wow im severely stuck today. very little communication going on between us. she didnt say it was over, but him being there when i was picking up kids felt like a big sign, so i have only been responding to her texts, not sending any to her.
over the last 3 days i worked on the house and getting some stuff done around there, hung out with my mom and spent 4 hours with 2 kids at the dealership for an oil change...
while dropping kids off, i briefly asked if her and he were a thing now, she said no. like she would be honest though. i know i should not have asked, and my answer is in her actions anyway, so i just need to keep working on me. the rest of the brief conversation was fine, told her about the car and a few finances since we are super tight with money right now.
so issue this morning...
she is staying at her moms house, and after last week when she got pretty mad at me and hung up, she has been staying there now with the kids on days that i work.
last night, grandpa got a little crazy and sounded like he was yelling and screaming and being pretty mean to my wife and kids, he even bumped my wife a few times and she called the police on him. he ended up leaving his house, and the kids and her and grandma stayed the night, once grandma left he was back and yelling again this morning, so my wife got her and the kids out of there.
ok so this is where im stuck... i dont know what to do. before she got angry at me last week the kids were staying with me every night and she was the only one sleeping at her moms and then coming back to them in the morning. when i saw him hiding when i went to pick up kids sat night i did ask her for the key back to my house. she had not used it the last 2 days anyway, but still.
i dont want to save her, or think im trying to, or her only option or whatever you want to call it. how do i offer her a solution for where her and the kids can stay so they feel safe. or at least the kids again after last night.
one thing she got super made at me for, was me telling her she always acts like the victim. and i want to help her, but how?
the other wrinkle is the OM has offered to pay for a place for her to live, this seems like something that would be sort of the death nell to our marriage to me having my wife live somewhere being paid for by a guy that is still chasing after her...
bottom line, i want to help her, but i want her to be able to stand on her own 2 feet as well, i dont want her to feel like i saved her, that will just have her feel more resentment towards me and push her further away.
and the kicker does feel like if i dont save her, he will.
sorry if this is not making sense or if im not getting how i feel across properly
any advise would be helpful, all i have responded with is
Stop asking her anything that's not essential, and most things are NOT essential. Text or email if you can. Reduce contact with her until you are ready to not blow it. That means at least a few weeks...at least. Plus the less contact you have, the more that your changes, if you make them, will be noticeable after you are apart awhile.
You said you have to stop blowing this, and I agree. So stop asking and pursuing like she told you to do. That's what you said you would begig doing "now"...
the very NEXT time you saw her, you asked her about OM...what?? that has to be a record for shortest lived "DB Change"... Be disciplined and take the advice we are all hurling your way (and take your own advice)--Or don't, and live with regrets the rest of your life.
This is not easy, but it is simple. It's hard but just not that complicated.
She said she wants space...so give it to her. No brainer.
She said "no" to your question. Of course it's an inappropriate question and of course she could lie, but she could also tell the truth... what if you let that possible lie, comfort you enough so you don't keep probing and ripping the scab off? What if you at least pretend you believe her, just so it keeps you from blowing it more? Food for thought...
Do you get this?^^^
If you are trying to get her to see what m to you could be like, "from this day forward", which means letting go of the past and embracing a new loving future together (which I hope is the goal)
then start by shutting up about the OM. Otherwise, that constant breaking of your promises and pursuing her when she wants space,
and nagging and needing and obsessing, is what she'll expect of more of with marriage to you. She won't want that. Frankly, who would?
So, what's the solution to this complex issue? Oh, so simple... Being quiet, being still...working on you and you only. For real.
Be the best man you can be, and leave the rest of it - up to God. HE knows and He gets it. Trust Him. Let Him change you. It's okay that you can't do this by yourself but you do have to do it...period.
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
thanks, i really have stopped texting and calling, responded to things that she asks but not pursuing her with those methods. and i was doing fine with the conversation until my oldest asked about the OM and when he was going to see him next, and that he promised he was going to buy something for my oldest. i was not expecting that, and yes it caused me to blow it for a few minutes. it didnt turn into a huge discussion or long, but your right, i did ask about him, again.
and yes i dont think she would lie to me, so i will stop ripping the scab off and be more prepared for my kids to mention him and then not have to ask myself about him as well.
i go over the tools and the notes i take in classes once a day at least, and printed out the 37 things not to do. i feel stronger and better, just not 100% there yet.
refer your children's questions about OM to your w. And don't listen for the answer, leave it alone.
how are YOU with the kids now? Remember that thing about being the best dad you can be?
it's so important, now more than ever. No mother is untouched by it --but make sure you are there FOR your kids, as opposed to having them around to comfort You...make sense?
Learn from the mistakes and don't repeat them. If you can do THIS, you'll be surprised at how far your progress will take you. If you stay stuck and repeat the same mistakes, a lot, it cements her choice to bolt.
You get that, right? I mean, you don't have to feel okay about it but you understand why this wuold be the case, right?
So, you're human and you fell but you got back up again. Believe her about the OM
b/c until something proving otherwise is tossed into your lap (do NOT snoop)
it'll keep you from freaking again. Freaking out, or 'losing it", is a serious backslide that will do m more to sabotage your DB efforts than aything else. Keep it together. Be a good dad, do your 180s, DETACH and GAL.
I'm glad you printed out the "rules"...I sure had to. I cut the paper in half to make it small enough to fit into my purse, and I even put them on my Ipod by talking into it so I could hear them too...
I had to. I had to keep it together. So do you.
(( ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
so the last 2 days and today i have stopped talking R or really talking to her at all. i respond when she texts but its few and far between now, and its usually cold and right to the point about kids/money or car. lot of car issues this week.
so we have 2 vans, (3kids) and we had been switching then between days to help save on fuel, one is in a little better shape so hopefully better gas mileage. we didnt switch this week, and yesterday i got a text from her saying hey, car is overheating what should i do? i asked if the coolant is low or gone and then she texts back, coolant is full, nevermind. (im soooo not a car person) so me being the good DB'er i throw out one more thing it could be (check oil level) and i dont say any more.
fast forward to today, get a text... starts out, "i know you dont feel its your problem by my car is overheating every time i drive it now. and now i have a strange noise coming out of the dashboard"
i ask what she would like me to do. at this point no answer i have is going to work, wages were garnished for a medical bill, and we have no money til the 15th, 2 car payments behind on the other car, no tags for either, like i said before im not a car person so i cant just look at it and fix it myself. i dont know what im supposed to do or respond???
and just got back 'since my safety is never of any consequence to you, just letting you know kids might not get to school, as that effect is the only one that will matter to you'
i feel like this is a great time for a 180 somehow, but i dont have any solutions.
i can switch cars with her again, but if i cant get to work even bigger issue (30 mile drive)
i could have her drive me to work and pick me up, though this option will not appeal to her
have a friend/family member look at car?
im really stuck. i dont know what i can or should say to not dig myself further away from her, and push her away. sadly OM will probably step in and save her yet again. ah to be single and living with you parents. makes it easy to be the hero.
so nothing further ased or talked about with the car for now...
i did send one text back and said something like 'im guessing by my actions in the past make it seem like i dont care about your safety, i do truly care and will do all that i can to make you feel safe'
hope thats not pursuing too much and still lets her make a choice about using me for anything to help.
on the other issue about our kids, she asked yesterday or said... she needed me to watch them friday night if that was ok, i said that it was and until just a minute ago thought thats what we were doing. got another text that basically said she has found arrangements for the kids tonight, she no longer needs me but thank you anyway.
im truly not out to win, but it feels like by me leaving her alone she is just moving even further away from me. yes im mind reading a bit, and i know i cannot change her, so i will not try, just venting a bit here cause yeah its a little bit scary not knowing, and since knowing everything is how i controlled her in the past.
i was getting a bit nervous about seeing her tonight anyway so this puts that off til tomorrow. the in person contact is where im still pretty bad. ive been pre loading how to react to, and to expect anything!
so i have another evening to GAL tonight, a few hours at least. lets see if i can find something fun to do!
i did send one text back and said something like 'im guessing by my actions in the past make it seem like i dont care about your safety, i do truly care and will do all that i can to make you feel safe'
sorry i said help you feel safe, not make in the text, just checked. make implies a whole different thing, and is part of the wording im trying to avoid using with her, or anyone for that matter.
re-read some previous posts to my situation... wow. i have a long time to go here, this is not a quick fix anymore like i keep hoping. 25 said above... 2 weeks. be quiet, be still for 2 weeks. its been 2 days and i am seeing some cracks.
thanks all for posting your situations as well, i read through most of them and they do help, wishing you all the best of luck even if i dont post on your forum.
this is a personality change i needed to be more patient, and well i need to be patient to change so its rough. ill keep venting here to hold off talking to her. we will see how it goes!
