MK, I am glad you posted. I was looking for your thread today and could not find it.
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So i have decided to go with the counsellor for some sessions. See how she behaves. If i dont see anything that i like anymore, I am planning on asking my lawyer to proceed ahead. Any feedback?
IMO go to the C sessions and evaluate what you want to do. Do not set a timeline in haste, and put more emphasis on her actions and the C’s advice than what is spoken. Try and find a solution based C I do not have DR here or I’d look up the pages in it where this is mentioned. Speak with several before settling on one….
Leave her out of the pick the C process? She needs to trust the C to open up and begin to build solutions also, else it is wasted time. IMO include her after you’ve narrowed the field, your call.
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We still share the same back with different accounts.
Yea, we still do too. My L advised me not to close the accounts. I have forty seven dollars at risk here. It sounds as though you are keeping your risk minimized also. So she rattled the cage. Try and act nonchalant “as if” about it. If she is anything like my STBX she poked the bear and is watching for the reaction. Don’t give her the satisfaction.
Child Support – Yes. I agree fund your own college fund for her.
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In January wife came one day andtook everything that every belonged to our daughter.
OK, so this just chaps my backside. It is just wrong. You’ve got to handle this right. Calmly with integrity and honor don’t lose your cool about it during a C session, and don’t itch to bring it up.
The loss of trust this caused is probably the main issue all can agree upon. Let the C lead. If you need to, discuss these kinds of things in a private session. You’ll likely have at least one.
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I'll always live with the fear that my wife might again pull on more stunt like this on me.
No you won’t, not always, you’ll either rebuild the trust a married couple has or you will not.
If not you’ll still be your daughters Dad! Never forget that!
You’ve come a long way. You’ve done most of the heavy lifting however this turns out you are a better person.
Do not sell yourself cheaply. People generally value more those things they have to work hard to obtain.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
KD, CS, JS : Nice to hear from you guys!! Thanks for all your suggestions. \
In_Shock, thanks for stopping by.
When i talked to daughter yesterday, i did mention to wife that she could tell me if she wanted any transfers from 'my' accounts. She started apologizing saying she did not know why she did it etc. Yea i know that from her That does not mean she is sorry. She's upset. But either way I was glad that i did not remain mute on it.
I think in my case the only way i can re-connect with my wife and hope to have a long marriage is if i can keep my 'manhood' so to speak, but in a mature way. I am slowly learning it and it does feel empowering.
But yea, unless something really bad happens...i tending more toward getting back with her. But i am in no hurry. I am gonna wait until she finds herself.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Well i did hear some sobering news from my lawyer yesterday. I told her about the counseling thingy. While she said that it was good, she also cautioned that my wife could use our convo against me.
8 months ago, i would have scoffed that my wife would not do that. But then i was also caught blind sighted when i found that she took my diary i wrote about my depression to use it in court if needed to get sole custody of daughter. Now i am worried if all this some crazy routine for her to use our convo against me. Wow, my trust in her is totally gone...
Maybe i should just watch what i say during counseling. But then, what is the use of counseling if we cannot put all our cards on the table???
This is nuts!!
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Be like a smooth moving river. On the surface so calm, but underneath so strong and powerful. Do not take your "recovering doormat" to the opposite extreme, like an angry child. In some ways it takes more strength to forgive someone their own weaknesses, than to hold on to anger.
The only question you really need to answer is: is this the one I want to be with? The mother of your child is one important factor to weigh against any grass that appears greener on the other side of the fence.
With regards to the bank accounts, either give her access or do not. Do not give her access and then be angry when she uses it. Don't put a bloody piece of meat in front of a lion, then get mad when it takes a bite.
Counseling is a chance for your W to learn you are not the man she thought you were. You do not want to "put all your cards on the table" in marriage counseling anyway. You DB her in there and you may as well DB the counseler also! If you need to get it all out, do some individual counseling.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Now as far as handshake agreements go (with people you are struggling with trust)... just ask Val how it can happen when you give people too much authority when they aren't quite ready for it... regarding money...
(Karma - My wife and I had an handshake agreement, she broke it and took out money w/o telling me after 3 months separated. I froze the account without even telling her. It got very ugly for about a month)
Funny thing about that KD - my w actually brought that up in mediation on Tuesday.
This time the reason she took out the money was because she couldn't afford the dentist because she covers my health insurance. But the new iphone and a trip to Chicago.. those weren't reasons at all.
She will see what she wants to see.
Just goes to show that WAW can come up with ANY reason to justify their actions.. and that is why they can't really be trusted.
FWIW - I am so thankful I did it. Am I nervous about 90% of my assets being frozen.. of course, but better frozen than gone.
Now I only worry about the expiration date on the check vs if my w has come up with another "reason" to take out money.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
(Karma - My wife and I had an handshake agreement, she broke it and took out money w/o telling me after 3 months separated. I froze the account without even telling her. It got very ugly for about a month)
Just goes to show that WAW can come up with ANY reason to justify their actions.. and that is why they can't really be trusted.
And, it's not just money... I just got an angry email from my W regarding visits with the kids... Unfortunately, I have to be careful balancing budget with visits, so told my W I was going to have to skip a couple visits...
My W resonds with venom, telling me how much the kids miss me... and I'm thinking... that didn't seem to be an issue when W scheduled the kids for about 15 days total over the summer holidays with me...
In the mind of a WAS/MLCer... there will always be a good and just reason...
SF, Valeska, KD : Thanks for stopping by. Sorry did not reply sooner. I took a break for a weak to spend some time just vegetating
SF, very valid points on the bank accounts and the counseling.
Journaling....
So the week before last was my exam. Glad i am done with. Did not do so great. Well, i only prepared for it a month before. what did i expect
That saturday, i visited my daughter. We had fun time. Went to home depot and some a kids project. We built a helicopter. Then daughter remarked on how my helicopter was bigger (My R/c helicopters). Sometimes i am so surprised on how much little kids remember. Then again she remarks on how we could play when she comes visiting me. Bittersweet memories.
Just that in the morning when i was talking to my dad he told me he heard some bad stuff being talked about me back home. My Wife's grandparents and my Dad are from the same town. So his family heard some rumors that my wife filed for divorce because i was... impotent. This was the most craziest stuff i have heard. Yup we waited 7 years to have our daughter out of choice. And yup, our sex life was shot because our relationship was going down the drain. I guess the bigger problem was that for me, i lost my mojo as our emotional distance increased. It was a vicious circle.
Not something i wanted to hear on my way to visit wife and see my daughter. But i wanted to ask her about it.
So in the evening after daughter and i said our bye-byes i asked wife as to where she is in terms on Divorce situation. That was the lead that led to about 3 hours worth of talking. Mostly civil talk, we sat outside a Starbucks and chatted. For the first time in my life i was not freaking out inside on the fear of hurting my wife or angering her. I was calm, okay with any kind of eventuality. I was trying to analyzing her. Funny, i never did this in all our 11 years. Some things i felt were.
1: She seems to be more upset with her parents now that they are not supporting her in her cause. She is upset on what her life might turn out to be.
2: She is not so upset that we are broken as a family. Just that her life is harder now. She talked about how if we do get back, it will just be the 3 of us and that she will let my parents have a relationship with daughter.
3: I told her that if we do get back that status quo must change. That we should start by the families stopping the crazy no-contact and that she should talk to my family. She got angry saying that i was back again with my same old craziness. The way i look at it. I was okay when she was not talking to my folks. But i drove me nuts inside and destroyed me emotionally. How can i go back to the same stuff. But then she says that over time she will start talking. The way i see, it is the same boat as we were in December
4: At one point she mentioned on how nice it would be if we were living in the same apartment complex but different units so that we could easily ferry daughter between us. That told me that she is not actually interested in getting back. That right now she is having lot of pressure (real world, family) and so she is just reacting to it. He reasons to work on the marriage are wrong.
5: I did ask her on rumors on the impotent thingy. She first denied it. Then she said she did know if a family member was spreading the news. Then she said that she could understand how i felt. I told her that i was not looking for sympathy. That i wanted her to know that i was upset by slandering of my name.
6: We did rehash some history that again just got painful. I guess now i can see why she wanted to talk about this with a counselor. I told her that i'd look for one. Again she told me very clearly that she might not come back just because we go counseling.
Our talks were all over the place. I did my best to show her i cared less if she did not come back. I was not a jerk, but i did not sound needy either.
I spent a lot of last week thinking if it was even worth it for counseling. The more i hear from her and see her attitude, i don't want to be with her anymore. But the moment the thought of my daughter gets in, i melt. I want to do anything to be with my daughter. But my fear is that i dont see any positive changes in wife. And worst of all, with more convo's i had with wife on sunday and monday, i felt like i was being manipulated.
One question i did ask her was as to why when i called my wife and told her that my grandfather died: That 2 hours later she calls me up and tells me that she filed. That why it could not have waited for the next day. She had an answer. She told me that she was tired of waiting for right moments and that she just wanted to get that info out to me. I was hoping that she would in the least tell me that perhaps it was not the right time she told me that. But i saw no remorse.
Another question i asked was as to why she sought sole custody of daughter when she talked the stuff about being fair and knowing very well that i initially started off by not using a lawyer. She told me this "Husband when you go to fight, you will always use all the armaments you have with you. You just dont use less". This truly shocked me i guess. My wife was the person who i thought i could share the most deepest thoughts. She knew me in and out because i kept no secrets from her. And even after she filed i went initially without a lawyer because i truly believed that she would not take advantage of me. I was totally wrong. To her i was just a game where she had to win. So she attacked with all that she had. I am sure she knew that i might just let-in like i usually do. But i guess this time i fought back. So is this person a spouse?? Hell i would not even prefer to be friends with such a person.
I don't want to sound self-righteous because i know i too have many flaws. It is just that i feel my personality is just too mellow for her type. I dunno, maybe i am wrong. Maybe i am getting cocky now i am learning to stand by myself.
I guess that is why i'll still go to the counseling with her. Maybe i'll know from the counselor if i am expecting the moon from my wife....
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I guess that is why i'll still go to the counseling with her. Maybe i'll know from the counselor if i am expecting the moon from my wife....
You're merely setting boundaries. But - I might be stating the obvious here - always keep in mind that we have boundaries when we're single or DB/DRing, and boundaries when we're in a relationship. Moreover, both you and your wife (especially) still carry a certain level of resentment. It's up to her to either keep that in check and/or eradicate it altogether. Give yourself time and reasonable space; you're still mending (?) on shattered glass here, so things can and will still be painful and sensitive.
That does not mean she is sorry. She's upset. But either way I was glad that i did not remain mute on it.