Stop overthinking it all man. Why feel bad about that interaction? You were simply returning her call, not your fault. Where is STRONG CONFIDENT Karma who doesnt care if she approves or not?
Just because MC didnt work before doesnt mean it cant work this time. Not only have you changed as CS said, but you could also use your new knowledge to select a better MC. New you and changing the MC is changing two thirds of the recipe completely.
The fact that she is suggesting it is a huge step forward. That means she is starting to doubt that she has made the best decision for her and your daughter.
You should take this positive and be happy with it. Some people would give their right arm for that kind of progress.
Remember, the real challenge is YOU, not her. Keep working on that.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I agree. This is huge coming from her. I failed to mention another part of the tale that made me question all the stuff...talking to my family. I talk to my aunt whose suggestion i do listen. I think some of her negative feedback of my wife did rub off on me. Oddly before talking to my aunt, i too thought the same stuff that you guys suggested.
Yea, maybe this time with the MC will be different. I'll have to try. Yup, this time i am not gonna be passive. I also think she would benefit from hearing from a 3rd person instead of just me.
Thanks guys!
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
MK, in this instant gratification society when we make choices we often just go with what we want. We see it, we want it, and we choose it. Rarely do we weigh the risks.
<Begin pure speculation> I do not think for one second she pocket dialed your number. I think she told you exactly why she called. I think when you did not pick up she was embarrassed and covered. I think she is under family pressure to try and make it work again. <End pure speculation>
She chose to call you and took a risk of rejection, small yes, still she chose it. I believe she considered it.
Will she choose to make a real effort in this next getting to know you/communication exercise? We can’t know and speculating about it will waste energy.
You’ve chosen to do this. Given a similar set of circumstances so would I.
What do you risk? How do you mitigate the risks?
You are a different person now than you were when this began. One of the risks I perceive from posts you’ve made is overreaction to fear. I perceive one of your fears is reverting to the old MK. I have no doubt you’ll be under stress at some point. When I am under stress I catch myself reverting and I compensate with these new skills I have learned. You will also.
I perceive some of your new skills as assertiveness and control of self. Do not overcompensate to domination and controlling behaviors. I did and look where I am now.
Read Spellfires sig line. It is a truth. I stand by my earlier post. Don’t sell yourself cheaply, and be a commodity she needs to purchase.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Hey Myk, happy belated b-day! You need to update your sig now!
I'd been meaning to get over to your thread to just say how I think you're doing so well, now. You've come a long way in your journey!
Everything that has been said above by the others, I'd simply repeat...
On the phone call, whether she butt dialed or not...
Did she leave a vm to let you know she didn't mean to call? Do you normally call her back when she calls, vm or not?
I think you did a great DB on returning the call and unless you did call her hoping to get a happy birthday comment, then you were simply DBing... and hey... she didn't have to wish you a happy b-day... she could have just said, "didn't mean to call"
And on the MC thing...
Like everyone said, you're in a different mindset, now... that alone changes the dynamic...
second, last time you went to MC, did you initiate it, or did she... I expect YOU asked for it and she went... even if not... understand that SHE is asking for MC at this time...
Because you're in a better place, you could probably last 10 sessions just listening... while she complained about you and your communication issues... until the MC finally holds a mirror up in front of her and she faces HER issues...
Keep on truckin' man! You really are in a good place!
JS : What you said is absolutely right. I think i failed to look at things from her POV. Yup, i have to be careful not to fall into trap of thinking that control is being assertive. Thats a fine line i have to learn to distinguish. Thanks for pointing it out.
KD : You are right about the MC. I thought about it yesterday. In the past whenever we went to the MC, it was always to figure out my issues and help me. I was the big patient. It never even occurred to me that i too should be trying to figure out what actions of hers hurt me and convey them. Now i see things a lot more clearly. I guess now when we do go to the MC, i know that i am not totally screwed up. This time perhaps i can use the MC to figure out we can truly make it work.
The only thing i need to figure out is how control this old fear that seems to be resurfacing a lil bit. Fear of 'what happens if it does not work out??' But even here, i am much better now than i was back in Jan.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Oh dang -- haven't been here in a while and here you are having awesome positive progress in your relationship with your wife. Keep it going, Karma! And happy conception day!
Always remember, most people who know you are not really interested in helping you. It is not that they do not love you, sometimes that very love clouds their judgement. Sometimes they will be angry at your W and that will affect their words. Some just like the attention and sound of their own voice and don't really have anything of value to offer. Maybe there is someone who can offer objective wisdom, but that is a rare person indeed.
It is best if you also "DB" friends and family members, both yours and hers. What I mean is, don't be influenced by their opinions. Keep your core strong and resiliant to negative influence. Trust in yourself and what you have learned. Look to objective third parties for wisdom, not those with an emotional investment.
If you find conversation with a particular person is bringing you down, cut off the R talk with them (not all talk, just R talk).
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Thanks for dropping by Alamo. "Conception day?" Hey not sure what this
SF : Yup, you are very right that people close to us can tend to give us wrong advice even though they did not intend to. My aunt loves me a lot and right now she is pissed off at my wife. I usually take any advice with a lot of salt
Yup, someone here suggested the same about DBing family too. I DB a lot with my mom. It does work wonders.
I think right now i'll need to give myself some time to process all this stuff. I am not gonna hurry on anything. I am sure my wife can wait if she does not hear my feedback on her suggestion.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Took some time off the forums for the long weekend. Had some pending garage projects that needed some attention.
I still have not replied to wife about her suggestion on us meeting each other under a counsellor. I really want to take some time for myself. I am feeling very conflicted and angry about her nowadays. I guess i am more angry with myself when i look back to see how badly i compromised myself over the years. If i knew what i was doing wrong, i could tried to help both of us.
I guess 'batter late than never'. I am surprised about myself as how i feel that i should expect some attributes from my partner. I never had this expectation from my wife.
A new twist is also the crazy fires burning near Austin. Thankfully my house is not nearby, but i feel terrible about all the folks who lost their homes. It really destroys your sense of security.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
