Hi. I am new to this forum. My husband of almost 20 years dropped the bomb on me on May 15, 2011. I had found a picture of a girl on his cell phone and confronted him. He said he hadn't been unfaithful, but that he was seriously thinking about it, and then the ILYBINILWY came out. I was in shock. I didn't yell or cry. I hyperventilated a bit, but not much else in the way of emotion came out. He cried. He said he hasn't been happy with himself or us in a while and needed space. He said he wanted to move out but I reminded him we couldn't afford that. He's in the guest room now. I forgave him. I told him he was still my best friend. He said I'm still his best friend, and that he still thinks I'm wonderful, a great mom, yada yada yada.
We talked again a week later after he had been out "with friends" that previously never existed in his life. He reiterated how unhappy he was ( I was a bit more emotional in this discussion) and that he had tried to talk to me over the years but I was difficult to talk to. He also said he wanted me to initiate sex more than I did. I asked him when I could have done that since he was always either busy with work or tired from work. No answer. He said things had happened to him in his life that he had to deal with alone. He cried about not being nicer to his grandmother (who died almost 20 years ago). It was weird.
We had a rough couple of weeks since then. No real R talks (I began reading on MLC almost immediately after this all came out). I've tried to keep my emotions to myself (not easy) and am seeing a counselor. The C thinks I had PTSD (from 9/11) and that I got "lost" in my marriage. I am working on my issues. In the last week, things with H are oddly better, but he is still distant and occasionally talks about leaving. I am so confused by all of this, and hope and despair play tug of war with me.
We have been married 20 years, 3 kids S14, D11, S8.
Hello and sorry to meet under these circumstances. There is a lot of support and information on these boards. Have you been reading The Divorce Remedy? It does cover some of the situations you are talking about. If you haven't got it I would make it your priority to get the book.
I'm not nearly as seasoned as others on the board but I'm sure someone will come along who can point you in the right direction much easier than I can. I'm still learning how to Divorce Bust as well.
I haven't begged or pleaded with him. In fact, I've been pretty much the same as before, not that that's doing me any favors. I get angry, sad, jealous, but luckily have been able to keep them from him while he's at work. He's still in the house, agreed not to leave until I get a job where I can afford to take care of me and the kids (he will of course help). He said he wanted "space" so I have given him that. I know he wasn't happy. I've felt it and his wandering eye for some time, but wouldn't admit it to myself. I think he has been in REPLAY for some time (bought a super expensive watch in 09, reconnected via email with an old girlfriend in '10). I feel like he's close to the end of REPLAY, as I sense a great deal of depression and withdrawal in him, but he is definitely still in REPLAY for now. The bomb wasn't dropped until I found a picture of a girl on his cell phone. I know for a fact he hadn't been texting her before March of 11, so this is a relatively new development, although, as I said, not a total surprise, either.
So he drops the bomb, then says he wants to move out, as if he felt forced into it. Was all gung ho to find a new place at first, but hasn't really said or done much about it since. I asked him to help me update my resume, which he hasn't done. Was shocked when I told him I had applied for a few jobs.
He's been texting his new girlfriends, not sure if a PA has occurred, but there are at least 2 girls, both in their 20's (Yuck!). Actually spent one evening in full giddy text mode, to which I said to stop. He said they were just friends and it's something he's doing now, so I should get over it, but I told him his behavior implied it was more than just friends and it hurt me. Even though he didn't agree to hold back on the texting to these girls, he actually has. In fact, this weekend he actually even left his phone alone for several different times (I never snooped - learned my lesson on that front already)so I don't know if the GF's weren't available or if that is dying down. He really doesn't like young girls when he's in his right mind - they annoy him. He also exchanged a long look with me this morning before he went to work, and brushed my arm lightly but deliberately before he went to bed last night. But otherwise, he's pretty uncommunicative. So I am trying to just make me happy and my kids happy, and if he wants to come along for the ride, so be it. If not, so be it.
I'm living a similar situation to yours, although my wife and I are currently separated. Give him space and time. From what I understood about my wife, she accumulated feelings to such a point that when she told me those words I was probably the last person in the world that she wanted next to her... And probably still am.
Every contact with you, every connection, every time he hears your name, he'll be reminded how he feels about you. There might be guilt, he might feel sorrow, but the feeling that's driving him right now is the lack of being IN love, that emptiness they feel in their hearts. Something that we don't understand but that it's so strong that makes your life partner say those words and act that way.
I my case, my wife told me those words 2 weeks after my mum (the only close family I have) was diagnosed with an advanced cancer. That contributed even more for my shock, as I was already in a very debilitated position. But it also contributed for the first glimpse I had of what was behind my wife's actions: "My wife is a decent person: if she took those actions in a time like this, it's because she has very strong, huge, reasons."
From that point on I started seeing our marriage from two perspectives. It opened my eyes and also gave me a totally different approach to restore my wife's love and save our marriage.
Hope this helps, be strong.
Me: 36 Wife: 33 Together: 09/2007 Married: 03/2010 I love you but...: 06/2011 Separated: 06/2011 Rebuilding: 11/2011
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I lost my mom 3 years ago to lung cancer, and it [censored]. But if there is any silver lining in this, you actually have a great excuse not to concentrate on your wife and marriage, as your mom needs you now more than ever. Take this opportunity to help her and it will help you as well. I believe God gives us all these tests as opportunities as well. I think in my situation, I needed to GAL, as well as teach my children the true meaning and power of love and understanding. There is no doubt this time will be brutally difficult for you, but trust that the time you get with your mom is a gift, albeit wrapped in crappy paper.
H has been rather weird for the last week. He's been deliberately holding eye contact, and lingering around before he goes off to bed (in the Guest Room). Not sure what is up, but I'm not biting. My C says he's trying to goad me into doing something, like coming on to him or starting a R talk. I have no intention of starting that. He has to want to talk, which means he has to use his words and initiate. Otherwise, it seems he is just trying to get me to justify his decision (by starting a fight or applying R pressure) and I'm just not into that. The other night, he actually left his bedroom door open when he knew I'd be walking by with the dogs (to let them out before bed). In 20 years of marriage, he has NEVER left the bedroom door open when he goes to bed. Meanwhile, he's actively looking at places to move out to once I get a job. Dude is seriously confused. I actually feel bad for him. But I'm GAL, and am having a good time.
Okay, so this weekend was actually pretty good up until last evening. He was pretty nice to all of us, didn't go out much, and interacted like a regular husband/father. Friday night, I went out with the kids to a friend's house. When I got home and headed off to bed, I actually got the weird (and very strong)impression he was thinking of coming back to sleep in our bedroom. He didn't. But the feeling was as strong as when I felt he was having an affair right before it actually happened.
Yesterday morning, he actually was playful, pushing my chair around when I was in the office and laughing and joking with me. His back hurt so I gave him a short back rub. He was normal for the rest of the day, until later afternoon, when he went out without saying where for an hour. No clue where he went off to. Then the mood just changed to a rather negative one. No one thing stuck out as bad, it was just as if we all started to feel bad at once. Could have been me (obviously my brain started in on the negative thoughts even though I tried to shoo them away.) I went to bed feeling as if we were all back where we started. Ugh!
Well, what goes up must come down. He had a rough ride home yesterday, probably reinforcing his decision to leave and move closer to his job. Today, he's back texting OW's in front of me. For the last two weeks he's left his personal cell around, not checking it, and this afternoon, he's back to his old games. Ugh!
