Punches??What punches?

[Redo]

Journaling.

Wow I am now going longer before i journal here or even visit the site. Not that i am now coping better. I think i am back on the familiar path of getting stuck with my hobbies. Time to tone my hobbies down a bit.

This weekend was grandparents day. Wife told me during the week to visit daughter next week. It did not even strike me until the weekend as to why she said it. It did hurt. But i tried to drown it by binge eating this weekend. Just wanted down time this weekend and did not call daughter.

This morning i just had an epiphany. I never really analyzed my wife through all the years. I guess i always thought that i was so 'defective' that i did not have the rights to analyze her. Now when i do i see how different we are. I wear my heart on my sleeve. If my wife did not contact me for a day or two, i'd freak out and call her to make sure everything was okay. Every day when i talk with daughter, i also tell 'bye' to wife even if she does not reciprocate. I am realizing that we are so different. I guess she is not as expressive as i am. I guess the worse part is my family somehow always though that my wife and her family were 'cold'. Meaning that they gave more importance to their decisions and judgements. I used to brush them away thinking it was usual family feud stuff. Now i am beginning to see that wife can completely hide her true feelings just because either her ego comes in her way or she does not want to appear soft. Either way, I am begining to see it. I never thought i had a choice in choosing a person whom i chose to love. My family chose my wife and i decided to love her. I feel dumb now.

I dunno. lots of rambling. I'll need to take some time to find my center physically and emotionally.

[spellfire]

Good that you are still having those realizations. Try not to lose momentum. Keep learning about yourself.

[Still learning]

I guess i am more angry with myself when i look back to see how badly i compromised myself over the years. If i knew what i was doing wrong, i could tried to help both of us.

Totally understand, MK. But, of course, looking back and being angry at ourselves for how we were is proof we've learned something....it's a good sign, right?

[Redo]

SF, SL, Thanks for dropping by. Yea now that i am actually analyzing my wife and seeing all the 'new' stuff, I feel weird. I also feel shocked as to why i did not do this before

Oh well better late than never.

[Redo]

It has been a loong time since i posted here. Work getting busy and i am preparing for my crazy exam this friday... I feel like i am back in school

Need some advice BITS.

Last time we had some breakthrough was in august when wife asked if we should meet under the guidance of a counselor to see if we can reconnect. I told her i needed time to think. I did not get back to her on that issue. This weekend we were talking about daughter and she bought up some money issue saying if i could start paying the full agreed amount of child support payment. I said no problem as it would be the amount i would pay anyway if the D went through. Then she brings up another topic of paying into deaughter's 529 plan that we opened last year. I named my wife as the sole beneficiary for that account(had no clue that the D was coming at that time). Now i was planning on starting my own for my daughter. So i told her

"wife i have no idea as to where our situation is right now. My lawyer asks me on the status and i dont know what the status is. What are you planning on doing?"

W : "regarding what?"
M : "Regarding the divorce"

W : "Last time i talked to you about the counselor. You said you will think and get back"
M : " Yea i got busy with exam. I'll visit it this weekend."
W : " Why did you ask if we should get back?"
M : "Thats because i always give everything one last chance"
W : "So i suggested in regards to it to talk under a counselor. We are too angry to talk to each other right now without the counselor. Who knows we might NOT click even with the counselor. I am not sure myself."
M : "Okay. Let me finish with the exam. Then i'll try to get a counselor. let us see. I hate to see daughter grow up without a dad"
W : "me too"

I have lot of questions on this.

1: One part of me feels i am doing right thing. Other says wife still is acting like she is doing me favor here. That this is no good. So i have decided to go with the counsellor for some sessions. See how she behaves. If i dont see anything that i like anymore, I am planning on asking my lawyer to proceed ahead. Any feedback?

2: We still share the same back with different accounts. Yesterday wife moved some money from one of my account to another account of mine (both my accounts). Then she emails me about it. I was upset. Right after filing for divorce she immediately removed my name from our savings as she was the primary account holder. At that time i just let it go. But on this situation i am really upset that she thinks that she can mess with my accounts. I am thinking of telling her politely to NOT touch any of my accounts even if she has access to them.

3: In January wife came one day andtook everything that every belonged to our daughter. When i say everything, it was everything. Only things left behind were dresses that my mom gave for my daughter. Later on she found out that her parents home would not accommodate all our daughter's stuff. So she gave away or sold most of them. There are lot of toys i bought for my daughter and i recently found out that those toys were among them. I want to vent here as it really burns me up with rage. I have an empty house here that just 9 months ago was filled with my daughter's toys. My wife could have just let me know and i would taken back my daughter's stuff so she can have some stuff when she came to my place. It upsets me so much to see how much this woman has destroyed my trust in her. I trusted her blindly all these years and never in my dreams would i think she would pull this stunt of hers. Right now my trust in her is slowly eroding away and honestly i dont want to be with her. The only string that is still keeping is my daughter. I dont want to see my baby grow up without a dad.
My question is should i bring up these topics with the counselor and talk about them with her in room so i can get some closure. Or do i just bury them and try to forget them.

I am ready for lot of 2x4's. And i have to acknowledge.

1: I know there are lot of you who would give anything to be in a situation where i am. I know i used to hope the same when i read other sitches. But now i feel "is this even worth it now". I'll always live with the fear that my wife might again pull on more stunt like this on me. I dont think i can take one more.

2: Compared to other sitches here, my sitch is very mild. I have to be thankful to god for that.

Help!

[~ kd ~]

First, I don't see a problem with a shot at counseling... why not...? Could it hurt? Maybe... take it slow...

This is my opinion regarding the bank... can she withdraw or transfer money out of your account? If so, then maybe open a new account and put at the very least 50% of the money in an account she cannot touch...

[Redo]

Thanks KD.

Yup, my thoughts too were to give MC a shot. This time i am not gonna be passive. I know what i want addressed. So it should be productive for me in the least.

The banks. Yea my main bank is changed. I just keep some extra cash in this bank. We did have an implict agreement that though we can see each others accounts when we log in, we would not be snooping around or messing with each other's accounts. It was that way until yesterday. I wonder if wife was emboldened by the fact that i adid agree to the MC thingy. What upsets me is not that she touched the money. It is the fact that right i feel like i am back in the old game where i play by her rules. Before i did not care. Now i do.

[~ kd ~]

hang on and back the truck up... just a bit...

Again, this is JUST MY OPINION... maybe... say NOTHING to your W about the account... who knows... could just be a "test" to get a reaction from her... be wary of any comment you might make about it...

I would only address it if she eventually brought it up... then I would say something like, "Yeah, I noticed that money got moved..." and leave it at that... but that's just me suggesting words that I've never had to say...

Now as far as handshake agreements go (with people you are struggling with trust)... just ask Val how it can happen when you give people too much authority when they aren't quite ready for it... regarding money...

[Redo]

who knows... could just be a "test" to get a reaction from her... be wary of any comment you might make about it...

You know, i never thought of it that way...hmm...
But even if it is a test, why i am try to prove myself to her
I dont want to sound cocky, but I am a recovering doormat. I am so scared of falling back into my old habits of not speaking up and hurting inside. I feel i'd rather bring it up in a civil way. If she takes it offensively and picks on it, I'll know then that i am not ready for her drama yet.

Right now it is not just about her coming back. I too need to figure out if i really want her back in my life

Yea, should have known about the handshakes. Yup, it way my fault.

[~ kd ~]

Well... then in all fairness my friend... do what you gotta do...

I suspect at your point in the training... there's no right nor wrong... you know the drill... your actions, your consequences...