts to, and demonstrates who (the LBSer) is inside. Look TAD, you only have a few options here as an LBSer
The LBSer has no healthy choice but to grow and improve from all this.
In effect-The 3 options for an LBSer to respond to their heartbreak are:
1) wallow in self pity & self loathing and writhe in their pain and agony, circling the freeway asking "why" all the time and of everyone they meet. THey began to look inside the m and then decided they were worthless but ironically they don't actually change their behavior. Easier to wallow than to change, or so they think. Their friends tend to drop off after awhile and family members avoid them if they can...it's draining to them. And frustrating. Some friendships end b/c the friend has nothing left to give but the wallower wants more and MORE...
OR the LBSer can
2) wallow in rage and blame and live in their anger, watching as it consumes them more each day til all that's left of them IS the anger. THere is NO introspection here. either they're terrified their bullying or angry ways is the real reason the spouse left and they can't face that, or they'd simply rather be angry. They are comfortable in their anger and they embrace bitterness...it fuels them. ..sometimes they get dangerous to themselves or others...they get in fights and they also tend to lose friends, drink or use illicit substances, and lose jobs, etc. All that makes them more angry b/c to them, drinking to numb pain is not their fault but still it's the WAS's..even years later they blame others for choices made long ago and still being made by their spouse or themselves...the lousy mc they had (for a month or two) or their former inlaws, or the step kids whom they blame unfairly, or the anger at the OW or OM simply won't fade even as years pass, and blah blah blah...
OR 3) THEY GAL, they own their part, learn from it and move on. They take charge of their own happiness.THEY take up new hobbies and passions and they meet new people and bring new interests and people into their lives...
THEY Learn to be happy with or without spouse.They come to Believe they are going to be fine regardless. THEY COME TO KNOW THIS...they enjoy the GAL. Tad, Detaching from others and learning to live well for YOU, tends to bring happiness into our lives no matter what someone else is doing...and that's just more attractive than the other options.
Of all the LBSers who GAL and detached, a few years later, regardless of what their spouse did, they are happy. Seriously. My biggest regret is all the time wasted on being in options #1 & #2 above and asking pointless questions INSTEAD of creating a new happier life & future for ME and My kids... when I finally did,
other good things happened. I genuinely came to see the upsides of not having to put h's career first and I came to see my r's with others improve and I felt lucky to have my kids with me and our friends...
I just knew I was going to be better off than h BUT it wasn't a contest. It was just that I came to believe in my heart of hearts, I'd be fine with or without him. H had flaws I could do without. And I was an improved woman, a better catch than before...the man who ended up as my partner would be a lucky man indeed...I came to believe this, than to KNOW it and then to show it, I guess. I mean, a lot of men sure noticed me and I got a lot of attention and then, my h said and did what he needed to do to get me interested again. He courted me and convinced me to give it another try and we entered piecing then...for a long time. THEN we went to Retrovaille and THEN I felt our m had been fully restored...but it's always a work in progress; always needs attention; tending to...
Every single restored m I have seen, here and anywhere, was between
a WAS and an LBSer who GAL and changed themselves. First they changed for real from within. They "got it" inside. Then naturally, the real changes within, manifest outwardly. They become different people with different behavioral choices.
The happy LBSer who GAL and detached, is a happier, wiser person. That attracts lots of other people into their lives --and the healthy LBSer chooses wisely whom to make room for in their new life.
This care used to choose and create a spiritually centered way of life, makes the LBSer even happier. It begets a cycle of loving interaction between the happy LBSer and the world.
who doesn't want to be a part of that?
Good luck. More of this is within your control than you realize-
everything having to do with YOU is.
Everything else-- you leave in the hands of a loving God.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
"There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Tad, you have some excellent advice here as usual. You're at the point where all the advice in the world is not going to make a difference IMHO. One day you will feel a change within yourself and you will "get it". Something will just click on a fundamental level and you will KNOW that you are there, even if you have the occasional slip and slide. When you "get it", all the advice you have received will make sense. You will get your confidence and strength back. The manner in which you should interact with your w/ex-w will become crystal clear to you. Because you "get it". You will become a "new and improved Tad" no matter what the eventual outcome may be for you and your wife.
So, I have no advice for you. There is one thing that helped me tremendously when I felt stuck and that was to ask myself "What is healthiest for me at this time?" I removed all my emotion and all my drama and answered the question as dispassionately as I could. And instead of pursuing another person or an outcome, I pursued my best interests in becoming healthy and whole.
Wow everyone. Some very good posts and I thank you all. I'm going to print them out so I can read them again when I am away from my computer. They are very insightful. Now.......if I could only put them to use.
I guess I am codependent because everyone keeps asking me what will make me happy and I keep thinking to myself "having my marriage back." I want to save this thing so bad.
As for today, it is our 26th wedding anniversary. It was a real downer. I took most everyone's advice and did NOT contact W today. It really took a lot not to do it. I'm sure she was expecting me to and to be honest, I wanted to so bad and almost did. But....NOT contacting her is "doing something different." I wanted to send the letter that I had written, but then I remembered what happened on Valentine's Day when I contacted her. On that day, she responded with a very nice text, but what she said broke my heart. I did not feel like going through that again today.
I wanted to text...
I wanted to call...
I wanted to send flowers...
I just wanted her...
I've thought about her constantly today and have wondered what she has been up to. I've also wondered if she thought about our anniversary at all or atleast thought about us.
On this day last year, we were talking about going to Hawaii for this year's anniversary. That right there tells me that she wasn't "planning" on taking a trip on the mother ship.
What a crap day.....
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Tad you did it!! This is a really big day for you in a good way despite the bad awful stuff. You took what you learned from the posts and your own experience and you held off and didn't contact. You did the right thing/best thing FOR YOU. Be proud. It took guts and you had the guts.
If you say that "having your marriage back" is the thing that would make you happy, then yes, you are codependent. NOW.
The good part is that you can change that.
The more that you increase your self-esteem and get your own life apart from the marriage, the more you'll start to see that needing a marriage to be happy means you are relying on someone else to fill your needs and not yourself.
You are at a strongest place to be in a healthy marriage if you can both fill your own needs first.
This comes with all the GALing.
But kudos to you today. It was horrible; we all know what today felt like. But you did it!!!
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
) She talks to your kids and then doesn't. She talks to you and the next day blasts you about it. She. She. She.