It really opened my eyes about what I've been doing. I thought I was detaching, but it was only a half-hearted attempt. I will keep referring back to this page and the others on this site, as they do a great job of identifying where I've been falling down on the DB job.
JustBombed, I'm catching up with your sitch. Yes, your H is behaving like a typical WAS - he's up, he's down, he's your good friend, he's the devil himself...the only thing consistent about them is their complete inconsistency. My W (who is still in the home w/ me) acts exactly the same way. She is more discreet about her EA, but she still texts and calls him often. She, too, was hell-bent on moving out right after the bomb, but has done nothing to proceed in that direction.
IMHO: I'd set some ground rules about your H texting the OW's in front of you. That is, to me, nothing but cruel disrespect, and you do not deserve to be subject to that. If he is not going to stop the texting, at least tell him to take it outside of the home.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Last night he hit a new low. Not only was he texting in front of me, but he then ran out of the house at 8:30 to "go to the shopping center" because he didn't want to do it in the morning. (He never ever leaves the house once he's home from work). He was gone for an hour, and when he came back, made a lame comment "that took longer than I expected". I was so angry. I didn't really let on, but I went to bed without telling him good night, which is the first time in our entire lives I've ever done that. I know he has MLC and that this is what is to be expected, but honestly, what an a$$.
On the bright side, detaching seems to be taking hold in me now.
I found out H has been visiting prostitutes. A lot of them. I am not sure if he actually slept with the original OW's, although he absolutely does still talk to them. On my last post, I said he left the house, well according to the cell bill, he was texting the whole time he was gone, so maybe he actually was trying to be respectful of me or he was sexting and wanted privacy. Whatever. He also spent about 4 hours at work on Saturday, and I doubt it was all work, but again, no proof of anything, other than he was texting his favorite OW during most of the time he was gone. I have no idea if she's holding out on him or what.
The interesting thing about all of this is that absolutely NONE of the women is anything like me or any other woman he's dated before. I am white, and the initial OW's are hispanic and italian, and the prostitues are usually mixed race black, asian, hispanic. I also found out that the night I was gone to a party with my kids and he was alone in the house, he did not call or text anyone. But when he's at work or with me, he's Mr Texty. I guess he's so messed up by his stress, he uses the OW's to control his emotion. Everything about his other pursuits screams control freak. He is controlling each of these women, controlling his contact with them and theirs with him, and it is only superficial or about sex. I actually feel sorry for H. He's one messed up man.
I have given him a new nickname. New Coke. He kind of resembles the old him, but not really, and I don't like him. No one likes New Coke. I really hope he brings Classic Husband back, because I love that guy to pieces.
Detachment for me is no longer an issue. I have released H to do whatever he must, and hopefully I will get a job soon so he can move out of our house and begin to heal or change or whatever. Clearly, I am holding him back. I'm not sad or angry anymore, I just accept that this is not about me or our marriage or our family. He's just nuts.
Okay, so nothing is posting, I'm feeling a bit left behind, but here goes another journal entry.
So we spent the weekend together as a family. I went pretty dark - spent a lot of time alone and busy, when we weren't in family mode. He felt it. But it made no difference. I think it only threw him into the OW's arms harder and faster. I saw some of their texts today. They talk about being friends, like "I'm so glad I have a hot smart funny friend like you". Ugh. It's so disgusting. I was really angry after I saw them, and punched the crap out of his pillows for about 5 minutes. That worked all the rage out in me. But I'm still bitter.
I'm still quite new myself and don't have any wise advice like some of the others just yet. I just wanted to say that I am sorry to meet you under these circumstances but glad you are here. It will only help us as we are dealing with out H's and sitch's.
Just Bombed, this is of course only my opinion, but if your H is fooling around with hookers, I think it's time to show him the door.
To preserve your own sanity, though, you should stop snooping, reading texts, etc. Take it from me (and anyone else who is here) - snooping only leads to more pain for you. You already know the extent of his activities. Reading more evidence (unless you are preparing legal action against him) will do nothing to help your situation.
My heart goes out to you.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Thanks you guys. I actually know not to snoop, but then I get false hope, then he does something out of whack, then I get upset. He can't leave until I get a job, which, believe me, I am working on. I also have contacted an attorney, so he can't mess with us financially. I worry that in his current state, he will justify not giving me the money for the house we already agreed to and will spend it on traveling with his new lady love. So I am taking necessary steps to live our lives apart.
You know, I see a lot of posts in these threads about people talking to their spouses about the R, not sure how that is coming up, because he and I do not talk about our R at all. Nada. I know the advice is not to bring it up, so I do not, and on the Hero's Spouse website, it is actually helpful in getting my head around it all, but even in that community, people seem to still have more couple talk then we do. Am I doing something wrong? I know he's going to leave, but it's like we just stopped on May 15 (BD) and started to live separate lives. I just do not get it.
BTW, I would still forgive him, should he ever make it out of the tunnel, but I feel like he's moved on and there is no hope even in a couple of years. Has anyone else ever had that happen? Did it work out?
