A little background: I never went on a date until I was in college. Only person that I really dated was the woman I ended up marrying. We lived together for 4 years prior to me giving in to her desire to get married in late 2005. I admit, I did many things wrong in our relationship and marriage (swinging being one of the biggest) and now, the time I am posting this, we are just about completed with our divorce. I have dealt with all the emotions involved in that and I am over her and my marriage. I’m posting here because I tried to save my marriage with DB and there are threads of mine on this site. I’ve made a lot of changes in my life and while I know I’m not perfect and not the best at the relationship game I’ve gotten better. In what I am about to describe I attempted to utilize some DB techniques (such as pulling back LRT style, “act as if”, and some “focus on the problem free times”) in a dating style relationship.
I have gotten into astrology so for anybody who is into it I am an Aries through and through. In March of this year I met an Aquarian co-worker and we hit it off right away. Our personalities clicked and the mutual attraction was evident from day one; sex occurred quickly, was intense and enjoyable for us both. Trust developed rapidly and we talked honestly. One of the most unusual things for me was that while I have had zero interest in children (I have a vasectomy and no children of my own) she has two and I found myself wanting to meet them and spend time with all three of them. Over the course of many talks she told me that she didn’t want to date anybody because she was afraid of being hurt again. At the same time, she told a mutual friend that she was tired of being alone and wanted a companion. Enter the mixed signal.
She would tell me one thing while her body language and actions told me the opposite. At the beginning of June somebody lied to her and told her that I was hitting on another girl. She got very angry at me and told me that we are done; though, according to her, there hadn’t been a “we” in the first place beyond FWB (which is not the best considering the history of swinging but I was emotionally done with my wife and not emotionally or physically involved with anybody other than this woman). She had thought that I was different then other men but after hearing I hit on somebody else she felt I was just like all the other men she’s dated in the past. Her past relationships have tended to be physically and mentally abusive and I always focused on lifting her up and improving her self-esteem. She told me to flirt with or have sex with whoever I wanted, that she just didn’t care and in return I told her she had heard a lie, that I wasn’t interested in any other girls and hadn’t done anything with anybody else.
Things were quiet between us for a couple of weeks (me pulling back LRT style) and she did go have a couple of brief relationships with other men. These brief relationships were like her past ones where she got taken advantage of sexually and emotionally. She was feeling like a piece of meat and lumped me in with the guys who treat her that way. Then we started getting friendly again at the tail end of June and she had stopped “seeing” this other guy. She told me “friends only” but as we got friendly again I got the mixed signals as well. I recently got to spend some time with her face-to-face during a few shifts at work and the mixed signals continued.
You might be wondering what the mixed signals are? Telling me friends only, telling me that there shouldn’t be romantic/sexual overtones or physical contact and then giving me coy smiles, being receptive to physical contact, joking around, talking about intimate personal issues (when you’re a very guarded person), not reacting negatively to stuff on FB, and being vague and “flirty” when asked questions.
So last night she sees an innuendo post on my FB about a girl I’ve been interested in for a while. I get texted that if it’s about her she’s already said we are only friends and I proved to her through my words and actions in our face-to-face time that I can’t respect that she only wants friendship. She told me again that we are different people; this stems from some drug use on her end that I do not approve of and was our biggest point of conflict. I wanted to work on the friendship and establishing a relationship and then deal with the drug use but she keeps using it against me as the reason we wouldn’t work as a couple. She finished up last night by unfriending me on Facebook.
I haven’t responded to the texts or heard anything further from her at the time of this writing. I know that I need to take care of myself, do my own thing, keep my self-esteem intact, and be confident. That’s for my own health and well-being as well as the only way to appear attractive to her or anybody else.
Here’s my dilemma: I’ve been emotionally and physically faithful to this girl for months and continued to be from the beginning of June when she got angry at me and told me to do whatever I wanted; she hasn’t been faithful to me. Her judgment is that at one point in time she thought I wasn’t like every other guy but now she believes I am. I feel like if I “move on” and start dating other people I might gain some happiness and at least have some companionship. This might give me the extra confidence and attractiveness and cause her to get jealous and get interested in me again, but wouldn’t that be doing what every other guy does? If I remain faithful, just wait for her and she finds out that I haven’t been running around with other women, then I’m not displaying the “every other guy” actions and showing her that she truly is special to me?
I know I’m in an emotional state right now so take it for what it’s worth. What I want right this moment is to be with this girl, I want to date her, and I believe that in the long run, if we can work though these current issues, we would be very good for each other. With that in mind, suggestions?
Whoa...I would slow everything way down. First, how long have you been divorced? You need to take the time to love yourself first and to fulfull ALL your needs before going out looking for validation from someone else. You can't gain happiness from someone else, it must come from you. You have to be completely okay with being alone before you even think about being with someone else.
You don't attract what you want you attract what you are. Some people on this board tend to make fun of that statement, but I'm telling you it's true. If you want to attract an emotionally healthy and emotionally available partner, then you have to become that partner. I don't think either one of you are in a place to be dating. It all sounds very superficial and juvenile to me. You are in an emotional state. What's the hurry? Step back and work on yourself awhile so you can attract people who are ready and capable of being in a relationship.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
I think we all tend to re-enact certain primitive childhood scripts. My friend, for instance, grew up in a family where her alcoholic uncle was the "fun" one - and as an adult she is unerringly drawn to alcoholics and ex-alcoholics.
I had a loving father who died unexpectedly when I was 14 - and although this "abandonment" wasn't intentional, I definitely have a history of being drawn to guys who are emotionally unavailable. My challenge is to learn to cut the relationship off when those signs surface early on, rather than make excuses for bad behavior and keep plunging ahead.
The flip side of my dad story is, he loved me so unconditionally, I'm always kind of shocked when boyfriends don't treat me the same way!
I think we just have to work extra- hard to be aware of our patterns. Don't turn away the nice guy who is really into you. Don't keep after the guy who doesn't call you. I'm working on that right now, as my latest date is turning out to be a flake. My instinct is to make excuses for him - but I know really I should run for the hills and don't look back.
into you, sweet, compliments, treat you like a queen - all great
not so smart (or even if it is just your perception) - you are right to not pursue it. You need to respect the person you are with, have them be your equal.
For other potentials, you might have to get past the "lack of chemistry." Your "choser" might very well be off, and that is all chemicals. Give it three dates with a nice guy- once you know someone better, you might find a spark. If not, you learned something along the way.
Now, for me, I am having to try to get over the bald thing. I keep thinking of Charlotte from Sex in the City.....a great guy might come in an unexpected package. (Special note for our fellows here - if you are balding, just shave it all off - it looks so much better than that half-and-half thing!) At your age, you probably won't have that much of an issue with hair
He may be a bit older then you think and is maybe working his way through night school! I don't get the guys shaving their hair either, especially when they have it. I think it funny now that ex doesn't have much on top, he sort of buzz cuts it and then he tries to grow facial hair to compensate.
Men...go figure. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
"You don't attract what you want you attract what you are." I do like that.
But...what if I want to keep the crazy hot emotionally nuts girl that I attracted?
We had great chemistry right off the bat so that's what has confused me now.
My hair grows really fast so I tend to cut it short. I also like mohawks and the only way to do that is to shave down the sides. Asking why men with hair shave it is like asking why women with large chests get breast reductions...it baffles us guys.
On the 7th I took a line out of the midlife crisis section of The Divorce Remedy. I texted her, "I'm sorry you're so upset. I wish things were different." She pounded into me again about the physical contact during our last time seeing each other and all I said is, "I'm sorry." She said I always say that and nothing changes. I finished up with, "I'm crazy :("
I found out from the mutual friend that at some point during this she was dating yet another "old high school friend" for a short time which might be part of why she got so upset with me touching her. Only reason the mutual friend found out about this guy is because the guy dumped her and she cried to the mutual friend.
Since the 7th I've made no contact and had zero from her. I figured my only chance was to LRT because anything else would be chasing behavior.
Healthy or not, what I'm wondering is if DB techniques can work in dating? Should they even be used in a dating situation? And if there is any inclination of "yes" then is my best bet just sticking to LRT?
Ahh, well you guys posted on the date that my divorce got finalized. And from those responses it looks like DBing while dating might be effective even though you think I'm nuts to focus on this girl.
If it were my wife, who cheated on me and started using drugs, would you tell me to stop? To give up and get divorced? Or DB to save the relationship and heal her?
What gets me, though, is the guys WITH hair who shave it off! Why??