H's Sudden Awakening-???

[Tipper]

Camping in the adirondacks was awesome. Us girls got every thing accomplished that our spouses were so sure we could not do on our own. Very empowering and exciting and fun. No bears this year - phew!!!

While I was away, I had my H watch over my pets(2cats, a dog, and a goldfish). So I knew he would be stopping by my House regularly all weekend. He very nicely fixed my door handle that was loose and replaced it. He mowed my lawn and weedwacked for me. He replaced an old leaky outdoor hose knob/pipe. And he patched with mudd a hole in my bedroom ceiling. He did more this weekend then in a long time around the place we used to call home together. It was a nice surprise.

He was at my place when I returned and ordered us pizza and salads for dinner and we spent the evening together with out him drinking. He also didnt drink the night before I left and he offered me a ride to and from my trivia night with the gang. I feel like he actually missed me and was worried about me while I was gone.

Things have been pleasent with our peicing, I can see the wheels in his head spinning a lot. He seems to be slowing down his drinking behaviors lately, but not completely stopping. I think our conversation a few weeks back has got him thinking more and more about sobriety. I am not pushing it, but he is doing much better controlling it for now. I also feel like he is feeling guilty and down and out - kind of depressed and distant. But for now I am keeping my silence and patience and staying positive and peppy, as I have read many times suggested.
TIPPER
P.S. I have given up on that MC for now. She missed our 1st appointment and has not returned any of our calls. Wierd!!! But, if we can find a different good MC I am still open to the idea. I just dont want to push if for now - I feel things do happen for a reason.

[25yearsmlc]

Tipper

it's weird how you twist my words

I never said to give him the boot.

I thought I said to enforce YOUR OWN STATED boundaries

and stop rationalizing it when you don't.

Oh, and yes I'm very familiar with 12 steps b/c I went through them myself for my own addiction & depression in 1996. (One relapse early in the first year). None since.

I sponsor 2 others now.

I'm a HUGE BELIEVER IN THE PROGRAM--

so that's why I call you on what I see as You being an enabler.

But I wish you and your h success.

I really do.

[Tipper]

Thanks 25:

I guess I was just getting that vibe from you; to not get back together with my H.

I have learned about enabling behaviors, like rescueing and bailing them out when they need help, picking them up from DWI's, loaning money, etc....I used to do these things... But now I know I cant and wont in order to let him hit a bottom and face his own concequenses for his choices.

However, so far - I have not had to make these choices this time that he has returned. He has been walking to the bars now when he goes in order to avoid that exact result.

So help me understand what it is I am doing to enable his drinking. We still live apart and I still go to alanon meetings when he is at the bar during the week. I dont see how I am enabling him to drink. Please point out what I can do to not enable because I am confused. He has his own choices to make and so do I.

Now another thing that has become clear to me is that at the beginning of the program I was learning the ropes. And when I heard about setting boundaries - I thought that they were rules for him to have to live by or I would not talk to him or see him, etc.... Now I have been talking to a wonderful lady at alanon who has helped me to discover that Boundaries are for me and not rules for my H. They are what I can live with and what I cant. I was wishy washy about all this at first and I may have stated some boundaries that were coming from my pain and not from my heart and mind so much.

Now that I have had time to work my program (especially getting started on step one -I am powerless over another persons alcoholism) its cleared up some of my confusion, I have realized that I can live with my H going to the bars -even though I may not like it - its his life. I live mine to the fullest now when he is out and about drinking and it no longer seems to bother me quite as much now that I have a program to follow. My current boundaries I can state are that If he ever cheated on me -I think I would have to leave our M. If he gets pulled over for DUI/DWI - I would not pick him up and rescue him. And that, for today - I am still standing and working on this M becuase it is important to me and we are both happy being together.

My boundaries now are different than when he first left, as they are different than four years ago - when this mess all started, and they will continue to grow and change along with me as needed.

I cannot fix, change, cure, or control my alcoholic H, However I do have the power to heal and change my life to make it every thing I want it to be - which currently despite many crises and financial problems, and relationship problems I have had to face - I am pretty dang happy and feeling better than I have in a long time. I am growing and changing for the better and it makes me confident that I am making good choices FOR ME!!!!

I am anxious to here your suggestions as I have appreciated your help very much in the past, I am glad you havent given up posting to me. I hope to not sound stuburn or harsh in my words -as I truely am looking to clarify what you mean by enabling and me needing to set boundaries or stick to my boundaries.
Thanks
TIPPER

[Tipper]

11 years ago today was when my H and I got Married. It was a wonderful day and I am so happy to be able to celebrate our 11 year anniversary together. Many times now, I have been scared that I would not be with my H to celebrate it together, or even worse -fear we would be divorced. 4 years since his mlc hit and his drinking got heavy - but somehow we have managed to celebrate all 4 of those anniversary's happy together. My H and I may have struggled a lot these past 4 years and continue to struggle with some things, but I feel the hard work is well worth it. I am glad I have stood for my M in the long run, no matter the turn out. Today will be great!!!
TIPPER

[25yearsmlc]

Happy 11th Tipper.

I will respond to your earlier above post, when I have more time but I hope you have a good

preferably sober day so you both can remember it. IF not, okay

You have said you CAN live with his going to bars and still drinking. While I don't abide by that for ME

and what I saw in my life growing up with an alcoholic dad as well, if you can,

then YOU will have to live with those consequences. But yes, the boundaries you set are for what you will tolerate and not rules for him

although they can overlap. IOW, if you know you cannot tolerate being around him drunk

then he can't be drunk around you....make sense?

So, are you getting clearer with that? And what is it that you cannot tolerate? What will you actually DO if that boundary is broken?

IOW, what are some of those boundaries you speak of?

So far, I am only hearing what you WILL live with, that you previously said you would not.

That doesn't sound so much like boundaries as it does caving in. BUT BUT BUT

maybe that's not true. You have to dig deep to figure out which is which.

We all do. I have put up with a 2 year MLC and would not have thought I could or would do so if you had asked me 10 years ago.


I'm glad I changed my boundary but there's always a tension or fine line between caving in and surrendering ourselves too much

and simply revising our stand on something and putting our pride aside in a good way.

The key is knowing when we are doing which....and facing the truth about those choices.

If we are not making healthy choices, we have to own that and change it. Clarity and courage are really important. (Hence the Serenity Prayer's wording).

Make sense?

[Tipper]

Thanks again 25:

I do see the point your making about caving in to my own previously stated boundaries. However, since that time - I am more assured that my tolerence for his drinking has changed. He has slowed down a lot on that matter also. He was going out every single night for long hours to local bars. Now he recently has toned that down to just 2-3 nights out of the week while I am at my meetings. Its something I can live with for now. He also knows that if it goes back to everynight again, that we will not be working together as a couple anymore. Time will tell.

We had a great anniversary. Very simple due to working that day and having a wedding to attend on the following day. So we just went out to dinner together and tried a new restaurant we were interested in. Yes, we were sober. We came home afterwards and just chilled on the couch watching the tube. It was nothing significant, but I was so happy to celebrate it together with him. We have taken a few trips for previous anniversaries, but currently we are both stapped for cash and time. So it was a nice way to spend the day simplified.

I realize I need to work more on my boundaries. I dont want to appear as though I am caving in. I am in a state of pure patience currently until something happens for better or for worse. I keep so busy and occupied with my life, I have not been bothered by his barnights lately. I can deal with it for now, but if it were to get worse again like it was this past spring, I know I would have to end up putting my foot down on our Reconciliation. I guess thats where I am at for now.

I notice when he does go out drinking, he starts saying things like "I am such a loser"... "your perfect and I dont deserve you"..."I wish I had what it takes to try out a meeting - but I just dont"...etc... So I sit quietly and listen for the most part. However, I feel that God is working in his life slowly towards breaking his denial that he sort of needs to get help. I tell him I love him and no one is perfect and we all need to look with in to find our own happiness. He is always very thankful of my understanding. I do pray though that he will find his way to sobriety sooner than later. He has to want it and currently still does not. We are not making any moves to live with each other again anytime soon. Just hanging out and spending a few nights a week with each other until we are both more ready.
TIPPER

[sgctxok]

Hi Tipper-

I would love it if you would join us with the KLA group. I have so much respect for you, and I think you have so much to offer as well as me/us offering support for you. Even if you don't have the materials, you can join in the discussions.

sg