Nearly 5 years but who is counting?

[missmyfriend]

In September, it will be the 5th anniversary when my wife told me she no longer wanted to be with me. In November, it will be 5 years since she left.

I can't say my situation has improved. In fact, face value would show it to be much worse. When my wife left, she left the kids with me. We have three kids that are everything to me. A little more than 2 years later, our daughter (now 18) moved in with her mother. A couple of months later, our son (now 16) moved in with his mother but has bounced back and forth between us. Our youngest child, a son, who is not 14 and will be 15 in September, is currently with his mom but has spent most of the time with me.

I miss them all so very much. During the past 5 years, I have made a concerted effort to love my wife from a distance, handle my anger issues (nothing physical) extremely well and continue trying to balance my professional and personal responsibilities.

I have to say my faith in God is the only thing that keeps me going. I know that for some people reading this, that they have decided "sheesh, not another bible thumper" while others are relieved to find someone else who believes in the same thing. What is common, or at least I hope is common, between everyone is the fact that they love their husband or wife and are trying desperately not to give in to the common divorce epidemic and move on to someone new (only to repeat the same mistakes).

Do I find it challenging to stay standing? YES, oh my gosh, yes! But I feel like if I don't stand for my wife and my marriage, I may be giving up right before our marriage could be reconciled and we could experience a better relationship than what we had before everything "went south". Also, I feel that I am not only standing for my marriage but for my entire family. My children have not fared well over the years.

My wife went from being a non-judgmental moral based person to someone who is living with another person and doesn't try to lead our children by example. My kids are having a tough time knowing and living with boundaries because there are no boundaries anymore. My wife does get mad at the kids if they do something that upsets her but she treats all of them like friends, i.e. adults that can make all of their own choices. When they make a choice she isnt happy with, she gets very upset with them.

I'm going to wrap this up. The only thing I really wanted to share with the other standers out there is that you are not alone and, while it isn't easy, we are doing this not only because we love the people in our lives but if we don't stand for them, no one else will. What is more important than family? Other than God? Nothing.

Hang in there. There isn't a time limit on this. I will say that I believe that your spouse will eventually appreciate you being the rock for them and, if you have children, when they grow up, they will appreciate what you did for your family.

Love you all!

Don't give up. Never surrender.

[snowmm]

MMF - always glad to see someone post who is "standing" and who is also about the same time as what I have experienced. It will be 5 years in December since I got the bomb but I knew something was up in August of that year.

It is a challenge to keep standing but lately I have found so much peace. It is just so nice to know that God is in control and that I have His promise. Not promises from books, people, or even reading what we learn from here. The promise for me is from Him. (So many promises!)

I would love to know who has received a promise from God and is willing to share it.

My husband and I are still in the same house. His anger is gone. His latest mode can only be described as withdrawn. Six weeks ago he was telling me when he was going and where he was going. Now...very little information. He will answer questions if I ask him but does not give information freely.

Keep standing, praying, and believing.

God bless!

[Dawn of Hope]

MMF, I'm delighted to see another one who is determined to hold to his vows until parted by death. There are so few of us, it seems sometimes, and even when you firmly believe that it's what God wants, it gets tiring to hold out against all the people who think you should "move on" and give up on your S after a certain period of time or sequence of events. Do you read the "Charlyne Cares" devotionals? They have really helped me stand strong.

It's approaching 4 years for me, and about 2-1/2 since my H moved out. No legal action has been taken, so we are still M, although you would never know it by the circumstances. No noteworthy signs of R that I can see, but I don't expect God to keep me informed about everything that's going on on the other side of the mountain. I have a lot of trouble hearing God's voice, and I can't say I have received a personal promise from God, but I believe that even if I knew for sure there would not be a reconciliation, God would still want me to stand. I know it seems totally insane to someone who isn't a person of faith, but if we only go along with the world's idea of what's right, we're no different than everyone else, which is pretty meaningless. To me it seems quite clear in scripture that God sees M as being for life, regardless of what any human (including the parties to the M) does to try to negate that, so I think that if you want to follow God's instructions, there's no choice other than to stand, regardless of the outcome. It bites big-time, but still, if you believe God has your back, at least you know you're doing the right thing.

I suspect that one of the big roadblocks to R in my M is me, because I am completely stuck in unforgiveness, and I have no idea what I have to do to be able to forgive. I know it's essential, and I want to be able to let go, but I don't know how. I've tried everything I can think of on my own, but it hasn't really improved for a couple of years.

Anyway, I don't want to hijack. Just wanted to recognize fellow travelers (hi, snow!) along the same narrow road that is so contrary to what everyone tells us we ought to do, because it's really all about our happiness, right? Well, no, it's not. It's about our holiness, and about praying our WAS back to a R with God. And then after that, God may bless us with a restored M, but that's the fruit, not the root.

Peace and blessings
Dawn

[snowmm]

Hi Dawn, Yes I read CC and they do help so much.

It is not my husband's actions that keep me standing but God's promises. I know that it is sometimes hard to hear God's voice or know his instructions but if you were going down the wrong path He would get your attention (and He did when your marriage fell apart). Now you probably are praying for your marriage and husband more than you ever did before. Right?

Are you really stuck in unforgiveness or are you just struggling with it? It is hard to feel like you are letting go when you continually pray for someone every day and through out the day. Forgiveness is not easy. When you are praying for someone you just don't walk away from the situation. Stop trying on your own and ask God to help you. Keep asking God to help you until you know that you have forgiven everyone = including yourself.

MMF - should we go to another thread?

[snowmm]

BTW MMF...I'm counting.

[Grace_O]

(((mmf)))

Good to hear from you. I'm sorry to hear that the kids have had to deal with these difficulties. If they don't already, they will appreciate all that you've done for them.

Take care.

[missmyfriend]

@snowmm, please stay here. No need to go to another thread. This isn't about me. It is about all of us and helping each other through this. It is good to read your posts again. I remember seeing some of your posts when I was more active here.

I'm truly sorry that your husband is still in a fog but it sounds typical of one of the stages of a MLC. And hang on to God's promises. He hates divorce and He didn't cause this to happen but He will make something good come from it.

Snowmm, than you for the encouragement. Even though I should only worry about what God tells me, it is a nice change of pace from many of my friends and family who cannot believe that I am still standing 5 years later.

@Dawn, I don't think you are hijacking at all. I am to the point where I pray that my situation can help others and the more we have working through this together, the better. And there isn't enough discussing God's role in our lives. He has become a bad word to most people. He seems to get credit for all of the bad but none of the good. If bad happens, God must have caused it but if good happens, it is because we personally made it happen. I am not criticizing people who feel that way but God doesn't commit evil. The evil in the world has been caused by ourselves.

Yes, I read Charlyne Cares. I was so sad when her husband passed a couple of months ago. What an awesome couple. And I get a newsletter from someone on their staff, that went through the same thing as us, when his wife left for over 7 years. She came back, they remarried, and she passed away a couple of years later. They have helped me through some very difficult times. I also read a lot of Psalms which has saved my life on many occasions.

Regarding being unable to forgive your husband, I can only recommend that you pray to God on that. Forgiving your husband isn't as much for your husband as much as it is for you. God has really helped me in that area. I find myself having to forgive my wife again for some extremely hurtful things she has done to me recently. I feel very sorry for her since I think she has completely cut God out of her life for now. I pray that God will soften her heart to Him and will allow God to love her.

@Grace, I've missed you a lot! Your posts have helped me immensely in years past. I know you are right about the children; it is hard to deal with the pain while I am living the separation from them and seeing that they are making some bad decisions. How are you doing?

[Dawn of Hope]

MMF, thanks for your kind and thoughtful words. Isn't it a nice change to get some support from fellow long-term standers, instead of the "you've grown a second head!" look you get from people when they hear that you plan to stand for your M as long as you are both breathing? I hope that you are healing and walking closer to God every day. (By the way, I am counting too!)

Yes, it was sad when Bob died, but now he is interceding for all of us face-to-face with Jesus! Like you, I receive the "Standing Firm" newsletter, and I find that it helps a lot too, even though it's directed at male standers (I just mentally flip the gendered terms when necessary). I do sometimes wonder how it could possibly have been worth it to Dennis to stand for eight long years and then have his W die a year and a half after R, but I take his word that it was, indeed, worth it, and I am inspired to keep walking the path of the stander because of that.

MMF and snow, I appreciate your comments about the forgiveness and related things. Yes, snow, you are right; I am much closer to God than I was before the bomb, and I have changed for the better in a lot of related areas (still a long way to go).

I do regularly ask God to help me be able to forgive, but so far I haven't succeeded. Sometimes I feel like there's some process that one is supposed to follow that will result in being able to forgive, and I didn't get the memo on how to do it. I do know that this is for me and not for him, and that it's a divine requirement, but that doesn't give me any insight on how to accomplish it other than to keep praying for help.

I feel guilty every time I say the Lord's Prayer in church, since I know that if God forgave me only to the same degree that I have been able to forgive H, I would be in big trouble. I've never had to forgive anyone for anything half this painful, and although I don't have the white-hot anger about it all that I did in the beginning, it only diminished to a certain point, and I haven't been able to make it go away completely. You probably wouldn't ever know it to hear me talk on a daily basis, as I seem very calm, but I know there's this buried vat of bubbling anger socked away where it's not visible. I still have the occasional Lorena Bobbitt fantasy, much as I hate to admit it. That tells me that I still have a long way to go.

I do know that my forgiveness doesn't get him off scot-free, but just takes him off my hook and puts him on God's hook. And I do trust God to do what needs to be done, considerably better than I would do it. But I secretly think that anyone who has made another person to suffer that much (outside of any arguments about whether it's appropriate to say that one person "made" another feel a certain way), especially someone they had vowed to love and care for for life, deserves to suffer at least as much in compensation, and I'm not sure that's part of God's plan, which doesn't seem entirely fair. Not that I believe it makes one iota of sense to expect life (or even God) to be "fair."

I know that I have reached the limit on how close I can get to forgiveness on my own, so I ask God for help with closing that gap. I have done a lot of reading about forgiveness, and tried all the suggestions that anyone has to offer that make any sense. One book I read said that the best you can really do if the offending party is unable to feel/express remorse is acceptance. By her definition, true forgiveness requires the offender to repent and seek to mend what was broken by their offense(s). I'm not sure that's 100% biblically consistent, but it does have the appeal of assuring one that it's not one's own fault that one can't truly forgive.

I pray for H every day (good things, that is, not "May his favorite body parts become horribly diseased and fall off"!). I even pray for OW when I can stand it, because I know it's the right thing to do, whether I like it or not. I try to avoid thinking or talking about H or the sitch to whatever extent is possible in my regular life, although the talking avoidance goes much better than the thinking avoidance.

I was just notified yesterday that my house is going into foreclosure, although I thought that H (who had agreed to deal with the mortgage payments until we can get the house sold) had made arrangements to avoid this, so I'm feeling a bit beaten up and overwhelmed right now. (You can see my thread for more on that.)

MMF, thanks for your graciousness in allowing space on your thread for these discussions. I hope you still don't feel hijacked after this post!

Peace and blessings,
Dawn

[Starsky309]

I'm going to wrap this up. The only thing I really wanted to share with the other standers out there is that you are not alone and, while it isn't easy, we are doing this not only because we love the people in our lives but if we don't stand for them, no one else will. What is more important than family? Other than God? Nothing.

MMF,

But yet you report that your kids are NOT doing well with the current arrangement, so how is this helping them?

Even those that propose "standing" the longest, always make sure to advocate strong boundaries as part of that strategy. Yet you report that "there are no boundaries anymore," and I see your kids -- at VERY formative years in their lives as it pertains to how they'll relate to the opposite sex moving forward -- not getting a good example from either one of you.

I too am a Christian, but I know there comes a time when God Himself has tried to get my attention to stand up and protect my kids.

Am I missing something? If there are no visible signs that your situation with your wife is changing, and your kids are not doing well with the setup, how can this be "God's will" for your life? Aren't we supposed to judge ourselves and others by the fruit that we bear?

Starsky

[missmyfriend]

@Dawn, first please do not apologize for speaking about yourself and your situation. I care more than you realize about all of the people that have been "left behind" either physically, emotionally or both by their spouse.

Regarding forgiving your husband, don't be so hard on yourself. The forgiveness is required by God according to many pieces of scripture where the person has asked us to forgive them. But what about the situations where people have not only not asked for forgiveness but continue to hurt us? Even if we forgive that person, the debt is still owed to God until they ask Him for forgiveness(according to scripture). Forgiving others who don't seek forgiveness doesn't necessarily make one a doormat. I don't agree with taking the martyr route. I cannot find anything in scripture that supports intentionally subjecting oneself to undeserved punishment. Now there are cases where God has instructed those to go into a situation where the outcome will not be good but the situation was to accomplish in God's will.

Dawn, you are dealing with so much that no one else can tell you how you should handle your situations or that you have to forgive him or the OW until you feel, in your heart, that God is encouraging that action. Believe me, I have to start all over again, frequently, for issues that have happened to me.

The one thing that I realize is when I have been able to sincerely forgive my wife for something that she did or said, I feel much better as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I notice that I treat others much kinder.