Just Be 2

[Denver_2010]

Just realized that my thread is over 100 ... reposting..

UPDATE...

No contact with W since her last text to me on Friday night that my garage door was open. She did not reply to the response that I sent to her on Saturday.

TODAY...

I received email notification of my cell phone bill. W and SS are both on same plan as me. My credit card pays the bill, but W is the only one who has access to the online account. The bill was $200 more than usual.

I initiated text convo with W regarding bill.

Me: "Hi there. Hey, just got our verizon bill. It is $450. That is over $200 the normal bill. Can u check the statement and find out why it was over?"

W responded immediately.

W: "sure. How are you?"

Me: "Thanks. Let me know what the problem was if you don't mind. I'm well."

W: "Ok I will. I've been thinking about you the last few days. Feel like we should've talked more after that night at SIL's"

I did NOT respond.

I was at a coffee shop doing some work. About an hour or so later after W's last text, SS came in and surprised me. I asked him who he was with. He said his mom. I asked where she was. He said next door at the post office. I chatted with SS for a while. W came in a little later. It was very awkward.

We made small talk. W said that she had come out here (our suburb - now 25 minutes from where she lives) to take Seth and one of his friends swimming at our pool.

More chit chat. W made comment about me not contacting SS the past 2 weeks. I just smiled, looked at SS, and said to him, "he hasn't contacted me either." I then told him "you know you can call me any time right?" He said that he knew.

After a little while, I got up from where I was sitting and started to walk towards the exit. I was trying to usher W out but not too blatantly. W and SS walked outside with me.

W had just got off the phone with SIL and needed to wait for her to bring her something. So I stood outside with W and SS while she waited.

We were chatting about the pool and the how nice a day it was for that. I told her that I am going to the pool on Saturday.

W asked me "with who?"

I told her that I was going with a couple of friends.

She asked me again, "with who?"

I told her, "I think that S is driving up"

W then said, "Not your girlfriend?"

I ignored her question and continued with whatever conversation I was having with SS.

Then W said, "probably not a good idea to take her to our pool"

I again ignored her comment.

SIL showed up to give W whatever she was waiting for. I hugged SS goodbye. told them to have fun. I waved goodbye to W.

----------------

about 1/2 an hour later W initiated text conversation.

W: "so are you just not talking to me or what? You've said nothing at all. Not sure what you're up to if anything. Do you plan t stay in touch or just let your lawyer contact me? Are you seeing that woman?"

I waited about 15 minutes to reply ... was trying to figure out how I wanted to reply.

Me: "You have been clear about what you want. At this point, I need space too. I know you understand. Talk to you later."

W: "I don't know what i want. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. I love you and miss you. I'd like to know we'd be ok, bit I don't know. Then when you tell me you want to date some woman you've been talking to all these years, it just reminds me again of how little you respected me and our relationship."

I waited about an hour to reply ... I admit that I wrote out a few different versions of a reply... and had some help from some bits.

Me: "I've taken responsibility for everything that I have done. I've held myself accountable. I still am. And I'm finally working on forgiving myself. You told me to move on with my life. I was crystal clear about what I wanted for us. You have said that you need time and space. That is what I'm giving you, and myself, right now."

Just as I sent that text, W sent me a text about our cell phone bill. We exchanged a few more texts about that, but she has not replied to my last substantive text.

W then just called about cell phone stuff. After discussing the cell phone bill, she began to talk about anything and everything... about her day job, SS, her new place, a problem with the neighbor... blah, blah, blah.

I only listened. Chuckled at a couple of things. I tried to end the convo 2x but she cut me off and kept talking. Finally, she said, 'I will stop gabbing so that you can go do what you need to do'. I said 'ok. Bye.' she said 'bye' and we got off the phone.

That's it for now.

BITS
Denver

P.S. There are lots of great posts that I'd like to reply to. Want to thank everyone for your thoughts. Again, I read all of your posts and many of them twice. I don't know what I'd do if it weren't for all of you...

[♪CS♪]

Denver, have you thought about what you need from her for you to give the M another shot?

[~¤DG¤~]

Ooh, it seems your W doesn't like the idea of you with another W, eh?

It sounds like you are doing a good job! Keep it up!

[MHL]

Denver,

First, I hesitate to post more to you because your thread grows like wildfire, and I know I am part of that

guess we are all captivated by what seems to be a wayward spouse that wants to come back however the road is bumpy and it is certainly not clear.

The Bumpy part is the nature of the beast and she knows that, however I am not sure that you do........piecing is going to be hard if you get there, I think you can, however what peicing will look like for you is impacted by what you are doing and saying now.

As for the "clear" part of the road back..........you are the one that is making it hard for her to see.

That is where you communicate clearly and lovingly what it is that you want and what it is that you need along the way, then let her decide.

She soooo bad wants you to be the MAN and show her the way, not force her but show her the path so she can decide.

IMO, I don't think that it was ever really communicated clearly to her what you needed in order to "work on things", additionally she never really committed to working on things....

but you guys carried on anyways, hurting each other along the way.

Now you have your catalyst to really leave her alone and she is the one seeking some clarification and you are now the one sending mixed signals.

Telling her this VVVVVVVV.

At this point, I need space too.

and then dating your OW is a mixed signal.

You are now doing the same thing to her.

Let me translate what you said to her..........

I want to date this other woman for a while.......so can you leave me alone while I do this thing I want to do for me? I am sure you can understand.

W: "Ok I will. I've been thinking about you the last few days. Feel like we should've talked more after that night at SIL's"

I did NOT respond.

I understand why you did not respond but does she???

That behavior is part of a "boundary" (I shudder to bring that word back into your thread) to protect you from getting hurt by her actions and words while she is undecided.

She is not aware of the boundary so you just come off looking like a jerk when you don't respond.

And if it is not a boundary then it is just mean and you are still coming of like a jerk.

I am not calling you a jerk, just telling you that you are making yourself look like one.

W: "I don't know what i want. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. I love you and miss you. I'd like to know we'd be ok, but I don't know.

If you remove the OW from the picture..........this would have been a perfect opportunity to tell her exactly what you want and need.

W, I miss and love you too. I completely understand that you are unsure about us, there are no guarantees. I think that it would take a lot of work and I am willing to do what it takes however it hurts me when you have contact with the OM. I can not work on us if there is any contact with him at all. (Let her figure that one out, not you.) When you are ready to try I would welcome the opportunity to sit down with you and talk about what we need from each other in order for that to happen. Until that time I cannot have casual contact with you as it hurts me while you are undecided, I am sure you can understand.

I think I posted something similar to that about 2 months ago before the OW came into the picture.

If you had said that to her right after the toilet incident and then really had left her alone...........where do you think you might be today??????

so that was 2 months wasted, and now you are going to put things on hold again for how long????

I will try to end yet another ridiculously long post with this......

It is so apparent that you are not done with you W or your M otherwise you would not be posting all the details of this interaction.

Furthermore you would not be drafting two or three responses to a text she sent you.......right???

Be honest with yourself first.......and then be honest with your W when you figure it out.

If you need figure out how you feel about your wife and your marriage while you are with another woman.......

How does that make you any different than your wife being with the OM while she figures her sh!t out????

Hope this helps.

Cheers

[♪CS♪]

BTW. My one sentence was meant to say ^^^^ this.

MHL, Droppin' science like Galileo dropped the orange

[2stepboogie]

BTW. My one sentence was meant to say ^^^^ this.

MHL, Droppin' science like Galileo dropped the orange

ROFLMA

[2stepboogie]

BTW. My one sentence was meant to say ^^^^ this.

MHL, Droppin' science like Galileo dropped the orange

ROFLMA

O

[Denver_2010]

Denver, have you thought about what you need from her for you to give the M another shot?

I have CS.

1. Clear statement of commitment and desire to work on M.
2. Some clear action showing true commitment to work on M.
3. Willingness to begin MC.
4. Willingness to sign up for and go to Retrovaille.
5. No contact with OM.
6. Show me how she is going to accomplish no contact with OM.
7. Some sort of transparency plan for both of us until trust is reestablished.

[Starsky309]

[color:#6633FF]Me: "You have been clear about what you want. At this point, I need space too. I know you understand. Talk to you later."

Perfect.


Starsky

[25yearsmlc]

while I don't get the Galileo reference with an orange...

I DO think MHL's sent you a great post.

Okay so Stop ignoring her texts. To HER (and sometimes to me) it usually looks petty and seems like what I imagine the "old Denver" would do...

geez...answer ONE of them, at least, however briefly.


As for what to say now or what strategy...

what is the goal? To keep hope alive? Okay...well...with THAT in mind,

guess you'll have to somehow "keep her on the hook"

without having her lose interest the second she thinks she's risking nothing by staying away...make sense?

On one hand, I suppose you could say something like the below message:

"W, when you refused to stop seeing OM to work on us, You said it was b/c you felt pressure and wanted space. So I'm giving that to you.

I've demonstrated that I'm a changed man. When I told you I could not wait forever, you said 'fine'. Isn't it a tad unfair to question me now about MY committment?"

Denver,

God knows I enjoy the fact that your w is squirming,

b/c SHE has created a lot of this. And

Part of me wants to reach thru this computer, slap her silly and say

"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET!!" and do my happy dance that she's squirming now...

or I could be mature and say I feel for her. But at this age, I don't.

B/C frankly, she sounds like me in high school, wanting to date whomever I wanted, while my ex-boyfriends were to pine for me forever, in case I changed my mind & wanted them back..."

and when THEY dated others, it ALWAYS made me question my choice to break up.

It's my hope that this is only part of what is going on with her now but with a More adult approach.

As in, "uh oh, I am officially risking losing Denver by prolonging this separation...I have to decide".

From her apparent level of discomfort, the options are as follows:

1) she's a user with an ego who simply hates that her ex is with ANYONE...

2) there is at least a chunk of her that cares a lot for you, AND

3) at least a part of her WANTS to believe that things with
you two could be good again. But she needs better...and it may be possible...

Thing is, YOU MUST be able to envision with some detail, what reconciliation would look like-- or your w won't be able to.

And THEN you're going to have to attend Retrovaille, or get seriously good mc with a solution based approach (no more figuring out the past) on how to go forward from now on, supporting each other & growing old...

IDK how you do this, but it's on your TO DO list.

Start with working on YOU and getting clarity for

YOUR GOALS b/c there is certainly confusion on your end too.


My hope is

that you are in the position of the former LBSer (now poss WAS) who decides that HE too, wants to risk his heart,

along with his WAW,

and make a go of it.

But I'm not sure that is what this is. Hope so.

Good luck and listen to MHL/CS...good stuff there.