Made mistake today, somehow we got talking about our R and I pressed her on why she felt the need to hide your cell phone, she denied it of course, so now she is aware of my awareness to it.
W also said that she was not feeling as cherished in the last few weeks and that I had pulled away from her, which was part of the 180 I was trying out, can they react like this if they are really suffering MLC? Maybe I have misunderstood the signs, the emails to/from other men, the evasiveness, lies, hiding cell phone, but then no list of my failings, not verbally hurtful to me or a desire to get out more with others ….
Anyway, right or wrong I asked whether anything had happened in her childhood that should not have happened and that she had not told me. I was staggered to hear her reply of yes, and she said a family friend ( male) had done something, she was not specific and I was too shocked to ask (glad I didn’t, didnt want to add to her probs) , but she lead me to believe it was not good and that it was more than once. She referred to her issues of the ‘dark’, she was very distressed at this stage, as anyone can imagine. I have been as supportive as I can at this early stage, after the shock and, not asking any questions etc. She has needed lots of hugs ! Said I had opened a can of worms now, which of course I had, unknowingly.
Now I feel guilty about thinking this, but in the light of me having been pressing her about the cell phone, placing her in a’corner ‘ so to speak, plus the view of believing nothing of what MLC’rs say ( get them out of a corner), from past experiences had anyone else experienced any thing similar. Or is it, as has been written about, that MLC is related to unresolved past (childhood) issues? and this might be hers.
The male involved died 19 years ago and she said she has never told anyone, I feel desperately for her, but cannot help but be a little nervous about this, bearing in mind the lies that she has told since this all began.
There are, it was a long weekend in both Canada and the US, and I hoping the lack of response was from people busy with a GAL type weekend.
I myself was gone from the 1st until today.
MLC almost always (I shy away from always and never, great words that set you up to eat your foot) tend to have roots in te childhood, some sort of trauma the MLC couldn't nor should be able to deal with as a child, that resurfaces years later when a trigger is hit.
Pressing issues with a WAS or a MLC WAS is seldom a good idea. It hits 'flight or flight' Neither reaction is generally what the LBS wants.
We (LBS) also have this fantasy idea that somewhere if we keep digging enough the 'truth' will come out and that 'truth' is they really really really want to be with us.
When the real 'truth' is, they don't know.
MLC = confusion, and believe it or not, confusion is your ally. It beats the WAS or MLC KNOWING 1005 they do not want you in their life.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Everyone does so learn from it and DO NOT do it again.
Originally Posted By: Light
somehow we got talking about our R and I pressed her on why she felt the need to hide your cell phone, she denied it of course, so now she is aware of my awareness to it.
Originally Posted By: Light
W also said that she was not feeling as cherished in the last few weeks and that I had pulled away from her, which was part of the 180 I was trying out, can they react like this if they are really suffering MLC?
What you may see in the resources provided by Cadet is that they tend to want you “close”. I noticed that you have a teenager. Think about what and how a teenager acts…They want you but do not want you. MLC in my experience is the same. That said, the hardest thing to do at least initially is to detach and not take a lot of this personal.
Originally Posted By: Light
Maybe I have misunderstood the signs, the emails to/from other men, the evasiveness, lies, hiding cell phone, but then no list of my failings, not verbally hurtful to me or a desire to get out more with others ….
1) Stop looking at her and start looking at YOU 2) stop looking at her and start living for YOU 3) Stop looking at her. Oh…btw, did I mention stop looking at her? Light….keep reading the divorce remedy/divorce busting books as well as the resources. Read them a few time over. God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Just realised the typo. on my first post, we’re both 47 and not 37, just in case anyone thought it all sounded a little odd!
Been reading the material listed by Cadet, and very helpful this has been.
On a slightly different matter and not sure if anyone can help, but with w’s latest claim to being abused at 14 (w not been specific, understandable though ), could someone throw any light on the following.
W claims she was abused by a family friend whilst all away on holiday, but would a victim of abuse like this agree some 3 years latter to have some driving lessons with the abuser and, latter on use abusers car ( ask or being offered it for use, not sure). I cannot help but think the abused would avoid contact, but then battered wives return all too often.
Any insight would be appreciated.
Anyway I am working on me and trying not to look at her.
On a slightly different matter and not sure if anyone can help, but with w’s latest claim to being abused at 14 (w not been specific, understandable though ), could someone throw any light on the following.
W claims she was abused by a family friend whilst all away on holiday, but would a victim of abuse like this agree some 3 years latter to have some driving lessons with the abuser and, latter on use abusers car ( ask or being offered it for use, not sure). I cannot help but think the abused would avoid contact, but then battered wives return all too often.
Well maybe this is part of her MLC.
Childhood issues normally are one ingredient for this crisis.
So maybe (and I am mind reading) that she has not forgiven herself yet from what happened. She may need to go back to that period of time and finish growing up. That is somewhat of a definition of MLC.
Glad the links are helping you out, keep reading and ask questions.
Not really sure I have any thing to say, just needed to put something down at the moment. Things do not seem too bad, some days better than others, as I said before she has not been directly unpleasant toward me about my failings etc., but as I‘ve read all MLC’s vary.
With w’s latest bomb in relation to being abused as a child (14 yrs) which I have been somewhat sceptical about(not to w), due to the notion of ‘believing nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do’, but over the weekend and out of the blue w said that she is going to see a Therapist to help deal with these issues. I was pleased to hear this, for 2 reasons, firstly her claim appears to be true (if she goes) and, secondly it should help her heal.
Now my question is with the relation of MLC to unresolved childhood/past issues does anyone have any direct experience of dealing with both related issues, if the abuse issue is addressed as best it can be, will that help the MLC. I know that the MLC’er needs to go on the journey to resolve issues and that the LBS cannot speed up the process, but would the above help ?
Maybe I am ‘grasping at straws’ but word from the wise would be most helpful.
Now my question is with the relation of MLC to unresolved childhood/past issues does anyone have any direct experience of dealing with both related issues, if the abuse issue is addressed as best it can be, will that help the MLC. I know that the MLC’er needs to go on the journey to resolve issues and that the LBS cannot speed up the process, but would the above help ?
Maybe I am ‘grasping at straws’ but word from the wise would be most helpful.
Think of it more this way if she experienced a childhood issue at age 14, she may need to go back to that time to finish growing up from age 14, so maybe by the time she is 18 or 21 she will be an adult. So you might have to wait 4-7 years.
Sorry but their are no quick solutions here or magic buttons to press. A therapist may help her or may make it worse. See if she sticks with it. Most don't.
I don’t think she is full blown MLC if that is possible. We decided that we should have a trial separation some 5 weeks ago. She had offered to be the one to move out, then tried to get me to go, feeling that I had done nothing wrong so why should I go, plus if she was out of the home environment it may benefit her more, she is after all the one with the issues! She left.
I was somewhat nervous about what she may get up to, but staying with her aunt she appears to have stayed in, so no partying etc.
I went to Dr with list of what I felt were her symptoms, he felt that subject to seeing her and discounting anything physically wrong that she was depressed. Strangely this gave me some hope but I had always felt depression was in there somewhere, but with what else !! She has only just agreed to get help, but not sure if she will go when the day arrives.
Anyway, yesterday she said at the moment there is no marriage and that she does not love me, but could feel different next week/month, much as she said nearly 6 months ago, so a lot of pain and little or no progress.
She felt that the last 5 weeks had shown her that she can deal with the childhood abuse issues, just another complication! When you write it down it makes you think ‘what the ----‘, and why not walkaway. D19 home from Uni. said that she has had enough of her mother and that it was because of her she was so keen to go to Uni. Claimed not to have felt relaxed in her own home.
Not sure what to do now, I still love her but even if she came home tomorrow I cannot accept her at all costs as it were. I want to shout and rant and rave at her, but afraid it might finally kill everything off, if it isn’t already.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
